It's been over a week since my mother-in-law last had a shower.

When you say 'deep in dementia,' that tells me that she is confused and may not understand what a shower is... what water is ... and what might harm her. In her confused state, she is doing what she can - resist. I would recommend a sponge bath and stop insisting - or even encouraging her.

Watch this website:

https://www.uclahealth.org/medical-services/geriatrics/dementia/caregiver-education/caregiver-training-videos/refusal-bathe

In part, it says________________________

-- Common response: Lauren attempts to get her mother to shower. Her mother resists and tells Lauren to leave her alone. Lauren pleads with her mother but gets nowhere. She leaves the room, frustrated.

-- Expert explanation:

REFUSAL TO BATHE is a common behavior in people with dementia, but why? Bathing can become scary as dementia progresses. Since bathing is a personal activity, the recommended approach is to be sensitive, tactful and respectful of the person's dignity and sense of modesty.

Recommended response:

Lauren tells her mother it is time for her spa treatment. She is able to get her mother near the bathroom and then tells her before each step what she is about to do. Lauren remains calm and kind and asks her mother to test the water temperature. She makes slow, thoughtful movements so as not to scare or startle her mother. She also asks her mother to participate, letting her do what she can to bathe herself.

* * *

Do you help her toilet-ing? cleaning her after eliminating? This is the time to take a warm cloth or a hygiene wipe to clean her.

While I somewhat (well, I do) detest AI, I found this:

Dementia patients often refuse to bathe due to fear, memory loss, pain, or loss of dignity. To manage this, respect their privacy by keeping them covered with a towel during sponge baths, use a calm approach, and maintain a consistent routine. Simplify the process by using a shower chair, offering choices (e.g., "morning or evening?"), and avoiding direct arguments. 

Key Strategies to Manage Bathing Refusal:

Adjust the Environment & Setup: Ensure safety and comfort by installing grab bars and using a shower chair or bench. Make the bathroom warm to prevent shivering and use a hand-held shower head for a less intense water flow.
Respect Dignity and Modesty: Allow the person to remain covered with a towel or robe, uncovering only the body part being washed.

Focus on Comfort & Routine: Match the timing to their lifelong habits (e.g., if they were a morning showerer). Use soap-free or moisturizing products to prevent skin irritation, which may cause pain.

Use Behavioral Techniques:

Reduce Choices: Avoid asking "Do you want to take a bath?" (answer is usually "No"). Instead, try "It's time to wash up".

Distraction: Use distractions like talking about a past event or giving them a washcloth to hold.

Alternative Hygiene: If a shower causes high distress, use sponge baths as an alternative, and consider dry shampoo.

Keep it Brief: Limit the time spent in the shower. 

If a person becomes highly distressed, stop the process and try again later, rather than forcing it, which can cause trauma. 

These are 'cookie cutter' AI responses. You need to work with the person where they are, offering a lot of compassion and patience.

P.S. She likely only needs a shower once a week or so.

Gena / Touch Matters

Before my dad passed, he was refusing to shower while in AL/MC. The assistant director would call me to say other residents were complaining. And the facility for some reason couldn't handle it. I spoke with him at length, asking why. He said he was 86 years old and didn't want to be told when to shower. I asked what time of day he would prefer, if he would like a different aide to assist, etc. No resolution. At that point he was physically capable of going into the shower, but he simply wouldn't.

I found with dementia that the stubborn streak became worse. My mom, who is also in AL/MC, wqs starting to refuse as well because she followed his lead.

I am afraid there is no easy resolution this as it seems many cases are different.

Research Teepa Snow and her recommendations for bathing resistant persons as well as most any other situation you need help with concerning a dementia patient. She also has free utube videos you can watch. She is an awesome educator on dementia.

Have you considered consulting with a occupational therapist to evaluate your mother in law for her IADL’s and giving her some cognitive insight and guidance for patient education and family training to assist with the process. The physician may also want to know about the change in the cognitive decline and who will be helping with her medical decision process and reviewing her medications to determine if they are affecting the process. You can also discuss options with a nurse or a home health specialist about there stages of dementia.

