Is this elder abuse?

Question

Is this elder abuse?

Follow

Share

My mother in law is on hospice, dying of pulmonary fibrosis. Her caregiver is her live in boyfriend, they own a home together but never married. He does not have a LPOA but has taken it upon himself to make medical decisions for her. He has told me that he refuses to give her morphine to control her shortness of breath because it is going to kill here. He thinks hospice speeds up the dying process. She has been having a lot of rough nights because that is when her breathing gets really bad. He will not give her anything in the comfort care pack hospice brought, he will not give her a breathing treatment with the nebulizer either. He told me the other day that he had told other family members he threw the meds away but that he really has them stored away in another room. I don’t know if any of that is true, last I saw the meds were in her fridge but that was over a week ago. I have suggested doing certain things and buying certain equipment to help make her more comfortable and life easier but he says no to everything. He has said they don’t need hospice. she is bedridden now and when the home health aid came this week it was discovered that she is covered in bed sores. I don’t think he is asking her anything or explaining anything to her. She is awake and mostly alert I really don’t know if hospice explained the comfort care pack to her and when to use it. He did say that he gave her a small drop of morphine and it “made her head explode”. He firmly believes that the morphine is there for no reason other than to kill her. It seems to me she is suffering because he will not treat her symptoms. She is on 16liters oxygen. Does this sound like elder abuse and should I report him? I am sorry if this posts twice, I tried posting this a minute ago and I don’t think it worked.

Elder Abuse End of Life Hospice

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

15 Answers

Most
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First

Where are you located in relation to your mom? What does your husband think of all this— she’s his mom isn’t she?
What you’re describing is elder abuse. The hospice people need to know what’s going on.
That may mean that you bring her away from the BF to a Skilled Nursing facility/hospice near you in order to let her die peacefully.
We don’t even treat dogs the way he is treating her.😫

Helpful Answer (6)

Report

Worried in Call this is definitely elder abuse and the hospice nurse should have been monitoring her skin condition. Was this the first visit from the bath aide. When she was admitted to hospice a full physical exam should have been performed.

Call Hospice immediately and raise hell with the nursing supervisor.

If they don't rush out immediately and remove her from this situation call Elder abuse. Failing all that call 911 and get her to the nearest ER. Unless Mom has given BF PoA he has no rights in this matter so get over there and take charge. If he refuses to let you in immediately call the police.
This is an extremely serious matter and Mom will be in great pain from the bed sores and distress from shortness of breath. Get your shoes on and do it NOW
it could well be that Mom is allergic to morphine, some people are but there are other drugs that can be tried.

Helpful Answer (4)

Report

We are in the same city. I have told my husband most of the things his Mothers boyfriend has said to me. He hasn’t really said anything other than that I should have told him when we were at his moms house so he could address it. I take full responsibility for some of this, a few times things were said to me at her home when my husband was there but in another room and I was afraid to tell him until we got home. Other things were said when he was not there and I waited until his work week ended because he works a highly stressful job and I did not want him to be upset at work, unable to do anything about his non. I understand that her boyfriend may not be comfortable administering morphine and it is his right not to do so BUT that is not what’s happening here. He has made it clear that HE decided she will not take the morphine. He is not offering it to her At all, he is basically hiding it. He flat out refuses to use the nebulizer as well. My Mother in law CAN’T take care of herself either. I am just the daughter in law and it appears he is telling me one thing and other family members something else! All I know is that he has decided that my MIL will not be given morphine or anxiety meds. I had asked if the difficult breathing at night was due to anxiety because of the way he described it-heart palpitations, shortness of breath, it sounded like symptoms I have had when suffering from anxiety and I started to mention the comfort care pack and he looked at me, shook his finger and said NO. He will not give her any meds from hospice. My husband has the LPOA but it basically says he will carry out her medical wishes when she cannot. She does not want to prolong life or be kept alive by machines. Her boyfriend said he is trying to keep her alive as long as possible. She is now up to 16liters oxygen so if she continues to decline at this rate, I think she went from 10 to 16 within A week. So she will have to be hospitalized when 20 liters is no longer enough. She wants comfort care but he is intend on keeping her alive as long as possible. This is includes feeding her, she hasn’t had a swallow test but she at the point where she has no appetite and she cannot really eat solid foods, she tries because that’s what he and other family members give her but it causes a lot of discomfort and she has choked too. He thinks eating will keep her alive, he does not understand that it does more harm than good. He is not willing to talk with hospice or take their advice. His mind is made up, because he used to deliver medication to hospice patients and it’s his believe that the meds are given to kill the patient! It seems to me he is allowing her to suffer. He is a real smoother talker and I am concerned he is telling her other 2 children a different story and I have no proof of what he has said to me. It’s his word against mine. Thank you for your input! I agree with you. We treat dogs better than this!!

