Is it normal she's so negative?

you're normal dear. I'm an only as well. In time, she WILL get used to her new place, and you will get used to her illness. Mine has Dementia too. Reading about Dementia/Alzheimer's helps a little. It takes time to learn to not take her seriously and try to get her to laugh. Your Moms Narcissistic behavior is normal in this situation. She's lost total control for the first time and can't handle it. She want someone "to pay" for her situation and she's also scared to death of being alone. If you DO start coming to see her one time a week instead of 2 unless she's near death, she will HAVE to reach out to others I. Her immediate group. Once she get used to being there, she'll probably calm down. Just change the subject like you do with little kids and that will help too. Having your role model break down is a shock to the system too. Find a mantra...like "I won't let her get to me". I won't let her get to me". Repeat as many times as you need to (to yourself of course) when she's into her diatribe. Keep reminding yourself she's not the same person she was..she's in a different reality. If you can...get into her reality for a little while. Tell her you know how hard it must be to have so much change going on all at once..it is for you too. Maybe that helps. My daughter is closer to Grandma than I am..she's a natural at talking to her. I'm a little more pragmatic. I put up with my mother for a lot longer. We're good, but never were great together. Having friends she knows visit may help too. Everyone is different. You'll find you own pace and words in time. When you go home... forget it all and do something YOU like to do.

She will play the guilt card with you til the end! Stop visiting for a while. Get a life for yoyrself! If she hates the way you do her hair, don't do it! Complains about the food? Let her. I'd have to walk away at some point, not because it bothered me so much, but for my own sanity! Even the ALF employees get 16 hours away from her per day! Give yourself a break!

Your story sounds so familiar. I think my Dad is in the early stages of dementia. He accuses people of stealing things I find for him later. He complains about his AC is too loud, the kids in the complex bug his dog, it is too cold in Kansas. I paid for a really nice suite for my husband, my Dad and his dog whilst driving the Uhaul and my Dad's things from Arizona. He sat in the car like a child saying he would not go in there, because someone would steal everything he owned from the truck. Most of his belongings were so old they didn't work anymore or just on the verge of breaking. We got him into a one level, one bedroom apartment with new hardwood floors and appliances. I applied for subsidy and wrangled his bills down into where he can actually afford them. Got his medical worked out, new glasses, etc. It has cost us $7000. I pay everything and give him allowance whether he had it left or not. I make and deliver him dinners 4 times a week. When his dryer quit working he claimed it was because my husband hit too many bumps with the Uhaul. He hammered me for weeks about being dumb and forgetting his jacket from the front hall closet in his old place. After I bought him a new one, he found it in his car trunk. He accused a neighbor of stealing the antenna off of his car. Said he saw him do it. I knew the piece he was referring to was in his car door slot waiting to be put back on because it fell off inside the carwash when we had his smoke ridden smelly car detailed. He tells everyone he never knows how much money he has, but he actually knows that if he doesn't have it in cash, he doesn't have it. I don't keep any of his money per month to pay myself back the $7000. I do feel like I should be putting some of it aside for months when he may need it. He has the perfect set up and although he thanks me to my face for everything I do daily, he wrote an email to 5 people telling them he needs to get out of Kansas, that I convinced him to move here and it was a bad decision. One of those people he emailed has been dead for 5 years. The list goes on. I feel for you. I took 5 days off from calling or stopping by and his dog had a medical emergency. My narcissistic sister was there and took him and the dog to the vet. No one called me. Now my sister hangs it over my head like I am a terrible person and she is Florence Nightingale. I just told her "Thank God you were there". Big deal, $500 at the vet vs. $7000 for rescuing him from ruin doesn't compare. My sister was no where to be found during the death of my step mother or moving my Dad out here. God Bless you for caring for your parent. As an only child I am sure it feels like you could use some help. Take it from me, siblings can me more of a hurt than a help. Unfortunately aging and dementia it seems normal to be confused and ridiculous and complain nonstop. Feeling like walking away is also normal. Trust me I have the same feelings, but if I don't take care of the old cantankerous coot, who will? I do love him. He is one of two people that gave me life and no one will love him as much as his family. Good luck to you. Keep us posted.

