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I’d just tell her you noticed the charge , let her explain . Ask why she made it etc. How she reacts should help you see if there is more of a problem. But if she stole from your mother that’s not a reliable person.
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Dont accuse her just ask her nonchalantly that you noticed an amazon purchase made with moms card. What were you guys buying? If she answers you respectfull and admits to using your moms card without permission. Tell her this is not cool and she cant be doing this w/o you knowing. Reiterate how much you appreciate her and will let it slide this time. Actions like this can jeopardize her future employment and dont let something so small affect the great work and reputation she's worked so hard to get.
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Bella7 Dec 2019
It may be “small” but it was the “action” of her doing it that bugs me! I would tell agency.
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I had the same (worse) problem with my mom's caregiver: she took my mom's debit card out of her purse while she was in the hospital and rehab, and went to the ATM three times! Withdrew nearly $1000; also used the card to buy groceries, gas, even Starbucks. When I saw the withdrawals, I gave her a chance to explain, but clearly, I had to fire her.
Since the charge is so small, I'd ask your caregiver what it was for. Maybe your mom told her to buy something and she did it using her own account. Give her a chance to explain. But if her explanation is "the devil made me do it" as it was in my case, sadly, it'll be time to find a new caregiver.
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NeedHelpWithMom Dec 2019
So sorry that happened to you and your mom. No good excuse for it. Of course, you had to let her go. Hopefully she learned a lesson from it.
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I had a caregiver steal quite a bit from me. I reported it to the police and luckily I got much of it back but I still had thousands of dollars worth of items taken. Not to mention property damage that will not be replaced, most from stupid accidents.
It sounds like this person is getting a little too comfortable.
I would report the caregiver to the agency.
Before you do go through the house looking for little things that you may not think you are currently missing. Or your mothers things.
The agency should be aware of the speeding ticket as well and there is no way that you should have paid it and I hope it did not go on your record.
You may not be worried about a tchotchke but what if the "tchotchke" happens to be an antique Tiffany broach...The few groceries that she puts in the cart with your moms happens to be the Prime Rib roast for her Christmas dinner. Theft is theft it does not matter what it is it is still theft. The law may put a name to it depending on value up to Felony but it is still taking advantage of an elderly person and it should be reported. (I guess I am still angry at the person that stole from me, violated my trust, my home and while they were searching my home leaving my Husband alone and possibly putting him in danger)
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MammaMia900 Dec 2019
You have every right to be angry.
It'd deeply sad situation.
One must inventory and photograph everything in the house (even our old iron was taken -- for what reason????) And then ask the offending caregiver what's up.

Valuable items must be professionally evaluated for their estimated value.
Preferably removed from the home. Even if the elder doesn't want that, then you have to do it anyway.
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What did she buy?

My first thought would be - seeing as she's not stupid, she knows the routine, and she knows this is going to be spotted immediately - that she put the card on an Amazon account to buy something on your mother's behalf.

For heaven's sake, stop pussyfooting around behind her back and *ask* her about it. "Sue, I was just checking through mother's November account and saw this transaction on the [date] - what happened there please?" It's not even a rude question!

If it turns out that she is buying a little gift from your mother to herself, though, that is a problem. She mustn't do that. It must be returned.

The speeding fine was incurred while she was at work on your mother's business. I'd grumble about it and ask her to be more careful but I think you were right to pay it.
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How did she get her hands on the credit card??? She shouldn't have access to it. No money at all. Not to any person. Keep temptation out of it. She can call you, and you deal with whatever needs to be paid. Or a card with preloaded money. That way only a small amount could be taken. You can even order food thru Walmart and pay for the order,and she pick it up at a scheduled time. No money involved.
She will probably say that your mom told her to get a little something for herself. Or to order it for your mom. I dont buy that. An honest person would say wait till I run it by your daughter before purchasing anything on a card that doesnt belong to me. I would bc I wouldnt want to be brought up on theft charges. Or what if your mom forgot about telling her to get something for herself on the card. Common sense says do it BEFORE the purchase. I would assume automatically it wouldnt be ok. I'd pick up the phone and tell you. Never just do it. Or if it was a gift for you, say your mom wants me to get you a gift on that card. And the price. Is that ok? That is her job and livelihood. You dont mess with that for something that can be misunderstood. You want things above board always. Or you wont have a job. Why didnt she do that? She talks to you and your in the loop.

