Living with father in law?

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Living with father in law?

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I got married about 1 year ago.

We are planning to buy a house in 1 year.

I said to my husband your dad can live with us and get rent from him for our morgage payment so that we can have a big house, because he mentioned he wanted to live close with him to check out him regularly.

When I suggested that idea, he looked happy and talked about it right away to his father (my mother in law passed away) my father in law was happy to help us financially and live with us.

He is very very good man, and I’m sure he will try not to bother us.

But the more I think the more I can’t put this decision out of my mind, I think I will regret...

Even though he is trying not to get in our way, I’m sure there must be things that we will debate.

Can I get some advise?

Honestly, I don’t want to take care of his errands, like laundry, cook..

I already told him please don’t expect that from me, he said he will do that when the time he needs it comes.

But still, We are not even living together, but I really want to hear something from people.

Most of people say never live with them. (My english is not perfect sorry)

Family Caregiver Multi-generational Living Senior Health

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Bad bad idea, you will end up having no life whatsoever. And bigger house on his money or help is the worst idea ever. If you need more funds, get a better job, count on your money not your FIL's, live within your means don't stretch.

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It’s a bad idea and quite frankly buying a bigger house because you will have rental income from him, is....pretty darn foolish unless you can comfortably afford to pay the mortgage without his help. You shouldn’t start off your marriage & purchase a home if you are counting on financial help from someone else. The reality is, you have no idea how long your FIL will live with you—he could move out or become sick & need to go in to long term care or he could die suddenly and in any of those situations, you lose his financial support.

Putting aside the financial aspect......you will have less privacy with your FIL living there. No matter what he says, he may start expecting you to prepare his meals and wash his laundry, he may start making all sorts of demands. He might become a lazy slob and refuse to clean up after himself. He might want to do everything with you & your husband. Suppose his health declines, are you prepared to be a hands on caregiver while his needs trump yours and he now comes first?

to be honest, I think moving him in is a very very bad idea. You’ve married one year. It will be detrimental to your marriage.

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My mother is a very good lady, and she moved in with us about 6 years ago. She spends most of her time in our rec room as it is comfortable for her, has a handicapped bathroom, and she wants to be "out of our way". It is still not great.. and we love her dearly. She is getting frailer, has health issues, and is truly lonely. So while she is tring to be as inobtrusive as possible, she is still in need of care. And it is tireing for hubs and I as we are her entertainment ( after all she can't be alone all the time) her driver and her CG. And we don't need her money. If you need the money to buy the house, I agree this is not a good idea.. you will be in a terrible position if he needs to be moved for a higher level of care. What happens when you have children? Things that sound good now may not be so good down the road..

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is there anyone can give a positive answer? So if the situation that he needs someone to take care of him comes, who will take care him? We are not suffering for money, but nursing home is expensive, and I know he will never want to be there. My husband is only child, his mom passed away. There is no choise for me to avoid..

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You want positive answers, or you want the truth? When someone needs to take care of your FIL, he can hire in home help. Or he can apply for Medicaid and live in a Skilled Nursing Facility. We always, always, ALWAYS have choices in life, with every single thing we do. With every single decision we make. Don't box yourself in, telling yourself things like 'there is no choice for me to avoid.'

If you want out of this, NOW is the time to speak up. Not after he moves in.

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I will never regret my dad living with me. Yes there were times it was difficult but we muddled THRU it. You don't say how far your FIL lives from you right now? Everyone's family is different. I'm sure you know him well. You never mentioned his age. Dwelling on things usually leads to the inability to make a decision. What changed your mind? Sounds like fear when you don't have anything to be fearful for. There us no way to predict the future. You can plan out different scenarios and when the time comes you'll know. Keep communication open with your husband. Sounds like he thinks you are all for it. You need to talk about your concerns. I say go for it on the house purchase. You and your husband are the ones that count. Each other together will figure things out.

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Thank you for your advice so much, Happy new year.

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You offered and now you say that you have no choice?

Have you already moved him in or have you told him that you are not buying a big house?

You should think about what you are saying in the future, not trying to be rude but, you started all of this.

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Yeah...

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Brandyshin, there are a few red flags here to think about. First, your husband immediately picked up on the idea of living together, as soon as you mentioned it. You didn’t get a real opportunity to talk it through together, it was virtually agreed with no more discussion. That’s not good. Second, you are an immigrant, and most migrants are from places where adult children are expected to do what their parents want, and women are expected to do a lot more than men - of course, not always, but often. Third, this is going to give you and your husband a bigger and more expensive house than you actually need, with all the costs, work and financial vulnerability that comes with it.

Perhaps you could see if your father in law could rent closer to you two, and find out how that goes. What will he and your husband expect from you - visits, care, shopping etc? No-one expects these things to go wrong, but it often comes as a nasty surprise. It’s harder to back out then.

You and your husband could be better off taking a little longer to get used to living and budgeting together, before you make such a big change and live together as a threesome.

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yeah.. I think you are right.. why do I need bigger house..... :( It is not gonna save any money ..