Helpful Answer (3)

Report

Veronica91 the bedsores were discovered on Easter Sunday when the home health aide came to bathe her. According to her boyfriend she is “covered in them” and he blames it on her weight loss but I know it’s because he has sat her on the couch day after day and not moved her! And he obviously wasn’t bathing her. She is now bedridden as of easter. The aid gave him medicated cream to apply on her skin and will be coming 3x a week to clean her from now on. She says she is not in any pain and we were surprised to hear about the bed sores. Actually her boyfriend is the one who tells me she is not in any pain. She hasn’t said it but she also doesn’t appear to be in pain. We will be going over there tonight or tomorrow. I will start making calls ASAP. I had a feeling this was elder abuse but this is a first time experience for me, I have never had a family member in this situation. But it just didn’t sound right, my first thought was that in his attempt to keep her alive, he is allowing her to suffer! He isn’t thinking about the fact she’s suffering. I should add, his first wife was terminally ill and died under his care after he stopped medicating her. He says it was her choice and she told him she didn’t want to take it anymore. He says her family had him investigated when she died and that the death certificate says suicide was her cause of death! I think I will be calling the police as well.

Helpful Answer (3)

Report

Difficulty breathing especially at night is due to her lung condition. She should try and sleep in a sitting position as in a recliner.
Your hubby may have a stressful job but this is his mother and she choose him to be her DPOA not her boyfriend. She has vocalized that she is tired of this life so nothing should be done to prolong it. Does she have a DNR ( Do not resuscitate order) if not make hubby get one ASAP because if she collapses BF will call 911 and they will do everything to save her.
The only rights BF has as I see it is his rights to his share of the house.
Do you actually believe everything he is telling you? Putting suicide on a death certificate sounds very fishy, many people stop taking treatment when they have had enough but it is not considered suicide unless they take a deliberate action like an overdose , shooting themselves or deliberately driving into a tree that kind of thing. Just deciding to stop chemo or dialysis is not suicide.
But that is water under the bridge and none of your business but MIL is your family business so push hubby and his siblings to get MIL out of this man's care
One last thought is there money involed here? That is hers that will dry up once she dies. You are doing the right things. Let us know what happens.

Helpful Answer (3)

Report

After reading both your posts and the comments, I agree with CeeCee and especially with Veronica. But I think I would call the police now, even before you go over if you still feel it necessary to even do that. Or let the police know you're going over and ask that they refrain from any indication that you've called them. I have a feeling this man could be violent.

I would question only one thing though, and that's that you have no proof of what he's told you. I assume though that you've seen her, and seen the bedsores? And if I understand correctly, the Hospice staff confirmed this, or advised you? (I have trouble following long paragraphs w/o breaks, so I keep losing my place!).

My concern is that when (not "if") you call the police, that they see the abuse. It sounds like he is in fact a smooth talker, and I would be concerned about calling the police w/o evidence.

If you've seen enough evidence, then I would call the police now and get the ball rolling. But I'd also contact hospice and advise them that the police have been contacted, and that they should have reported the bedsore situation as neglect and/or abuse. I think they haven't performed their duties as well as they should have, i.e., they screwed up.

I'm a bit concerned that the police might turn to you and ask why this situation hasn't been reported before, so be prepared to address that.

With someone who needs 16 L of oxygen, I honestly don't know how she's managed to survive thus far. And given that need as well as his arrogant assumption of his apparently superior (in his mind) knowledge, I expect he wouldn't take her to the hospital when that need increases. This poor woman needs intervention now to ease her remaining days, especially with all the bedsores.

She needs to be out of there ASAP.

Given that this is the second time he's meddled in someone's life, and that his first wife's death certificate shows suicide, and that he's been investigated before, I think I would consider him a black widow live-in BF.

This man's unauthorized takeover of her, w/o any legal authority, his lack of proper care, his former wife's abuse - these actions make me wonder if in fact he's a serial killer. Perhaps I'm being overly dramatic, but something is obviously wrong with someone who behaves in the manner he's demonstrated.

