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My mother's caregiver, who I have relied on and trusted for over three years and counting (employed by an agency), really did dumb yesterday. She used my mother's credit card to make a relatively small purchase on her own personal amazon account. I discovered this immediately because of all of the alerts I have on my mother's credit card (this was a "card not present" transaction).
I followed up with Amazon, and they were able to confirm who the purchaser was. I very grudgingly offered the caregiver's name, hoping that it wasn't her. The customer service person said yes, it is this person. I was so deeply disappointed and felt very much betrayed and taken advantage of. As someone who I've put a lot of trust in, and have had tremendous faith in her judgement and reliability over the years--and what could well be years to come -- even though the amount was pretty trivial ($28 and change for goodness sakes), I'm struggling.
Amazon removed the credit card info from her account, and she won't be able to use the card for any further purchases. I also disputed the amount with the credit card company, so all of that is good to go.
The thing is, I don't want to get rid of her, and I feel really conflicted about that. She has been the best caregiver in the past 5 plus years -- all of the others have been flakey and unable to use good judgement (I live 3 plus hours away, work full time, and need someone who can take responsibility and initiative when necessary). This person was someone who would demonstrate good common sense, keep in good touch with me, run interference in any number of difficult situations. When my mother fell last March, she handled the paramedics, the ER, and the cleanup at the house. I was very appreciative and gave her a monetary "thank you" since I know her agency wouldn't pay her more than her hourly rate. Now that it's holiday season, I was (maybe still am???) ready to write her a check for her annual Christmas bonus, which I'm pretty certain other clients don't do.
Sigh...a few months ago, she was driving my mother through her retirement community, and she got a speeding ticket (I was notified since my mother's a resident). The community "police" are hypervigilent and my reaction was to think "hey, it happens" (she was going maybe 40 mph in a 35 zone), and I paid for the ticket so she wouldn't be out the $50. I just thought "don't let it happen again" and moved on.
I'm just so deeply disappointed, and wonder if I'm being a total chump. Searching online, I've found posts that use the terms "elder abuse" and I wonder if I should immediately terminate her, and then embark on the horrendous task of finding another replacement. The agency would of course send someone else, or more than one person if necessary, but the upheaval to my mother (and me, honestly) is just overwhelming to think about.
And I don't know if, or how, I should approach this with her! Amazon couldn't tell me if the caregiver would receive her order or not, but she will be able to see plain as day that the credit card info is permanently gone from her account, so she'll know what's up in that way. I wonder if maybe it would be beneficial to just let her twist in the wind--not say a thing to her, but she'll know she's on notice.
It was such a stupid thing to do. She knows I watch my mother's accounts like a hawk, or she should know. Would it be awful, or stupid of me, if I continued to keep her as my mother's caregiver? I know that it's the nature of the situation (my being long distance, my mother having dementia, caregivers earning a crappy wage for difficult work) that things may go missing, they might take advantage in small ways if they can get away with it, and I've made my peace with that. If she throws a few groceries for herself into the cart when she takes my mother shopping, I'm not going to sweat it. If a tchotchke or two or three disappear, so be it -- that's the way it goes, is my attitude.
But this...???

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Did you talk to the caregiver? Is there any chance Mum asked her to make a purchase on her behalf?

I would pick up the phone and tell her you got a fraudulent use of card alert and canceled the transaction. Let her know amazon has told you whose account the transaction was made under. Then ask for an explanation.

It may be time for Mum to lose the credit card.
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freqflyer Nov 2019
I was thinking the same thing.... that maybe your Mom asked the caregiver to order something. Or it was an honest mistake, thus in the rush to caregive [which isn't easy] the caregiver mistakenly used the wrong credit card. I remember using my boss' credit card to purchase something in an office supply store for myself, just by habit. I reimbursed the company.