When you have people in your mom's house, you strip it down to the bare minimum. I've seen where they even take the good pots and pans, and leave crappy ones so they wont be stolen. Nothing of value to take. Even the furniture was old and too big to take. Stripped down to minimum. But the elderly person was still comfortable. You must do that. Not say the tchotchkes can be sacrificed. That person would take those, and move onto other things bc they got away with it.

Id say do you have anything to tell me? Then be quiet. Let her talk her way out. Proceed from there. Even if your mom said buy yourself something, I would let you know and or the agency. That's common sense. Then all 3 can decide if that's appropriate. I wouldnt just do it. Never! To easy for a misunderstanding.

She can get fired for that at her agency, and brought up on charges for theft/stealing. She probably got the item or Amazon would have said they stopped it. It was probably in the mail. She can give it back to you so you can return it. Or decide why it was bought. You can say you will give her 1 more chance. I don't know, if it were me a thief is not trustworthy. You dont know what else she has done. I would always wonder. I'd get another person who is honest. If she did that to your mom, she would do it to anyone else's mom/loved one. Even if your mom said get yourself something, I wouldnt just do it. It tell you first so your not in the predicament you both are now in. The item wouldnt be worth it. That's her livelihood she is messing with. Weird part is she knows you see the bill. So still why do that? Seems odd. She could easily texted you a heads up.
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Amazon could be at fault here. I have a smartphone and if i buy something regularly, it sometimes stores my payment information. Even though my cell phone company pays my Amazon prime membership, I still get stuck with a membership charge. Amazon pulls my payment info for automated processing. I've authorized this in the past and left it on. Ive had to remember to turn off the automated processing, file a dispute, contact customer service for Amazon and my credit card; nevertheless, Im still getting charged even after all that since I ordered something else.

Clearly, the lady has access to your mom's credit cards but does she use them for legit purchases (think grocery order online for pick up)? There's a possibility this was not done with intent. When someone turns on 1-click purchasing, there is room for error.

I'd say she deserves the benefit of the doubt.
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What happens someday if this lady has to go onto Medicaid? That transaction will get looked at!
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worriedinCali Dec 2019
Oh come on! It’s a $28 credit card charge. Medicaid won’t be looking at old credit card statements.
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Other end of the spectrum here; You mentioned "elder abuse;" If she is accused of this, by you; First, she will be terminated by the agency. 2. She will be charged, by law enforcement, with elder abuse. 3. She will be arrested, placed in handcuffs, and she will be put in a cell, in jail. 4. A bond will be set, by a judge. She can not get out of jail, until that bond is in place. An attorney will have to be got, by her. She is responsible for all attorney fees, which is through the roof. Once all this is done, she WILL NEVER be able to be a caregiver again. Almost impossible to get a job, doing anything. All for a 28$ charge. Why can you not just talk with her, find out the "why" of this? Make it crystal clear this will not be tolerated. I was falsely accused of a theft, went through all this; It wound up costing me over FIFTEEN THOUSAND DOLLARS, - the client herself had sold the item, didn't want daughter to know. Although not guilty, no agency will hire me, because I have an inquiry on background report. Law enforcement does not cover the outcome of this, in their final report I am "blackballed" forever, because my client didn't confess, till it was done. Said it was her stuff. I'm out all that money, defending myself, because she wanted 50$ in her pocketbook. REMORSE? NO. Not even an apology. Think of the outcome, before getting to the start of accusing anyone, of anything.
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XenaJada Dec 2019
I DETEST thievery, but I absolutely would not want to put someone through all that you went through over a $28 theft.