My mil did not have dementia but she would not shower. She did sponge baths at the sink, washed her privates while on the toilet, and thoroughly enjoyed the bed baths the nurse's aide gave her. She told me that the shower stung her skin. I didn't argue with her. If she had been able, she would have loved to soak in the tub, but both of us felt it was too risky. Perhaps your mil feels stung by the shower spray as well. The suggestion about the bathing cloths is a good idea. Even campers use them when they don't want to use a public shower.

My mom is 102 with moderate dementia. She does not shower or shampoo on her own and refuses help from her AL staff, her part-time private caregiver and the hospice CNAs. That's a lot of folks and they all strike out. They CANNOT force her, and it appears I'm the only one who can get her bathed on a regular basis which I do with subtle trickery every 7-10 days. (I'm not 100% successful either or she'd bathe more frequently). Amazingly, my mom is still quite mobile and can walk to the bathroom on her own. Here are my tips that may or may not work for you:
--Determine what time of day your mother in law feels the best. For example, my mom dislikes mornings and barely functions before lunchtime. Attempting to shower her before mid-afternoon is useless so I wait until later in the day.
--Do not use the word shower - just say "it's time to wash your hair." This gets my mom off her sofa and into her bathroom which is half the battle.
--She'll say "what do I do now?" - at that point, I tell her she can sit in her shower chair and I'll use the handheld sprayer to wash her hair. But first, I tell her to remove her pants and top since they'll get soaking wet. At this point, she still thinks she's only getting a shampoo.
--Once she's seated, I help her put on a modesty wrap over her bra and pull-up, then proceed to wash her hair and then - oops - shower her. It's too late for her to refuse and on some level, I think she enjoys getting clean.
--When done, I wrap her hair in a towel, dry the rest of her while she's still sitting, then close the shower curtain while she removes her undergarments. I hand her a wipe and give her complete privacy to clean her private parts.
--After that, I help her dress and voila, she's clean. I then style her hair, which she loves.
My mom was getting UTIs every single month whether she showered or not. And they were crippling and completely incapacitating. Her doctor put her on a low dose of DAILY antibiotics which reduced the frequency by 80%. She'll still get a UTI every few months, at which point they layer on a 3 day dose of a different antibiotic to stop the UTI in its tracks. It's a game changer! Her health and well being are so much better now.
Everyone with dementia is different so mix up your tactics - refusing to shower and/or change clothes is a hallmark symptom of dementia and one of the most frustrating things for caregivers. As for doing her laundry, don't ask her for permission, just take the dirty clothes when she's sleeping or otherwise engaged, and wash them. Sadly, you are the "parent" now.

Having lived 82 years I may put an idea into this daughter-in-laws thoughts......I take a good shower before every appointment. IF that occurs, I count it as my once a week shower. I will tell you though I have no interest in doing much of anything like a bath. It's like it's a blank and not that important.

The only person I would try to live with who called me a “ heathen “ would be my spouse . Hopefully he never gets dementia .

My mother never liked showers on her head . She had her hair washed and blow dried at the hair salon at her facility weekly . They also cut and colored it when she wanted . She had her fingernails trimmed and polished too . She liked to pick out the nail polish color .
Maybe your MIL would like that pampering at a facility . They could give her sponge baths if she won’t shower , and let the on site hair salon do her hair .

My wife has dementia and is very selfish (selfish is new with the disorder) as a result of this, I use it to my advantage and when our caregiver is here I tell her I am going to take a shower and my wife says she is going to take a shower. It was my idea, but I give up the shower for her.

Tell your husband this is no longer working and you draw the line at showering . Either an aide comes to try to get her in the shower or MIL goes to memory care ( which IMO is what should happen ).
If MIL still refuses to shower with an aide at home , then to memory care she goes . Hopefully , she has funds for that . Don’t use your money for memory care for MIL.

My mother’s doctor told me when an elder with dementia gets this uncooperative with family , it’s time for placement , My mother continued to refuse showers in a facility too long but at least I wasn’t down wind of her all day .