Let's gather all the facts before blaming a caregiver that you have had for 3 years, and whom you and your Mother likes

Usually if a person is likely to "steal" something they would have started during the first year of their employment, not 3 years later.
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Confront her, ignoring this will not stop her from helping herself. Give her one warning, if it happens again let her go. Tell her exactly this and if necessary follow through.
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looloo Nov 2019
Thanks DollyMe,
part of me totally agrees with you, and part is just not there yet. But I do NOT want to give the impression that I’m a doormat, or oblivious.
Thank you for responding :)
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Maybe it was something your mother needed? I agree with Tothill, ask her. If it was something your mother needed/wanted caregiver should have called you to get your okay first.
I know how hard it is to find good caregivers and am aghast at what agencies take out of their pay. It’s hard to find a good caregiver who will work for $13 to $15 an hour. We went through 5 caregivers in a year until we found our gem.
Good luck
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looloo Nov 2019
Hi PatienceSD,
if it were something my mother needed, she could/would have just told me. Either I would have ordered it myself using my mother’s credit card, or they would go purchase it directly and use her credit card then. The fact that she ordered something on her own amazon account (not my mother’s, which has had no activity in years), to be delivered to her own home address, is 100% sketchy.
I appreciate your understanding how difficult it is to decide to let go a caregiver that, up to now, has been really really good.
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Maybe, it was done by mistake? Do you have auto login for Amazon setup on mom's computer?

Speeding ticket happens to everyone. I would not make an issue of it unless it happens again.

You have a reliable caregiver that are very hard to find. Talk to her and ask why, give her the benefit of the doubt. Then secure mom's Amazon account. Is it used to purchase items for mom, by the caregiver? I can easily see that this was a mistake.
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looloo Nov 2019
Hi gladimhere,
My mother doesn’t use her computer at all (thank God). And this wasn’t her Amazon account, it was the caregiver’s :(.

Yeah, I felt the same way about the ticket. Thanks for validating me - I wonder if I’m a total pushover and that’s why this is happening, but it helps to know that I’m probably keeping this in perspective.

I’m having a hard time believing that this was not deliberate. But I am willing to consider that, having her payment methods on her Amazon account obviously “adjusted” to remove my mother’s credit card within 24 hours of her purchase, she may have some remorse and maybe a little healthy anxiety about being caught. I’d like that to be good enough for me. I just don’t want to give someone another chance and have it bite me in the ass, but if this is what I’m gonna do, then I have to take that chance.
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It seems to me that the best approach would be to talk to the care giver before obsessing over it. Maybe it's a present for you from your mom. No knowing until you get it straight from the care giver's mouth. If you report her to the agency they will call the police on her, then much is out of your hands about what to do. I found missing money a couple of times and let it pass because these workers have a very low salary and no job security. All I did was ask if they knew what happened to the money so that they were aware that I was keeping track.
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looloo Nov 2019
I gotta say emphatically no to the possibility of it being a gift to me, lol! Yes, I really do not want to contact the agency about this.

it sounds like you handled the missing money really well. I’ll try to use the same kind of approach.
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Just be up front and to the point with the care giver: I saw that you made what appears to be a personal purchase on Amazon with my mother's credit card the other day. I cancelled the order but wanted to speak to you about it before drawing any conclusions. Period. See what she has to say; if it sounds like BS, it's probably BS and she's trying to get away with using your mother's CC for her own benefit. On the other hand, she would have to be pretty dumb to think she'd get away with such a thing, realistically. That's why you are giving her a chance to explain her actions before making a decision to fire her or keep her on. Don't be emotional when speaking to her; just be matter of fact and go from there.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on ME.
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looloo Nov 2019
Yep. More feedback that I need to say something. I can’t argue with your logic. Thanks!
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"We talk/text regularly, and if a purchase needs to be made, she’s always mentioned it." Exactly why I thought that perhaps your mother wanted to buy a present either for you or for her or someone else.

Be human about it. Pick up the phone and call her and say something like "Best caregiver ever, I'm hoping this has a simple explanation but I got a notification from my mother's credit card that you used it on Amazon." And then be quiet and listen to what she says.

Whatever explanation she offers, just accept it. There's no point in interrogating her. You want her to know that you know. This situation reminds me of a scene in the movie "Annie Hall":

ALVY'S FATHER
You fired the cleaning woman?