I too have been accused multiple times by an aunt (slight dementia and lifelong paranoia). She CONSTANTLY misplaces her things and then accuses the most recent person who visited her of stealing the item. And when she finds the "stolen item" (she always does), there is NEVER an acknowledgement or apology. Ever.

I have helped her so many times, taking my entire day to get her to the doctor and grocery store, only to have her turn on me like a pitt bull. Her most favorite item to lose and accuse is a strand of pearls.

She is currently in Assisted Living. I have watched her anytime we are leaving her room to go somewhere. This look of paranoia suddenly comes over her face and she starts "grabbing and hiding" things of value. I watched her grab her credit card and hide it in the covers on her unmade bed and tuck her watch into a stack of dirty clothes, etc. I immediately stopped her and made her put those items in her purse. Later when we got into the car, she started screaming that "she could not find her credit card and that she must have dropped it in the hallway and surely someone will take it and go shopping!" A few minutes later she found it in the bottom of her purse! She constantly loses her CC or leaves it on the counter at the grocery store.

I'm so sorry you went through your ordeal. I do hope your accuser received a good cursing out or a nasty letter.
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Are you sure the purchase was not for your mother? I normally always use my mother's card for Amazon purchases that are for her. Gloves, incontinence pads, UTI test strips, lotions, etc. If the purchase is for me, I use my own card. All of these are done on my personal account. Guess the best way to approach her, is to just ask her about it.
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Elder theft is particularly heinous.
You will have to make your own decision on how to handle.
But I will share with you my perspective:

Our elder had her entire costume jewelry and precious jewels and other random items from the house stolen. In small batches over time.

Hidden very far in a corner with tons of stuff on top of it? No worries -- they have tons of time when the elder is in a trance watching TV to search and find and take. Stuff in a safe? ha... meet the crowbar.
Very, very sad.
Agency hire? You report it to the agency and have her replaced. They have insurance and procedures for this.
Direct hire?: After you find a replacement, you report it to the police. So we have taken on the following... our home care job application requests all of the same information you would give to a regular employer.
Date of birth, confirmation of ability to work in this country, Driver's license, make and model of car, car license plate number, emergency contact information. As well as the rest: employment history, references, etc.

In your new hire procedures you use a check list of duties. Emergency procedures.
And make your procedures clear about what happens if something goes missing in the house. ____ You state we have had things stolen and we call the police when it happens. The police come and interview the caregivers. Period. (You have to have police report in order to get insurance money.)

The caregiver initials every line item on your list so you know everything is clear. And they are not taken by surprise. The police WANT you to report these things.
And it is important. The police come mostly to be sure the elder is not being physically abused. But they can interview the caregivers to ask about it. Most likely she will fold in their presence. You decide if you want to press charges, but it does not hurt to make sure everyone who works for you is aware of how you handle things.

Good luck.
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You have 30 days to review the charge through the credit card company and see if the purchase was authorized or if your mother authorized a user. False accusations are just as harmful. Do your part first so you are not mistaken.
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gdaughter Dec 2019
It's still a discussion that should be generated by the agency employer I think. It's really a tough call, but at least once the employer agency knows the concern they can advise her how to handle it. It could be that others have voiced concern with no firm proof...ALSO if this is a private agency, they are not obligated to do background checks...so there could be (hope not) a history. IF no check has been done, I'd be asking for one. Especially before letting someone into our home...
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I would have a serious discussion with her. I have a real problem with people who steal from others. I had two cleaning ladies steal from me in the past. Expensive china and other things. I was 100% certain they took my stuff and put it in their big cart of housekeeping supplies. I confronted both of them, and fired them on the spot. I did not call the police, but was very disappointed in them and glad I let them go. I would confront her and do let her know how you feel. If it was me I would let her go and try to find someone else. She broke your trust in her, shame on her. I would not let her get away with this. She will not learn anything from her actions and might not stop at $28. You will not be doing her a favor if you just let it go. Stealing is stealing big or small.
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Just a thought going around in my head. The OP feels awkward confronting the caregiver. She shouldn’t. I believe in being fair and giving a person an opportunity to explain. There has to be good communication for any relationship to succeed. There has to be proper communication for issues to be resolved.