I don’t have advice. Only good vibes going your way as I’m in a similar situation.

Dear Jewel...doing the "right thing" ...helping your mom..maintaining a relationship with her...as she uses your kind nature against you..drains you emotionally and physically...is a very hard thing...I live in this. World too..I've had too many melt downs to count..you carry on til one day you crash...I hate to even be in her air space...it's sad...but we just keep on ..with boundaries...you have to protect your mental health..hugs and prayers for you

Dad complains about so many things......when he first moved in with me three years ago, the bed was too high from the ground (he's 6'4" and it was a standard queen bed), the forks were like pitchforks and the spoons were like shovels. The chairs were all strange (found out he doesn't like rocking chairs) and he could not, would not, understand that we were not keeping the house a steady 36 degrees inside. He doesn't like the way the grass is mowed or the fact that we insist on washing his sheets. It just went on and on and it still does. I am certain that the caretakers do get an extra dose of what ever there is to dish out.

He smells horrible, refuses to bathe regularly but says he does, smokes like a chimney (outside, at least) is deaf as a post and his favorite hobby is picking his nose. Due to his reasoning skill deficiencies it is impossible to have a conversation with him. Me: "Dad, would you like me to pick up something at the store?" Him: "CLOWNS.....why are you saying that there are clowns marching across the living room?"

He says that he is not eating but actually eats and astonishing amount of food without gaining weight. He moans, groans and shreiks in what sounds like pain - loudly and continually all day, along with other selected verbal tics and profanities.

I also found out AFTER he moved in that the rest of the family was certain he has Aspbergers. I absolutely agree and really wish I had known it in the beginning as it would have helped. (It might have helped me decide to run in another direction.) Personality change and dementia are difficult, but what if your parent is extremely difficult and only gets worse? On top of it all, he presents fine to his doctor who says "remember, he took care of you years ago......"

I am so glad to have found this site - I now understand it is not me :)

life is generally very unpleasant when you get old with chronic diseases and nobody wants you--all your loved ones also die off. So they are entitled.

Normal, and it doesn’t even have to involve dementia. Just this morning Mom gave me the “You never want to listen and everything I say will be wrong because you always have to be right” speech. She’s enjoying her martyrdom, for sure. She lives with me, because she’s not so far gone to need assisted living, she just has general age related decline. But this arrangement only works with her cooperation. I have cleaning people in every few weeks to keep up with bathtubs and vacuuming since these got hard for me. Just every few weeks and they are usually in and out in an hour, but Mom still complains. Because she doesn’t cooperate with any kind of schedule and can dream up an excuse at the drop of a penny, I finally figured out how to get part time assistance for her, but I hear about that, too. You’d think I was being horrible to her instead of trying to find ways to make this work.

The way she tries to twist and manipulate everything, I can’t trust half of what she says anymore.

And I can’t help wonder now about stories I’ve heard in the past. It was always, “these poor elderly people,” but now I’m seeing that those elderly types are master manipulators!

She complains, she makes up excuses...

What are her complaints? What are her excuses?

It isn't that I don't sympathise, truly. I'm just wondering if there might be a grain of truth in her accusation that you don't want to listen. I wouldn't blame you, either! - who does want to listen to 101 Reasons For No? But maybe acknowledging what she says would be no bad thing.

Tried that. Really I have. I’ve done the listening, the explaining, the reasoning. If it’s not what she wants to hear, then it must be my fault. I’m reminded of advice a friend gave her daughter in law about reasoning with a two year old. Two year olds want what they want and don’t like being thwarted. Five year olds will argue you to death. But in the end, letting them manipulate you isn’t doing either of you any good.

My mother was always a bit dramatic and passive-aggressive, but now the brakes are off. Nothing that I do or say, unless it’s what she wants, is going to be right. And this realization is hard won; I spent years making excuses for her and making myself miserable trying to do everything right to please her. If I gave an inch, she wanted a mile. All I got out of it is more manipulation, high blood pressure, and indigestion.

