Recently had to quit salaried, full-time job as health declines for parents-they moved in with us 2 yrs ago. They do not have much for funds. Mom’s memory & health continue to diminish and dad’s health is starting to decline a bit more as well.
I am completing PCA training, as a small way to get a bit of income back-mom would not accept other PCA’s at all. Obviously this will not be anywhere near what I have given up. Trying not to cause any further issue to OUR finances while caring for their needs. We have already put in quite a bit financially (built an addition on our home, etc.) They are fully dependent on us making it financially right now.
-struggling with this
It is somewhat the same when we choose to take on the care of our parents. That I know of there is little help for us in what society feels is our choice. Here we are expected to save for our elder years (right. I know). And if we have nothing the government will help us (yeah. I know). But no, when you make the choice here, that is on you as far as I know.
I think you have bigger problems here. You are saying "Mom will not accept". Would you allow your two year old to make decisions of how things are going to be? I am assuming here that Mom has some impairment of thinking? Because our two year olds "train us" if we let them. And the elderly can often do the same thing. In any relationship the "expectations" are set early on, and the social contract is made. Even in a marriage. Such as "I am the decision maker" or "I am the caregiver and you take". Many contracts. Think carefully now as you go about the contracts you are drawing up and how they will work for you.
This is a challenge in so many ways. I don’t know anyone personally who has been in a situation of caring for (and dealing with) both parents. My mom has Alzheimer’s, diabetes and heart failure. Dad is pretty healthy over all, but has a hip issue and I have seen decline in the 2 yrs they have been here.
So much of the decision making includes both parents and myself. (Even though mom can’t remember.) The care giving-she can be very hard live with. (I hate putting extra on my dad as he is with her 24/7 and I do all I can with meds, Appointments, blood sugar checks, bills, legal, several meals a week, etc.)
I do have siblings who are involved where/when they can be. One is coming here so we can go on vacation. (That has been very hard-having to work around everyone else just to get away!) Just when you think you thought through so many things, you realize you didn’t really think well through THAT!
This is honoring to my parents and it is what is right to do. Just wish I knew a bit more about other aspects involved.
Thanks again for reaching out.
As for struggling with this arrangement...you have a huge heart to attempt what you are about to do. But please read the many posts on this forum about caregiver burnout. One parent will be challenging enough, but both? Is everyone in your immediate family on board with this fully? Have you thought about the financial end in a realistic way (worst-case scenarios)? Are you good at putting up boundaries so that you get breaks every week from the caregiving? Do you have any other extended family that can participate with hands-on or financially? Do you have a plan for who will care for them when you go on vacation for a week and they are resistant to others caring for them?
My in-laws had to go onto Medicaid. I got my MIL into a really nice facility where she got the same quality care as private pay residents. She eventually adjusted (because it is a big change for anyone) and she enjoys the social interaction and the nurses are on top of her medical needs. I also have very senior aunties in FL who have an in-home service come in 5-days a week for 4 hrs a day and they love their companion.
I'm not saying to not do the care yourself, but you will absolutely need to have boundaries baked into your plan from the start as your parents will only get more infermed, require more attention and more resistant to change as time marches on. Also if you already are worried about the financial consequences, you will need to make a very sober decision, as this will put an enormous strain on your marriage and other aspects of your life. Wishing you much wisdom!
My immediate family is on board-although there are (& will be) aspects that we don’t like.
Both parents can & is a big challenge many times. Not feeling like you are caring for the one in the way they need, causing issue for one by trying to do what’s best for the other, arguments with one because of the other, etc.
we do have family helping out so we can take a much needed vacation.
As far as facilities-my fear would be that my mom would get booted out! Seriously! She can be a huge handful!! You know, she just “has a little problem with remembering things once in a while!!”🤦♀️
I do think my mom could eventually enjoy the social aspect but she relies so heavily on my dad as her memory, her history, everything!
I appreciate your thoughtful response!
If your mother won't accept other PCAs, are you going to be the only solution for caregiving? What happens if they need more help than you can provide?
You built an addition to your home with your funds and now you've quit your fulltime job? That is sacrificing a LOT for your parents.
When/if the time comes, is care in a facility (assuming Medicaid eligibility), on the table for discussion?
No, not an only child. I do have help from siblings where and when they are able. Family dynamics play a huge part in all of these things, as I assume everyone who deals with care knows.
With dad in the picture, I can’t put him through any more than he is already trying to deal with by living with mom. He loves her and wants to help but it gets really hard at times.
We did have help for about half the cost of the building project.
We may have to make that hard decision to put her in a home. I’ve tried to prepare my dad for that possibility as things get worse.