My 57 year old sister was a caregiver to our mother until her death. The last 5 years of caregiving were tough for her as my mother needed assistance to get on a pot to use the bathroom, with bathing, etc. She did this task on her own (with limited help from my dad) as she divorced and moved back in with our parents at age 22. I married and moved 900 miles away with my husband due to Hurricane devastation in my hometown. I appreciate her care of my mother so much and regularly express it.
My parents’ paid for home is worth $200,000 and I have never felt that I should have any portion of it. She deserves to keep the house. I have my own home and a working husband. I also feel she deserves a larger portion than me of the $600,000 cash portion of the estate.
My father is now 80 and so far in good health. I have suggested that she sell their home (with her keeping the proceeds) and they move in with me (previously my mother could not be moved as she did not want to reestablish doctors). Then, I could assist with my father’s care when it becomes necessary. I truly want to do my share.
Having the upkeep and bills related to one home rather than 2 would enable my father’s 600k to go further in caring for him. Upon his death, I believe it is fair that she receive a larger portion of the remaining funds for her care of my mother.
My sister does not see it this way. She is willing to move in with me and accept my help (albeit my father is not on board yet because of it being so far away for his hometown), but she believes she is entitled to the entire estate and any decisions with respect to it. Whilst I receive nothing and no decision making ability.
Of course, everyone desires to receive money, but I truly feel unloved by her and, more damagingly to my emotions, by my parents, more than I care about the money. My husband manages a hospital...I am not exactly in need of anything. But, the fact that I have been disinherited by both my parents (with whom I have never had a problem with) makes me feel invisible...I was not given so much as a lamp personally by them in their wills. The entire estate is left to my sister and she gets to decide whether or not I get anything even down to a lamp. While I do believe she would give me a lamp, as my parents’ child this is hurtful beyond words.
When I asked my dad about it he says that was to make sure my sister gets it and not my husband if I die. However, my husband is not that type of man. Even if my husband was a greedy individual, both states (my sister’s and mine) view an inheritance as separate not community property. The will also could have been worded that I receive some smaller portion, but in the event I predeceased my parents my portion would go to my sister.
As I mentioned my mother recently died. My sister gave me one of her rings. Before I could even place it on my hand she felt the need to tell me that momma asked her if she wanted it, but she decided I could have it. I could not help but feel sad. I asked my sister if she thought telling me that made me feel good. She said well how could momma give you anything without asking me since I am the caregiver. Really? The woman gave birth to me and I am a decent human being. I am disinherited from everything and I cannot feel good about a ring. I could not be left to believe on some level my mother truly wanted me to have it?
We then went thru some personal effects like clothing and costume jewelry. I took about three dress, a few shoes and a few pairs of earrings. With each item I asked if she wanted it as told her I did not feel entitled to anything she wanted out of respect for her care. I did feel, however, that if she did not want something I should be given first choice of my mother’s things over my sister’s friend. She gave a broach to her friend without so much as showing it to me,
Am I wrong to feel pained in this way? I would love to hear from caregivers.
If you want to help with your dad, offer to come stay a week or so a few times a year to give your sister a break.
Rest assured mom will always be with you.. and stuff is just stuff. Not worth losing your sense of peace over.
best wishes
I have had two separate experiences of whether to keep a relationship. I am ‘in recovery’ from a recent very bad falling out with a sister, and also have one very difficult daughter where recovery seems unlikely. Sister phoned two days ago, very pleasant and no reference to the assault, the nasty letter etc. I was glad that sister was going to resume the previous pleasant telephone relationship, but swallowing anger that she could just ignore her own behaviour and expect me to do the same. Daughter is a lost cause at present, though I have tried counseling etc.
That gives you two options about how to react to the way you are being treated (not the money). One is to write the relationships off, like I have with daughter. The other is to suck it up for the sake of keeping a relationship. I have put up a barrier in my head and heart about what to expect from sister, but I still mourn losing my daughter and her children. Based on my experience, I’d suggest that you try to keep on speaking terms with your father and sister, but drop your expectations down to basement level. I hope this helps just a little, Margaret
We lived with my grandparents for 3 years and during that time my mom and dad cared for them, helped with bills, did all cooking and cleaning. My dad was always adamant that anything from his parents estate would be shared equally with his sister ( who by the way was married and retired - well taken care of). This was a great example to me. Now I am taking care of my mom ( dad passed ) - she lives just 3 miles from me). My sister might call once a month and lives in another state. I’ve tried keeping up but get one word responses back. While I might deserve something more for my time and caregiving - I do not think that should be the estate or what might be left - I still feel like it should be equally split. I will have the deep memories of a great close relationship with my parents and cherish that. My opin : you should be an equal in the estate and IF YOU want to give your sister more then you can do that but what is left should be split between you both.