ALVY'S MOTHER
She was stealing.

ALVY'S FATHER
But she's colored.

ALVY'S MOTHER
SO?

ALVY'S FATHER
So the colored have enough trouble.

ALVY'S MOTHER
She was going through my pocketbook!

ALVY'S FATHER
They're persecuted enough!

ALVY'S MOTHER
Who's persecuting? She stole!

ALVY'S FATHER
All right-so we can afford it.

ALVY'S MOTHER
How can we afford it? On your pay?
What if she steals more?

ALVY'S FATHER
She's a colored woman, from Harlem!
She has no money! She's got a right
to steal from us! After all, who is
she gonna steal from if not us?
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looloo Nov 2019
Lol! I love that movie, and that scene was hilarious 😆

anyway, I am feeling cowardly about actually talking to her about it.

if my mother wanted to buy a gift, again, caregiver would have said something to me. Anyway, you are right about me needing to put on my big girl pants and say something
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I would have a problem trusting her. Just talk to her and let her know how you feel. Let her know that this behavior will not be tolerated. It's called stealing.
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looloo Nov 2019
Yeah, It’s definitely a loss of trust. And I do need to communicate that it’s not ok.
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I say talk to her about this. If she has an attitude and demeans you, then you will have to let her go, no matter how good she is with your mom.
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looloo Nov 2019
More votes for talking to her! Wish I weren’t so nervous about it.
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Thanks freqflier-that is true, there is some argument for giving her the benefit of the doubt.
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Maybe Mom allowed her to use the card and she was going to pay you back. Maybe you should ask if she has something to tell u. I agree, she must have known u would eventually see the charge. So, give her the benefit of the doubt.
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looloo Nov 2019
Possible, but not likely. But I will give her the benefit of the doubt, since it could maybe have been an accident.
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I have to agree with others saying you need to talk to her about it, both to make sure she knows you know and because so often the imagined circumstance is far worse than the actual facts. This is a person who has never done anything like this before as far as you know and has been working with your mom for 3 years? It seems far more likely to me that there is a simple explanation rather than a nefarious act, I hope so. You can take the simple straight forward approach, "is there a reason you used Mom's credit card to order something on Amazon?" or "Did you order something for Mom on Amazon?" or you could kind of soft pedal it a but more "I got a alert about Mom's cc being used on Amazon and since she doesn't have an account I automatically report it as fraud but then I noticed it was an order using your Amazon account. It was too late to back track but we could have avoided all of this if you had just let me know what Mom needed and asked if I wanted you to order through your account. I have to keep close track of Mom's expenditures so it's important you remember to consult me on these things."
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gdaughter Dec 2019
Do you know what the item purchased was, to know if it makes any sense that it would be for you??
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You need to speak to her at once. First of all do you know what this purchase was and are you sure she was not doing something at the behest of your Mom. You must ask her for an explanation. If the explanation is not a good one then there may be other problems afoot you are not aware of and that is worrisome, because as you said, it makes utterly ZERO sense to risk your job on this. Speak to her, sit her down face to face and simply ask for her explantions of purchase blah blah for blah blah amount on blah blah day. Watch what she says and that will tell you a lot.
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gdaughter Dec 2019
She's not near by :-(
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1) she works for an agency so that is who you should contact & inform and let them deal with her. If she has a legitimate explanation, they will discuss it with you.
2) you say she knows you monitor your cc acct like a hawk. She would have made a point of ASKING to use the cc number prior to making a purchase for your mom.
3) she may have been testing you to see just how closely you monitor the cc acct. before she went on to purchase more with it.

My cousin was PoA for a relative who had a very beloved caregiver who cleaned him out without blinking an eye. Please inform the agency what she did and then do not feel "bad" about it.
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XenaJada Dec 2019
I can almost guarantee this CG was testing the waters to see how closely the account is monitored before going in for the BIG spend.

And who, in this day and time, does not have a CC of their own except someone who has had money issues or bad credit?!!!

Why the HECK was she not using her own CC for the purchase?