And at this point I would suppress any concern about your husband's stress in learning about the situation in the middle of the week. He needs to know, and ASAP. But don't blame yourself for not raising the issue; you've done so now.

I think you might raise the issue with the police though of asking about the status of her financial accounts. It wouldn't surprise me if he's forged documents to take over what funds she has.

Please let us know what happens after the police remove her, AND advise the hospital to prevent him from seeing her. He absolutely needs to be denied any further access, and the locks needs to be changed ASAP. He can always remove his belongings with presence of the police and/or sheriff.

Helpful Answer (3)

Report

Hi all, thanks again for the responses & support! I do have an update. My husband talked to his mother and she does not want the morphine (yet). She is ok, she has no complaints and her spirit is good. Her coughing has pretty much stopped and she is sleeping better at night, and I believe it is because her digestive system has shut down or is in the process of shutting down. She lost her appetite 3 weeks ago but would eat small amounts. As of this week she is no longer eating solid food, she is drinking water, a little broth and ensure but not much. She drinks at most 8oz fluid a day. Her last bowel movement was 3+ days ago and her urine is dark so it appears Her digestive system is shutting down if it hasn’t already and that is why her cough has subsided. The big development is that her partner admitted he failed, he can not properly care for her so he has turned things over to the hospice workers. He also admitted that in the beginning he did not want hospice there. Which I knew because he told me in multiple ways that he believed they were there to kill her. He claims he understands now and that he was wrong about that. There has been a huge change this week and the hospice workers will be coming often to clean MIL and tend to her and whatever else is needed. I think when the home health aid found the bedsores, he knew it screamed neglect and that it would be reported by the aid, because this isn’t his first rodeo. I still do not trust him one bit but my husband was present during the conversation yesterday so he is well aware of the change in his moms boyfriends attitude and how MIL is being cared for. I have not made any phone calls yet. We will be at MILs this weekend and as long as we can see that she is being properly cared for, we won’t do anything as far as her boyfriend is concerned, but if anything else happens or he makes any other disturbing comments, I will be calling APS immediately.

Helpful Answer (3)

Report

The only account he has access to is the joint checking account and there is concern over that but it’s secondary to the elder abuse. The other accounts are in her name only and we know for sure they are still in her name and he does not have access. He cannot take over he accounts without her going into the bank with him and she is physically unable to do so! I don’t think he would even try because she has left everything to her children. I don’t want to say too much because I worry family will somehow find this but he knows better than to try anything because of a certain family members job.

I never considered that he might be hoarding the morphine, like I said I had seen the comfort care pack in the fridge 1-2 weeks ago and then the other day he said he told my BIL and SIL he threw it away. Based on everything he has said to me, he has me convinced he is trying to prolong her life. If he wanted her dead, he could have administered a fatal dose of morphine and no one would ever know.

I have not seen the bed sores, apparently they are on her tailbone. My husband was present when he told me this information. I believe it is illegal to record someone without their permission in CA but I have decided to keep a tape recorder on myself every time I am in his presence so I can record what he says. Because it is his word against mine and you are absolutely right, he is a smooth talker. It is my understanding that she wasn’t really receiving actual care from hospice until very recently. So I can’t say for sure that they dropped the ball. I think he has probably declined most of their help but now that MIL is bedridden, their help is necessary and that’s why the home health aid is coming 3 times a week.

With his former wife, he told me he pushed everyone away when she was dying-her family, his family even their 2 children. I expected him to try to do the same with MIL when we got the news she had PF and months left to live but he knows better, he knows her kids would not tolerate it, that he would never get away with it. He did tell me that When MIL passes it will be just him and her in the room, he doesn’t want spectators. But that’s ultimately not his decision although he can certainly arrange it by not telling us if and when she takes a turn for the worse.

I will you all updated! I am going to call the hospice social worker. I took down her name the other day, as well as the name of the case manager. I know they won’t give me any information so I plan to just call and state my concerns and ask how they can address it or what we need to do. Will also contact a friend at the police department to see if they will get involved or if we need to go through hospice and APS first. I suspect we would need a restraining order to get him out of the house. They co-own it, it’s paid but it’s been signed over to the living trust and he has survivors rights he can stay there until he dies and then it goes to his kids and MILs kids.

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

Thanks for the update. It's heartwarming to learn that so much progress has been made!

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

Worried, thanks so much for news of the developments. We learn from each other here.

Is this elder abuse?

15 Answers

Recent Questions

Popular Questions

Related Questions