Here for advice. What does a POA do? I have one for both parents. My dad is the main caregiver giver of my mom and also have In Home Care 7 days a week. My mom 77 yearls old does not have a diagnosis of Alzheimers yet but she does not have short term memory so thinking is coming. She is fragile and not able to take care of herself.
My dad soon turning 79 years old, she is the opposite. Super healthy and strong. Has done a good job taking care of her along with In Home Care plus us 3 daughters looking after them mainly weekends.
I learned last night, dad is having a relationship with one of the caregivers from In Home care services.
What can I do? The woman is in her 60’s I think. The feeling of devastation is an understatement but need to put these aside as really want to concetrate on advise. Worry about caregiver doing something bad to my mom. How do I confront the situation? Legally, does the POA any good to show my dad in endangering my mom. Do I report her right away. I understand I cannot force my dad to stop that relationship but dont want that lady caring for my mom anymore. Help.
Secure anything that has any personal information in/on it.
If you think that your mom is at risk for being harmed by either your dad or any of the caregivers you remove her and place her in Assisted Living. (Memory Care if that would be more appropriate.)
How did you learn of this relationship?
Do you know how far it has progressed?
You can request that this caregiver be replaced by another.
If you are asked you can tell the agency what you have learned if you are 100% sure that this is happening. If there is any doubt at all then just say that "there is a personality conflict".
You can tell your dad that you are asking that this person be replaced and why.
Also, read your PoA document to see if it is durable or springing. Springing would require 1 or more diagnosis of impairment. Durable is in effect the moment it was signed.
How did you find out about the affair? I'm asking because if your Mom or Dad told you, it may not be accurate info. People with cognitive decline can have delusions (and not every day). On this forum I've read many posts from adult children where their impaired parent imagined a love relationship, even with their own children. So, please make certain this is an actual thing that is happening before acting upon it.
First of all, a POA is appointed by the principle, that is, your DAD. And a POA acts as the person appointing him to act dictates. UNTIL that person is no longer competent to act (judged by a court or letters from MD and neuro-psyc doc, usually) OR asks the POA to take over all bills, placements, medical care and etc.
So this is not something your father is likely to appoint you to do.
I understand you are worried.
You need to see an elder law attorney for your options because they are difficult, expensive, complex and require that you DO understand the legalities of guardianship or conservatorship. This is not something easily or light to be taken on because no court would give you POA over mom when her hubby is alive and caring for her. They are not there to play KIng Solomon and judge relationships your Dad may have with another woman, as you can imagine. They cannot know the facts of such a thing and wouldn't be taking your "word for it".
Do see an attorney.
Meanwhile Google is your best friend and do look up:
What does a POA do? (rules may vary according to state).
How does one become a POA?
What does a conservator do?
How does one become a conservator?
What does a guardian do?
How does one become a guardian?
Doing that will give you at least a sort of baseline when you enter the office of the elder law attorney. When you call the office and they ask what you need tell them the following:
"For now I need about an hour of consultation about my options to become POA, Conservator or Guardian for parents. I need information before I move forward".
Telling the office staff this means they will want to see you (may EVEN give you an hour free) as they hope to be able to draw up papers, perhaps represent you in court.
Good luck. I am so very sorry you are going through this.
Yes, you are right. I clearly didn't read that clearly that she has POA for BOTH.
That said, this is going to come down to perhaps looking at guardianship for Mom if that is a fight our OP wants to take on. May well win and be able to get a division of assets and placement or care for Mom for sure.
Thanks Bounce for catching that. Too late for me to edit, but does mean the OP can ignore much of what I said, as I misread her/his post.
Dad has been caring for Mom for a while. It is very unprofessional of this Caregiver to have a relationship with your father. She is there to care for Mom, not go after her husband. I would be concerned that she is after him for his money. Not much you can do since he is competent but I would talk to a Elder Lawyer about protecting your Moms half of the assets. I would also call the agency and tell the Supervisor what is going on. Tell them you prefer this woman not look after your Mom. Ask that it not be mentioned to Dad that u made the call. You are Moms POA and your protecting Mom. You will hope they use discretion when taking this caregiver off the case.
