Mentally ready to die... How do we deal with this?

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Mentally ready to die... How do we deal with this?

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My mother just turned 100 and is physically in great shape. She has struggled with depression for the last 7 years. She is already on anti-depressants. She lives independently in a senior facility. Up until her birthday 2 weeks ago she was active and social. She is now ready to check out (did the same thing in April, but we were able to get her to rally), wondering why she is still here and she is ready to go. We believe she will stop eating and drinking to hasten her death--which will take a while and be painful as she is otherwise healthy, which has been explained to her. How do we deal with this? One family member is checking in on her every day and the distant ones call all the time. We've done all the love, care and pep talk. Can we let her have her way and how can we make it not be painful or stressful. We feel like our backs are up against a wall and don't know how to let Mom pass peacefully when it is not her time.

Care Decisions End of Life

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Hospice evaluation asap. If she's ready to go, make it a peaceful process

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As the years have gone by, and I've watched family members pass away, I have noticed a similar pattern.
My grandfather decided at age 96, that he was done. He hated that he had lost so much independence, couldn't work outside anymore, couldn't drive, and his days just lost meaning. I think the final blow was when he lost control of his bowels and messed himself. He decided he didn't want to go on anymore. He stopped eating and passed away 10 days later.

When my stepmother was getting close, she also lost control of her bowels, she was SO humiliated. I was there and when we had to clean her up, nobody shamed her or even showed anything negative, but she said, "I never dreamed I would ever get to this point." She hadn't been eating much for about a week. We cared for her lovingly, but I think she didn't WANT to go on anymore, and she died 3 days later.

When my stepfather was nearing the end, he had liver cancer and COPD. He wasn't in much pain until just suddenly one Saturday night he was. Hospice ordered pain management, he seemed to be doing OK but was in bed most of the time. By the following Tuesday, he couldn't even get out of bed to go to the bathroom without a 30 minute ordeal of helping and supporting him. He had very little appetite and wasn't eating much. On Thursday he lost control of his bowels and had to be cleaned up in bed with the help of a hospice nurse. Since nobody at home was capable of doing this on a regular basis, we had to have him transported to a nursing home. I knew he would not like this, but we had no choice. My mom has dementia and certainly could not care for him. She would get mad and scream and yell at him for sleeping so much. The next day, I visited, and before I left, I leaned down close to his ear and sang, "Shall We Gather At The River," and told him I loved him, then I left to run some errands and was going to bring my mom back in the evening to visit. Two hours later, I got a call that he had passed away. It was such a shock, we didn't think it would be so quick.

In all 3 cases, they lost control of their bowels, were totally humiliated but not at all shamed, they knew they were loved. My grandfather took the longest, but still, 10 days is not long and it wasn't a long, lingering painful experience for any of them. The pain was managed well, and then they slipped away. Sometimes, they just know there is no point in hanging on.

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Hopefully as the holiday activities kick in she will feel happier about being alive, but sometimes the holidays can make people feel more lonely. Try to visit her as much as possible, with your positive and loving attitude. Would some talk therapy or counseling from a trusted counselor help? This may be covered by Medicare.

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My grandmother expressed she was "ready to go" emphatically at times over the last decade of her life. She would say things daily like, "I don't know why Jesus hasn't taken me yet!" I cared for her in her last year (102-103yo) but she had been saying this kind of thing for many, many years. I don't think expressing this means anything, except there is some depression and frustration and it's for good reason. If it's a sudden change in behavior, you can have her evaluated for additional psychiatric supports. Keep loving on her and provide her with fun visits where you play music from her younger years with her and talk about her memories to cheer her up. Nothing you do or don't do at this time really has any impact on her decline and death, and if she decides to stop eating that's her choice... you can deal with it if it happens. Death is likely going to be slow no matter what she does, but hopefully not painful.

Just an aside about my own situation: my grandmother didn't want any food in the month before her death and I made the regrettable mistake of trying to force her to take a little soup at times. I didn't know any better at the time but I promise you, you don't want to go that route because it made our last few weeks together unhappy for her and I hate that I did that instead of just being there with her and comforting her. Accept the decisions your mom makes and hold her hand along the way.

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Great advice.

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Good heavens.

Getting to 100 and still being in "great shape physically" (great shape? - or great shape for 100?) is a heck of an achievement, and I for one hope that she will make it to 110, but this brilliant lady doesn't owe anyone anything. *Let* her have her own way? What business have you to challenge her?