Mm. But the difference is that two and five year olds are not consenting adults who have exercised autonomy for several decades and are, whether they like it or not, responsible for the consequences of their own choices.

Passive aggressive, declining with age, whatever - if your mother is not losing her marbles she can make her own choices. And you can honourably decline to participate. Are there no options besides a) living with your support or b) an ALF? You get choices too!

She has some savings, but no, she couldn’t afford ALF, and my choice is getting an aid in. Because she needs to bathe once in a while!

My sanity saver is having many friends who are in similar situations. So I do have people to bounce things off of, to check my own reasonableness. As you said, an older person can make choices a two year old can’t. I’m just asking that she choose to cooperate. I can’t be everywhere and everything- there are solutions but she has to participate to make them work.

My mother is exactly the same. Nothing pleases her, she refuses to dress so stays in her pajamas all day & then insists that no one offers to help her dress. She wears diapers but will sit in wet clothes all day waiting on someone to come change her, but will not tell anyone that she's wet. There is a beauty shop in the ALF and the workers take her down every week but she comes back & goes straight to bed then complains that her hair is a mess. She won't go to the dining room & insists on having her meals brought to her then claims that they didn't feed her or that it was inedible, but has managed to gain weight. It is a 45 minute trip one way, but she complains because I only make it twice a week. She had a phone but refuses to answer when I call because it's too hard to reach ( it's right beside her chair). She refuses to mingle with the other residents, complains about the entertainment, won't turn on the tv or read and then complains of boredom. As soon as I leave I begin to dread the next visit. I'm an only child, so it's all on me. I'm 66 y/o and I swear this will kill me before it does her. I take care of everything and then she tells me that she's glad I don't have the problems & worries she does.

My mom refused to go into a senior community. She is 68 and it’s senior apartments, but independent living. They had activities, transportation and everything. Told her therapist we were trying to put her away in a care facility. Which it WAS NOT. I understand about the negativity, everything is negative with her or she doesn’t ever feel well. It has pushed me away because it brings me down.

I finally couldn't take it anymore and relinquished financial POA, turned everything back over to my Dad so my sister is now stuck with him. Serves her right. All of the drama of him pitting my sister and me against each other. I didn't let him bad mouth her. She is foolish and ran with every ridiculous story he made up for sympathy. He had it really good. I am not going into further debt for such an angry, rude, abusive old fart anymore. No wonder my mother left him and my brother won't have anything to do with him. I guess I thought I was doing the right things and forgot what a toxic bunch of weirdos I am related to. My sister loves the toxic environment and considers herself to be superior to everyone even though she does nothing. Time to put her money where her mouth is. Literally. Good riddance. Life is too short to allow myself to be abused and lied about when I am going above and beyond. I wish them well and want nothing to do with them. She can pay me back the $7500 I wasted on this jerk while she is at it.

Don’t know why I feel this is the right place to ask this question. Along the lines of negativity, I honestly think I’ve got the winner with my mother, but my question is directed to all mothers here, as I’m not one. My mom has been negative and extremely controlling all her life and all that took a terrible turn towards disaster as she aged, she’s become in summary, bitter.
But my mom truly believes and has told me more times than any heart and mind can take that my failure in life is the reason why she’s so “deeply sad” (bitter). By my failure in life she means I married the wrong person, divorced him and didn’t have children.
I also wish I’d children, as I feel I’ve a lot of love to give in my heart, but it only becomes a very painful realization when my mother reminds me of the fact that I really have nothing meaningful in life.
She says I cannot understand why it’s such a huge deal and a failure for her as a mother too when her daughter hasn’t been able to have anything ‘that really counts’ in life.
Now, because I know my mom and her ways, I know the first emotion she resources to, to face most situations is anger, so what she says is actually coming from love and worry, but expressed through anger. Worry because she feels she will leave me some time soon, and I’ll be alone and not realized as a woman.
The thing is, I’m on the opposite spectrum of negativity and anger. Despite all, I always find reasons to laugh and look at the future with hope. That is, despite and extremely difficult path as a caregiver of a very negative and harsh person.

