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I think MIL is realizing that no one is going to visit her because she’s been a terrible person to everyone her whole life.


I still feel bad, though she doesn’t deserve my sympathy. Still must be a hard reality knowing no one thinks highly of you enough to even come visit.


When she makes comments to me, I tell her to take it up with her family. Blood family that is.


I was only family to her when it was convenient or she was using me to get what she wanted. I feel no obligation or guilt to visit her.


This is more of just a rant. I wanted your thoughts on if you’ve experienced a toxic person complaining no one comes to visit them.

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Sadly, the visits trickle off even when they were nice people.
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sparkielyle Sep 2022
I don’t have experience but believe this is true. Just looking at people who become very ill - initially people may bring food, or clean house - but it is rarely sustainable. People mean well but they have their own life issues to deal with. We all need to be prepared as likely it will happen to us. Blessed are those whose family is large and remain involved until the end!
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Happiness comes from WITHIN a person.

Some folk get plenty of visitors yet are still the grump "they never stay long" etc

Other share jokes with staff & stories with other residents & are happy in their day.

Looking at one's life is the Last Task: one can look back with regret or pride.
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bundleofjoy Aug 2022
“one can look back with regret or pride”

i like that. i try to live my life, as much as i can, in an honorable way.
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Such difficult and sad situations! I know from personal experience that it's not easy to forgive those who have treated me badly. YES it's tough to let go of our anger [ resentment and bitterness ] when we've 'been wronged' by others, especially family members. But I also believe that nobody is 100% terrible or toxic or unforgivable AND everyone deserves mercy. Life deals out different cards to all and most human beings struggle, doing the best they can.
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I would attempt to redirect her by saying that you don’t know and can’t do anything about it, but she can always make friends where she is.
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Sunflowergarden Aug 2022
I usually don’t day anything or I tell her people make their own decisions and they have to live with that decision after she passes.

Basically what I’m saying to her is, I have no guilt or regret. I sleep good at night
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My MIL is one more bad fall away from being put in a NH.

And I think there may be 10 people who would visit her, I'm not one.

She was miserable and nasty all her adult life and sent me packing several years ago.

As sad as I would feel that she has brought this on herself ( the loneliness and isolation) SHE BROUGHT IT ON HERSELF by being nasty and cutting to everyone but her daughter and her kids. No inlaws, no neighbors, nobody.

The other day my DH said "I am thinking we don't need a funeral when mom dies. It seems like such a waste of time. She hates everybody and has outlived all her family (sibs and such).

I said "Your call. I'm not 'allowed' to go anyway.

No dementia. Just a nasty person. When there is all this love surrounding her that she shoves away with both hands.
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I don’t think they realize they are to blame for their lack of visitors. My guess is they saw nothing wrong with their behavior even now. My grandmother drove people away with her nastiness but she insisted people did not visit because they don’t want you when you are old. Notice the excuse is something she couldn’t change.
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Life in a NH can be depressing. We have no children, so if I ever need to be in a NH, I’d end my life. I don’t want to just exist; I want to live. If I cannot live, why bother with NH.

Just my opinion …
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Tresha Sep 2022
My mom has Alzheimer's and is in independent living, only because I know the director and she watches out for her. The other independent ladies help to watch out for mom, when she is confused they gently tell her what she needs to know. Living in a NH doesn't have to be depressing. It is all in the attitude. Be a giver and visit with those others who have NO one to help or visit them. Attitude is everything!
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Maybe she was mistreated, but anyway, can't we all be forgiving and give her a visit?
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Everyone, toxic or not, needs someone to look out for their care in a nursing home setting. Everyone needs an advocate. If the person is so toxic that no one can stand their company then the visits can be done from a safe distance, go see her from a distance, talk to the staff who cares for her, get an update, see if she has any needs or concerns, basically show that she has someone who’s looking in and cares. It makes a real difference in care and simply a basic human need. No one is getting back or getting even by not doing this, and it’s not a matter of obligation or guilt. I have a sibling who’s very hard to deal with for more than a few minutes, he’s been difficult his whole life. I limit my exposure for certain and take in little of his negativity and rudeness. If he were to enter a nursing home, I’d do what I described above, it’s what anyone in care needs
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BurntCaregiver Sep 2022
That is correct. Everyone in a nursing home or any managed care facility does need someone on the outside to advocate for them. To make sure they're getting decent care and that the facility is not abusing their finances.
I did this for my father because I was his POA. I did not visit him very often in the nursing home. He didn't visit up very often when we were kids and really didn't pay much attention to any of us.
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What a person accumulates during their existence has a way to catch up. Those who neglected those around, acted mean spirited and promoted dissension can expect very little from others, including blood relatives. It’s nice to be important, but is more important to be nice.
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