Looking for any advice when caring for my father (80) who is angry at the world.

I haven't read through all the answers to your dilemma, but you've gotten some good feed-back so far. My FIL had a stroke several years back, to avoid conflict, he left rehab to live with one son an hour away from home, instead of with us, who are next-door and he'd spent lots of time with us and our kids, and where he considered "home" as much as his own. We provided respite care with long weekends 2x month and weeks so they could take vacation. With us, he was the same (almost) as always, with a little confusion. With them, he acted out, wouldn't eat well, "chased" her (SIL) around the kitchen island (he didn't care for her much) and was disrespectful to her... kinda funny now, but she didn't think so then! I think it was his way to try to express some sort of control over his situation. Having made a move closer to family with children (6,9,13,15) is a challenge to adjust in itself, plus you're adding his need to adjust. Time, space, and appropriate boundaries (for all) will help. Communication (if he is able) to put concerns in open may help. When my adult daughter/family moved next door (into his old house!) I asked her after a year, what's the good/bad of living next door to Mama and Daddy? ... she responded and turned the question to me, too. We had good discussion and modified our expectations. I might not get good conversation from other daughters, but it worked with this one. Maybe on a 'good' day, you can open the topic and give him opportunity to speak his thoughts. No response from you at the moment, maybe, as I imagine some of what he says will be hurtful. Some may be valid. But maybe it will give you insight to where he's thinking. Same questions with your children... Then maybe you (all) can move forward with a plan, a sense of control over the situation, and some role definitions. I don't expect he, from what you say, will be able to receive any of your concerns/thoughts, I hope could, and be able to adjust his behaviors/attitude some? ... a funny on that one, though. My FIL, after the stroke, was impulsive with poor time awareness. He loved to sit on the porch and would often just get up to walk out there. - regardless if we could accompany him or not, we would ask him to wait a minute, he'd agree, and then in 30 seconds get up again... One day he did this while I was cooking on the stove. I'd asked him to wait while I finished, he agreed, then almost immediately got up. I turned the stove off, and grabbed my sweater to go out with him. Frustrated, I went to the end of the porch to load some firewood. Each piece, I slammed on the porch just a little harder. After a few minutes of this, he turned to me and said, "I'm sorry if I made you mad." :( my anger immediately melted in embarrassment. But how did he perceive my anger when he couldn't control his impulse and desire to go outside?- just one of those dementia things.

Does anyone really like to age? The answer is a resounding "NO." You may not be able to continue on as it is, e.g. you may have to consider facility living for your father.

Sometimes I think that chickens come home to roost for many of us, because our families put up with a dominant demanding husband and father for far too long. “Nothing was every really good enough and he’s always had high expectations”. When the men had the power, it seemed that the only option for the dependents was to let them get away with it. When they no longer have the power, their behaviour gets even less pleasant, and the younger generations start to see things differently. It’s an interesting comparison with the dynamics about narcissistic demanding mothers. Changing the way we act thirty years later, can be very difficult on both sides.

I haven't read all the responses, but did read through the replies you posted. Like some said, this clearly sounds like dementia of some kind (there are many causes, dementia is the umbrella covering them all.) As noted, sometimes anesthesia after-effects can contribute and it can last for many months. Sometimes the person never gets back to pre-surgery level. UTIs can also cause strange behavior, especially in someone who has already had DX of dementia. Your profile indicates dementia.

"My Granddad is capable of making decisions for the most part. His mental status is very confusing for my mother and I. One minute hes sharp as a tack and the next hes rambling about complete nonsense. He can remember the past like it was yesterday, yet hardly recalls what he ate 3 hours ago. "

This is VERY common of dementia. Sometimes people can fool the doctor or those who don't see them often by "show-timing", which is basically summoning up everything they can to appear "normal." Short term memory is typically the first to go. Remembering the past like it was yesterday, but not what one did/said two minutes ago? Yup. On occasion our mother surprises me by remembering something recent or learning a new thing (pressing the clear button on an LCD screen we bought to help with hearing issues), but for the most part, she repeats herself all the time and can't remember 2, 5 10 minutes ago.

