We are lucky enough to have in home care for Mom but the problem is she doesn’t remember that they are there, sitting in the other room. I wake up to multiple messages from her saying the aide left early or never showed up (which I know is not the case). What, if anything, can I do so that Mom knows there is always someone there to help her? By the way, she still argues with me constantly that she doesn’t need 24 hour care but all the messages I have from her clearly show otherwise. Any ideas on how to get her to stop arguing about that? She’s so angry that we are “making her” have someone there all the time but clearly it is the right call.
She actually may be ready for memory care.
I suggest you have the care givers stay in the same room with your mother. Either that, or have them go into the room she's in every 10 minutes to see to her needs and as a reminder they're still there, and that she's not alone. Have them ask her what she needs, if she's hungry, needs to use the bathroom/have a Depends change, etc. Make sure they're bringing her fresh water and/or beverages as well since the elderly get dehydrated in a NY minute.
If the in-home help does not work out, then it is time to look into Memory Care homes for your mother. It's actually a less expensive alternative to round the clock in home care and also gets you to stop listening to all the arguing and complaining. Plus, she'll get plenty of activities to keep her amused and others to interact with every day, in addition to hot meals & snacks.
Wishing you the very best of luck.
Have as assessment of your mother’s medical situation done as soon as possible. Why guess at a situation?
If you find some sort of dementia then she will need more care. It is often less costly to live in a facility rather than pay for round the clock care at home.
Second.
Why are the caregivers sitting in another room? If they are supposed to help her they should be with her. If she is sleeping someone should be checking on her every once in a while so when she awakes they can get her up. If she is sitting in her room, they should be checking on her and trying to engage her as much as possible. They should be talking to her, popping in to check on her, encouraging her to come to the kitchen for tea or coffee a bit of a snack.
It sounds like you need to have a talk with the caregivers. Make the house an active one make a bit of noise, run the vacuum, the laundry make sure mom knows they are there.
First, when she calls and says that the caregivers left, is she scared, confused, anxious? Because, sometimes, with dementia, their mind is changing and things can be scary. They need constant support and reassurance that things are okay. So, having someone nearby for comfort can be good. I'd discuss this concern with the caregivers. They should be trained in working with people with dementia. And, they should not be leaving her alone in a room. She could fall, ingest something harmful, get sick, leave the house, etc. So, if they are properly trained, they'd know how to properly supervise and comfort her. I'd put it in writing as to what is expected of them.
I'd also discuss it with her doctor to see if she needs meds for anxiety. My LO took a small dose daily med for anxiety and depression. It helped her worry less.
Sometimes, the complaining about not needing help will pass with time. But, if not, it's just something to be tolerated. I don't know of any way to make a person with dementia get it. Reality is just not something they can handle much of the time and they may never agree that they need help, no matter how dire the situation.
Oh, I'd also make sure that the caregivers are NOT leaving early, like she says. lol
MOM-if you need anything there is a house helper in the other room, just call out and they will be here. (Or get her a bell to ring)
Your house help people are here to:
1.
2.
3.
(list out their responsibilities)
If you feel ill, let them know and they’ll help you or call me.
if you run out of things tell them and they’ll get a list together for me.
also list upcoming appointments and activities for the day/week.
this helped my FIL a lot. We even have reminders of MIL’s care/condition.
Mirrors that reflect other rooms or the outside are actually quite helpful in making people feel not so shut in on their own.
They need to have a comfortable place near your mom where they can interact with her so that may be what is missing.
Or maybe mom should have a comfortable spot where the caretakers are and get some relief from being isolated.
It makes no sense to be paying someone who is out of sight, out of mind. Are they not even mindful of your mother’s calls to you? That’s also the point for being there, to enable you to do what you need free of worry about your mom. Instead they’ve created a new point for arguing.
Good luck,
charlotte
Tell the caregiver(s) they are f i r e d .
Assuming that the aide is there when she's supposed to be, and doing the work she's supposed to be doing, it may be best for you to have a call bell system.
My mother's bedroom is on the opposite end of the house from my major work area (kitchen and laundry), and as her voice got weaker, I often couldn't hear her calling. I got a system with three buttons: one for her bed, one for her wheelchair and one for her recliner. I have the base station volume turned to maximum so that I can hear the alarm from anywhere in the house (and I can even hear it outside, if the doors and windows are open and I'm close enough).
My only problem is getting Mom to actually use the button ALL the time. We've had the system for three years, and she still calls to me with a faint "Yoooohooo!" or "Hellooooo?" when she wants/needs something - or she'll just sit in her chair, sigh heavily and say, "Gee, I wish I could have some cookies...oh well, never mind...nobody listens to me..." and I have to keep telling her to RING THE BELL. (I can't post a sign or whiteboard on the wall to remind her, because she's blind.)
that being said, mom would still call-sometimes all night long-help I need help there’s no one here with me.
things we tried:
leaving notes in critical areas (next to phone, in kitchen, etc) reminding her that there are people there she can ask for help. It might be even more helpful to put a sticky note on the phone itself so she sees it before she calls,
we also disconnected the phone next to her bed and “lied” and told her there was a Verizon issue-so she couldn’t call. The aide still had her phone plus the other phones were working just fine.
we also shut our own ringers at night so even if she called it wouldn’t wake us up. Sometimes we would just block her number overnight so the aide and anyone else could still get thru.
begging and pleading and arguing that we all needed our sleep otherwise we could lose our jobs got nowhere-so we had to become more “resourceful”.
Perhaps she is telling you the aid left early so you will fire them and get them out of her house since she is angry that you make her have someone there. It's very possible she knows someone is there, but thinks it is unnecessary.
She needs to be ambulated to a chair in the other rooms, be sat down at the dining table for lunch, sit up (not in bed), etc. etc.
Caregiver should have her get up, she has to change her sheets.
I suggest the caregivers move Mom's phone to the dinner table.
If she gets mad enough, she will ambulate in there and call you.
Sorry, I did not re-read your Mom's abilities, if she can get up or not.
The caregivers need to make their presence known. Maybe if Mom gets angry enough, she will get up and take care of her own business instead of having everyone walk on eggshells around her.
Even an amoeba needs a little irritation to move around.
Your mother doesn't like to be intruded on. Yet she constantly texts you for help with - what sort of thing?
Two ideas:
1. The caregivers should knock on the door and go in on a schedule - once an hour, or whatever you think might be best tolerated. It sounds as though your mother will respond better to formal professionalism than friendly warmth? If so, advise the caregivers about that too.
2. You could forward the text to the caregiver. E.g. "I need help! They've just left me here by myself! What's happening???" Caregiver receives text. Caregiver knocks on the door and without mentioning the text appears as if by magic saying "can I get you anything, Mrs Smith? I'm right here if there's anything you need." N.b. neither you nor the caregiver should challenge your mother with reminders - you're right, she *can't* remember that the caregivers are in the next room, so don't burden her with trying to.
Also: is there a formal daily care plan? - a list of goals, activities, tasks to be accomplished.