Talk to your mother about anything you like as long as it's nothing to do with her being ready to check out, or about how painful and protracted her death will be if it's from starvation alone, or about how the family feels about losing her. She is thank God still functioning in a big wide world. Open up her perspective again by inviting her to comment and participate.

Who does she normally socialise with?

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WhatNow100: Imho, she will pass when it is her time.

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My mom, who is 96, often quotes a dear, dear friend of hers who was in her late 90’s at the time: “I am ready to go.” She truly admired her friend for knowing when she was ready to go. This is my mom’s way of telling me to give her the dignity of letting her go when she is ready. It is her life, not mine, and I feel fortunate to have had my mom for so many years.

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If it is her time, the body slows down and the sleeping will increase and the appetite goes down. They aren't really suffering as nature takes care of that. Don't fight her wishes or behavior. Let her know you are there and you love her. That is all anyone can do. She'll pass in peace when it is her time.

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At 100 your mom has lost so much. I suspect it’s upsetting to you all that she’s not wanting to hang in and live for her family. It sounds like she’s ready to go and it’s time for you to release her. As people get close to dying, their need to eat and drink diminishes and it’s not really distressing for them. Nature takes care of that.

My uncle was a surgeon and at 88 ended up in a nursing home due to health issues and my aunt couldn’t take care of him. His mind was clear and he got to the point where he saw it was time to go. He stopped eating and drinking which was very upsetting to his kids. But it was his choice and they had to accept it. At some point we have to accept death and make it as peaceful as possible for our loved one. It’s very painful for us but loving for them.

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I have seen this many times in seniors homes.
Men and women just get tired of living and give up. Yes it is a slow painful death and painful to watch. There is nothing anyone can do.
All of her friends are dead, most of her family is dead, she is not independent. They just want to give up

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If you think that mom may engage in self-harm, please talk to her psychiatrist. She may need to spend a little time in an inpatient setting to work through this episode of depression.

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This is what Scott Nearing did, co-author with his wife, Helen Nearing, of the back to nature, Thoreau-style book "Living the Good Life".

See https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scott_Nearing#Death.

The Wikipedia article seems to indicate there were some problems with Nearing's fasting death and provides a reference.

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Has she actually stopped eating and drinking?

Did she mention this or were your beliefs projected on her?

I am not trying to be rude by asking, just curious based on your wording.

Honestly, I would rather see a loved one pass peacefully then in misery and fear of what comes next. I think that she is very old and knows that her time is near, she has lived the greatest part of her life, even if she lives another 10 years, she is near her end. Acknowledge that.

She will die when it is her time and not a moment sooner. So stop worrying about what you can't control. It doesn't do any good and can be harmful to you physically.

It sounds like she is having struggles when the seasons change, have you asked her doctor about what can be done to help with the seasonal episodes? Maybe nothing can be done but it doesn't hurt to research it.

Best of luck coming to terms with losing your mom. It is a hard thing to experience but, it is just part of living and happens to us all.

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I would try senior’s daycare and see if that helps. The programs that they run are great, and pretty cheap (the one in my community is just $50 a day including lunch and snacks). They do exorcises, music and art therapies, various social times, and pet therapy as well. It might do her good to get out of the house and in a new space. If you reach out to your local seniors center, they would know of ones in your area, and probably offer discounted transportation for the elderly as well (there’s one in my community that offers $3 rides in town).

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Lizbitty...what great suggestions you had given! I totally agree - it's worth trying - in fact, I previously researched this for my 88 year old aunt - and there are some states/ larger cities that actually offer senior activities /daycare that the city provides and subsidizes, so the costs are really low. In my aunt's case, spending a half day at the senior center only charges a one-time annual membership fee for $50 - they provide lunch, yoga classes, art classes, social activities, lectures, etc - and it's really helped her mind, body and spirit.

I tried to pay close attention to what was said in the post and what struck me is that her mother is thankfully in "Great Health..and has been social and active up until the last 2 weeks" - subsequently right after her birthday, her mood changed - and she's now "wondering why is she still here and she is ready to go."

I don't think it's that uncommon - even for someone younger than the poster's mother - and especially after a significant birthday or holiday...and to question why they're still here and what's left....I think the chance to turn that around is to come up with ideas that may bring some joy and purpose - whatever that may be. I know that's not always easy, but at least I think it's worth a try.