"I dont think he even knows how he really feels. One minute he wants a puppy, the next he doesnt. One minute the private space is a great idea, the next its not. Hes all over the place with his thoughts and emotions that its made me think hes manic-depressive."

I almost laughed at the "wants a puppy" statement. Mom was NEVER a pet person, and tolerated us having a dog and a few other little critters. Given a choice, we would have had none. She can think the little dogs are cute, but doesn't want one. When I went to visit her once, she had torn out a picture of a little white dog and told me she was going to ask my YB to get her one! Poor thing would have either starved to death (she doesn't even remember to water her plants) and/or pooped up her room, as she wouldn't remember to take it out!

"He has both admitted to being depressed as well as admit he is aware of memory issues. Although he goes back and forth and usually chalks it up to old age. We have appointments with a Neurologist as well as a therapist, but both arent until Oct. I am on a call list if something opens sooner. I will be calling back to express my concerns again. "

Mom did at one point admit to having memory glitches, but just said it wasn't often and because she was old she was entitled to forget sometimes!!!  Sometimes mom??? Like you just said the same thing over and over in the last 10-15 minutes??? We didn't harp on it, it wasn't worth it. We also don't mention anything about dementia. In her mind, she is fine. Hopefully the docs can help you identify the issue(s) and find a solution. I did read that you have tried medications. Sometimes it can take trial and error to find the right one(s), if there are any.

"Just recently found out he had a UTI and that it could be what was causing the confusion, but its been going on for months and getting worse as time goes on. I hope the UTI was the cause, but im skeptical at this point."

It could be a both the UTI (despite being medicated, the effects continued for mom until after the whole course was done) and recent surgery. You did say that he was always a bit grumpy, and feedback from the ex indicates his controlling nature. ALL of these could be playing a part. Being skeptical, I will say when I first started on this site I scoffed at all the UTI posts, until it happened to us! She was out of control, typically late afternoon into the evening (started on a Friday, no access to doc!) More recently she was tested for UTI and it didn't affect her demeanor this time, but did result in wetting the bed/extra charges for cleaning up!

Dear people out there who are caretakers for spouses and aging parents, when will you see the light that is out there if you will just open your eyes? Please know that people get together and form relationships and then have families and raise their children to be adults and eventually the children move on and repeat the cycle. This is the way of life. The children must be loved, taught, and aided in their venture to maturity. That is a must if you have children. However, now you are suddenly faced with elderly or sick or mentally ill people who become ugly personalities and are abusive. They have no conception of what they are doing but that does not make it o.k. and should not be overlooked. I truly believe in my heart and soul that every human being who has become an adult must, from early on, think and plan for their own future to the best of their ability. If they don't do this, and are selfish or greedy and just expect someone will be there for them, no matter what they do, they are complete stupid idiots. Then the day comes where loving families out of guilt, or culture, or for whatever reasons take these people into their own homes to be cared for. What they don't realize is the impact that the bad behavior and associated problems will cause for the families. No one, not God, not the devil, and anyone in between, has the right to behave in such a way as to cause harm and destruction to the rest of the family. Families should try every possible idea to help them to the fullest extent possible but when that does not work, and laying the law down to these people that they cannot continue like this, fails, then there is but ONE SINGLE SOLUTION. These people MUST BE REMOVED FROM THE HOME. They cannot be allowed to destroy others. This is just simple common sense - fact of life. Why would anyone remain in a position of danger, discontent or otherwise very bad surroundings? Are they fools? It would appear so. I know money can be a problem but there are attorneys, professionals in aging, and many sources of information and help. One must just make the effort and take the time to find the solutions - they are there. Safety is important for the patient but peace is also important for the family. Sometimes the two just simply are not compatible and with time, it will get much worse. People who are nasty and cause harm cannot be around good, decent people or they will end up destroying them - unacceptable. The above situation is such a case. You cannot reason with them - and they won't listen or change - they either can't or don't want to. Make the break before it is too late. I was a caretaker four times - to my parents, to my husband, and a dear friend for 28 years. I worked full time and it was not easy. I did it out of love and BECAUSE THEY DID NOT EXHIBIT BAD BEHAVIOR. Had they become nasty and abusive, they would have been completely removed from my care and sight - bu not everyone was as lucky as I was to have them keep their good personalities. Wake up people - end it before it is too late.

