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I look after my 85 year old mother with multiple health problems I had to move back to childhood house even same bedroom. I look after my mother 24/7. Anyone else in the same position?
Marie - lots of people here are in the same position, or very similar ones. Why not try reading through the posts and jumping in when something relates to your own situation? Or, post about a particular issue that concerns you and see who jumps in to discuss.
Marie, I moved back in with my parents, too. It's just my mother and me now. You'll probably find many of us who are in the same situation you're in. I live in one of the childhood bedrooms and my rabbit lives in another one. It is like a little apartment separate from the chaos of the rest of the house.
Thank You Carla I am just trying to do some housework & when pain in too much I sit down for a few moments, but I can not sit for long coz I need to finish what I started (stripping my mothers bed) and put them in washer so I can dry them when I get home. At the moment my mother is in the hospital & sometimes that is more trier some then when she is home making messes for me to clean up... LOL I have 4 kids they had just all moved out & I ended up have to come back to my childhood house & bedroom... It seems like I can not do much without having to get ambulance or driving mother to hospital... She is having problems with her catheter.... In Feb she was hospitalized for 18 days & since then I am up at the hospital every week with her.... Just having a bad day .... but thanks for your post... Have a Good Day!! :-))))))
Jessie you are lucky I share a split level house with my mother & she has lived here for 44 yrs & All my stuff in still in another province so what little I have has no place to be put & Mother gets upset at me if I have cook books ect stored on the organ seat.... Thank You For Your Answer Jessie.... this is sort what I needed today.. I am only one person & I am left doing inside house work & Outside work... I was shoveling out road in front of our house we are last house on dead end street.... Anyways I fell broke my wrist on Dec 23 & had surgery Dec 24. and I told doctor & nurse I had to go home & with in 2-3 hours max after surgery I was back at the house... So a plate & 8 screws are in my Writing hand... makes work harder... and I have my own medical problems so it is really tough but I suck it up stay quiet & just do what I can around here..
Marie, I'm sorry to state the obvious but your situation seems far from ideal. I mean specifically that you seem to be having medical problems yourself with pain, and you are attempting to provide 24/7 care to someone who is even more medically fragile than you are.
Have you investigated other alternatives or sources of help? Is your mother eligible for hospice? Is Medicaid a possibility? Or other public services in your mother's location that she might be eligible for?
I realize you are only 53 but it troubles me to hear that you have to sit down due to pain when you're trying to clean up after your mother. Being a 24/7 caregiver is stressful enough without having to deal with some sort of chronic or recurrent pain.
I don't know what province you are in, but there should be a contact agency to help you navigate your mother's home care and long term care options. It sounds as though she is in some sort of health crisis right now and you have jumped in to help out, but it will be better for both of you if you go into this with your eyes wide open. Explore the various possible options available and decide now how much care you are willing to give, and for how long. Be warned, temporary charitable solutions to short term needs can easily slip into years of caregiving.
Thank You Cwillie... I have been doing this for 5 years & I also promised my mother that I would not put her into a home... Trust me my eyes are wide open, but I am trying my best to be a Good caregiver.... I have had a lot of people tell me to put her in a home but I just can't .... I live in Canada and it is hard to even get respite for a few hours.... so I keep plugging along ... I have my good days & Bad days Like today... My mother is also totally deaf in one ear & the other ear is not much better but she has been so weak since she was in the hospital in Feb for 18 days so I can not even get her out of the house to see her doctor let alone to see about a hearing aid that has been refurbished.... But Thank You again for your wonderful words...
I never made that promise to my mother, although I did make it to myself, so if I have to break that promise it will only be to myself. You've been doing this for 5 years, have you been able to earn an income in that time? Are you counting on a large inheritance to pay your way in your own old age, or are you independently wealthy? Use your mother's money to pay for respite care, most ALs or nursing homes offer this. All provinces offer some form of home care (someone who needs a daughter living with her 24/7 should certainly qualify), and extra time can be paid for privately (again, use your mom's resources).
For myself I never promised my parents anything of the sort, but I can see how it would happen. I bet those who did, most made that promise back when the parent was still mobile, still driving, still going to the grocery store and doctor appointments on their own, still meeting up with friends, etc. We never ever expect what the future would hold trying to take care of them. We aren't trained for this job, and many times we ourselves are seniors [I was as my parents were in their 90's].
