Mom didn't tell us she had dementia. She was articulate and smart and was able to hide it for a long time. In hindsight I probably knew it was happening but I didn't. She was at times mean. And I was mean back. I was never patient and I was rarely kind. I'm so sorry. Now she doesn't know who I am. I missed those years. Anyone else have this experience? It would be nice to know I wasn't the only one who has made this mistake.
Did she love you because you were patient and kind? No, she loved her daughter - quick and sharp and a chip off the old block.
And if she doesn't seem to know you now, she still loves the girl who looks a lot like her and is very sweet to her. Wishing you comfort, hugs.
Like many, I have two young kids (now school aged, but then were toddlers) and a husband who is helpful but works a lot and I work as well. I was pulled all over the place. And when she would come visit, she was frustrating -- I had a limited amount of patience each day (I'm human, yes, but admittedly, I'm not a particularly patient person in general -- it's a weakness), and I needed all of it for my toddlers, one of whom was pretty sick for a long time after a pretty serious bout with RSV. But I feel as if I am using my kids to excuse my behavior. Being sandwiched is hard.
On the other hand, when she would fight back she would say "you are so ready to say I've lost my mind!" and I knew she was still there. She doesn't fight back anymore. And oddly, I miss it, despite my guilt. So, Countrymouse, your words were more reassuring than you realize. I had not thought of it from that perspective -- you are right. Mom and I never were super close -- we had the more Joan Rivers (not quite wire hangars) relationship to begin with when I was a teen. It got better in my 20s, but by my mid 30s, she was declining, I realize now. And I do still tell her the day to day things, and sometimes I get to tell her good news more than once!
I can't thank all of you enough for your kind words. I found this page by accident, and while I may not post much, I will be reading. My father died from food poisoning -- it was quick and sudden. This is grueling and a type of grief that just seems to weigh and weigh and weigh. So, I thank you for your support as I navigate forward.
You are certainly not alone. Hindsight is always 20/20, but its also pure torture. You did the best you could with the knowledge you had. It is frustrating when our parents are acting out but we just don't know why. We think what have I done to deserve this? Haven't I always tried to be the good daughter?
Before my dad's stroke, he would have his moments, but I tried to make him happy. But I didn't realize he was suffering from high blood pressure, diabetes and cholesterol. He would have these outbursts and I would feel attacked. I just retreated and would ignore him. He had a stroke and three years later he died after a series of heart attacks. I still have terrible guilt and anger about my failure to be more compassionate towards him at the end. I left his hospital beside and two hours later he died. He died alone with a nurse watching his last breaths. I wish still I could go back and be less stubborn and tried to reach out to him more.
I know its hard to see your mom in this condition. But has Devastated has said, there is still time to talk to her and hold her hand. I wish I could still do that for my dad.