I would suggest counseling.  I would also suggest outings. How about things he DOES like?  Try those to appease his disposition.  It will take patience and time for the adjustments to be made by everyone.

Curmudgeons tend to get more curmudgeonly as they get older; frustration with their increasing limitations exacerbates their critical attitude toward the world and other people. You are all in the difficult position of trying to be caretakers where there is no appreciation and often abuse. Try not to take the criticism personally. Do what you know is right to keep him safe and clean and don't let his negative attitude discourage you.

Why the ileostomy? Did it fully resolve whatever it was for?

Wow, 4 generations separate GF and his great grandchildren. I can't even imagine what he thinks of these little people that are so very different than he was and his own children. One generation to the next is enough to confuse the hippest parent. He must think he landed on Mars.

I am wondering how your children are being dealt with to cope with the constant belittling. I think that they are the most important ones in this household and they are being scarred by this man. I think that kids don't even realize that words impact them and affect their lives in ways that they don't understand until they are older. Do you see any changes that are being attributed to age, change of location? You will need to keep a close eye, because they will not tell you what they don't understand and it's not always so straightforward. It's the drop after drop of water affect.

Perhaps you need to tell GF that you're not able to continue as things are and present his options. First one stop saying anything nasty to my children, that is a deal breaker. Then let him know he will end up in a facility if he doesn't put some effort into being a better housemate. You know the things that need to change and you need to sit down and explain to him how his actions are affecting everyone and that you can't risk your children and their futures by allowing them to live with all the toxicity and he has the choice to make, either get along or we are gone.

Best of luck, please protect your children from living in a prison home.

Several points...
First, your children right now are trying to adjust. It's been only 1 month. It's too soon to know whether or not it is affecting them in any serious way. In 1 *year* from now, things may not look so rosy to them. Kids pick up on things and can sense when something is wrong. And if he starts picking on their mother, your children may change their tune toward him. Caregiving changes people and again, you're only 1 month into it.

Second, "The house was purchased by him, his name is on the deed and he paid cash for it outright, so no mortgage..." Are your and your husband's names on the deed? As for the Granny Suite, usually it does not need a full kitchen - a kitchenette or Pullman kitchen is sufficient - but if your names aren't on the deed then grandpa shouldn't be the one living in a Granny Suite. Which brings me to...

Third, sit down with your husband and children and ask them what they want, where they want to live, how they see things unfolding over the next year with grandpa, and make a family plan. Life cannot revolve around one person; caregiving must work for everyone involved. And it sounds like your arrangement is not working for everyone. Selling the house and using the proceeds to pay for his longterm care is a good suggestion made by Harpcat. If he doesn't want to sell, put your family first and consider moving out and resettling your family. You can still help him by helping your mother.

In my opinion, it is a bad idea to accept the responsibilities of caregiving without having the authority. Your mother has POA. And his ex-wife still influences him. You are in a power struggle.

He is dealing with loss of control over his life. He cannot do as he likes, when he likes, He is venting his frustration on all of you. Does he have dementia? Some folks with dementia get surly when they see their lack of control slip away or have problems expressing themselves. Watch for physical signs of aggression - hitting, biting, kicking... He may also have depression.

1 - Talk to his doctor about his behavior. He/she may be able to prescribe a mood enhancer to help him relax or deal with depression.

2 - Do not allow him to verbally abuse anyone. Remind him that you are all there to help him.

3 - Try to give him decision-making options appropriate to his condition and your resources: when to have his bath, when to have his coffee, choice of beverage with meals, choice of clothes... NEVER does he want to take a bath (hygiene is not optional), NEVER does he want to take his medications (he needs them for optimal health)...

