Update on mom in assisted living. I had a hard time convincing my mom to go to assisted living. She was diagnosed with dementia 2 years ago and she couldn't stay alone anymore. I work, have a family she kept wanting them to leave. In March, she went to assisted living. I go twice a week and at first called her every night. I now only call three times a week because she is so negative I cannot take it anymore. When I go to do her hair, she constantly complains. She complains how I do her hair, about the place, about the people, about everything. She keeps asking me "could you live here?" Actually yes. It is brand new, wonderful people and great food. I worn out with the negativity. I have explained to her about her complaints, but she says I am "fussing" at her. Not true, just need some peace. Is it normal for a dementia patient be so negative? I do not want to go visit or call her. It would be so easy to just stop. I am an only child and feel obligated to help her. I feel so much better knowing she is safe and well cared for. She will not bathe or change her pajamas. She doesn't want to get her clothes on. She just wants to complain. She tells me she doesn't eat there, but they tell me different. Her memory isn;t so much the issue, it is her personality change, her inability to care for herself, and her reasoning skills are gone. Oh my, you cannot reason with her at all. When she truly believes something..well, she will say.."well, you are always right and want to argue with me." I want to walk away and enjoy my life without her in it, but I feel guilty for even thinking such a thing. Is all this normal?
The counselors had a saying for such situations. it went like this…
”If you try to make sense of insanity, it will drive YOU crazy!” No matter what, she’s your mom, you want to do the best you can by her! Most mothers want the best for their kids. It’s okay to assume that is what your mom wants, but can’t do anymore. So, you have to take care of you now, and that is very hard to do right now! Just do the best you can and try not to be too hard on yourself or her! Both of you are in a very difficult and new situation. Be gentle with yourself and your mother. You are both doing the best you can under your new circumstances!
I can't stop her from watching "Anger-tainment" fear-driven news all day but I have learned how to blithely redirect our conversations away from mental and emotional and pointless junk. Or, I just pretend my phone is buzzing and excuse myself to "take this phone call".
I just wanted to put a plug in for prescription meds to deal with demented elders' anxiety, agitation and depression. It doesn't work for everyone, or all the time, but it's worth pursuing with their primary care physician so we caregivers don't get ground down to a pulp. Also, our LOs with dementia are losing or have lost the areas of their brain that can bring their minds to a place of peace, contentedness and acceptance. They can't help it and the meds are merciful for them...and us.
The problem sometimes is getting an elder to take a med for these issues . My mother refused , said “ those are for crazy people , I’m not crazy “. Some ask what every pill is for and in my 2 LO’s experiences , both facilities would not lie to them .
Or like my in laws , “ there is nothing wrong with me , my brain is fine “. It is interesting that they both said the same thing considering they are divorced 35 years and did not communicate with each other . FIL passed Jan 2024.
We just saw MIL this weekend ( lives 4-5 hours away) . Spent all day with her . I’m convinced that my suspicions have been correct that she has dementia as well . Definitely saw the progression from months ago . We did not bring up dementia or her brain at all . We talked to her about driving since she recently had a fender bender . We brought up her reflexes since she is very physically frail as well . She argued the accident wasn’t her fault . She made a right turn at a stop sign. She did not have right of way obviously . Her excuses of why it was not her fault were not rational .
Then she kept repeating that there is nothing wrong with her brain , and that if she thought she could not drive , she wouldn’t . We never brought up her brain , she did . There were other examples , in various conversations , which convinced me she has dementia as well , her reasoning is off . She like my FIL will never agree to cognitive testing . ( FIL was finally tested later , but refused to go to neurology for follow up , and his primary was not willing to list it as a diagnosis . She wanted neurology to do that ). MIL’s memory still appears good .( I did notice some comfabulation) . But I highly doubt a doctor will pick up on anything during a 15 minute visit . She can showtime well , seem normal .
My Mom just stopped walking in 2018 and is stuck in a wheelchair...just like I told her she'd be if she quit walking....now I'm very limited as what I can do with her anymore. I used to take her out to eat, to go get her nails done, etc but now all I can do is take her for fast food or a ride in my car cuz I can't get her out cuz she can't walk. I don't feel sorry for her because I warned her. I told her she gave up on herself and she did and it's not my fault....and it's not your fault either. They lived their lives...it's time for us to live ours.