Thanks for sharing this article, freqflyer. It expresses what I had thought of saying to Marie, but better than I could have said it. I would never make that promise either, and I don't think it's right for parents to ask that of us. They are thinking of how their own lives will change if they have to go to a nursing home, but not about how our lives will change if we have to take care of them 24/7. As many of us have discovered, it's not as easy as setting another place at the table or having to shout when we want to communicate something. I doubt most parents ever envisioned, in their younger years, that their children would need to put their own lives on hold for years on end, wreck their own financial futures, and drive their own health into the ground to provide full-time care. I don't think they would have asked that if they had realized what it meant. So I don't think anyone who made the promise not to put parents in a nursing home should feel bound by it no matter what the change in circumstances.
Thank you for the article freqflyer. I know we are all doing the best we can.
Marie, how are you doing today? I know its hard being a full time caregiver. I too promised my dad I wouldn't put him into a nursing home. But I honestly didn't realize what it meant to be a full time caregiver. As his care escalated the daily routine did feel overwhelming. I was in denial about my own feelings and abilities. I tried to carry on but the anger and resentment can also take a toll.
Marie I hope you will talk to a social worker or access any community resources to help give you a break. I hope home care can arrange some respite care for you. And if things escalate further don't hesitate to consider assisted living or a nursing home for your mom. I know its not an easy choice but you have to consider your own health as well. Thinking of you.
I take care of my mother and work full time It's a lot. I never made the promise to her but it is HER expectation, in her words I owe her this. I had to finally make the decision this weekend to put a deposit on an assisted living facility. She's mad, I feel guilty but then think back to everything that has happened and know it's the right things.
I hope things are better for you and that you get some time for yourself.
Cwillie Thanks for your response, no big inheritance, not wealthy & no it has got to the point that a nightshift job that I was going for I had to turn down. I have a baby monitor in my mom's room & mine, so if & when I do sleep I can hear if my mom needs me at night. She doesn't like when I am not around it has gotten worse over the years, it could be due to her oldest daughter not talking to her or it could also be due to all the medical stuff going on. Her brain works OK she still can do her bills at the end of each month (yes I do double check so far so good keeping fingers crossed) There is a group of community people (head nurse, social worker, & home care just for the catheter) that I have a home care worker comes twice a day to help wash her & change & clean catheter, yes I can get 3 hours a week in respite but my mom doesn't want anyone else in house she wants to see if she would be OK on her own, but she would be calling me all the time & I just can not ignore her calls, not since she took a fall just outside patio door (she says she tripped on slippers, I don't agree but oh well.. lol) and just last week she went down to basement 6 steps & she couldn't make it up the last step. She has not gone down since. I had her house set up with a ramp, chair for the upstairs going to bedrooms & walk in shower all done through government grant. I am Very Thankful now for all 3 of those things. So as much as I get told to just go out & take time for myself I honestly don't think I can I would be worried the whole time about what is happening with her & wouldn't be able to enjoy myself. My 4 kids always came before me & it is the same way with my mother. That has been me for my whole life. Wishing Everyone A Great & Peaceful Week!!!! Take Care All!! Thank You Very Much Everyone For Being Here for Me, It has Helped More Then I can Say!!!! ((((((( HUGE HUGS ALL)))))))
I am in your situation exactly. Mom is 85 with essential tremors or Parkinson (depends on the doctor ). She is a very anxious person with many physical ailments and moderate dimentia. I transfer her from bed to wheelchair to bathroom. She cannot straighten her back or legs. She cannot sit up straight. It is a 24/7 job with exception only for quick trips to grocer and pick up meds. With the baby monitor my only help, I sleep 3 or 4 hours a night and go through the days in misery. I love my Mother dearly. I want to do right by her. But it is the hardest job on the planet and at 61 I worry about what's ahead for me. No job, no savings, divorced and estranged from my only sister (her choice to walk out on both Mother and me). Its scary. Mom and I live on her SS and small VA pension. I left my house and my belongings to stay here in my old bedroom. I slept at home last in mid 2014. I live in constant fear that Mom will pass and guilt that I would love just 1 day without worrying about anything. Like I said my sister quit us a few years ago and my only brother can't help because he has a penis....he feels helping Mom with the bathroom would be too embarrassing for them both. I hope I don't sound petty or resentful. I am not. None of this is Mom's fault. She took care of me. Now it's my turn
Scaredtaker....what do you mean by working per diem? Are you paid to take care of your parents? It is rough. I can't imagine being sole caregiver for both parents.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Anyone else in the same position?