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She sounds lonely . I can’t even imagine what 100 feels like - good for her . Lots of great advice given ! Not many people make it to
100
God Bless her

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Locate other centenarian, healthy upbeat ones, and ask them or their caregivers if you can get a small bunch of them together for a tea, (or arrange a just one at a time visit), with gentle music from their 20's and 30's. Perhaps call a small local newspaper to make a little fuss about it. Keep the contacts and ask your Mom if she'd like to visit that person or them again.
Or get yourself a tiny puppy, and put it in your Mom's lap with every visit.
My dad use to get a lift watching children on jungle gyms, swings and running through sprinklers.
All the best.

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I believe even tho it may not be ya's time, it is your mom's time and she has let ya'll know that.
She has lived a good long life and maybe she doesn't think the life she's living is that good any more.
Ya'll should let her know you love her and will miss her, but you understand and will honor her wishes.
Nursing Homes/Senior Homes are rarely what they present to you when you're being shown around as a prospective Client.
Mout are understaffed and not a nice place to live.
Mom might think differently if she were able to go live in the home of one of her children.

Before death everyone will start eating and drinking less.

Prayers that she dies peacefully in her sleep.

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This, unfortunately, is bang on.

I have seen it many times in seniors homes.

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Give her a task like recalling all of her life so that you have it either written down or give her a recorder to tell you the stories. Having that is awesome. Knowing the stories of her life will help future generations in the family. Tell her you need it for a project that one of the grandkids need. I bet she can tell some good stories of the family and what she went thru as a child in the years.

My mother who is 86 recalls all the stories as a child what she went thru. Its hard for her to see what the world is becoming. Maybe that is what your mother is experiencing.

I hope you can get thru to her. Prayers.

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My mother is 95, in good health and is in the same position. Every day she asks why is she living. She can't see, barely hears, wears diapers and everyone of her siblings, in-laws and friends have gone before her. She says she has no one to remember with. This is the saddest statement I've ever heard. In looking at my own life, I have decided that I will not be her. This is stressful for her, but also on my brother and I and our families. I don't want to repeat this for my children. Knowing she wants to die and talking about it incessantly takes a toll on us and our families. Although this is not for some, I have already decided to use the VSED approach https://compassionandchoices.org/end-of-life-planning/learn/vsed/ when I feel I am no longer a productive member of my family, whether through terminal illness or just being done with life. Palliative Care can make the process less painful. Godspeed to you and your mom.

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It's easy to imagine what you will do when you are 95. But you are not your mother and you don't know what you will think at her age...if you reach her age! Every age has difficulties of it's own.

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I don’t think it’s a good idea to promote your mom’s suicide. My father will be 96 in a week and just got a healthy report card from his doctor. My dad is not happy with his life but is not thinking suicide and even though he’s not religious, he knows he will go when his time has come. Your mother will pass when her time comes. I believe as long as she is on the physical plane, she has lessons to learn and it is morally wrong to abort them by suicide. I don’t think you should encourage suicide.

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TOTALLY AGREE with you peacefulness.
:)

i think one thing that helps, whatnow100...you've probably already thought of this...is planning nice things to look forward to!

we all need that.
something around the corner, happening soon, that makes us happy.

there are situations, when life is sooo unbearable (physically/mentally), but your mother doesn't sound like she's in this situation.

maybe she needs some magic to look forward to!
i really agree with micheleDL's suggestion of a puppy :).
how about her favorite food?
meeting a celebrity she's always wanted to meet/speak to?

xmas is coming soon.
hugs to everyone on this website!!!
:)

bundle of joy :)

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Great shape for 100 is still 100. I am sure it is hard to hear that someone you love is tired and wanting to go and for your sake perhaps she will change her mind. But having celebrated her 100th birthday I can only imagine all the people she has loved and lost in her life. In the passed 100 years the world has changed so very much; she probably , even if healthy has a very difficult time functioning in todays society, let alone the physical and emotional toll of so many things and people changing. Tell her you love her, support her decisions and enjoy whatever time she still has.

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There are some great answers posted. If she stops eating and drinking then I would call hospice and get her Palliative care and make her comfortable till she passes. If she's made up her mind there's really nothing that you should and can do to stop it. I think you should just be there with her as much as possible and let her go. You might want to talk to a minister or counselor about this.

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What does she want?