This is all very common with dementia. Hopefully you are not asking to wash her clothes but just gather them when she is not in the room and wash them. People with dementia don't process questions. The shower and hair wash is the hardest. Prep the bathroom. At least 80 degrees. No chances to fall. I wear a swimsuit and get in with them. It's not a fun time for either of us and we always get a special treat afterwards. No need to convince her that this feels so much better. Even if it does she won't remember it. If you are unable or unwilling to do this its time for in home help or memory care.

My wife often refuses to take a shower. It’s become normal for her to go five to seven days without one. I think there are a couple reasons. She truly thinks she “just had one.” Time is just a concept with dementia. She has a fear of falling as she’s become a bit unsteady. The sequence of taking a shower is confusing to her. She’s forgotten the “how” of showering. Sometimes the home aide can get her to shower, sometimes not. Sometimes I can get her to shower, sometimes not.

I try encouragement by telling her how good she’ll feel. I tell her I’ll wash and dry her hair for her. How quick it will be…how warm she’ll be…and anything else I can think of. Ultimately, she can’t be made to shower. She’s an adult, so if she refuses I just ask her again the next day.

Regarding the clothes, just wash them when she’s not looking. If she catches you, just say you’re sorry, that you forgot she didn’t want them washed. She’ll likely get over it in a few minutes anyway.

You do not state if she is living with you permanently or if this is a visit. If she is with you permanently, it may be time to consider a skilled nursing facility. As others mentioned, have someone wash her clothes when she is away from her bedroom. My Mom is 84, with early stage dementia. Some people didn't shower a lot when they were young. They refuse to shower at all when they are old. My Mom is similar. Refused help from the aide, her nephew or me. We figured out that she was afraid of falling. Thankfully, I had her house handicapped retrofitted when she had knee surgery in 2020. Consider getting a shower chair (shower stall) or slide shower chair (tub) so she can sit. You might also want to install grab bars in the shower. My mother eventually agreed to a seated shower. We still had to go in with her and clean her. I would put on a bathing suit and give a full sponge bath in the shower. After she got used to bathing, she allowed the aide to assist with her seated shower. Other options are to consider products that clean without a shower (usually used for the bedridden). Medline has showerless cleansers. She can sit in a shower chair in the stall, the aide can give a sponge bath. An aide cannot and will not make her shower. I hope these options are helpful.

If she was sponge bathing herself and allowing you to wash clothes that's one thing. Everyone eventually reaches a breaking point dealing with this.

Most aides have been trained in the Patient's Bill of Rights. The right to refuse care is one of them. They cannot make them shower.

It's time for placement.

Sorry but time to get her into care
she’s a danger and health risk to herself

Your husband is the person who has to lead his mother’s care. As others have pointed out, an aide is now needed which your mother in law pays for, and looking at options for memory care is prudent and your husband should at least educate himself regarding what is available. Wishing you all the best.

When dementia sets in, you don't ask, you just do what is needed.
Take her clothes and wash them, and put them away when she isn't looking.
She may have developed a fear of the shower, or of the water. It could be very uncomfortable for her, or she just doesn't remember and thinks she showered already.
It sounds like YOU can't do it, but consider hiring someone to come in and help her shower, OR they can provide a bed sponge bath. Your MIL may be more amenable to that.

There will be so many other things that you will need to simply do or provide for her, as she will not know how to do. If you ask, the answer will be "No". You just guide with suggestions, and tell her what you are doing. It does help to tell her every step what is going to happen next. And, try and keep a consistent daily routine. That will help her to be less anxious.

For now, you could get your mil a pack of disposable wash cloths that are usually found in any drug store. She may still be capable of wiping herself down with these which would allow her the privacy and dignity that is so very important for elders.

If your mil is not capable of doing this herself, maybe some gentle assistance would be needed. It's not a permanent solution, but with an aging relative sometimes you just have to try something that works for today.

It’s time to place your mother-in-law into a memory care facility.

