Update on mom in assisted living. I had a hard time convincing my mom to go to assisted living. She was diagnosed with dementia 2 years ago and she couldn't stay alone anymore. I work, have a family she kept wanting them to leave. In March, she went to assisted living. I go twice a week and at first called her every night. I now only call three times a week because she is so negative I cannot take it anymore. When I go to do her hair, she constantly complains. She complains how I do her hair, about the place, about the people, about everything. She keeps asking me "could you live here?" Actually yes. It is brand new, wonderful people and great food. I worn out with the negativity. I have explained to her about her complaints, but she says I am "fussing" at her. Not true, just need some peace. Is it normal for a dementia patient be so negative? I do not want to go visit or call her. It would be so easy to just stop. I am an only child and feel obligated to help her. I feel so much better knowing she is safe and well cared for. She will not bathe or change her pajamas. She doesn't want to get her clothes on. She just wants to complain. She tells me she doesn't eat there, but they tell me different. Her memory isn;t so much the issue, it is her personality change, her inability to care for herself, and her reasoning skills are gone. Oh my, you cannot reason with her at all. When she truly believes something..well, she will say.."well, you are always right and want to argue with me." I want to walk away and enjoy my life without her in it, but I feel guilty for even thinking such a thing. Is all this normal?
Jewel, only you can decide if you are the same person you were a year ago. Do you have the ability to walk in, say hello and chat and IF she starts complaining say "Mother, I love you and would love to visit with you, but if you are going to complain about things that neither of us has the ability to change, I'm going to leave. It's your choice what to talk about, but it's my choice whether to stay and listen". If she keeps complaining, smile and put your fingers in your ears and say "lalalalalalala". If she continues, smile, say your goodbyes and leave.
IF you think you can do that, then give it a shot. But I agree with GSA, I'd discuss with your therapist first. Perhaps you need to role play this a bit first.
I am very grateful to my counselor who helped me, but I worked very hard. I still have to work, but my relationship with my mother has shifted since I don't put up with her nonsense anymore. We will never have the loving relationship,the child within me had been craving, but I now have the love inside me--for me--if that makes sense. I do not need, expect, nor want her as my loving mother. That ship has sailed. Please let us know what you decide to do. No matter what, walk in freedom. XXOO
I love all your suggestions and hope I can make a decision soon. I was at peace knowing I had walked away from the torture. All the pain has now reoccurred with a price attached to it.
I live in an older neighborhood (one street) where we all have different sources of income. Some of the income is much higher than others. One of our neighbors is a very wealthy, very successful businessman. I sit this morning watching him tear down his mother-in-laws home (which he owned) He lives on the hill behind her home on 20 acres, and she lives diagonally to me ( in my quaint 1500 sq ft home).--well, now she lives in a nursing home because of her dementia. I wondered while I watched.... They are very wealthy have a 6 bedroom home, a home in different climates (3) actually.--They put her in the nursing home and don't think twice about it.--I know this because I will ask his wife from time to time "how is your mother doing"? Her response is usually something like "Crazier than ever"--with a huge laugh or "She is fed and well taken care of". They go on with their daily life and do what they love to do---travel, have parties, and make more money. I have to say though, he a humanitarian--he gives generously to our little sleepy town. I struggle to exist some days because of my guilt. I am not guilty that I never did anything for her because I did everything. The guilt comes from knowing she thinks I am a bad person. I can still hear "well, because I am your mother". It rings loud most days. I have to remind myself just because she is my mother doesn't mean I have to take what she dishes out--- She has shown me many times who she really is.
Have a great week!!
My mom used to talk so negative of her sister. She was always putting her down and was so jealous of her thinking that she was my grandmother's favorite.--my mother's issues, of course. Now, guess who helps her out?--you got it, that sister. Talking about a saint. I told her she can have my crown of jewels one day. She has truly been a life saver for me. As I have been reading over the past years, it is so hard to believe there are so many negative and thoughtless mothers/parents out there. Wonder if it is generational? I am sure glad we have evolved.
It occurs to me that narcissistic parents are like little kids who've never grown up emotionally. Where emotionally mature parents raise their children to become more independent each day, and take pride in seeing their children cut the apron strings of emotional and financial dependence, narcissistic parents strangle their children with expectations of endless admiration, dependence and use money as a stand-in for love. It's very sad to see someone subjected to this. I'm so glad that you are starting to break free!
During church today I also had another realization.--It is not me she needs to find peace with, it is not me that she needs to make it right.... I realize I do not need to make it right with her either, I have already made it right in the place I need it to be right--my higher being (my salvation in my Savior)
Also have to say that the kindness & wisdom her professional caregivers have shown me has been so helpful. I feel such gratitude for them. And thanks to you all, as well.
Jewel, if I were you i would cut off all communications altogether and try and forget about it completly. Put a block on your phone after making it clear to her that at this time you just don't want to talk to her. My mom left us when I was 18 months old, my sister was 3. We were raised by my father, grandmother and grandfather. She decided that she wanted to be back in my life when I was 25. I had a husband and 3 kids by then. I let her, thinking that she must of felt differently by that time and would be sorry for her actions. I talked with my father about it and he thought it would be the " right Christian " thing to do. My 58 year old father died a month later very suddenly while working so I felt as if I had made a promise to him that I would try. So after 3 more husbands (shouldn't that was supposed to be a clue to me?) I dove off, heart first, into a relationship with her. I put my children and husband thru all her problems and misery for 36 years and can not remember one good time at all. She was the same narcissistic person that I didn't even remember her as to begin with. ( I had no memories of her- I was too young). I nursed her thru 2 auto wrecks that she almost died in, many sicknesses and 3 more husbands. As my children got old enough to be on their own they refused to see her, going as far as putting blocks on their phones and having the police escort her away if she showed up. I don't know why my husband didn't just leave and divorce me. Things were just that bad. She tried to plot me against my children, my husband, my grandmother, and just about any other kin I had. My sister and I never had much of a relationship, even growing up as I now believe that
I am with you, I cannot change her. I have tried to change myself to accommodate her needs and it still didn't work. She still finds a way to make me feel worthless and less than mediocre. Just know now, you have peace and can move forward. I am patiently waiting on that.
I have decided to write a note. I have typed and deleted a million times. Now that I have the words, I plan to write it tomorrow and send it out. I am still afraid of the repercussions that lie ahead, but regardless what I do, it will not matter to her. I am sure she will find a part of the letter and dwell on it and pick it apart. She will also, in her mind, put words in my mouth. I let her know I received her check and I couldn't accept it. I let her know how I feel by telling her my feelings are always hurt over and over and that I am afraid it will happen again. I told her I could not uphold the perfect daughter role she expected and I wasn't ready to talk to her. That's a brief on what I said. As that scared little girl, I will send the letter then still be afraid of what she will do or say. Silly, I know, but the struggle is real.