Who has the contract with the agency? You or dad? How long has your mom been needing care? How long has the care giver been there? Legally speaking you really think your dad is endangering your mom? You really think the caregiver would physically hurt your mom?I certainly understand this is very painful and you feel for your mom but I think you need to not blindside your dad. It seems he was trying to be discreet but unless he is also cognitively impaired, he probably knew it was just a matter of time. But then he probably hasn’t been in a new relationship since he was a young man and lost his mind. It happens every day at every age. This situation with your moms care is possibly…probably long term. Many with alz live a long time. This could go on for 20 years. Just on the surface of what you have said here, without knowing more, I think I would have a meeting with dad. Tell him you need to talk about CGs. That you have some concerns. Then meet with him off site and tell him you know. If it is appropriate tell him you understand that he is in a tough situation with mom but that you are hurt by his actions and you can’t imagine allowing the CG to continue to care for mom. That it feels disloyal and disrespecting of her or whatever it is you feel. That if mom got hurt, you would be suspicious. That it turns your stomach to imagine her caring for your mother. You do seem to respect your dad, so give him a chance. You are assuming he will drop her if she is no longer the care giver. How will you feel if he moves her in because she can’t pay her rent when she loses her job?Ask him how he sees this playing out. Does he imagine that the caregiver will move in and help him with mom? Is he planning to divorce mom? Tell him he needs to ask the caregiver to find a different assignment as in right now. Then you will have a better opportunity to know if this is a one off situation or dad thinks he is in love. You will make better decisions for mom when you understand what dad is thinking. He may be very confused. He may have planned to tell you after the holidays. Any number of things could be going through his mind. As much as we all feel he should honor his vows and this is too hard to even think about, whatever you do won’t be easily undone. Let him clean up the mess he has made. You will still have the same ability to blow the whistle on her with the agency if that’s what you decide after you talk to him. And if she is truly a bad person, she could make accusations against him. I’m sorry this has happened.
I agree that a lawyer is needed.
If there is no suggestion that either your father or the carer are treating your mother badly, it might be best to cool it and watch how things go. It won’t make your mother happy to tell her your suspicions. Trying to get this woman sacked is not going to go down well with your father, and it certainly won’t make him love your mother more. In fact it’s more likely to lead to your father walking out on the lot of you.
Just calm down!
Lary, Provide the agency with this evidence. You need not even tell dad. The agency has final say in where this employee works or if she gets fired, meaning that dad can’t hire her privately without the agency possibly suing him.
You should have a frank discussion with your father about the suspected affair that you think he is having with the caregiving help. You should let your father know that it’s an inappropriate relationship and that it’s not fair to your mother for him to be having a romantic relationship with the hired help. Encourage him to end the relationship or you are going to report the caregiver to the agency that she works for.
lary casey.
Dad wants a bit of TLC. So what? Where is he supposed to get it from? Perhaps Dad's behavior isn't your business. This home care is going unusually well at present. Rocking the boat could go badly wrong.
True story
A nursing assistant was having sex with several male dementia patients and filming the encounters; she readily admitted this when caught; maybe she felt like your post.
So sorry this is happening. Handling what you are going through is hard enough without this thrown into the mix.
This is messy. But I think seeking understanding and cooperation with your dad - even if that's the last thing you feel like doing - is the best first move. Can you discuss with him to find out how strong his feelings are for her and how serious he views this relationship? Can you tell him how you feel in terms of this being a "conflict of interest" without cussing him out? Tell him the CG must go, and you hope he understands why.
I feel for you.
*Ope. Just read the part about your planned discussion with your dad. I hope it went better than you expected.
Hopefully, we’ll have peace soon.
You don't start a relationship with the husband of the wife you were hired to care for.
If the care giver was on the up and up she would have removed herself from moms care because of this relationship instead of behaving like a prostitute and getting paid to take care of mom and dad too.
As it is the daughters need to tell the care giving agency they want her removed from moms care and a new care giver put in her place.
You could not be more wrong. True that the caregiver should have not started up a romantic relationship with the client's husband. But it happens all the time.
The daughters need to mind their own business about their father's business.
It is not for them to pin a scarlet letter on this caregiver and report her to her agency which will result in her being fired.