4 - If his behavior causes unrelieved emotional distress to the family and isn't resolved, consider placing him in a residential facility. My daughter's MIL took care of all 4 senior parents and 2 were verbally abusive. It shattered her self confidence. She is still emotionally fragile to this day.

Let him Vent, Ignore him. Eventually, Like My Mad Dad, It wore off. Try and Cheer him up.
Your family are Angels, God Bless you.xxoo

Sometimes when I find myself in a situation like yours, I use “reframing to gain a fresh perspective.

Would it help you to consider that however angry, ornery, negative and cranky he as in in his and your younger lives, the REAL bottom line now, in the present, is that he has dementia, and that no one including him can predict or anticipate what he’s going to say?

For his caregivers, that means taking ANYTHING he says with a grain of salt, including his demands his hostility, and his compliments.

My LO vacillates wildly in her demeanor between one day and the next. In her “well” life, she was a complex, loving, regimented sometimes harsh woman who loved her family fiercely and criticized liberally.

She was who she was then, and she is who she is now.

Maybe your dad, however different now, just is who he is too.

It is only going to get worse..have you considered a nursing home? Caring for a demanding parent can really destroy your life. My mom never complained, but her care is all consuming and I sacrificed my life for her. Soon your father will require that kind of care. Trust me I know.

If he is still "with it" you may want to convey that information and seek a nursing home due to constant complaining and you just can't take it anymore. Doing this will set behavior limits and he may learn to stop. If not, then see a social worker about placement because nothing you do will please him.

You definitely need to have him evaluated for dementia, but following surgery, things like perfusion or even anesthesia can impact ones endocrinology for months after the surgery. Both can be evaluated by a internist who will probably refer him to a specialist depending on the diagnosis.

it could also just be a case of old age, and feeling the need to be significant. He probably feels a bit useless now that the tables are turned and the younger family members are doing the work of caring for him. This is frightening to him and makes him feel he is not in control (he is not, but that does not change how he feels).

If he is showing signs of dementia, things will not get better, but by educating yourself, you will be able to help him and your family cope with the miserable process dementia inflicts! (My Dad is 91 and we have been dealing with dementia for 4 years now.)

Hang in there and keep hoping. Change is hard, but can be rewarding.

I am 61 And angry at the world

It sounds like your GF has *something* neurological going on. It sounds like more than depression, though that could be in the mix. I'm betting you'll find out it's a mixture of things. I would be concerned enough about these transient episodes of confusion that I'd do what I could to move up the appointment. See if you can get imaging ordered even before the appointment.

He may even be aware that something is going wrong but unwilling to admit it (to himself or anyone else); the stress of that could be making his already crusty personality even more crusty.

You sound like a very thoughtful, kind person - to have turned your whole life and your family's life upside down to take care of him. It's a massive adjustment for all of you. Best of luck - and I hope you can get a neuro appt sooner than later. Tell the doc or front desk that you're "very concerned about transient lapses in his cognition" - that might get results. (Best case, you've ruled out something dangerous and he can get on the right path for treament.)

Your GF definitely exhibits signs of dementia in my opinion. A doctor should do a mental assessment when he is next seen. You mentioned he might be depressed and yes he probably is with all this life changes, surgery etc.
However, what is complicating this is that he bought the home you moved into. So you are benefiting financially from the arrangement by not having a mortgage and therefore you don’t have any cards to hold. You can’t kick him out and if you leave, then what? Until I read that I had some suggestions but that changes things. You don’t hold the power, he does. That doesn’t give him a right to treat you or family this way, but he is not going to get nicer...their bad traits only get amplified with age and dementia. Right now you’re in the stage to try and make this work, but sadly as he continues to deteriorate, you will find your life with him getting harder and less tolerable. An antidepressant might work...it really helped my dad's negativity and was a condition I set before he could move to be near me. You too could try having conditions. You could say GF I can’t do this anymore unless you try an antidepressant and being kinder. Then you would have to stick to that and move out and buy your own home.

