Everything that is supposed to be joyful about this season, to my grandmother, is nothing but a worry. Last year, the instant I decorated the house with lights and put the tree up, the house was suddenly going to burst into a massive fire and that’s all she could talk about. This year, just last night, the instant I put the tree up, she started in on how I should unplug the tree because the house was going to burst into flames. My Christmas is already ruined. I’m done with this situation. I have no social life. No friends, no break, no help. I’ve been at this for four years straight. Every single day. I’m burnt out. I have a doctor’s appointment next week, I asked my aunt if she could watch my grandmother for two hours, oh no, it’s impossible, she has an appointment at the hair salon. So, once again, I must wheel my stinking Grandmother into my doctor’s office while she says wildly inappropriate things to my doctor. Last time she called one of the nurses a “neegroid”. I was horrified and so embarrassed. I cried the entire trip home. “Honey, don’t cry, they know what they are.” I’m at my wits end. I can’t even have a good Christmas.
Do you feel ready to discuss being at your 'wits end' with your Doctor? Are you ready to ask for suggestions? To consider these suggestions? To accept help? Again, it can be hard - but IS possible.
Keeping your world just you & Grandma is one way to live. There are other ways.
And you should be getting paid to be grandma's live in caregiver.
You can't take on your grandmother's guilt and behavior as your own. You can explain calmly to the staff that grandma isn't aware of what she is saying. The filter has been removed; so, anything is liable to come rolling out her mouth.
I hope that you get some respite from your grandmother. Contact the Department of Aging and see if they can point you in the direction of finding respite and eventually placement for your grandmother.
In the meantime, look into an anti anxiety med for her. She’s worrying excessively and stressing herself (and you!) out. My grandmother was the same way. A mild medication would have done wonders for her. She refused any med whatsoever, insisting they’d make her addicted and “crazy”. She suffered so much, worrying herself literally sick. It’s sad because it didn’t have to be that way.
You are afraid of your aunt, because you fear she will kick you out and you will be homeless. You have decided that you must accept the current situation because at least you have a roof over your head and food to eat.
But have you thought ahead to what will happen when your grandmother dies? She's 92, after all. Your aunt could kick you out of the house immediately. Where would you go?
You are over 40 and should be in your prime income-producing years. Instead you are stuck in a caregiver slave position.
I suspect you will not make a change until your grandmother dies.
Back in October you said you were going to push the issue of getting help from the VA, since your grandfather was a WW2 vet. Did you ever do that?
Here's a question -- suppose you did move out on your own. What do you think your aunt would do with your grandmother? Would she do the caregiving? Hire help from your grandmother's funds? Put her in a facility?
Maybe tell Aunt that you need to get a job. Your future earnings for SS is at stake here. The longer ur out of work, the harder its going to find a job. She will need to find caregivers for the time you are gone. Save your money and when u have enough to go out on your own, you then tell Aunt that you can no longer be Gma's caregiver and she will need to place her because ur leaving.
Something has to change soon as you cannot continue on in this stressful situation. Even if you have to move to a homeless shelter temporarily until you get a job(and there's tons of them out there)that would be better than what you're doing now.
It's only you that can determine when enough is enough. You've complained on here before, but now it's time for action, as again, only you can make the changes necessary. Until you do everything will stay the same.
I would give your aunt a 2 week notice that you're moving out and if she doesn't step up, you can call APS and report a vulnerable adult living by herself and they will step up and take things from there.
Please start looking out for yourself and what is best for you.
Merry Christmas!!!
P.S. I never answered your question. No my Christmas spirit is not gone. I LOVE Christmas!!! It's my favorite time of year! I love it so much that I have one of my spare bedrooms decorated year round for Christmas.
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the following is not a great joke, but it must be posted anyway…
“How do you help someone who has lost their Christmas spirit? Nurse them back to elf.”
🙂
Your Aunt has no motivation to help her Mother because you are there doing it all. If you can do caregiving for 4 years you can be brave enough to stand up to your Aunt.
you can still find joy in Christmas despite your Grandmothers anxiety.
Yes! RJ, you obviously have a lot of strength and fortitude, a lot to offer other potential employers as well as *yourself*.
I hope you will make the changes necessary to remove yourself from a situation that is no longer working out for you.
I am so sorry that you in this situation. This situation is about much more than Christmas.
I just read your profile. It says that you are living with your grandmother and that you have always been close with her and you love her.
I appreciate that you love your grandma but she is a different person now than she was before and caring for her requires a lot of time and effort. Don’t you think that the both of you would be better off not living together?
You aren’t satisfied with your living arrangement. Grandma needs around the clock care. It’s time to tell your aunt that you will be looking for another job and then move out. If money is an issue look for a roommate or search for a person who is renting out a room in their home.
This leaves your aunt with two options, she can find a replacement for you or she can place your grandma in a facility where she will receive around the clock care which is the better choice.
You can still visit her after you move away if you like. Accept that this arrangement has become too much for you to handle.
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and...a nice quote...
"I wish we could put some of our Christmas spirit in jars and open one up every month."
40s is still a young man. Getting a job will benefit you with income and bring people into your life for much needed social interaction. Given your sobriety success, AA meetings will offer resources to help you get fully back on your feet. A few hours away. People who that give support and some tough love. Please get out there and take care of yourself.
It likely has been for years.