LW needs to find out what the purchased item was. If it was a box of Depends or something like that, then it could be legitimately thought to be a purchase for LW's mother. There needs to be some communication. LW needs to know WHAT the purchased item was.
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Just be direct. Say that you saw a charge in your mom’s card. Ask if the purchase was for your mom or did your mom give her permission.

Can you ask your mom if she told her that she was allowed to use her card? Does she use your mom’s card to play for things for your mom on a regular basis?

Do you know what the purchase was? Do you absolutely know it’s not something for your mom?

If she did not have permission then why would you trust her? She may keep stealing. You are generous with her. She should value having you as a client.

I walked in on someone who stole from me. I was disappointed too. It was her first day and last day in my home. My response to her was if she had asked for help I would have helped her but now I couldn’t trust her. I asked her not to return.

You have a different situation because she had been there for years. Do you know if she has stolen anything else?

Don’t be embarrassed to speak to her. You want an answer or explanation. Nothing to be embarrassed about. I understand that you like her but it’s a matter of trust.

It’s up to you to decide if you want to tell the agency. She could lose her job if you tell. I am sure the agency would want to know.
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I have overlooked minor instances with caregivers, but I'd be hard pressed to overlook misuse of a credit card

You could be sly and just let her know that you received an alert that your mom's card was compromised and see what she says -
this will likely tell you what you need to know without any confrontation and then you can decide whether to let her agency know and to replace her -
more importantly, it may be time to adjust how you handle your mom's finances - with dementia there comes a time to take away the check book and cards
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Ms Madge,

I did not read profile when I responded. If OP’s mom has dementia then I feel like you do. Trust is important, especially when her mother isn’t going to be aware of everything. How do you know if she hasn’t stolen other things? She may continue to steal.

I’m curious about why you are so loyal to her. Other employees are trained to do the same job. She can be replaced.
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looloo Dec 2019
I wouldn’t call it loyalty-the situation with my mother has its own particular challenges, and has gone on for 10 years and counting now. The one stable element this entire time has been this caregiver. Did I also mention that she helped tremendously when it was time to put my mother’s elderly dog down? She really demonstrated all the qualities that you need, but don’t often find, in a caregiver. They are not a dime a dozen in my experience, and if we can move on from this, it would serve us both.
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Give an inch they take a mile!
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looloo Dec 2019
I try to be a little more optimistic about people in general, but I have to say that I have a history of being too nice, and am working on becoming more assertive and less tolerant of bad behavior. I’m not skilled at this though, and need to handle it well.
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People and circumstances change. Being reliable for 3 years doesn't mean her behavior hasn't changed. When I worked for the IRS I found a CPA who had embezzled $275k in 18 months from a company that had been her client for many years. She had developed a gambling problem. People and circumstances change. Call out the CG now and find out what changed.
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Bella7 Dec 2019
I’m too nice and naive too but less so cuz of how many times I’ve been bitten! Using someone else’s credit card, especially an elderly person, is totally not OK!! And why doesn’t she have her own credit card ? I would think that if you don’t have the money to buy it maybe you shouldn’t purchase it, especially on someone else’s card!! I see a big red flag here waving fast. If she doesn’t have a credit card, but she has an Amazon account, ( she must since she had delivery to her address ) she surely has a bank account listed for payments ?? Maybe she has no money in her account and that’s why she used your mom‘s card?! Grrr......

p.s. I think you are handling it very well, that is why you are here and getting everyone’s opinion, it is very hard to take care of our parents especially at a distance 👍😊
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The paid CG is an employee, therefore the OP needs to go directly to the employer to make the complaint -- she should ask for an immediate replacement and in no way should be talking to her directly! I have employees. If one of them does something unprofessional with my client I want to know, I don't want the client to deal with it directly (and only) with my employee. Please stop giving this advice! The paid CG will NOT be honest with the OP. Let the agency do its work so that THEY aren't ultimately held responsible for anything illegal.
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Thank you to everyone here who posted. I really appreciate all of your perspectives. Here’s to a better week ahead!
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I think what others have written already addresses my thoughts, but I have a few I'd like to share.