NugeIN, thank YOU for taking the time to respond to my post. I lived much the same life as you are now with my in-laws, who were business owners and also, as I mentioned, my mother, who like your GF, was a negative person all her life and also would have tried to run the show if she’d lived with my husband and me.

If your father has any stage or type of dementia, trying to explain anything to him most likely will be fruitless. As we always say here, his “brain is broken”. He cannot process discussions and explanations. It’s best to have him evaluated so you know what you’re dealing with and what’s down the road for him. A formal, professional evaluation and diagnoses is the only way. To me, it sounds like he may have some cognitive issues and should be evaluated, if for no other reason than you all need to know what’s ahead for you.

However, if he has no cognitive issues and this is just his personality, you are engaging in a battle of the wills with him. When you decided to combine households, I’m certain none of you, including him, knew what it would be like. As for the Ex, she is playing Devil’s Advocate with him. If he tells her you said something, she will take the opposite stance just to stir things up. Does she have any access to his finances? When you purchased this house, did you use any of his money? Is his name on the deed? Is it HIS house?

I do understand GF’s wishes about not going to a facility. There are many members here who feel all facilities are horrific hellholes. Some are. But most aren’t. With family involvement and supervision, his care would be more than OK.

GF sounds like he is becoming bitter. cranky and is probably depressed. Being there myself right now, I’m sure this wasn’t the way he envisioned his “twilight years”. However, you and your family don’t need to become totally subservient to him. You are not his employees from the Marriot. That part of his life is in the past. His grandchildren need to show him love and respect, but they should be allowed to make their own good decisions and even mistakes. This is how they learn. Everything they do should not hinge on Grandpa’s advice and approval.

Consider this idea if you will. You don’t say much about his prognosis, but if he is going to make progress and at some point would be able to move to Assisted Living, perhaps that would be an idea. The idea of living on his own, if he is not happy in your family situation, may give him the impetus he needs to make enough progress to be semi-independent.

You can also give consideration to home health care. GF will need, at some point, to relinquish some of his control. For help with that, talk to his doctor.

Two things:

Any pain issues? What was the surgery?

Then, going through the additional history, I screeched to a halt when I realised it was *Grandpa* who went through the divorce, and then I have to ask - why? Why did his wife, of whom he remains fond and trusting, leave? What I'm wondering is if there are underlying issues that didn't get taken into account during the enthusiastic planning stages; perhaps because they didn't seem relevant to the different family structure, or because the family was rallying to him at that time and therefore might have overlooked problems which seemed too much like harsh criticisms. How long were he and the ex-wife married?

So he objects to the way the children are being raised, which to me harks back to his role as an executive level manager, accustomed to giving orders, making high level decisions, and having a staff to support him but not control or manage him.    W/o realizing it, he may view the children as employees, subject to his decision making.

He's had a lot of challenges lately.   His independence and health have been compromised, he's had to move from his home of decades, and instead of also being the dominant control in his abode, he's now more or less a live-in guest, unaccustomed to being guided, controlled or managed (which is probably how he sees it.)

His relationship with your family is equally important.    I'm wondering if the children can bring down the level of interaction to one of just discussing common issues, or even playing games that aren't contentious or hostile (like the violent games).    I'm trying to think of a way they can interact as people and not as relatives, just by doing something that doesn't invoke criticism or judgment. 

Even walking would be helpful for all, even if he uses a rollator, although I'm not sure that introducing assistive devices at this stage of the game would contribute to making him feel better about himself.   

Are there any subjects on which your older children could ask advice?  And appeal to his experience and knowledge base?    Maybe even just an explanation of the overall food purchasing and delivery system for  a large hospitality company?   

If they're taking math, I would think that ordering and quantity prediction for unknown numbers of people would fall into his experience somewhere.   And perhaps the children could adapt that to whatever math class they're taking.  It is in fact basically a predictive math (and distribution) issue.

On the STEM curriculum, technology could be another subject to discuss.   Your children are probably tech savvy, so they might ask him about how Marriott adapted to the tech revolution, how it uses tech to predict, order, and manage the food supply.    And how it uses tech devices to ensure prompt and accurate delivery,on a daily basis.   How did technology change, for better, his role at Marriott?