Just wondering though, when does a feeling move past being awkward and develop into fear for some people? So many people have unrealistic anxiety. I have seen fear cripple people.

For instance, my summer job as a kid was at at convenience store. I got robbed at gun point. My daddy pitched a fit and asked me not to go to the police line up for fear of the robber retaliating.

I get that he loved me but I went to the line up. I couldn’t identify anyone and my dad was happy. He also told me to quit my job there.

I think people are afraid to speak to one another. Does anyone else feel this way?
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Longears Dec 2019
I think some of the fear of confrontation comes from the bad things that we read in the paper or hear on the news.

A caregiver knows our schedules, the layout of our homes, perhaps the code to the security system. Our pets know them & accept their presence. Even if the caregiver is trustworthy, someone in their family or circle of friends may not be. An offhand remark or casual conversation could have unknown ripples.

We had a caregiver who was very anxious to get in our basement. She wanted to know what we had down there that she could sell on craigslist. Her son was in jail & did not have bond money. After the 2nd time I found her in the guest room doing unrequested "cleaning" I called the agency & said we had decided pursue other care options.

Did I complain about her to the agency? No. I was not comfortable with the potential fallout. As it was she sent me letters & left gifts on our porch hoping to become friends. Kinda creepy.
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I would question her about the charge and I would let her go. If you can’t trust a caregiver not to use your Moms credit card without your permission how can you possibly trust her to care for your Mom? Also don’t understand why you paid her speeding ticket? Is she not responsible enough to obey the law regardless of why she was in the car driving? I think you gave an inch to this woman out of appreciation and she is taking a few additional inches. She might just be too comfortable IMO.
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You need to talk to her and to your mother to find out if she was making a purchase on your mother's behalf - after all Christmas is coming, and elderly people do have needs. Before you make a judgement get all sides of the story. After that if there is no excuse you can make it clear this is not acceptable and any further problems you will need to part with her, or you can get rid of a very good carer and start a search which will no doubt cost you considerably more. Personally even if it was inappropriate then provided you can get reason for it and assurances it won't happen again I would give carer a second chance, but you really do need to know the background to what happened.
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Be direct and ask her why she did this. The answer may guide you towards a more clearer action.
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I would give her the benefit of talking with you. I actually remember a time years ago (before cell phones) when I made a similar mistake. I was upset about a child in a hospital -not in our area code. The rule was if we used the company phone we must charge the cost to our home phone. I thought I did that. Fortunately,I was the person who had to check all calls - imagine how embarrassed I was when I saw a call to that hospital charged to the company phone. I guess in my haste & confusion, I gave the # I was most used to instead of my home phone #. I immediately called & explained. Not only were they understanding, they insisted on 'forgiving' the cost. Does your caregiver use your mother's card for your mother's purchases? She may have just picked up the wrong one. Anything is possible - but only she/he knows what really happened!
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Maybe she had your mother's and also her own card on the account and accidentally used the wrong one. I have multiple accounts on my on line bill paying, and more than once I accidentally used my son's estate account because it was the one that showed up and I didn't change it. So then I move money and pay it back. Could it have been accidental? I case a CNA for a while and a lot if people would request me. Probably because I spoke English and would do anything for them. I would take anything of value out if the home that isn't necessary and keep your perfect caregiver. But that's me. I know how hard it is to get a good one. And one your mom really likes.
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Even if it was something your mother needed, she does not have the right to use your credit cards.  In this business of elder care, theft is rampant and no one would want to draw any suspicion to themselves by doing something like this.  If she was purchasing this for your mother, her name wouldn't be on it at all.  She would have used your mother as the "ship to", not herself.  We all know why you are avoiding the inevitable.....finding care you can trust and feel comfortable with is extremely hard.  Trying to manage your moms care from a far is not easy either. Bottom line is that she has broken trust on more than one occasion.  The problem with "allowing" these little indiscretions to continue is that you are fooling yourself about where the line gets drawn.  You no longer have control,  What else could be going on that you don't know about?  Is your mom cognizant enough to tell you if she is being neglected or mistreated?  You feel like you have everything in place and you don't want to have to make changes or deal with any drama....I get it.   I just wouldn't be able to tolerate anyone who would steal from me or my mom.  Have you thought about setting up a hidden video camera to see what your moms day with this caregiver is really like?