You will be rewarded in the long run & have no regrets. Your sister however will wish she spent more time with your parents when then are no longer here.
Let your petty sister and hard-hearted father sort things out for themselves. You cannot control their choices. Your sister chooses to caregive for free; she chooses to keeping running after the carrot that your father dangles in front of her. And your father chose to not leave you any money. Don't bring them into your home; that idea has disaster written all over it.
Be grateful that you are financially secure. Enjoy your life with your husband. Keep your distance because what they both have done is understandably hurtful to you.
I wanted a fair and happy life with my siblings and parents ever since I was a kid. Didn’t happen and never will. Recently I turned it around. I have declared myself as an only child now, make that an orphan because I don’t have a relationship with my mother any longer either.
Enough about what I don’t have though, I got my life back since I am no longer mom’s caregiver. I have my husband and daughters without any interference from mom! That is priceless to me.
I certainly wouldn’t want someone to live with me that I didn’t feel close to. Doesn’t make any sense to move her dad and sister in. Dad should pay caregiving sister.
You can read my story.
Anyway, I just want you to know I undersatd how you feel, and your not wrong or alone in feeling that way...
Below is the Scottish law. It would stop a lot of disputes, but the lawyers would be hurting...
"Rights of Spouse or Civil Partners
Under Scottish law, a surviving spouse or civil partner and children are entitled to certain "legal right" out of the deceased person's ‘moveable estate’. Moveable property includes such things as money, shares, cars, furniture and jewellery whilst ‘heritable property’ means land and buildings.
These legal rights are a distinctive feature of Scottish law and would apply whether a person dies testate (having made a Will) or intestate (having no Will). Legal rights are based on the principle of protecting family members from being disinherited. These rights cannot be defeated by the existence of a Will which makes a limited, or no provision for a spouse, civil partner or children."
Life is not fair. You were dealt a poor hand, but look at how well you have done despite the horrible people you were born to. Success is the best revenge.
I would not have dad move into my house with the way you have been treated. Let them all have their money since it means so much to them. Happiness is much more valuable than money. ❤︎
I will add that I did rescue mthr when she was endangering herself and others. As a result, I will inherit the money she should have spent on me instead of charging me for her trouble. I did not expect this at all and am surprised by myself. I did spend a chunk of her money to give her house to the church next door (which she hated) and to bring the property up to their standards. It's still not fun and there are days when I wish I'd walked, but then bad people would have taken her money. It's better that her victim be recompensed in part than more evil people profit.
Caregiving takes you out of the workforce while you get older and your job skills become obsolete and stale. That's one thing. But it's also hellishly hard work, physically and emotionally draining. It breeds resentment, especially if you're doing it alone and there are siblings who could be helping. From your perspective, it's unrealistic to expect you to help from 900 miles away. From your sister's perspective, she may feel like she's been left holding the bag. From your parents' perspective, they can become very self-involved as they get older and more infirm. They can stop thinking about anyone who isn't helping them at that moment. Sentimental feelings for people who are far away, even their own children, may become a thing of the past.
Your sister may be harboring a lot of resentment towards you. Maybe not. But it's easy for the person in her position to feel that you weren't there and you don't deserve anything. You say you love your family, and I don't doubt that. But I wonder if they know that. I wonder if it's been demonstrated to your sister in ways that would be meaningful to her.
I'm not judging. I'm just wondering out loud. You're entitled to your feelings. So is everyone else in the family.
"When I asked my dad about it he says that was to make sure my sister gets it and not my husband if I die."
Sounds like your father and your sister have some sort of enmeshed relationship.