That could very easily result in their father disowning them, changing the POA, and not allowing them to see their mother. This can happen too.
If the caregiver does good work and the wife with dementia gets along with her, there is no need to press things.
Your father takes good care of his wife just as you say. She is feeble and has dementia. What's so wrong with him having a little companionship and affection on the side for himself?
So long as him and the caregiver/mistress don't flaunt it and your mother doesn't know about it.
Why would you ever assume that the caregiver having an affair with your father would ever do anything to harm your mother?
Do you think so little of your own father that he would allow his wife to be abused or endangered by the people being paid to care for her?
I say this to you in thr spirit of friendship and because I've seen this kind of scenario play out many times.
Mind your own business about your father's business. Reporting the caregiver to her agency which will result in her getting fired can backfire on you very easily.
It may just turn your own father against you. He could very well disown you for such a thing and put you out of your mother's life entirely. Then change his POA. I have seen this happen.
Please don't do anything. Is the caregiver/mistress a good woman who takes good care of your mother?
If the answer to that question is yes, then leave well enough alone.
If she wants a relationship with the father then she needs to quit her care giving role. Then she is free to be with the father.
And since you run an agency Burnt I don't think you would want any of your care givers to be carrying on with the clients spouse either.
But instead the care giver wants her cake as in payment to care for mom while she carries on with dad when she is supposed to be at work.
The agency needs to be told about this today and YES she deserves to lose her job.
"Thank you for your advise. We did dad. We had a conversation and he promised, he'll take care of it. We are giving him sometime and then check again. He knows what he is doing is wrong but more important, he knows, we'll intervine if we feel my mom is not well taking care of.
lary casey."
First “he knows we'll intervene if we feel my mom is not well taking care of”. Sure, but think first about whether it means you and your sisters will end up with a lot more care to do yourselves.
Second: “We are giving him some time and then check again”. Mind your own business!
When I was a lot younger, and misbehaving mildly in my fiance’s parked car, we watched for the “international morality police” who came around with torches to shine in the windows. You were quite happy about the care until you ‘found out’ about this. Don’t go looking with your own torches at the ready. For God's sake, he's old enough to be your father!
In my family, a "very highly recommended" privately hired caregiver took our relative for everything he had (he was an elderly bedbound -- and wealthy -- stroke victim). My cousin was this man's PoA and thought the caregiver was just a lovely person so didn't pay enough attention to what was going on. Predators know exactly what buttons to push on naive people to engage their trust. She literally even took his dog and disappeared.
Even though your Dad's tryst is now hopefully in the past, just the fact that this woman was nearly 20 years younger (red flag, sorry not sorry to anyone who thinks otherwise) and didn't respect a moral/ethical boundary while on the job would cause me to fire her in a nano minute. Many financial abusers of the elderly are very experienced predators but often it can be a crime of opportunity -- and your Dad is ripe for this scenario.
That being said, it's totally understandable that your Dad may be lonely so help him find healthy, safer outlets for this need. But he could also be losing his own sense of judgment due to the beginnings of dementia (which happens little by little). He is 79. It's totally possible.
I wish you success in managing their care, and peace in your heart that you're doing your very best.
Accept that he is a womanizer and worry about your mother. Because he doesn’t worry much at all.
Yes, dad has cheated before and mom chose to turn a blind eye. But this is not simply a mistress. This is someone charged with administering mom's meds and providing intimate care, I presume.
There is a non-zero chance of the caregiving neglecting or harming mom. There is also a non-zero chance that Dad's judgement is impaired and he's being snowed and fleeced by this woman.
That's what I'm seeing.
And then there was my uncle who married his wife’s live in CG two years after his wife passed. He was 83. She was 57.
They were married until he passed at 94. Very happily married. She has not remarried.
She has been a real blessing to my family.
I have no idea when their relationship began but she was a live in for several years before his first wife passed.
I haven't read the other responses here, but I do see you had a discussion with your dad. I'd ask to check his bank and credit card statements and if anything isn't right, then you call the police and alert his bank and credit reporting agencies immediately.
No ethical caregiver should have a personal relationship with a client. Period. Full Stop.