Help him bring out his knowledge and share it.   Find the common grounds and cultivate them.

But generally, I can understand his resistance and hostility.    Perhaps you and your husband and the older children can have meetings outside and away from him and list the issues as well as how each is manifested, then work on solutions, subtly so that he's not aware he's the subject of discussion,.

For the control and management issue, the first thing I would do is see if there's a SCORE group in the area.  https://www.score.org/find-location can help you with this.   It's an organization of retired executives, with I believe one goal being to help guide young potential businesspeople and offer advice.    I'm sure he could offer a great deal of advice from experience in the hospitality industry, or even perhaps to a school system or Senior Center managing food service.  (Perhaps he could volunteer to help fledgling SCs set up MOW programs.)

He needs something to rebuild and compliment his ego.   (I think we all do, at some time or another!)    He might be less critical if he feels better about himself.  He can also volunteer to be a mentor to others.  

I'm reserving judgment on his confusion, as to whether or not dementia is involved.  I know from personal experience that when I'm stressed and in a situation out of my control, I tend to get confused as well.   I have to step back, cancel all the plans, get a good book and read, or just go out and work in the garden.   I've found that cutting down trees is a good way to redirect stress and diminish mental confusion.

I'd like to think more about this; I think I'm missing a few things, but hopefully what I've suggested so far could be helpful.

All sorts of red flags are going up for me, NugeJN. Your grandfather has dementia and no amount of reasoning will work to change his behavior toward you or anybody else including his ex-wife in whom he confides.

Do you have durable power of attorney for him both medical and financial?

You must protect your children and your marriage. In my opinion, it is a bad idea to thrust any child - and 15/16 are still children especially nowadays when maturity is delayed - into the role of caregiving for him. Children should be socializing with their friends. You have asked them to "tone it down" in their own home. You have moved your children how far from their old friends? And what are two teens going to do when he picks on their younger siblings? Teenagers are not prepared to deal with all that comes with dementia.

Your grandfather's dementia is only going to get worse. I don't know the ins and outs of Medicaid, the implications of having purchased a home with him, and your options if/when his disease becomes unmanageable. At the very least, it sounds to me as though he needs his own space that is divided from the rest of the home so that you can better manage him and the rest of your family can have the privacy and freedom they deserve. Can you create a "granny suite" for him?

Your father has been through quite a lot recently according to your profile. He is newly divorced and has health issues, Has he left his home (of many years?) to move in with a family which he may not quite feel a part of yet? The children are young? If they are normal, active children, they may be annoying to him by just being active and normal. Most people of his age just want peace and quiet and to be in their own homes. This apparently is not possible for your father.

Did your daughter and her family relocate to live with him? Or is he living with them? Or was this a home purchased for them all to live together? Whose decision was this arrangement? Was your father totally on board with the decision? My mother thought she was going to live with me, too. #1 My husband said no way and I didn’t disagree. #2 We had 2 dogs and 3 cats at the time and she was not a big fan. Complaints about the animals would have been continuous. #3. I babysat frequently for my two preschool and toddler age grandsons. They were, and still are, my heart and soul. But again, Mom would have been very vocal about my time spent with them and not her. Mom was stubborn and could be nasty and snarky. That would not have changed. I realized this and when I was told she could no longer live alone, she went to a facility. Of course I felt guilty, but as her dementia progressed, I knew I made the right decision.

If your father is of sound mind, it’s perfectly ok to remind him that nastiness and making continual demands to be “served” are not acceptable. Just like any other member of the household, he is to remember his manners, be kind and be patient. He is not an easily broken china doll and when he is being nasty, he has no concern for other’s feelings. When you remind him to be patient and “use your manners, Dad.” you do not need to fearfully tiptoe.

Can you tell us if this is a change in your father, or if he is much the way he has always been? Also, is your father suffering from any Dementia, or is he well able to understand when you speak together?