My wife's mom set up her estate such as very little was directly inherited by my wife and her twin sister, but the rest was left a mess which is costing the estate 45% in taxes. Why? That is their punishment for getting married. I'm serious. My SIL told me this. Also, when my wife dies, her trust from her mom goes to our two boys. My wife has even set up her pension to go our boys when she dies. Thankfully, I have a big enough retirement account and other investments to survive all of that. It's not right, but that is how it is. Also, several years ago when my wife was in therapy related to her mother, she said she was sorry for all she put me and our boys through so that she could stay in her mother's will. Well, that sure makes me feel used.
I do not believe this is about 'entitlement'......what you are 'owed' versus what your sister is owed, financially, as your parents' care giver. I believe this is instead about you feeling invisible. As if you don't matter. As if only your sister matters as a human being because she did and does the care giving and that, somehow, makes her more important. More visible. More entitled to make all the little decisions, right down to which of mother's brooches she should throw to you, like a dog, rather than giving to her friend.
Right?
I hear you. Your sister is petty. Your parents made some unfortunate decisions about their estate, probably egged on by your greedy-sounding sister. Yes, it's their money. And yes, they can and should do with it as they wish. But they should also take YOUR feelings into consideration as a daughter and as a human being. And so should your sister, but it sounds to me like she's too self-righteous to even consider doing such a thing.
Fortunately, you do not need the inheritance to live a good life.
Fortunately, you will not have to take on the role of care giver to your elderly father, which is more than most of us (me included) could bear.
Don't ask your sister for anything specific at all; don't give her that satisfaction. Tell her you'd love to have some of mother & father's personal belongings once they're BOTH departed, and leave it at that.
They will always live inside your HEART. That is where the memories are. Not in the 'stuff' or in the money. Leave your sister to those worthless things. She deserves them.
P.S. I forgot to mention something.........my first husband said he 'gave me a lot of money' in the divorce, which is nonsense, of course.......we split everything 50-50. I got remarried 10 years ago and now have 5 stepchildren. My ex called me last week to 'make sure' I'm leaving 'the money he gave me' to OUR children, and not the second-class citizens aka my stepchildren! Isn't that rich?! I told him this: I WILL LEAVE MY MONEY TO WHOEVER I DARN WELL PLEASE, BUT NOT BEFORE I SPEND IT ON MYSELF AND MY HUSBAND FIRST!! I have every intention of leaving the $$$, if there is any, to ALL of the children!!!
Your answers are always spot in. The parents ARE making her feel as though she doesn’t matter at all. It could be that the greedy sister also had a hand in all these decisions.
Situations such as this ruin relationships forever!
A lot of times, the way people feel about us or treat us is more a reflection of how they see themselves than our actions or what we actually are. There is probably a part of your sister that sees her divorce and move back into the parents' home as a failure compared to your sustained marriage and independent home. She may also feel everything has always been "easy" for you. She knows about her own struggles but since you moved away she may not be aware of your own. Siblings tend to compare themselves to each other, even when they are very different and _chose_ very different lives. She wants you to know that in this one area, she is on top and in control. Your parents may view your sister as less capable than you and more in need of their continued support, even beyond death.
Please consider you are seeing your sister at her worst. Care giving is very stressful and your mother's death in many ways makes it so much harder, at least for some period of time. When tired and after enduring long term stress people act in strange ways and say things from a distorted viewpoint.
It may not be fair, but I encourage you to let it go. Be grateful your father has the funds to provide care options. Your relationship with your sister may be a little prickly during the remaining care giving years and require your continued understanding, but you can probably still have a good relationship after your sister recovers from care giving. In your own old age, it will be nice to have a sister to call.
Really your age is neither here nor there, though. I am curious to know how much of the $600,000 estate you think you're entitled to? You acknowledge that your sister deserves a larger share, but what share do you think you should get?
I can't understand why you would want to move them in with you now, especially knowing how you are cut out of any inheritance. It makes me think that you must want to get in on some of the inheritance?
If you knew for sure that the will will not be changed, would you still want to move them in?
My mother's death left me with feelings I did not know what to do with. I struggle with abandonment issues for which I have been in treatment for many, many years. My mother wasn't the greatest of mothers during my formative years. That fact left me with battle scars and a "mental health diagnosis." For over 40 years, I have lived with things my mother did, not telling a sole, including my psychiatrist.
