Lions and tigers and bears, oh my. Any advice?

SEEK HELP for YOURSELF at once.
Your mother needs to go into care NOW. This is not a matter of money. If your Mom doesn't have money then the State will provide. They are capable of providing guardianship as well. Instead of employing an attorney to fight for rights for anyone you should be employing an attorney to UNWIND yourself from care that is worsening you mental and physical health.
By your own description you are now in the way of grave harm to yourself. It should be of interest that most who commit suicide do it almost on impulse whether they agree with the concept or not. There are many things that this Forum cannot help you wish. Foremost among the things is suicidal ideation. You need to call a Suicide Hotline right now at 800-273 8255 and speak with them honestly. Or take yourself to Emergency Services at your hospital.
I am so sorry. You are not alone, and especially not alone in this season. Please seek help at once.

I saw your post come up & wanted to read it b/c I remember you posted about the BioMat mini you bought your mother which is helping her immensely. I didn't like what I read at all!

I agree with what AlvaDeer has said to you in its entirety. You need to REMOVE your mother from your home IMMEDIATELY. Just having her there to trigger your awful memories of what happened to you as a kid is a very very bad thing. WHY are you doing this to yourself? It's like pouring salt on an open wound knowing it's going to hurt really really bad, yet you're continuing to do it, day in and day out. You have no business keeping your abuser in your home, even if she's your mother. You can't see the forest through the trees UNTIL and UNLESS you get her out of your house. Only then can the healing process begin.

Medicaid IS available for demented elders who cannot afford to self pay for Skilled Nursing, and Guardianship can be appointed by the State, as Alva explained.

Your mother is taking up WAY too much space in your head, clogging it up, making it seem like there's no escape b/c she's also in your PERSONAL space. It's too much for any human being to bear.

Please do what you have to do to get your mother out of your house right away, and ask your partner for his help.

Then call the suicide hotline & talk to a person there who has experience with what you're feeling & going through.

Please do it. Right away. Wishing you the very best of luck taking care of YOU now!

You are the perfect example of what the stress of being a caregiver for someone with mental decline looks like. It has triggered your Lymes disease to rear its ugly head again, and now the stress is messing with your mind. 40 % of Alzheimer's caregivers will die from related stress issues, before the Alzheimer's patient. Stop and think about that for a minute. It sounds like that's where you are headed. Please hurry and get mom in the appropriate facility, as you caring for her is doing you more harm than good, and then continue seeing your therapist, so you can once again get your life back on track. You're young still, with lots of living yet to do. Please take care of you first. Best wishes.

Hi Ganesha, 
 Caregiving is a long difficult road, and we're happy you have found the support of others here on this site. 
 However, there are limits to what untrained members on our site can provide for you. 
 Please reach out to experts for additional support and the help you need 24 hours a day at the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 
 Call 1-800-273-8255

First Ganesha let me say fellow Lymie here and I know all too well the limitations flare ups cause as well as that feeling of despair when those limitations smack you in the face. I also know how all of those things can take hold when you suddenly take 10 steps backwards through no decision of your own. Adding the rigors, both emotional and physical of caring for an aging parent to the mix is overwhelming for the best of relationships where you are getting love and personal benefits back so I can’t even begin to imagine the weight you carry.

Im not sure how you got to the place with a parent who was the level of abusive you describe, that you care for their needs much less bring them into your home and do it yourself but you are obviously a remarkable person with a huge heart, kudos to you. Don’t however short change yourself or ignore your own needs in order to do that. You mention a middle brother so perhaps there are more siblings? Are they involved in decisions about mom or willing to help you in her care, even from a distance? Might they be a good source of shoulders to lean on at least? It may be a mute question since you seem to know how to take care of yourself enough to come here to vent.

As someone who can identify with much of what you are experiencing, though certainly not all I can only tell you what I try to do when I reach these points. I try to separate things as best I can, I mean everything affects the other of course with stress being at the core but your Lyme symptoms and health are separate from your work and financial life, the responsibility you have taken on for your mom separate from both of those and I would try to approach them separately. It always helps me anyway to bite off smaller chunks so I have a better chance of accomplishing something which always makes me feel better. The worst for me is when I feel like I’m not accomplishing anything because then I feel useless and it’s hard enough for me to feel useful especially when Lyme is rearing it’s ugly head. Obviously you need to take care of immediate health needs, you know what helps what for you even if it’s just researching what the new treatments are for symptoms or spending some time on a Lyme group FB page or forum. Once you aren’t feeling as desperate about that I would focus on getting your mom qualified for outside care, for one you sound confident in your ability to navigate that and it always gives me a self esteem boost when I am able to get stuff like that done, even when it takes me all day or longer. This will also accomplish getting her out of your home and away from being her sole caregiver which is not something to feel guilty or negative about. It I’m sure would be the best thing for your health and that of your relationship/household as well as probably being the best thing for your moms care and your relationship with her as well. You are caring for her by getting her placed somewhere safe as well as caring for yourself and others in your life and there will still be planets of overseeing and coordinating to do so you aren’t just washing your hands of her. Get yourself at least stabilized symptom wise and then spend the week or two if you need to focusing on getting mom squared away. Then go back to focusing on getting your health back and my guess is work will come as things aren’t feeling so daunting. No doubt there are some important things missing in my steps here but hopefully you get the picture.

Please, please know you aren’t alone and in fact you have the tools and the strength to get over this life time hurtle too even though I know it feels like you have already climbed over more than your fair share and it isn’t fair to be in that place again. It isn’t fair. Sending lots of positive thoughts and strength!

There is help, Medicaid. If Mom has any money use it to place her in a NH. My Mom had about 20k which got her 2 months in a NH. I then applied for Medicaid and by the 3rd month Medicaid was paying the bill. The cost of 2 months private pay brought Mom way under the 2k Medicaid allows. Money can go for prepaid funeral.

You need to make this lawyer aware you are not capable of caring for Mom. I have never had Lymes but know people that have and I understand its debilitating. A friend said she was so tired. Plus, a child who was abused should never take care of the person who was the abuser.

Like said, you may want to see if the State can be made to take over Moms care.

Ganesha,
Losing your job due to Covid may qualify you for unemployment, with added benefits from the Federal government. Even self-employed, actors, and others now qualify.

You may need some help to qualify, and to register online.

Then, (it is such a bear) you may need to contact your legislative office locally for help to get paid. Try.

The lions and tigers never come inside the house, so if you are staying home, you'll be safe.

Thank you all. Every post has provided food for thought and, importantly, solidarity and support. I thank you.

I need to be clear that I have no intention of hurting myself, I did however, need to come clean on the intrusive thoughts.

Once again, thank you all. You have made a difference.

So, since the song is on a playlist of mine, I understand it is from a 3rd party perspective. Most would not know that.

Most unemployment agencies have a program to retrain and place people who make under $40k, look into that.