There's a possibility that you're not her only victim, but it's also a possibility that your mother may have given permission.  Have you and your mother discussed this, if it's possible, given Mom's mental state/dementia? 

Or was the item purchased at Amazon something that could possibly be a present or something your mother might want, or have asked your caregiver to buy for her?

There's also a possibility that her own circumstances have changed and she no longer has a viable credit card.  In that case, I would definitely ask more questions to find out what's going on.  

You mentioned something else that wasn't an issue, but did raise concern with me.  Since she's driving your mother's car, have you added her as an insured on the auto insurance?   If not, I would contact your insurance agent quickly, as if there were an accident and she's not a named insured, you or she could be facing some big bucks, if not legal issues.

You can approach the charge card issue gently, praising her for her work and emphasizing that you've been so pleases, but are now perplexed by the credit card incident.   Give her a chance to at least defend herself.  She's entitled to that.

In the meantime, have you contacted the agency and asked if these kinds of events have occurred with other families?
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I would be making a trip to moms house to see what is going on. It is so hard to read people on a text or phone call. Body language says so much more.

I would also read my contract with the agency and see what you agreed to do in situations like this. That is really how it needs to be handled, their administrative and employee responsibilities are why you use an agency. God forbid that something bigger happens and you haven't said anything about this situation, it makes it very difficult for the company that you have employed to provide caregivers.

We have a 3 strike rule for stupid mistakes, 1st is a verbal warning, 2nd is a written warning, 3rd is your final paycheck. You don't know what the company policy is with the agency, she may not get fired, but you can always ask and request a meeting with her, her supervisor and yourself, it doesn't have to be confrontational. But you really need to abide by the contract that was signed when you hired the agency.
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gdaughter Dec 2019
There is, imo, a difference between "stupid mistakes" and fraud/crime/stealing.
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It’s hard because you came to rely on her. She knows your mom’s routine. You seem to be an easy going person that doesn’t sweat the small stuff.

My concern is has she done this before. Will she continue to do it? If she would continue to steal then you would be better off starting off fresh with a new caregiver. The agency can send out a replacement.
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Years ago I had some health issues and had to quit my permanent job. I decided to work for a temporary agency.

I think people become too friendly with others in a professional relationship. Clients will approach whomever the agency sends out. Most people don’t bother with communication through the agency.

I wasn’t told that I couldn’t speak to the clients. The agency I worked for did not tell the client not to have conversations with the temporary workers. It depends on how the contract is written.

I was told that they had to pay a fee to the agency if they decided to ask me to work for their company and I accepted their offer.

I worked for some companies for a very long time. They call the assignment, ‘indefinitely.’

Basically you work for them until they no longer need you. It isn’t like other assignments such as filling in for someone that left for a vacation.

I had quite a few companies come directly to me to ask if they could hire me. Let me say, some people are ethical and rule followers and others are not.

Some companies told me that they wanted to hire me for the position that I already doing and some companies offered me different positions with more pay because an employee had to leave due to complications with a pregnancy. All kinds of things happen.

Some people come out and say, “We like you. We want to hire you full time. We don’t want to pay the fee.” I quickly notified them that I had to have stopped employment with the agency for six months if I were to accept the job without them paying a fee.

Some people will say, “We know there is a fee and we are happy to pay it.” Some employees moonlight for clients. They are risking getting fired.

My response was always the same when approached, “I am flattered that you would like to hire me. I have enjoyed working for a temporary agency. I have been fortunate to stay busy without being tied down permanently. I cannot accept a full time position at this time.”

I explained that I was working for a temporary agency because I had to have time off for doctor appointments.” They were fine with me scheduling doctor appointments.

I never accepted permanent offers. I wasn’t interested in doing so. All kinds of situations occur with agencies. Sometimes people would send me on errands and I would use my car and my gas. Other times the person would insist I use their car.

Some clients would include me in lunch outings and pay for my lunch. Some included me for holiday gatherings at reception halls. I was surprised at some of the things.

I think the agency would really like to know if their employees are stealing. If I owned an agency I would want to know so I could address it.