I was an accomplished professional and had a good job, which I left to become her caregiver, and I’m glad I did. She needs me and I needed to feel I’m doing what my heart tells me to. Still have my own house which I’m renting out, and more than anything I feel that through my caregiving journey I’ve grown a lot; all that is good, and im also from my heart grateful because God is allowing me to be here for my mom, despite all, I feel good performing my mission as a daughter.

But for you Mothers  out here, please tell me, is it a normal or expected and a realistic outcome to be so bitter entirely because of your children’s mistakes, to a point of saying and truly believing they are the reason why you’re so miserable at this stage of life?

Logically the answer should be no. But I’m starting to believe that because I’m not a mother im really not understanding the truth.

Your honest views will be very much appreciated!

"is it a normal or expected and a realistic outcome to be so bitter entirely because of your children’s mistakes, to a point of saying and truly believing they are the reason why you’re so miserable at this stage of life? "

Absolutely not normal. We each are responsible for our own happiness. Blaming others is dysfunctional. My mother is narcissistic too and never took responsibility for anything negative that happened in her life. It was always someone else's fault. She has Borderline Personality Disorder and narcissism. She is mentally ill.

Thank you Golden for responding. Yes, it’s obvious that she does not have a healthy approach towards life and has huge problems being empathetic, yet she will never realize it.

But when you’re so immersed in a situation you really start doubting yourself, at least that happens to me; specially because she always tells me I don’t understand because I’m not a mother, or I don’t understand because I’m not walking in her shoes. If she knew that I feel I understand much more of her situation than she understands herself! She’s absolutely unaware of her emotional problems, and truly is unable to realize how hurtful she can be.

Through life it was probably attributable to a personality disorder but now that is mixed with age and illness. It’s terrible, and I feel for her, it breaks my heart not only because of her ways but more because I know she suffers terribly. I love my mom, if I could turn the negativity switch off for her, I know life would have such different colors! And I guess with that I answered my own question too. 

So, appreciate your answer very much. Thank you and God bless.

Dear Rosses, Honestly, I think you should quit your caregiving “job” and return to the workplace. Your mother is running and ruining your life, and you are so entitled to have a beautiful life! She is not thinking of your well being when she suggests you have not fulfilled your mission as a woman. Give me a break! She is controlling and keeping you subservient. I have also got a “prize-winning mother,” but after counseling, much reading, this site, and lots of self-work, I have started to emerge as a free, whole person. It is not perfect but so much better. I am glad you feel like you are doing the right thing for your mother, but I hope you revisit that. She is taking your life and you need to enjoy your life in the way you design it. Shame on her—she will never change. Not ever. So, please try and get a new plan and make it one that is for YOU. Ask yourself, “If my mother were not in my life, what would I be doing? What would I want to do?” See if you have any realizations that are helpful. Take care and please let us hear how you are doing. I care and so do so many others. This is the hardest work of your life!

I don’t know why my reply was printing twice!

normal, normal. Your mother sounds like my mom. she treats me like i am her servant. She always says negative things. At least you can sleep at night and regroup yourself. When you have to deal with that 247, it is not a pretty picture

Does she have depression? Is that the med/s the doc is adjusting? I would ask the nurse if a psychiatrist is prescribing the med? The reason is that some docs underprescribe the correct dose. Then say it's not doing anything. Nothing more I can do. It's because they don't know the correct therapeutic dosage. The dose can be adjusted, or another one added. I would find out what her dose is, as well as other meds and see if it is can be increased. What is the normal range for that particular medication. A lot of times the caretaker has to be very proactive in the care of a loved one.
If the negativity is too great, I would limit the visit time for your own sanity. It will start to rub off on you, and effect your health. Good luck.

