I live with my uncle (mother’s side) and aunt (through marriage). I am currently living with them (rent free) with my child (recently turned 5), but I help cook and buy groceries. I moved from out of state and my aunt suggested I stay with them and take care of her mother who has Alzheimer’s. In the beginning, I would cook and clean (full of energy) but now I feel burnt out. They don’t seem to appreciate my help and I feel like I’m being taken advantage of. Here’s why:
Recently, I started asking for days off (one day out of months of consistent working) so I can take care of personal business (daughters doctors appointments mostly and I recently had an important court date).
I told my aunt two weeks prior the date and time of the court meeting (through text) and she told me that she doesn’t know if she can find someone to look after her mother and that she can not take days off from work so, I might have to take her mother with me.
I tried to change the court date a week before because my aunt had that prior week off but I couldn’t, the lady at court was booked. I informed my aunt and she told me that it was ok, she found someone. The day of court I get up early and get her mother ready for the day, my aunt leaves out for work as I wait for the girl to come. I texted my aunt around the time the girl is suppose to be at the house and my aunt tells me she is not coming because I told her I canceled my meeting and she didn’t even know the date and that I need to communicate better. She then said I can’t leave because I will go to jail. She tells me that I have to take her mother with me, then proceeds to text me 5 mins after getting off the phone saying that she got in contact with the girl and she’s on her way. I was late to my court meeting.
I feel like I’m being taken advantage of because if I have personal things to do in regards to my child (in which I just started asking for a day off here and there, definitely not every month) it should not be my responsibility to take my aunt's mother with me outside. I don’t have a car so when I go out I Uber everywhere and she is in that stage of Alzheimer’s where she poops on herself randomly nor can she walk. I can’t deal with the burden of her and tend to my child at the same time outside.
I also did mention the court date to my uncle and he told me he couldn’t take off of work.
Another thing to consider, I work from 8/8:30am to sometimes 7/7:30pm.
I have no personal time to myself. My daughter is also home with me until she starts school, that is why she has doctors appointments we needed to get her shots up to date. If that is not complete, she will start school late. I feel like no one is trying to help me, yet they said they would. Now it’s just about their needs and wants.
It is unfortunate that you got yourself into this situation and have no income and are basically trapped right now because of it.
Aunt needs to start paying you to care for mom starting asap. No one should be expected to do basically 24/7 care for free. Plus you get minimum 2 days off a week and aunt will gave to hire someone to care for mom those 2 days.
Where do you get money to buy groceries if you don't work?
Start now making plans to get the hell out if this hellish living arrangement.
Yes, IMO you are being taken advantage of, but you hold the key to unlock the door in the palm of your hand, use it.
No matter, it is not a good idea to be the way-too-convenient live-in UNPAID servant. There is no other real solution except to move out so that this dynamic is stopped cold. Your Aunt won't like it, so do not even tell her you're looking to move until you have a secured place to go, then give her 2 weeks to find a replacement and don't change your mind no matter what. Her mother is only going to need more and more care, and if you stay it will come at the cost of your life and your daughter's.
Your Aunt is going to have to pay someone to care for her anyway -- she chooses not to pay you, but she will have to pay another aid or a facility. Even if she offers to pay you, you will never be off duty. And nothing will be paid into your own SS for your own old age care. Then YOUR daughter will be stuck, and so goes the ugly cycle.
You are not responsible for your Aunt's happiness. You are not her solution to her care problem. Move out and move on. It doesn't mean you don't love her or care about her, but it does mean you finally understand you and your daughter need to be kept as Priority #1.
it’s unreasonable that they think you can take the mother with you.. can they ? Probably not I’m sure..
Get a plan to get out…
To inform everyone, they do pay me.
I make $600 a week (outside of this I know they were paying my cousin $700 a week when she was looking after her; she slipped up and told me).
The week of my court date (July 4th-8th) they only paid me $360 because Friday I had to go to court and didn’t work a full day. I was paying out of pocket from the money they were paying me for groceries ($200 a week to feed everyone) until I applied for food stamps.
I'm currently trying to move to Brooklyn. In which I have genuine love and support from my father and stepmother. They are looking for an apartment for me and my daughter, I also updated my resume and have been looking for work out there.
My aunt and uncle have just turned 50.