I do appreciate that you have developed a relationship with her. I do appreciate that she has gone above and beyond but, you’ve hit a snag and somehow it must be dealt with.
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Bye. Immediately. Sorry. I so feel for you and can relate to every single word you've said and I say that as the good daughter living under the same roof as my elder parents and having tried hired help.

This is how it all can work, earning your trust over time. I'm sorry, so sorry that the world sees caregiving as a low wage position. I work in an agency and I keep saying those who do (only) housekeeping are underpaid and it is hard to compete...we offer some benefits...but the hourly wage pales in comparison to some retail etc. And of course if the lower wage staff gets an increase so should the rest of us imo.

Anyhow, she has grossly violated things and I am totally appalled that she dared to enter your or your mother's credit card info on her own Amazon account. That is FRAUD. She could be reported to the police for stealing and taken to court. I don't care if it was a $3 transaction. She may be testing to see if you would notice. IT IS NOT OKAY. It is even worse with you being at a distance. What will she forge next? Checks? Stealing totchkes? It doesn't matter. This is not a person you want in your home. You need to inform her agency and she needs to be terminated to go to the next unsuspecting soul. And by not reporting it, you will allow this or worse to potentially happen to others.

I'm so sorry, because I can see how dependent you are on her and getting rid of her will turn everything upside down and there will be a new person to get used to for both your mom and you. It's also btw not okay for her to get some groceries for herself. Of course if you did the ordering and had things delivered, she could still steal the groceries outright from the house.

And then we have the speeding...which isn't much over the limit I realize...but what is she doing when not in the complex? And you're entrusting her to take care of your mom...

I am reminded of the Chinese symbol for crisis I think it is ...it is part danger and part opportunity...wishing you and your mom all the best....
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looloo,
What a difficult situation.
Is it possible that your mother told her to use the card to buy the item, as a gift?
If so, it's a lapse in good judgement on the part of the caregiver, but not necessarily grift.
If that's not the case, it is my opinion that you should replace her before it snowballs.
My dad's caregiver stole his supplements out of the bottle, which was discovered after he went off care and she was gone. Not a big deal, but then what might've been taken next?
Good luck,
R27
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Bella7 Dec 2019
Since the caregiver and her text regularly it seems to me that she could’ve shot her a text and said, “hey this is what I’m going to do because your mother asked me too, what do you think? Is it ok?”

Still sounds fishy to me.
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My own mother was very clear when we were children that we should not leave money or anything else of value accessible when the cleaner came. She was not well off, and we should not put temptation in her way. Any fault was shared.

If you think this might be the tip of a slightly bigger iceberg, leave some coins out in view and see if they disappear. If this was a ‘one-off’, perhaps you let it pass, or perhaps you ask her if there was any reason why she used the card. Perhaps she can’t access Amazon and worked extra hours to make up the cost. Still not the right thing to do, but not evil enough to end a relationship that works so well for you and your mother.
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Jannner Dec 2019
Lol, people who “are not well off “aren’t necessarily tempted to steal . Theft is usually due to morals not need, ever hear of white color crime? Very narrow minded statement you made.
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My coworker allowed a trusted agency worker to buy her mother’s groceries with her mom’s credit card. She noticed the charges were higher than normal so she took the reward card to the store so they could print out all purchases. She found caregiver was buying things for herself too. She contacted agency who refused to believe her. She contacted prosecutors office and was told the theft was too small to bother investigating
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NeedHelpWithMom Dec 2019
Yeah, it’s always best to check credit cards. Some people just pay them. A friend of mine kept getting weird charges on his bill. Payments for cellphones for a different company than he used, amazon deliveries, etc.

It ended up being an employee of a restaurant that he frequently visited for lunch. Was easy to track it because the fool had items shipped to his home address. The employee got fired and the charges were removed from his card.
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As poa, I review the online banking for an aunt to make sure her nursing home is paid. I noticed a debit for taco bell. The charge is the least of my worries but something to be dealt with. Stop the access to an account that needs only to be used for care needs.
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