Mom called me TWELVE times in a six hour period with what I think are ridiculous complaints. Today the first complaint was that had her wipe the front and they only wiped the back in the bathroom. Next she complained that it took them 15 minutes to get her lunch brought to the table. (Does she have anything else she needs to do?) Then she claims they’ve fixed her wheelchair so she can’t move it. She also complains that they’ve done something to make her voice gravelly and to make her have phlegm in her throat. Then her water wasn’t in reach. And something about her bra. And not being given enough time to wash her face.
I think this is a wonderful LTC home and have seen no evidence that she’s being mistreated in any way. I know it’s important for me to show up enough that the facility knows somebody still cares about her. But the visits consist of her constantly complaining. I’ve tried lots of things to distract her but it doesn’t work. So between all the phone calls and visits filled with petty complaints, I’m at my wits end.
My mother has always been a narcissist and our relationship has never been great. None of her former friends or neighbors ever visit. My sister lives out of state so sees her infrequently. She’s rude to my husband so I don’t want him to deal with her. And I’m just fed up! Today I hung up on one of her calls and turned my phone off for two hours so I could get some things done.
She is trying to convince me that she needs to move somewhere else. I’m not doing it. This is the fourth place she’s been in two years. She really wants to live with me but we’re in the process of downsizing and moving, plus I’m physically and psychologically unable to care for her.
Should I just tune her out when she complains, try to make her understand that the staff is not trying to be mean, or ??? BTW, she does have mild dementia and is both visual and hearing impaired.
Sometimes the best way to handle the repeated conversations about leaving the AL is to blame it on the doctor. Your doctor says you need to get stronger and be able to get to the bathroom on your own or walk to the table, etc.
You are right you need to visit to show involvement, but that doesn't mean you need to listen to all her complaints. I encourage you to bring some treat for your Mom with each visit, an ice cream, slice of pie, bottle of lotion, a DVD or a photograph of a grandchild. Try to have a conversation about something that's happening or something positive. When your mother starts complaining, use minimal responses like "Really" and "That's too bad." before trying to turn the conversation to something else. When you've had enough, it's time to leave for an appointment or you need to get home and clean out the freezer.
Good Luck!
As for leaving the home, I’ve told her repeatedly that I don’t have the ability to move her because my sister signed her in. I keep telling her to call my sister but she doesn’t seem to remember how to do that.
What I have done is to say: "Mom, I hear what is frustrating you - and we are all trying to take care of everything at the same time. You need to pick the most important issue so that we can take care of you and everyone else at the same time. Get her to focus on one thing at a time - as I am sure she is just overwhelmed by having to be away from her family (maybe).
When my mother would get impossible and start being rude and what I would call "Get her Irish Up", I would tell her "Mom, I can't stay here right now, because you are not being nice to me or to everyone else. I am the only one here to help you and if you can't be nice to me then I am leaving. I will see you tomorrow" - and then leave. Treat her like a child. Some of her behavior, as we all know, is not in her control - but refocusing her is important to OUR survival, and be ready to just leave - even if you just arrived.
Re the phone, I would take the phone away and have your mother ask the aides for the floor phone if she needs to speak with you BUT tell the aides that she is only allowed to call in an emergecy, and that they need to refocus her when she gets aggitated and ready to fight.
I would also tell your mother that the head of the facility knows of her concerns and that everyone is trying to take care of the issues for her. Sometimes, knowing that someone is trying to help and that "she" is the priority, helps. Of course, we know that she won't remember later, but in the moment - it sometimes helps.
At your mother's next Care Plan meeting, discuss these incidents with the staff and see if they can have an aide spend more time with her to keep her focused. Good Luck!
You will never make her understand, set your boundaries and stick to them.
Good Luck!
But she would sometimes get the LTC staff to call me.
If you take her phone, let staff and Administer know. My daughter says at the NH she worked they had to write up a report and investigate. Only to find a family member had taken it.
Your Mom will never be happy. As her Dementia progresses it may get worse. I guess you could say "sorry Mom but this is it" I believe in being blunt when things aren't getting thru. I had a friend who was never happy. Always someone elses fault. You can't change people.
Your mother isn't likely to be made to understand that the staff isn't trying to be 'mean' to her. In her world, everything has to be perfect; everybody has to stop what they're doing IMMEDIATELY to see to her needs, no matter how tiny they are, and that's that. Anything else constitutes 'not good enough' in her mind, and is likely to stay that way. That's why she's been in so many different places.....nothing is every good enough nor will it ever BE good enough, right? So what's the point in continuing to pander to this behavior. Ignore it, and look after YOURSELF for a change.
I limit my exposure to my toxic mother for these reasons as well. Once a week visits for an hour and once a day phone calls for about 10 minutes apiece, and that's about it. Anything more and my nerves are F R I E D.
Wishing you the best of luck setting boundaries and being okay sticking to them!
Are the staff any help with her? If not, I'd explore Memory Care. The staff there seem to be more equipped at managing the care of those with dementia.
If she's overly anxious, I'd discuss it with her doctor. I might explore medications to help with her anxiety. Meds helped my LO become much more content.
Address her ability to call you so much. Either take the phone from her (Staff can call if your're needed) or let it go to a phone with a voice mail that says you are at work, in a meeting, etc. and will get back with her when you are able. Then, check the message once a week. All of the daily back and forth is very stressful and not helpful for anyone. It doesn't help either of you. Limiting the time you spend listening to her complaints would likely limit the stress. And, when you do see her, tell her you have solved all the problems and that things are now remedied. With my LO. she tended to worry and stress over nonexistent problems. So, I would bring treats and balloons to celebrate. telling her that I had taken care of all the problems, all was well and we should be celebrating. At least for a little while, she was so happy.
If only your Mom could find another resident to become friends with, learn about each other's families, then the focus would be off the minor things to complain about.
Since this is the 4th move in just two years, Mom is trying for a 5th move, as that is something different and very interesting.
You nailed it FF!
I find some older people often become very impatient. I guess when you reach an advanced age you always feel like time is running out. Frustrating for them and those who care for them as well.
This may be a horrible thing to say, but it actually improved greatly as her dementia progressed. In memory care she doesn't have her own phone and can no longer remember phone numbers or see the buttons on the phone to call. In addition to regular visits, I call her every morning on the caregiver line and after about a 4 minute talk, she's good for the day.
I also went through the moves to different places not realizing till after a few of them, that she would never be satisfied. In her memory care facility they literally have activities for the residents from dusk till dawn and she still acts like there's nothing to do. She is however happier than I've seen her since this journey began and that is consolation. I know each person is unique but wanted to offer some odd hope and a weird silver lining that may possibly be in your future. This journey holds few rewards for anyone involved, I've learned to take the blessings where I can find them and keep on keepin' on. Take care.