Mostly estranged daughter for past 40-50 years offering to take mom and dad into her home 100+ miles away from other sibs who have all been active participants in their lives. Both parents have repeatedly stated for years they can’t stand daughter’s spouse whom has a not so nice nickname, though daughter has no clue about this dislike. 2 of 4 sibs totally agree with doctor to have dad/mom live at beautiful local assisted living/memory care facility for medical and socialization reasons, but other two sibs are in denial of situation, possibly feel obligated/guilty and/or seeing their inheritance dwindling. Mom has advanced dementia (incl severe sundowning, numerous falls incl breaking hip twice in 1 month) and while dr didn’t say she had 6 mos to live, he gave a pretty clear similar example she did.
Dad with mid stage dementia taken on a tour of assisted living facility then estranged daughter says he can live there, or she can take both of them into her home, giving him one week to decide. Dad is extremely confused in what to do, and feels he needs to discuss matters with wife with dementia who will not understand, get angry, etc. She is currently living in a nursing facility for past 3-4 month’s healing from 2 fractured hip surgeries.
Parents are in a financial situation where house needs to be sold, but both could live out the remainder of their lives in assisted living/memory care and be fine financially for rest of lives. Dad now tasked with making a decision some of sibs don’t believe he is capable of making (and shouldn’t be asked). Says he guesses he will have to learn to tolerate son in law in order to make living at daughters home work. Son in laws own mother recently sick/died, but he did nothing to help during her illness, it was all on the daughter.
A lot of dynamics going on, but want best care for both parents, including socialization opportunities they would likely have at assisted living facility. Mom is great lady, but is both a physical and emotional drain on current 24/7 caregiver she has with her in nursing facility to ensure she does not get out of bed and injure herself. Dad is jovial and easy to get along with but presents with neuropathy, frequent falls, and mid level dementia. Love them both to pieces. Only want to move them once, getting best care. The only plus dad says about living with daughter is good cooking, which he would also get at A/L. Any thoughts/suggestions would be helpful. Thanks for listening.
That ploy to demand a mentally compromised man to make up his mind in one week?
This entire situation is ridiculous. Just set your parents up in the nice AL and ignore sister Florence Nightingale!!
About six years ago the twisted sisters denial led them to place a deposit on a tiny one bedroom unit with the intent for mom with Alzheimer's and stepdad with mobility issues, pretty frail. He was competent but twisteds did not even consult with him about moving to a facility. He was flabbergasted when he found out. Care Manager for mom had to tell twisteds that sharing was not an option, mom's needs were quite extensive and he would not be able to help mom 24/7.
Eventually they moved to the same facility, mom in memory care, he in AL. He was able to see her daily and for awhile took her to lunch in the main dining room. That didn't last long as mom had severe agitation with her sundowning. In the main dining room occasionally caused quite the disturbance when she thought a couple they would eat with were looking for mom and hubby to buy their meals. Even went so far as to enter the kitchen and started screaming at the chef to get the other people kicked out.
Mom did much better when she and hubby started to stay in the MC area for their meals. Staff would have to distract her when hubby was ready to leave. They had a good couple of years at this facility. He passed first. Soon after mom had to be moved to a smaller care home where all residents had been kicked out of previous facilities.
If dad likes this place, move him there, he will be close to his wife and he will feel like he is contributing something to her care. Stepdad did. It was the best way to try to meet both their needs.
One thing that should be checked into is if this facility will accept Medicaid after 2 years of self pay. The assets will not last forever. Separate rooms for them sounds most appropriate, mom and her hubby combined cost in the area of 12K a month.
DO NOT MOVE THEM TO ESTRANGED DAUGHTER'S.
That really helped me.
Mom does not sound as though she is a candidate for AL more likely N/H or memory care.
Clearly she needs 24 hour care and estranged daughter must now what that entailed havjng cared for an inlaw.
As I often say follow the money.
OP is no longer a family member so has only an interest in the wellfare of this couple.
The parents have the money for a care facility. perhaps find a memory care that has AL near or attached. i would not recommend moving them in anywhere together.
Is Dad able to pretty comp;eatery care for himself and provide some care for his wife?
if the daughter is estranged it would seem ill advised to move them in with her and the son in law they dislike. He hasn't changed.
Is est. daughter hoping to take over complete charge and manage money etc or are other sibs holding POA.
Choose a nice facility close to the four sibs and they will be much happier there.
My best advice to you is that legally those who have medical or financial power of attorney are always to remember the money belongs to Mom and Dad and is there for their care—not for everyone's future inheritance.
As a daughter caring for my parents, I always had to look at their needs first. I did not spend their money foolishly, but I had to learn to listen to medical doctors, to my own parents, and to the options available for them at that time.
As a sibling, I had to sometimes tune out my brothers and sisters comments that weren't in the best interest of Mom or Dad. It wasn't easy, but my parents entrusted their care with me and I did my utmost to make sure their needs were met in the best possible way.
Decisions are not easy to make. Get good advice. Listen to what your parents have said regarding the brother-in-law and sister. Your parents will never feel comfortable in a place where they haven't been very welcomed in the past. An estranged child hasn't suddenly changed into a loving, compassionate, caring person overnight. Listen to Dad's feelings. He should not have to change in order to be accommodated!
I pray that God will grant you the wisdom and voice you need to speak up and do what's best for your parents, and ultimately for everyone.
I plan to help see them both through the end of their lives with love, grace and dignity, nothing short of what they have shown to me in my life.
Siblings can drop over for a visit - ( if the brother in law ) does not make astink about dropping over?? There will your answer!!
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