She's with someone to spend time with her daily, shopping, etc all of her needs are taken care of, she either complains about sudden sickness, she falls, she thinks shes got Covid, but will not allow us to take her for a test. She does anything she can to disrupt our yearly vacation. She will call the house at 6:30 a.m. with psychotic episodes, makes up sicknesses, complains about anything and everything. She is normally very sharp at 93 years old. We live a few blocks away. She is very narcissistic and will never ask questions about any of us, but will talk for hours (if we allowed it) about every ache and pain, infection and personal things she should only be talking about with her doctors. I try to call every few days to check on her, but it’s is getting so bad, I don’t think I can take it. Anyone else experiencing this? When she was younger, we would take her on vacation with us, but she started always finding a way to make things miserable. I don’t get this.
1. Tell her you're calling 911 for her. She won't want that of course, to which your reply is: "Since you don't need an ambulance, you must be okay! Talk to you later, bye!"
2. "Wow, MIL. You've been having so many problems lately! Maybe it's time to move to assisted living? We can tour some places if you want." She'll probably go ballistic at that, but she will hopefully figure out she needs to stop the antics.
Don't answer her calls on vacation. Maybe the person checking in with her can give you updates instead. It may not be so bad for MIL though; she'll have a captive audience. And Narcs love that attention!
I also think my mom was even a bit jealous of any time that we wanted to ourselves because she wasn’t well enough to do anything like when she was younger and had her life with my dad. She missed my dad a lot.
Dealing with a narcissist is exhausting and difficult. I’m so sorry that you are struggling with this.
It’s hard. I hope that you can find what is best in your situation. You deserve time for yourself.
I am glad that you realize that she isn’t in control. I struggled with it a lot and was eaten up with guilt.
Oh, I was frustrated too. I also felt horribly watching my mom suffer. It’s complicated.
For many of us it involves many emotions. I ended up going to therapy to help me sort through it.
The cat's stressed out, and so is your MIL. ("Narcissistic" is so overused.)
Do you have a bit of a run- through with MIL and the person who'll be helping her so she's more comfortable and familiar with how things will be while you're gone? If not, try that. Even if the same person has helped before, this is a new time, so do a practice run again.
I write down every little thing about the cat for the high schooler who watches her, so the kid is familiar with her routines as well. It helps the cat realize the whole world hasn't upended, and we'll probably come back after all.
The less disruption to cats and mothers-in-law, the better, so try the practice runs.
When it comes to our kid visiting grandparents.... you take our kid to see your mom,,,,, I will take our kid to see my mom.
You have your spouse deal with MOM......You stay out of the situation....
Mom honestly wants attention from her son.... Not the daughter in law
MOM WANTS ATTENTION FROM BIOLOGICAL CHILD... period
Since this happens every year and you have your ducks in a row, I wouldn't tell her till the last minute. "Hi Mom, just want to tell u we will be away for a few days. Will call when we get there so you know we got there safe. Hugs and Kisses". Just like you would do for a child you were leaving off to Daycare for the first time. Or leaving with a new babysitter you leave.
But then my DH has never learned this. I'd be pulling him out the door when we had to leave one of our girls on the first day of something. The first day Mom went to Daycare we took her. I made sure that she got to the activity room and someone took over. Said goodbye and a kiss on the cheek and walked out to leave. It was my DH that stood there watching and making sure she was OK. Had to tell him she would be alright and we needed to leave.
Do not cut the trip short if she is in the ER....unless it is life or death. There are plenty of times the elderly go to the ER for non-emergency things. My father would go on a nearly weekly basis. The first 100 times I would run down there and waste countless hours. Then I realized this was all for attention and just stopped. He needs a ride home? Have the hospital call him a cab. I was done with the fake ER trips.
The biggest step is that you recognize this for what it is.
Let your MIL know you will be going on vacation from X time to X time and that you will instruct her personal care giver to take her straight to the ER or to call 911 if and when she has issues that the CG cannot handle by herself. When women like this are made to understand that:
A: You ARE going on vacation no matter WHAT, and,
B: That they WILL be taken to the ER or have 911 called by their care giver if they start acting up ENOUGH.....
Then they will start 'feeling better' enough that there will be no need to call 911 or take a trip to the ER.
In other words, you're telling her The Gig Is Up; we're onto you now and we're going away ANYWAY. Sorry but we need our annual break for our own peace of mind and mental well being and we're entitled to it, whether you agree with that decision or not. We love you but we love ourselves as well.
If she truly DOES get sick, then she'll be cared for properly at the hospital because that's the instructions you've left for her care givers. So, either way, she will be in good hands when you are gone.
Wishing you the best of luck setting down boundaries and sticking to them!
Which means NEVER, tell her about your plans; of course make arrangements for her care and vacate silently.
Manipulative parents are known for breaking up their adult-children's marriages, by violating boundaries, pretending boundaries are unreasonable, etc.
The solution sits in the enforcement of boundaries, and not providing her with information about your vacation plans. Perhaps someone else can call her "every few days," to get her habitualized to not depend upon you as a source of attention?