I think I wished in death she could have "fixed" me in some way. I fixated on her will as a means to "fix" me. In reality, though, she did not need to write anything down. She could have just chosen something personal and let me know it was mine without offering it to my sister first. However, now that I have quelled my emotions, I don't think this would have fixed me at all. I just really would have liked to know if it would have had some positive effect of my damaged psyche.
My sister said to me about the ring, "how could she offer it to you when I am her caregiver?" I thought to myself..."natural affection, something foreign to my mother." I really wish the ring would have been something like a sweater, because the fact that it is valuable clouds the reality of how I am feeling in other people's minds.
In my mind, everything is my sister's. She is a good person, who would never see me homeless. But, I am called "greedy" by my father (he has since apologized) when I pointed out that so much as a lamp could not personally be given to me. I am not greedy. I don't want money, I desperately want to feel whole.
When I point out the size of the estate, it is assumed that I am after it, because let's face it, most people would be. What I am doing is pointing out how absurd it is that I cannot be given literally "a lamp" without the need for my sister as a "mediator" or prior owner of the item.
I came to the reality years ago, that people view you how they themselves are...I guess it is impossible for people to see me in any way other than greedy, as I am indeed rare. My problem is deeper than money.
My mother spoke to me in what I coined the "belittle/self-promote" pattern. My mother would belittle my efforts and then immediately self-promote, i.e. let me know how she did it better. This pattern along with other behaviors broke me at 6-years-old. This is not a mental health forum so I will not go into detail other than to say that I have an alternate personality that I retreat to for relief. My sister speaks to me in much the same way, but I truly believe my sister is largely oblivious to it. She was just trained by a pro.
Just prior to my original post, I "collapsed" mentally because of my sister's repeated belittling and self-promoting during our almost 2 months together. Apparently, I "rush" with everything, but she "takes her time and notices things." I also "lack initiative," but she "has it together in similar circumstances." What makes it so awful, is that it is relentless. At one point, I told her "please stop, I cannot take that anymore." But, I think what I meant by that went over her head and, as a result, I collapsed. That collapsed, however, turned into an "emotional epiphany."
I came to the realization that people can only do to me what I allow. I allowed my mother to talk to me like that because children want the approval of even the worst of mothers. A gorilla is a better mother than mine was.
I tolerated it out of my sister too because she was a surrogate mother of sorts that I sought approval from as well. My epiphany: my mother is dead, I will not tolerate belittling another day.
I need to tell my sister how she talks to me. If she wants a relationship with me she needs to stop it. I want respect and believe I deserve it.
Sis has made this commitment to provide the care and dad's yet may become very difficult. She may not be able to continue to manage alone or even at home. Then dad's money would have to be used for his care. Where would that leave sis? Best to suggest a caregiver contract and pay her before dad needs a nursing home and any security sis thought she might have is gone.
Take a look at this summary by AARP on a report from MetLife about the cost to caregivers that take the job your sis has taken on.
https://www.aarp.org/livable-communities/learn/health-wellness/info-12-2012/metlife-study-caregiving-costs-working.html
I am sorry you feel unloved by your sister. She may feel the same way about you. Family situations can become complicated.
If you are happy with your situation as of now, why change anything? Why are you interested in selling the home at this point? Why not set up a caregiver contract instead with a reasonable fee paid? You can deal with the house later and your father may want you to receive a portion of the inheritance.
Have you tried talking to your sister or is there simply too much water under the bridge?
Hope it works out for all of you. Take care.
I know that the amounts of money that dad has right now seem large; faced with 12K per month NH expenses, they will seem quite diminished, especially if your dear sister is trying to conserve his resources by caring for him in an increasingly frail state. Your sister, at 57, is not a spring chicken and the toll that caregiving takes on one's mental and physical health is very, very real.
Frankly, the way your sister is treating you sounds like she is suffering from some very real self esteem and self-regulation issues. Does she take care of her health?
If dad starts paying sister for care with a properly set up caregiver contract, sis will have a predictable income, will get the SS and Medicare credits that she is going to need down the road.
I know that you have no traction in this situation, but do make the suggestion to them both. And then, move on.
For sister, it is also about recognition, status and material security. I expect she is a little bit difficult to like for the time being.