As always, I recommend involving the doctor before getting heavy or making decisions. Sometimes, not always, a physician the patient knows can be very helpful. Family can be easily ignored. Dementia often brings on feelings of mistrust and being robbed of independence.
Have your husband make the appointment, then take his mother to the doctor while she has refused to bathe. Gently, in her presence, share with the doctor his concerns for his mother’s health in the way of bathing. There are many serious complications that can accompany non-bathing.
There are many possibilities for her unwillingness. Cold bathroom, being chilly after the shower is turned off and until warmth is returned with toweling and dressing. Also, feeling safe in the shower. As I ended my long-term care in rehab I took a photo of the shower and called a reputable man to recreate the same environment in my shower. The shower head I can easily hold or replace on the holder, shower seat, grab bars, towel within easy reach draped over the shower door or curtain rod while shut, a towel draped over my wheelchair to transfer on to. A warm bathroom with a small heater running.
Bless your hearts, all of you.

HOME CARE DOESN'T WORK

Get her into a NH that handles dementia.

Just as babies NEED a capable adult to feed them, change their diaper, drive them to the doctor, feed them, launder their clothes, change their sheets, house them, and LOVE them; the elderly need all of this from a capable adult too. This is just how life is for humans. People just seem to love puppies and kittens more than elderly pets. Same for people.

Here's what happens if she isn't kept clean:

Her skin can break down. She'll get rashes and/or infections in skin folds; built-up sweat and bacteria causes these. If she isn't clean, there's an increased possibility of urinary tract infections (UTIs), which can cause further mental and behavorial issues as well as death. All of the above can end her up in the hospital, which can expose her to various diseases. Furthermore, everyone in the household suffers from a miserable quality of life. The whole house starts to smell.

Show this to your husband and refuse to be the one who takes care of her. It's his mother. If she were placed in a memory care facility, they'd make sure she was kept clean.

It makes me wonder if my mom going long stretches without a shower is another sign she has dementia.

Before she became immobile, she bathed daily. After her ankle healed to where she could have showers again, she bathed twice a week. Then it became once a week, then once every week and a half, then every 2 weeks, then every 3 weeks before going back to 2 weeks for a time. Now its back to 3 weeks. Her shower last weekend was her first in nearly 4 weeks, as well as the 2nd time she's been up and around the house so far in 2026. Then again, the winter weather that came our way a couple of weeks back was likely the reason she put the last one off.

The wrong person is running your home. The person with dementia cannot make the decisions or refuse what’s necessary. You and your spouse need to do what’s best for her, minus relying on her opinions. You cannot take what she says personally, her mind is disappearing daily. If this is too much to handle in a home environment or by a family, there are options. She can move into memory care or you can hire in home help. She may also need medication to calm her agitation, it’s hard on her too.

It might be time for a care home. Dementia is a horrible disease that robs people of their logic and common sense.

Tell your Husband he needs to TELL his Mother to take a shower. He should handle his Mother, not you. Stop "asking" her because all they say is NO. Just take her dirty clothes and wash them, don't ask her if you can wash her clothes!

Husband needs to get her in the shower himself, or TELL HER she is going to take a shower and get clean, period. Get the shower supplies ready (towels, soap, washcloth, shampoo and fresh clothes), warm up the water and bathroom. Then get her and TELL HER "your shower is ready, go take it!" Even follow her to bathroom, show her water is warmed and have your husband nearby to TELL his Mom to take a shower.

Don't let your MIL NEAR your washing machine, either. She will end up breaking something or flooding the house. Or ruining other clothes.

If she is "deep in dementia" tell Husband to start looking for a Memory Care facility and get her placed. This is very unfair to have to babysit and deal with a stubborn senior that isn't even your own Mother.

Sadly your MIL has probably forgotten how to take a shower or no longer feels safe in doing so, so you're either going to have to hire a shower aide to come give her one, or you're going to have to take her by the hand and get her in yourself, making sure of course that there are grab bars, a slip proof mat, a shower chair for her to sit on and a hand held shower head to make things easier for her and you. And yes you may have to wash her yourself to make sure she's clean. And you don't ask if she wants to take a shower you just tell her that it's time to take a shower and lead her in.
And the same with the washing of her clothes, you just do it for her as she know longer knows how to do it anymore. And again, you don't ask, you just do it.
Her brain will not be getting any better, only worse, and if these things are getting to be too much for you than it may be time to have her placed in a memory care facility.

Your husband needs to take her dirty clothes from her and wash them, every week. He also needs to arrange for an aide to come and help her with showering/bathing. Is it time to place her in memory care?