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Daisy9 Dec 2019
We installed a hidden nanny cam in my MIL's apt. in a well known big name facility. Thankfully, my MIL was never physically injured, but a technician taunted her. Another stole, one paraded her out of her bathroom nude in a two person suite to dry her off (MIL was cold!). Yet another sat on a flimsy end table and broke it, landing her on the floor (well deserved, I'd say, for thoughtlessly breaking a piece of furniture!) The drawback was having to change a chip in the nanny cam every other day when we were there. Look on line for hidden surveillance camera. Most are not expensive, although you would need to review on line due to the distance. Probably much more expensive.
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It is difficult to find good reliable help, especially when working remotely for a parent. Like most responses mentioned, a caregiver needs to be held accountable and fortunately, so far the incidents are not so egregious. It sounds like the behavior is recent and draws more questions of why she would do this - is there something going on in her personal life, burnout, etc.? Definitely, I would address this if possible via Skype, FaceTime to have her explain and let her know while her services have been highly valued, there is not a next time (in your words) for actions that are not in the best interest of your mother.
My mother is remote from me and I have an independent individual who checks on her in yes, a facility. I consider it 'insurance'. Working with the industry I have observed some who really care and others apparently, just collecting a paycheck.
It's clear you want to be fair, yet at the end of the day, if not as a Guardian, POA, or a steward for your Mom, you are her advocate to whatever extent that requires and that you are able to extend.
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Your kind and understanding attitude about your care giver’s situation is admirable. (A few groceries etc). I’m just thinking that you should have a really reasonable talk with her about the Amazon transaction. Your words are so genuinely compassionate as you described this incident that I’m sure you can use the same approach when speaking with her. Just letting her know how much you value her and know this must have been a lack of judgement that won’t happen again because you’d hate to lose her. You NEED to speak to her because things like this start small. And as the person starts feeling they can get away with it, the incidents often become larger and more frequent. It doesn’t mean they start as a “hard core criminal”. It is usually as you described, a person getting crappy pay for a tiresome job. But it can really escalate if not addressed. And if she really is a good soul, she will be embarrassed she was found out and will most likely never do it again! Better to have a slightly uncomfortable talk now than face larger consequences for her later.
Every employee needs to know there is a “boss” watching over them to keep them doing the right thing. She will probably appreciate your fairness and the fact that you are also watching out for your mom.
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tf110862 Dec 2019
Wow, GREAT advice. I agree....talk to her. As a in home caregiver myself, I can't imagine, taking advantage of the elderly. So wrong, on so many levels.
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I took time to read through all the posts. I saw the word gift mentioned several times but no mention of holiday shopping. Is mother aware of the holidays? Is she cognizant enough to want to buy a gift for someone? Even the helper. Would she have wanted to buy a gift for anyone in the family and had the helper do it? Without knowing what the amazon item was it is hard for us to decipher. Can you reveal what the item was? I agree with confronting the helper in a calm manner as being inquisitive. Mention Amazon or credit card company notified you of the purchase and see what she says. I think we are all in suspense. Good luck and let's hope for a positive outcome.
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What did you end up doing? And the reasoning of the charge?
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Please confront her right now... there is no excuse for what she's done because this isn't about the amount of money, it's about the intent. By your own admission you've already validated her past 'minor' thefts so you need to be very clear about what you will and won't allow in the future. Seriously- the nerve to link your mom's credit card to her Amazon account! That's a bit bigger than a few groceries or knickknacks.