Just having a bad day .... but thanks for your post...
Have a Good Day!! :-))))))
Thank You For Your Answer Jessie.... this is sort what I needed today..
I am only one person & I am left doing inside house work & Outside work...
I was shoveling out road in front of our house we are last house on dead end street.... Anyways I fell broke my wrist on Dec 23 & had surgery Dec 24. and I told doctor & nurse I had to go home & with in 2-3 hours max after surgery I was back at the house... So a plate & 8 screws are in my Writing hand... makes work harder... and I have my own medical problems so it is really tough but I suck it up stay quiet & just do what I can around here..
Have you investigated other alternatives or sources of help? Is your mother eligible for hospice? Is Medicaid a possibility? Or other public services in your mother's location that she might be eligible for?
I realize you are only 53 but it troubles me to hear that you have to sit down due to pain when you're trying to clean up after your mother. Being a 24/7 caregiver is stressful enough without having to deal with some sort of chronic or recurrent pain.
Use your mother's money to pay for respite care, most ALs or nursing homes offer this. All provinces offer some form of home care (someone who needs a daughter living with her 24/7 should certainly qualify), and extra time can be paid for privately (again, use your mom's resources).
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/i-promised-my-parents-i-d-never-put-them-in-a-nursing-home-133904.htm keep scrolling down the page, and there are over 100 replies to this article.
For myself I never promised my parents anything of the sort, but I can see how it would happen. I bet those who did, most made that promise back when the parent was still mobile, still driving, still going to the grocery store and doctor appointments on their own, still meeting up with friends, etc. We never ever expect what the future would hold trying to take care of them. We aren't trained for this job, and many times we ourselves are seniors [I was as my parents were in their 90's].
Marie, how are you doing today? I know its hard being a full time caregiver. I too promised my dad I wouldn't put him into a nursing home. But I honestly didn't realize what it meant to be a full time caregiver. As his care escalated the daily routine did feel overwhelming. I was in denial about my own feelings and abilities. I tried to carry on but the anger and resentment can also take a toll.
Marie I hope you will talk to a social worker or access any community resources to help give you a break. I hope home care can arrange some respite care for you. And if things escalate further don't hesitate to consider assisted living or a nursing home for your mom. I know its not an easy choice but you have to consider your own health as well. Thinking of you.
I take care of my mother and work full time It's a lot. I never made the promise to her but it is HER expectation, in her words I owe her this. I had to finally make the decision this weekend to put a deposit on an assisted living facility. She's mad, I feel guilty but then think back to everything that has happened and know it's the right things.
I hope things are better for you and that you get some time for yourself.
Thanks for your response, no big inheritance, not wealthy & no it has got to the point that a nightshift job that I was going for I had to turn down. I have a baby monitor in my mom's room & mine, so if & when I do sleep I can hear if my mom needs me at night. She doesn't like when I am not around it has gotten worse over the years, it could be due to her oldest daughter not talking to her or it could also be due to all the medical stuff going on. Her brain works OK she still can do her bills at the end of each month (yes I do double check so far so good keeping fingers crossed)
There is a group of community people (head nurse, social worker, & home care just for the catheter) that I have a home care worker comes twice a day to help wash her & change & clean catheter, yes I can get 3 hours a week in respite but my mom doesn't want anyone else in house she wants to see if she would be OK on her own, but she would be calling me all the time & I just can not ignore her calls, not since she took a fall just outside patio door (she says she tripped on slippers, I don't agree but oh well.. lol) and just last week she went down to basement 6 steps & she couldn't make it up the last step. She has not gone down since. I had her house set up with a ramp, chair for the upstairs going to bedrooms & walk in shower all done through government grant. I am Very Thankful now for all 3 of those things. So as much as I get told to just go out & take time for myself I honestly don't think I can I would be worried the whole time about what is happening with her & wouldn't be able to enjoy myself.
My 4 kids always came before me & it is the same way with my mother. That has been me for my whole life.
Wishing Everyone A Great & Peaceful Week!!!!
Take Care All!!
Thank You Very Much Everyone For Being Here for Me, It has Helped More Then I can Say!!!!
((((((( HUGE HUGS ALL)))))))