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My father had physical problems but not dementia. Late one night I went to his apartment. He had had a bowel movement and his back end was covered with it. He was very introverted and super modest. He wanted to wait for the aide the next morning, but I finally talked him into letting me clean him, fearing he would be in discomfort. After that he let me care for him very intimately. Usually, I could find a man to take him in his wheelchair into the men's room. Ever since I have wondered if I did the right thing feeling that he just suffered in silence. Anyone else solved these different sex problems?

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In the grand scheme of things, gender roles are irrelevant when hygiene is necessary as it was with your dad. He may have felt a bit uncomfortable having you clean him up, but think how uncomfortable he would've felt had he developed sores or an infection from NOT being cleaned properly. Do you think nurses in hospitals think of "sex problems" when attending to their patients, or do they just do the job before them without thinking about the type of genitals that need cleaning?

You did the right thing with your father bc the right thing was getting the man cleaned up properly, and that's that. Don't give it another thought.
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Geaton777 Sep 2022
Lea, there are other practical issues, such as the size and strength of both the LO and the aid to consider.
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I have cleaned up family members because they needed help & I happened to be there.

Sure I would be embarrassed, but ultimately thankful if it reversed.

As a one-off personal care helper I agree with Lea - think no more about it.

If the situation is arriving for a permanent personal care helper role, I'd look for alternatives.
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If at all possible I would have a male as an aid for him. Other issues can arise with opposite gender aids, such as infatuation or inappropriate talk or touch (and I realize you said your father doesn't have dementia so less a concern).

Another temporary solution could be the installation of a bidet, which he could use himself to do some of his own cleanup. There are many "add on" models that retrofit to existing toilets.

I've told my sons that in no way do I want them to be doing that for me themselves if at all possible.
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Yup, my dad was super modest and I was uncomfortable with cleaning. It happens and you both get past it. Honestly, just let any preconceptions go and get to the clinical view of: I have to clean this poop and pee. That's pretty much the sum of it. There's no modesty when there's poop smeared on stuff.
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