Mom becomes verbally combative late at night. Any advice?
Recently I've noticed that Mom has a tendency to become a little bit verbally combative with me at her bedtime. She won't go to bed before about midnight, and frequently delays until significantly later than that. When I tell her it's time to get ready for bed, she'll respond "Who says?" and when I point out that it's getting late she'll say she's not ready yet. So I let her sit a while and then try again, etc.
Last night, I took her to the bathroom around 11 PM, and I noticed that after she was back in her chair in the livingroom, she looked kind of angry so I asked her what was wrong ... she would not tell me at first, made out that of course I already knew what was wrong, but I didn't. When she finally told me, it was that same accusation she raised last fall -- that I had "some man" sitting out in the kitchen. I took it fairly calmly this time and offered to take her into the kitchen to see for herself -- in fact, I told her that anytime she wants to check the kitchen I will take her there. Of course, she didn't want to bother going.
I doubt that this behavior is because she is tired, since she sleeps a lot during the day, but does anyone have a clue why this crops up so late in the evening? And I also should point out that this is not a daily occurrence, it's something that crops up and is an attitude for a few nights and then goes away for a while until the next time.
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Sigh. Of course it is up to her when she goes to bed. Of course. But what she fails, and my mother used to, to appreciate is that you can't go to bed until she's safely tucked in and settled. And it's Not Fair!
This would also be the time when subjects she hadn't wanted to talk about earlier - like, oh, anything, from calling the vet to her feelings about her sisters - would suddenly need urgent and lengthy (and sometimes repetitive oh God) discussion. I wonder if your mother is doing the same, fishing around in her head for anything that feels like a grievance or a worry and just giving it a punt? Maybe if she's having a rough day or two she's labouring under a sense of dissatisfaction generally, can't process why, and so it comes out like this?
I tried to cultivate a cheerful attitude and do exactly what you are doing - reassure and offer proof. It sounds like you're handling everything extremely well - is there any aspect of it that is worrying you?
I like the man in the kitchen. I wish you could send him this way to do some handyman chores for me. I know that it is a strange feeling when your mother says this. It reminds us that we can be on different planets in our minds.
My mother sometimes becomes very combative. I've been shocked a few times when I come into the room and she tears over in anger and launches into what injustice she is mad about. It is usually just something in her own mind that was created by ruminating -- something that has always been a specialty of hers. It's never pleasant to be attacked out of the blue, but it doesn't bother me like it used to. I know it is the vascular dementia and general craziness talking.
I don't spend my evenings with my mother beyond maybe an hour. She usually sits and watches The Waltons and JAG, then goes off to her bedroom to sit on the side of her bed for an hour or two. I just accept this. It sounds like you have to assist your mother more when she goes to bed, AZLife.
I guess what worries me is this: the evening before my Dad passed, he said he heard a fire siren and was alarmed by it, wanted to know where the fire was. Well, he'd been sleeping, and woke up with this and so we finally reassured him that he'd been dreaming (now we think it may have been hallucination), but he died the next morning. So when Mom starts "talking weird", in the sense that what she is saying has no apparent basis in reality, or becomes crabby for no discernible reason, it worries me.
But all the same it must be painful to be reminded, and of course when your mother seems to be imagining things too it must hit a nerve. All I can do is sympathise. And next time you see the GP or a specialist, mention it - they'll have clearer explanations that will be based on their knowledge of your mother and her individual illness. Hugs.
Ha, we could both use that man in the kitchen as a handyman! Now, I'm reminded of an old poem:
Yesterday, upon the stair,
I met a man who wasn't there.
He wasn't there again today,
I wish, I wish he'd go away...
When I came home last night at three,
The man was waiting there for me
But when I looked around the hall,
I couldn't see him there at all!
Last night I saw upon the stair,
A little man who wasn't there,
He wasn't there again today
Oh, how I wish he'd go away...
-- "Antigonish" by Hughes Mearns
Good idea re what to tell her about the man in the kitchen ... I'll try that ;)
@Babalou -- no, she has not seen a neurologist. She hits these spells about being difficult at bedtime every couple weeks or so, it's not a constant. And the bit about the man in the kitchen is only the second time she has ever brought that up, last time was about 3 months ago. If any of it was more frequent, I'd definitely have said something to her doctor.
I seem to recall that you are far from the doctor. Can you acquire a home test kit for UTIs? I would discuss this whole issue with the doctor on the phone.
She slept through like an angel!
My pharmacist said Trazadone is also a great non addictive sleepaide.
She was rested and even all day today! Grateful.
Google the benefits.
Next time she says there is a man in the kitchen MAKE her go in with you to see that there isn't - at the very least she gets exercise, and and at best she decides it's not worth mentioning in the future because she'll just have to do something about it. If you think about it she was just talking (easy, gets attention), not DOING anything (requires effort, risk).
My Grandmother (no diagnosed dementia) also had delusions, but may have been triggered by depression & laying in bed staring at the ceiling all day long (and ruminating, as others have mentioned).
ANY outside stimulus you can get may help (drag her to Denny's for coffee, go drive to a park - tell her you need it for your sake if nothing else)