She calls us accusing my father of having an affair with the whore across the street (her words). My father has prostate cancer, so he is up a lot using the bathroom. So she says he is getting up to go see the woman across the street. When we don't agree with her or try to reassure her. She gets hurtful and down right cruel, She says things like: I hope you die and I won't be sorry, I hate you kids. We have tried to get her to see a doctor she won't go. My sisters are nurses and have even tried talking to her doctor with a list of things. The doctor says things like we should do an MRI for your memory. Of course she goes ballistic. That doctor is a quack there is nothing wrong with my memory. My question is how are we supposed to respond when she calls and says I want you to die. If you calmly say please don't say that she yells even more and than hangs up. Do we not answer the phone? Do we just listen to the hurtful things and hope they bounce off later. I know that she has an illness and she doesn't mean what she says. I know that she is 89 and has dementia. But it still doesn't make it easier. This is our mother who we love. Please don't tell us to get her to a doctor. Unless she is forced and chemically restrained it isn't going to happen. My dad is too afraid and won't do anything.
If it were my mom, I would medicate her if I could. Whatever is going on with her, she's a miserable human being. (I mean she must be VERY unhappy...not in a derogatory sense.)
I also think there's a possibility that she could act out violently against your dad. I don't think I could ignore this behavior and shrug it off. Her dark thoughts and mood are effecting your dad, too. You get frustrated from just the phone calls. Imagine living with her.
Medication. Trial and error 'til something works. Talk to her doctor, Get social services involved. Whatever it takes. If this were your father acting like this, I suspect your reaction might be somewhat different. From what you're describing, this is a tragedy waiting to happen.
Have caller ID on your phone and don't answer at night, turn off the ringer. you might record any call she makes that are abusive. that may sway the Drs to admit and stabilize her. At least you are all on the same page about this.Try and keep any of your young kids out of this drama. Remember Mom really can't help what she is doing and saying it is part of her illness. keep in touch and let us know what happens
You're dad is another story. How is your mom with him? I can only imagine. You said getting her to a Dr. was out of the question. What if you went over there, let her get worked up, then called 911? I had to do this with my mom. I couldn't get her to the Dr. (am I supposed to throw her over my shoulder and carry her?) but she needed medical attention so one night when my dad called me, as he always did when my mom fell, I'd had enough of being called in the middle of the night to drive over there and peel her off the floor and I called 911 despite my parents insisting that I not. I got my mom into the hospital and got her some help.
It's a bold move but you asked what you guys could do. I think your mom needs medication and if she won't go to the Dr. calling 911 is your best bet. She can stay there a few days, let the medication kick in, your dad will have a few days respite and hopefully things will improve.
It's just my opinion but I think every person with dementia should be on medication. Not doped up so they can't function but relieved of their anxiety and obsessions. Your mom isn't comfortable in her state of mind and while she may not be able to articulate it she knows on some level that she isn't right.
Good luck, peaceofmind
I think that your mom needs declared incompetent. But how can you do that?
You are right in saying that we don't know what you have gone through or are going through, just as you can't know anyone else's unique experience. We learned a lot more about yours in your reply to Maggie and in spite of that we still don't have the whole picture. Gleaning the extent of a person's situation from their online profile is useless, but that is what you tried to do with Maggie. We can only select one area of concern in a drop-down list. Most of our aging parents and/or spouses (and ourselves, for that matter) have multiple issues.
Here is my personal assessment---not claiming to be right, just my interpretation: Maggie's comment about your mom being miserable echoes what you yourself said about her. I don't think it was meant as an attack or an accusation. As for the comment about your father, I think what she meant was that when a man behaves in an abusive manner people take it more seriously. You and your siblings might have more concern about your mother's safety in that case than you currently do about you father, even though you say he is "too afraid" to do anything. You don't say what it is he fears will happen.
I try my best to be helpful, but if someone ever accused me of being flippant and lacking compassion I would wonder what I said that was so offensive and I would be VERY leery of ever speaking up again. The problems we share on this board are too profound to make judgements based on a person's style of writing, so let's be a little more tolerant of the comments. I would hope that anything that was blatantly cruel or inappropriate would be taken down by the moderator.
Perhaps I overstated my case in this long post, but I was concerned lest any of my comments be taken as an affront. I hope not. I only wish for the best for each of us and our families.
I don't understand the misinterpretations that happen on this forum, frankly. I am amazed to see two posters criticize my attempt to be helpful. And this is not the first time. I don't feel sorry for people. I try to help them. I don't try to massage them. I try to give them the benefit of my 67 years on this earth; having suffered the loss of my husband after a long illness; having been diagnosed with two separate cancers in the last eight years; having taken care of my mom for 3 or 4 years as she descended into dementia and then, finally, the year I've spent care-giving for her in my home...managing her congestive heart failure, bringing her back from death's door several times, tending her open wounds...
I'm sorry. I see absolutely NOTHING wrong with my post. Perhaps my having "come in" and spent a great deal of time on this board rather quickly is disconcerting to some. Like "the new kid in class" not letting people get to know her first. I'm sorry for that. But I've spent a great deal of time on another public forum -- like five years. So I'm very comfortable with the process. And know what? I'm even appreciated there.
As I sit here 7 feet away from mom and tend to her 24/7, I need something to keep my brain busy. The very people who've gone out of their way to slam ME for a post or two that was, in my opinion taken wrong . . . the number of people who piled on . . . ? I think some of you should look to yourselves before you start accusing others of lacking compassion.
If this gets me a warning from moderators, I would like to apologize in advance. If you want me to leave, I will do so.
If she were living as your mom is, angry 24/7, paranoid, lashing out at people, wishing the very people she loves would die, I would be heartbroken. Because that's not my mom. And it's not yours either.
It would break my heart to think she would live her last days in that miserable state. And I would do everything possible to improve her quality of life. I would be heartbroken for my dad as well. Whereas your brothers and sisters get phone calls, he has to live each and every day with her. And, apparently, fight a battle with prostate cancer besides. It's tragic. It's not how we picture our parents growing old.
So I saw a very different problem than the one you posted. You don't need an answer to that. That answer is easy and obvious. Your siblings can hang up as soon as she starts her rants, or they can get caller I.D. and not answer in the first place, or they can screen calls from your parents' phone number thru an answering machine so they don't miss an urgent call.
Your mom and dad are the ones with the real problem. Mom is stuck in a mindset that's keeping her absolutely miserable. And no doubt keeping your dad the very same way. And, in my opinion, if nothing is done to reboot mom's thinking process with medication, it may be just a matter of time until she begins acting out on her angry thoughts.
I'm sorry if semantics got in the way of my well-meaning thoughts about your mom and dad. It was certainly not my intention to insult you. It isn't lost on me, however, that you've gone quite out of your way to do that to me.
Maybe it gives both of us something else to think about other than the ravages of old age and watching our beloved parents decline into dementia and more. *shrug*
Be blessed, Peaceofmind.
It's not a case of being oversensitive, or as misinterpreting someone's style of writing. It's a case of gratuitous meanness by someone who, time and again, refuses to apologize when she's made insulting comments, even when it's pointed out to her. I have no time for people like that. Let them stew in their own spiteful juices.