And it will most likely escalate if you don't address it because the temptation will be there. We went through the same thing with my in-laws with their home health aide they just adored. It, too, started with small monetary thefts- until $5000 went missing (yes, they shouldn't have had that much cash in their apartment but there was no reasoning with them). Her husband, to add matters, is the building maintenance man so had the keys to the apartment. Other residents in the building then admitted to thefts when using this same aide, but nothing could be proven. The aide (a retired RN- which added credibility in the eyes of my FIL) told him that she would never steal from him so of course he believes her. The best thieves are the ones you least want to suspect, I suppose.
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Have you spoke with your Mom? Is it possible your Mom approved the purchase? I wouldn't stress out yet without knowing all the facts. Speak with them both together. In the event the caregiver did this behind your Mom's back, she needs to go. It will escalate if she got away with it once. If your Mom approved it, let it go.
If she did steal, the Agency will terminate her if you tell them why you don't want her anymore. Its probably time for a new caregiver anyway. Many get lax over time and lose their professional edge. Get the answers you need and go from there.
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my2cents Dec 2019
AFter working for years, this woman would know that she would need to talk to children of the woman before using/borrowing/taking any money or using a credit card -- call it what it is THEFT
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Cancel the credit card, get your mother a new card, and do not give the information to any caregiver ever again. If she tries it again, it will say "CARD DECLINED". Get all of the financial records out of your mother's house. There is no reason for anyone except the financial POA to have access to money. Period.

I once had a house guest - a Nigerian woman who was on scholarship at a local college - steal a piece of fine jewelry from me that was in my vanity in my bathroom. The feeling sucks. People steal. I was naive. I made it easy. Never again.
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gdaughter Dec 2019
Very obvious and good plan, though doesn't resolve having a potentially untrustworthy caregiver with potential speeding issues taking care of mom. Surprised no one (including me!) suggested doing this sooner!
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Arizona, two caregivers just sentenced to 30 and 36 months in prison for financial exploitation of a vulnerable senior. Wire transfer fraud.

They gained access to his financial information and robbed him.

Trusted caregivers by the way.
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gdaughter Dec 2019
I don't know about the rest of you who are single and/or don't have much in the way of family or friends...but I fear for my future...what inspiration to stay healthy on all counts...
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Nip that in the bud ASAP. The more she or he gets away with it the worse it gets . And it’s very hard to press charges because they de friend your mother and the victim doesn’t want to turn on their exploiter. I ran into this in 2015 and contacted my moms attorney co trustee and he didn’t do a thing my mom is broke of thousands of her own money and my grandparents money was also given away and spent. The police had to remove my mom from her house. I just spent the 100 thousand dollars fixing moms house to sell because she is now in a wonderful AFH being taken care of . But her attorney stepped in the day the house was getting listed and stopped the sale he now wants mom to return to her home where her exploiters are living in a house around the corner from the house and still in contact with my mom waiting for her to return so they can get on her trust to become POA there were just about on the trust and had my mom believing it was me that was stealing. Her attorney wants her to go back. It’s a mess and you don’t want to get up that point it can go many directions and then your sending more of your time sung her money in court on legal fees . Take it from someone that’s going through hell . I would confront and make her pay it back and tell her if it happens again you will let her go or call APS but they don’t do much either. They let my moms attorney exploiters go. I also got a five year VAPO order but they have never been served. They evade the police when they try serving them I may sound a little hash but believe me you don’t want to be in my position. Good luck
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No one has mentioned a potential problem: If you fire any caretaker they still the key to the house. Demanding the key on the spot won't work b/c if the caretaker will steal they will also have a duplicate key made for future theft. Change the locks after any caretaker is fired.
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cherokeegrrl54 Dec 2019
Good advice...hadn’t thought of that
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