Mom, dementia, giving Christmas gifts?

If I were in your position, I'd give gifts to the grandchildren. I wouldn't give gifts to anyone else.

No, you don't need to; any adult should not expect you to add gifts on to your other responsibilities. Plus you should keep her money for her own needs. So limit it to the grandchildren, and make those gifts as simple on yourself as possible.

Beyond that question, how are you doing? Being depressed and overwhelmed -- is there anything you can do for the new year to lighten this load? You shouldn't have your own life and health overwhelmed and compromised.

You have so much going on now, you are the one who needs gifts. You are thoughtful for thinking of everyone.

I like the idea of only giving her grandkids gift cards--no matter how young--if too young their parents can select the gift. I'm sure the other people she normally gets gifts for will understand.

Wishing you a peaceful and stress free Christmas.

I’d suggest that you send greetings cards (not gift cards) to the ‘usual’ people, with a short explanation of where M is at now. There are cards that cover both Christmas and New Year, so sending them could be something to do in the week after Christmas. If there are too many cards to write notes yourself, make photocopies to slip inside the card.

If there is anything that they can do for M or for you, put that in the note, as well as making it clear that this contact is the last time from you. Then you can say to M that you sent cards, just like she wanted.

My mom is in the later stages but she loved giving out gifts the the family members and the staff at her memory care and the other residents. If she can afford to buy them and is still able to participate, I say definitely. I know there are many more people that do not have the spare money so I wouldn't consider it at that point. But my mom made sure she will be set for as long as she lives and she loves new stuffed animals and she loves getting new things for her room and she loves gaudy jewelry (somehow she is at the late middle or early late stage but her personality has not changed - I feel like that is a precious gift and I thank God for it). Her room could rival some of the best dorm rooms i see online! Of course, she is always spilling red Kool-Aid everywhere in her room and bathroom every day and can stash snacks in every hiding spot she can find so my sister and I have to clean her room everyday (like a cookie she puts on top of her toilet or an ice cream bar she hides in her underwear drawer) but it helps when I have something to do when I visit 5 times a week to keep the stress level down when I am answering the same questions for the 75th time in 45 minutes. Also, note to memory care units - why red? It stains and I cannot get it out. My opinion is that every cent she has earned should be used to try to give her the very best life possible for her horrific situation. I have people who tell me it is a waste and a sibling or two who would like to inherit the money that is being spent on unnecessary items but I don't agree. As long as my mom is able to talk and get up and around, her money can be used on whatever makes her happy. And she loved being Santa this year. She doesn't know 95% of her family but she knew she wanted to have a gift for everyone. So we looked at stuff online and she helped choose (kind of) and I went and got them and wrapped them and signed her name. We can't take any day for granted and I am always aware that this could be the last time so I try to be grateful everyday. I learned a long time ago that when everything seems like there is nothing that could be worse dealing with Alzheimer's, one day that will be the good time. It just gets worse and worse and worse and there is no bottom that I see.
I do not ever want to live with this disease. I leave myself notes in random places to remind myself if I get it. I will do whatever I need to do to avoid the pure hell of living with the disease that slowly kills you while taking away your ability to understand how to use toilet paper or that cat food is not for human consumption or at earlier stages she would dress like a crazy person and put makeup on like a 2 year old and we couldn't get her to change her mind. So we would be at restaurants and shopping with her and she was such a beautiful, classy lady before this, she would be livid that we "allowed" her to be seen in public like that. During Covid her beautiful, pristine home was transformed into a hoarded filthy disaster house that she thought was clean. Getting her into memory care turned out to be the best thing for her. It felt like I was abandoning her and the guilt almost killed me but I look back and am reminded that usually the best things in life come when getting there was the hardest thing to do.
I got way off track here. Sometimes all of my thoughts come flooding out because there is only so many times you can have this conversation with your husband or your friends. So, thanks for letting me release my thoughts on the last day of 2025.

Just like the verse goes "To everything there is a season...",
your mom is aging, and her health has taken a turn. Neither she nor you in her stead should be expected to keep everything the way it was, when so much has changed, and it becomes a hardship.

As her caregiver, your life has taken a turn as well. Your plate is full, and there should be no expectations that you must now handle Christmas gifts in the same way for both you and your mother.

I would definitely be ok with sending nothing except for the grandchildren, depending on how old the grandchildren are. If they are working age adults, however, they should not be expecting any gifts.

I especially like the suggestion from poster MargaretMcKen about putting a photocopied message inside of greeting cards explaining about your mother.

Now, my answer would be completely different if you said your mother was excited about Christmas, and was looking forward to her grandchildren visiting her and watching them open presents. For that, I would make the effort to give mom that experience. But buying gift cards and putting them in the mail for someone who doesn't visit?...nope.

After my father died my mother was only giving gifts to the grandchildren and great grandchildren anyway. Later , I was too busy and worried Mom would run out of money in AL. I told my mother I sent gifts to the grandchildren and great grandchildren ( but I didn’t ) . Mom was satisfied . She wasn’t even interested in what the “ gifts” were. In reality , the parents of the younger grandchildren and great grandchildren bought them each a gift and said it was from grandma . The adult grandchildren ( who used to receive money from grandma at Christmas ) understood that grandma’s money was needed for her care. I used my own money to pay for gifts for staff .

This is a bit late but...
After my Husband was diagnosed and I was managing everything I was told by the Elder Care attorney that I can not gift to anyone or even to myself from his account.
I guess the idea behind this was that he could not have made the decision to present gifts as he was no longer cognizant.

AgingMyself54: There is no need to continue the gifting as to do so may 'tell' the recipient that the sender is not sick.

I would not send anything to anyone but the grandkids, and only if the grandkids are not old enough to understand the situation. If all the grandkids are in their teens, they are old enough to understand why their grandmother is not sending out gifts. Of course, if one grandkid gets something, then they all have to (unless they are adults). I definitely would not get gifts for adults - that would be ridiculous. If she has any paid caregivers who come in and help on a routine basis, a small gift card would be appropriate in my opinion.

Send gifts to her grandchildren only. Happy New Year!

It happened with us as well.
Things were explained to family regarding Granmom’s health and family gatherings and couldn’t take place anymore.
Money had to be used for her care.
Family just shifted to their own immediate family or cousins.

We stopped. She doesn't remember what day it is. My kids happen to be the youngest of the grandkids and great-grandkids, they understand.

Advised not to give as she needs for herself and when applying fir medicaud, there is a 5 yr look back. During this time if giftung done, not qualified for benefits or penalized with more months to wait to qualify.

I also dealt with Christmas gift issues this year which made me remember how selfish my parents can be. Both have medical conditions and dementia but still are cognitive of what is going on. They gave generous Christmas donations to several local organizations this year which they have always done. My brother and I weren’t sure if they had bought gifts for their two caregivers so we purchased a gift card to give from all of us. They both were outraged because they think they don’t deserve a gift because they are getting paid. What a flash back to my childhood. My brother and I still gave the gifts because we are thankful for the caregivers (note I had to quit my job 3 years ago and my parents are financially fine). They also didn’t give their grandsons a gift so I did on their behalf. The grandsons would have understood not getting a gift but I didn’t feel right about it. I feel people should do what they feel is the right thing to do for themselves Sorry for the long post but this has sat heavy on my heart.