She is very frustrated, she is in her own previous life. I came from other country 27 years ago, I had some feeling as she has now. You are a wonderful daughter, believe yourself, do not get frustrated like us. When you are visiting her, just be a daughter, do not try to do the care giver's job, all the work should belong to other people, like pursued her to eat, ask her to stay in the chair, toilet her, explain to her what is right and what is wrong, please just be a daughter, give her a hug, a kiss, if she wants something, ask a caregiver to do it, do not try to be a superpower , just be a daughter. Ask her if she is cold or hot, thirsty or hungery, happy or angry, ask her if she needs extra pair of sucks, shoes, clothes, ask her if she needs blanket, or pillow case, ask her if she wants to get some fresh air...... If she does, please let her know that you will bring it asap or do it right away.
No matter what she says, believe her, believe her, you are the only person she trusts, believe her. Your eye will show her your heart, even the person who has been diagnosed as dementia, they know how we treat them, they know from our eyes, face expression and body figures.

I am a RN, I have my own assisted living, love the resident, love, love, believe, believe, things will change, life will move on.
Smile!
ping

Yes..the guilt is there with me also everyday..I don't know what else to do but pray..

I deal with the same thing 100% but my mom is living with me. She has a caregiver now 3x a week but still guilts me if I don’t do something for her and is very envious that I can have a life. I have an 8 1/2 yr old and Husband, and she is extremely selfish.

Have you concidered she might have depression on top of dementia? If she is that negative to the point you can't tolerate it, then there is a problem.
Depression is often underdiagnosed or ignored.
I'd talk to doc about it. Don't let him poo, poo you it's nothing if it's not nothing.
Is she just negative to you, or all the staff, all the time?
As far as dressing, showering etc. There are staff that help with those things. They can help remind her its shower time. Then pick out her night clothes and lay out the morning clothes. Call them. The staff is there for that. It is their job.

Perhaps the loved one has a different take on the facility because they know it is not their familiar house.
A part of them knows they need more help, and life as they knew it has changed. Not many like change. Especially after living at home for decades.
I know my mom was always scared to death of nursing homes. I think she equates that with the big horrible mental institutions of the past. She always insisted she would rather die than go to one. But she put her grandmother in one, and saw she was taken care of just fine.
I also think she knew NH was the end of the line. That in and of itself is very scary. 
Perhaps when the negativity starts, you gently remind the person that the visit will cease. And mean it. I think that might help. You don't have to be abused mentally. And then feel guilty for not wanting to be abused.
I'd give them fair warning to change the subject. Talk about something else. If not have a nice day. Get up and go. Especially if they are not mentally abusing the staff. I'
 Give it a try. 




Good luck.

I am in almost, your exact shoes! I have not yet been able to convince mom to go to a home. Your emotions are normal and I must agree that you need to stop feeling so guilty (easier said than done, I know). It seems no matter what we are feeling our moms will be feeling much worse. My mom says she knows what I go thru, however she moved 2000 miles away from her mom at the age of 22. However, she forgets that. Nothing makes her happy and looking back I don't ever remember her being truly happy, ever. I guess the negativity is new for your mom but not mine. Try to remember the good times and believe that even tho she doesn't act like it, she does appreciate what you do. When the end comes you will know that you did everything that you could for her. It is ok to pull back and take a break. Your family shouldn't suffer and unfortunately they do. Hang in there, my thoughts and prayers are with you and your mom.

I forgot to mention that mom suffers from dementia as well. She takes meds for depression and still is always negative. She doesn't bathe like she should, eat like she should or take care of herself. I think it is just to make me feel bad but I have to realize that it is just the disease. I pray never to become like her but fear I am. I think what we are going thru is normal and it is the disease's effects on us.

I have the same with my mom...the " oh, you're always right, and I don't know anything". Your last couple sentences is how I feel several times a week! She is so nasty to me, and turns everything I say into something she needs to defend. Doesn't act like that with my husband, just me. I would never recommend letting your Mom move in like I did! Guess I'm looking for the same answers as you are.