Based on your original post, she doesn't live with you and has someone to care for her:
"She's with someone to spend time with her daily, shopping, etc all of her needs are taken care of..."
Sooo, as long as you can get hubby on board to keep quiet about your plans, just go. Certainly let the aide/companion know, but, BUT stress to that person that MIL isn't to hear of it! Unless one or both of you calls and/or visits a lot, why would she even suspect you are gone? Companion can also make more effort to keep her "busy", so she doesn't think about you and hubby (give the person a little bonus gift card or something, from you, making it more for each day the "secret" is kept!!)
If hubby needs to talk with mom on a regular basis, most likely you have cell phones, call early in the day or after dinner, whenever is a quiet time for you. Plenty of excuses to use if she mentions wanting him to come over. Tired, car's acting up and/or getting repaired, etc.
Even if she really were seriously ill, what can you do? I wouldn't rush - maybe cut short the trip, but rely on what docs and companion tells you, not MIL. Too much rushing can lead to disasters for you and if it is for some made up drama, who loses?
Several years ago I sat him down and had a very serious conversation with him about it. My dad was wheelchair bound and not well and my mom was his primary caregiver. She was having heart surgery. And my grandmother (her mom) was scheduled for surgery 3 weeks after mom's surgery. So my husband and I were locked down with them. My brother-in- laws mother also had a real health crisis just as this was all about to begin..so we KNEW we'd get the inevitable emergency call from FIL. I sat him down and told him that we knew he was ramping up and he'd better be darn sure that it was an emergency because otherwise there wouldn't be anyone available to rush to his aid. No hospital vigel for a cold. Then I made a rookie mistake. I told him the date we expected my mother and grandmother would be able to be on their own.
The day, and I mean literally, that my grandmother was released from rehab and my mom was cleared to be on her own again with dad for short periods of time
....guess who headed to the ER. For a "cold" that no one could see any symptoms of. They kept him for observation and he kept throwing enough ailments at them that he was able to stay the 24.
That was back when he was able to stay on his own and actually take care of himself. As it stands now we have a big family event out of town next year and we are already trying to figure out a caregiver/respite care situation for that. But we do it with barely cautious optimism that we will be able to make the entire trip since SIL is his primary caregiver now.
Take your trip. Have caregivers you trust. Know the difference between a real emergency that would require your intervention and a manufactured attention grab. Plan and react accordingly. You need this time for your own mental and physical health.
This is what we do-we tell the staff at the AL we are leaving on vacation and all emergencies call BIL in Virginia. he will call one of our sons if there is need for help here in Texas. We also do not tell them we are leaving-that thwarts and pre-leaving drama. We just don’t answer the calls and we let BIL tell them that we are “out of pocket” and that if they need anything call him. If your husband usually drops by, he can say “I’ve got a few things going on this week so I won’t be able to make it by until next Tuesday, but I spoke with Susan and she’s going to come by and see you.”
We had similar problems with my mother, and found that it helped to give her as little advance notice about things like our vacations as possible. If we told her in advance, she'd just worry and fret until the date arrived.
She seemed to adjust quite quickly though to our being away and do fine with the caregiver.
Good luck, and enjoy your vacation!
Later in life, worrying became a hobby for her. I think part of it with my mom was boredom. I really do.
She was so active when she was younger and it was awful not being able to participate in life fully as a senior due to her Parkinson’s disease.
It sounds like you and your husband need some supportive therapy that can offer you guidance from their third person objective perspective. That's what I had to do. She's his mom. It's his battle that he needs to set boundaries with. My wife's therapist told her that she was glad that I was not there during one really bad scene at her mom's with the boys. She was glad for my absence because as she told my wife, you could not hide behind your husband's pants! It sounds like you all live far too close geographically as well as emotionally. Such emotional triangles hurt the emotional intimacy of a marriage and the immediate family. So, set some boundaries, find a good therapist, damm the torpedoes and go full speed ahead as one Navy Admiral from early American history ordered who went on to win that battle, and as my Vietnam vet friend loved to say "take no prisoners.!" BTW, in the day of the Admiral's orders, torpedoes were rather new and not well constructed. Thus, they did not always explode.
A long time ago my husband had a secretary that asked him for a phone number to get in touch with him in case of an emergency.
This was pre cell phone days. We didn’t have children yet. We had a romantic getaway planned.
I will never forget his response to his secretary which was, “I am going on vacation with my wife. She works hard. I work hard. We deserve this time away for ourselves. I cannot be contacted me for an emergency. Find someone else to help because I am going to enjoy my time with my wife.”
Also, people who know they are failing get scared when their support is not nearby. They are afraid and that’s why they make up reasons they shouldn’t be left alone. The truth is even more frightening.
Plus, if she’s been this way for a long time, it’s not likely she will change at age 93. I’d accept it. Listen and try to not take it personally.
At 93 she probably does have a lot of aches and pains. She’s lucky to still be mobile. With her being 93, I would not leave her unattended. Shocking she lives alone.