It is a great pity that your parents did not think to make you formal keepsake gifts, which would have addressed this issue and left both you and your sister certain about their wishes. But! - we just don't think of everything, something always gets overlooked. If they had got round to it, I'm sure your parents would have wanted you to feel secure in their equal love for you.
Your sister was quite wrong, of course, in imagining that your mother needed sister's permission to give her own possessions away. But your mother could have looked on "asking" as a polite way of telling her that you were having that ring, period. And you did get it, yes? If sister felt the need to take the credit for generosity, let her. She can add it to her heap.
It is *incredibly* difficult to explain to your parent: "your not leaving me a bean makes me feel as though you don't recognise me as your child." And if the parent can't already see that for himself, I really can't see how you can make him understand. I'm very sorry.
Neither of them sounds all that pleasant to visit, much less live with.
In the scheme of things, 600K is not a lot of money to sustain a healthy 80 year old elder. Does he have a pension and a large SS check coming in each month?
A "safe withdrawal rate" for age 80 would be about 5%, so you're only talking about 30K per year. There likely will be nothing left for your sister at the end if dad were to need nursing home care.
Imagine the shoe on the other foot. You provided all of the care and sibs (mine twisted sissies) and they refused to allow folks funds to pay you because of the impact on their inheritance! Yes, it happens, both twisteds very well situated, while at 65, back to work, may never be able to recover from the financial impact of that four years. Is retirement even a possibility?
Let them have the hateful environment they have created and you mourn and bury your family.
I am sorry that your sister has been so nasty, caregiving is stressful and it really changes people, especially when they are looking at a sizable inheritance.
I know that 600k sounds like a lot of money but caregiving cost a lot of money. An AL at the minimum is 60k a year. That 600k would be gone in 10 yrs. Not a good idea to sell the house and give sister the proceeds. Not that Dad would need it but Medicaid would look at that 200k and count it as a gift. If Dads money is investments, he could lose it or a big chunk of it.
In your sister's mind she gave up her life for her parents and she deserves something for it. Maybe she does. I agree, Dad has two daughters and you should be left something but that is not how he sees it. He sees a 57 year old daughter who has been there and will need to be for him too. At 80, I would not take him away from what is familiar.
Now, please don't get mad at me. Just trying to see things from sister's side. She may have looked at your suggestion to sell the house and keep the money a little condescending.
I would be hurt to but your Dad probably feels you have done well in your life. He sees his other daughter as having nothing because she chose to care for her mother. He feels he owes her something. Let it go. You r just going to ruin any kind of relationship you do have with Dad and sister. At least when he passes, sister will have the house and whatever money there is. If she did not work while caring for Mom, she will not receive very much SS. Cost of living is high and getting higher. 600k sounds like a lot but she will need that to live off of for the rest of her life. If Dad lives till 90 she will be 67. She had to work to get Medicare. Can't get a job at 67 and hard at 57 with no work experience. So at 67 she could live 20 more years. Divide that into 600k and that is only 30k a year.
But the shift to bequests made me wonder if this is a ploy, notwithstanding statements that you don't need the money, to gain some access to your parents' remaining assets and bequests.
Sorry, but I think there's more to this situation beyond offering your home to your remaining parent. And I think you sister views the situation that way.
I do understand the need to redeem oneself by extending care, but perhaps you can think of some other way than moving your father at his age.
If balancing or assuming more obligations is truly your goal, think about how, and ask your sister, what you can do and contribute from your home, while keeping your father in an environment with which he's already familiar.
I don't intend to be critical or blunt, but I cant help interpret your potential plans as a method of getting back into your father's good graces, and gaining some personal objects as an inheritance.
My situation isn't entirely different, and I interpret (with good foundation and examples) my sibling's attempt to now help as too little, too late, and solely for personal gain. Limited help was provided during my father's lifetime, but more help as was really needed was also denied. It's too late to change the ill will created by those refusals to help when it was desperately needed.
I cannot understand how parents can disinherit one of their children and you seem to want your sister to get more since she took care of them. I think it was just wrong for her to give a friend your mother’s brooch without asking you first.
It sounds like your sister is resentful & you have every right to feel hurt. Who has POA & is there a will & trust set up? As Dolly said do not let them move in with you the way things are now. Good luck to you!