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My husband and I live with my dad. He said he wouldn't bother us. He would have part of the house. And we would have part of the house.
At first things were fine. But later, my dad became more and more demanding. I try to split days for my dad and days for me and my husband. But my dad wants to go every day and night. If my husband and I go out, we hear later that evening, why didn't you take me somewhere. I am working on having some boundaries and trying to stick to them.

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Thank you for sharing your situation.
I think if we have a trouble with some friends, we can just not to see them forever, but parents are different. They gave a birth to us and raised. We might regret that we didn’t do enough for them someday. Even if it is hard and can be tiring sometimes, let’s try to be positive. I totally agree about boundaries :)

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Margaret McKen: "Second, you are an immigrant, and most migrants are from places where adult children are expected to do what their parents want, and women are expected to do a lot more than men - of course, not always, but often."

This. Is this true for your culture? It happens often enough with all cultures, it seems, but it's expected without question from certain cultures.

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Yes, I’m Asian. My grandma and my mom still like that. But the trend is changing. my generation is different. It looks like men do more chores, as least when I see my women friends. Their husbands always cook for them, trying to be sweet.. I don’t know if it is because they are newly married(?) In old days, men was the peroson who worked and made money for house and naturally women had to take care of things home, but a lot of women now work so couples share housechores.. and my husband is happy that I work and make my career path. He thinks that is important for me to live well here..

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If the move has not yet happened and you are determined to go through with it, try to find a (not big) house that has a separate apartment, ideally with its own entrance. Something like this situation-
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NAGqSkjdtsI

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Thank you for sharing the video. I will probably show this to both my husband and FIL. We are not living together yet, we are trying to see how the housing markets are. So it is really important time to decide what kind of house .....! Or any alternatives. Our alternatives we discussed earlier that we downpay for 2nd house and he pays rent for that..

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Interesting idea. A back house would be good for privacy.

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Brandyshin, you say that our parents “gave a birth to us and raised us. We might regret that we didn’t do enough for them someday.” In first world cultures, the length of life has increased dramatically since our grandparents’ day. Here, it used to be the case here that men retired at 65 and often died within a couple of years, while their children were in their 40s. Now, it is common for a parent to live to 95, when their children are in their 70s. The deaths used to be quick – heart attacks, strokes and fewer medical treatments for disease. Now people often linger in very poor health for well over a decade. Their care requirements have changed everything.

We all have regrets about things that could have been different. Unfortunately many people on this site are regretting that they have not lived their own lives fully, because of care responsibilities they took on – and are hoping not to place the same burdens on their own children.

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Thank you for reasonable explanation.

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I am puzzled by your posting. The first thing you mention is desiring to have him move in and collect rent to have a bigger home. Why?

Work and pay for your own home. That’s what we did. Personally, I wanted to earn and pay for things ourselves. Nothing is more satisfying than that.

Also, I wasn’t concerned about even owning a home when I first married. You have only been married for a year. We rented until we had saved enough to buy a home. We didn’t even have two cars.

I would drop my husband off at his carpool. Then drive myself to my job. I’d pick him up after I got off from work at his carpool in the evening.

Did I consider this a pain? Nope! It was my situation and I had the incentive to work hard enough to buy a car at a later date.

Oh, the car that we were driving was a used VW bug that we bought for $900! We never ever lived above our means. We worked hard and saved our money and did not buy anything until we could afford it.

So the first thing I have to say is not to view your father in law as a bank. Secondly, you state that you are not interested in helping him out in any way if he moved in and needed help.

I certainly understand that you have no desire to be his nurse, cook, housekeeping, sitter, companion, etc. What if he decides he would like you to help him out?

I am sure that your father in law is a nice man but trust me, you don’t really know someone until you live with them or work with them. Then you see their true colors!

So my answer is not to put yourself in that situation to begin with because you already know that you would not be happy if he needed your help.

Take my word for it having a family member live in your house adds stress. I did it and would not do it again.

Speak to your husband, tell him you have thought it over and don’t feel it is in your best interest or your father in law’s best interest to cohabitate. He can live in a nice assisted living facility if needed later on down the road.

We have been married for 41 years. We have a big home. We raised two daughters here. We drive nice cars. Does it mean everything in life to me? I am glad that we achieved our goals but my husband and daughters mean the most to me, not my house or cars. In fact, I would love to downsize at this point in my life.

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Hello, Thank you for replying, I’m grateful that I’m getting many good opinions here. Firsr of all, the reason I suggested about moving together and getting some rent from FIL, my FIL said if he gets a house, we can move in there and pay some of it. After I heard that, i had been thinking of it. So that’s why I suggested about moving together after few months since I heard that. the idea came from him. And I knew my husband and FIL wanted to live close together. But there was some mistake. He didn’t mean that, I must have heard wrong things and had been thinking unnecessary whole time, but It looks like my husband is so happy to do it. And FIL kind a like that idea. We are not suffering from money. The situation is becoming thag it is not a matter of saving money anymore..

Living with father in law?

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