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There is a point when continuing to live takes an act of will. This is why people will pass away on or shortly after their birthdays, or a significant holiday or anniversary. They were holding on to reach such a point, then feel they can let go. If your mother has reached that point at age 100, accept it kindly and graciously, without arguing with her or trying to make her hold on longer. But life, and the will to live, is tenacious, so she may choose to rally again if she starts to feel herself fading. It happens. Try to relax and enjoy the time with her without fretting either way.

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Perhaps you should be asking why you and your family are taking this approach.   Your mother is the only one in a position to really know how she feels, how her body feels and reacts, and its limitations.   And you might consider who gains from her continued life - does she need any more of what she's experiencing, or is it the family that feels her life should be prolonged any further?

It's her life and her decision, not the family's, although I'm sure she appreciates and welcomes support, even if it doesn't mesh with her own plans.

I think I would focus more on recalling how much she means to you, let her know she's appreciated, she's given you great life lessons, etc.   Let her go with those positive feelings, not ones that instill guilt b/c she's ready to be through with life.

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I mean really??? Your mother is 100 years old for Pete's sake. Most people don't make it to anywhere near 100, so if she's now wanting to go home, for crying out loud, let the poor women go home. I'm sure that at 100 years old, she is more than tired, and ready to leave this world for the next. I know that I would be.
I find it extremely selfish that you and her family members want her to continue living, because you don't think it's her time.
News flash!!! Only God knows the day and the time that He will call her home, so please let your mother be, and let her die on her own terms and not yours.

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That was rude. There was a heartfelt question being asked here and no call for being called selfish.

After my dad died, my mom went through a short period of wanting to die. I helped her through it and she lived another

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She can do whatever she wants. Let her be, and especially let her feel like she's in control of her own destiny. That might help her feel a little better about her situation, because I'm sure it's exhausting to have family trying to "jolly" you out of your funk when you've outlived every one of your peers.

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Please check out endoflifewa.org for information about VSED, Voluntary Stopping Eating and Drinking. This is legal and the procedure is designed to not be painful due to comfort medications. The person does not have to be in hospice. It is a personal decision that some people choose.

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Thank you, vegaslady! Compassion & Choices is a wonderful organization!

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It seems that someone should be with your mom right now - maybe she's just going thru a difficult few weeks, but it's going to take more than "pep talks" right now. And, it's not right just to let her "have her way" and allow her to stop eating and drinking.

Maybe she's lonely...maybe she needs more time with people...maybe she should either have an aid or go into Assisted Living...or spend time at Adult Senior Activities...or go out with family members. If she's in great physical health and was active and social up until 2 weeks ago, then there are many more options to consider rather than allowing her to just fade away by not eating.

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Whatnow100 - just wondering...since this change in your mother seemed to happen right after her birthday, did that have anything to do with it? Did she celebrate with anyone - being that she turned 100? That's a big occasion - how did she spend it? Was she taken out by friends, family...receive any presents? Who knows how her birthday affected her. And how will she spend the holidays...Thanksgiving...Christmas? She may be needing more purpose in her life...and to feel like she still matters. Is she bored? These are areas that there are options in addressing - especially given that she's still so fortunate to be physically well.

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So, not to be rude, but when IS her 'time'? Good heavens..she's lived to 100--most people are long gone by that age. I am only 65 and many days I think "I'm done".

I would also have depression if I was 100 years old and wondering what else I needed to be here for? I'm not being snarky, I really wonder if you can imagine how she truly feels. Only SHE really knows.

So last year, you helped her 'rally'. To what end?

OF COURSE you SHOULD let her 'have her way'. IF her choice is to shuffle off this mortal coil on HER TERMS, why not support that? She can stop eating and drinking, she can be offered Hospice which will make her passing pain-free and peaceful. She doesn't need to be scared--she needs your love and support now more than she ever has, or will.

The very LAST thing you should be doing is trying to guilt her into continue on in a life that, I would fathom, is not very rewarding any more. Is the whole family trying to talk her out of making the decision to go? That is very unfair, and unkind, to boot.

I guess this hits too close to home right now as I am actively praying for my poor mom to get to go 'home'.

Do you have beliefs in life after death? Perhaps, if you don't, then the thought of her passing is more than you can handle. If you do, you should respect the beliefs and realize she probably has far more family and friends on the 'other side' than she has here.

You sound like a loving wonderful family. She's been greatly blessed, I'm sure, and greatly loved. But she will 'live on' in all the members of the family, forever.

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Mentally ready to die... How do we deal with this?

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