Mom doesn't like AL. Siblings are giving me a hard time about care & finances... Help!

So, why hasn’t your sister moved her out to her place and have her living with her, since she thinks it’s such an easy option??

sorry. Tongue in cheek.
I know the answer.
So do so many others on this page.
Stay strong. You are handling it very well.

Your sister seems more worried about the money. You are the POA and HCP. Your mother trusted you enough to put you in charge. Be firm and make decisions that are in the best interest for you and your mother. My cousin placed her mother in a wonderful assisted living facility and her siblings were upset that it was so expensive. Her brother asked her to take care of her. It is amazing to me that they can offer their advice from a distance, but will not do a thing to help out.My cousin continued to keep her in this facility and ignored their requests. Most of the 5 siblings do not talk to her now. I would definitely not provide receipts for them, they should not be involved in her finances, but I would certainly update them on your mother's status by telephone or email. You do not need this stress from your siblings You are in full control of this situation. You need to develop some thick skin and do the best for your mom.


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twll sister is she wants she is more than welcome to care for Mom herself. Keep on keeping on as you are. You are doing a great job. What is sister going to do? Get mad and not talk to you? Great. Keep notes etc and do what you need to do. Best wishes

My friend is retired and took care of her mom and dad for 10 years. Sister called and announced her retirement. My then dad passed, and my friend said, Great, you are retired !! Start looking for a place for Mom because it's your turn to take care of her!! Sis was dumbfounded and didn't even think of that reaction. They kept to that plan, and found a place close to Sis. And unfortunately, Mom lost a wonderful roommate, but friend's mom was placed in a wonderful home near sis. :)

Both kids had their turn taking care of Mom. That was great for that family. it was good.

You know what? It takes a lot to take care of a parent, in home or when in Assisted Living. In home is more difficult. I did both, and have my own family, and I was not getting sleep. I would take care of mom, and in morning drive home, get my kid ready for school, see hubby go off to work. Then I would get ready for work, and repeat the same steps as the day before. Mom would walk during the night, so I would have to shadow her to make sure she was ok. I wasn't ok, I wasn't sleeping. Hubby saw me declining, and realized I was not sleeping. I had to put her in a home, it was a 6 pack pack near me, so I could stope in.
So, if they are not willing to drop everything and be there for mom, then they should not complain or argue. It is tough and hard to do. And if they haven't done it, invite them and offer to pay their way here, and stay with Mom 24/7 to see how well they last. The ball will be in their court. Offer it. " I am more than happy to have physical help, please come out here and take care of Mom, schedule dr appointment, dental appointment, hair appointment, and don't forget the podiatrist and get those toe nails clipped. and mom needs meds, food, depends, bed pads, Ensure, food and meals, socialization, walks, strolls, etc.." Please do come out and help!! The more the merrier. Come out so, I can take a few days off to rejuvinate. "

You're doing alright. Not just alright, but so much more than what your siblings are doing! Taarna is right. Your sister is just trying to control your mom and you. AND YOU HAvE THE RIGHT TO REFUSE HER REQUESTS. If I was as burned out, I would prioritize my time where it counted, not in a argument. It sounds like you're really involved in your mother's healthcare routine and that's praiseworthy. It isn't an easy job to do, let alone all other factors involved.
Diving into these new situations is tough and no one should have to go through it alone. I'm so sorry that your family has withdrawn their support during this hard time, but please come here if you need it! Take a break(yes, it's allowed). Grab coffee and sit somewhere your comfortable at for 30min or so(away from mom if permitted). Talk to different people you encounter. Write out your thoughts. Breathe deeply or listen to music/podcast. Take 10min breaks whenever you feel you need it, and make time for it everyday. Some days won't be calm, others will. There will be rainy days(for your mom) but enjoy the sunny ones when they come around. And if someone wants to rain on that, don't let them!
You deserve you time too.

If you are the one and only POA, you owe the siblings NOTHING. While it might seem sensible to keep everyone informed, it really is NONE of their business. IF mom appointed someone outside the family OR the court ordered a non-family member to be guardian/conservator, they would have NO obligation to reveal anything to any of you. It is mom's information (financial and medical) and you are not required to provide anything to either of them (as others said, legally you probably shouldn't - you could ask the attorney who set up the documents what the legal standing is on sharing this information. If s/he says no, then no.)

For now, I would just stop providing any information. They don't NEED mom's finances spelled out and if they are so concerned about her well-being, let them go visit her.

Best case is all family members work together in harmony and accept everything. Surprisingly there are families like that out there! Next best is working together, but perhaps questioning, but accepting the responses. As much as it would be nice to have one of those scenarios, the next best situation is like my own - the brothers don't do anything, but also don't hassle me. It is enough to have to handle everything, I wouldn't want the added burden of having to provide all that to them! Worst case is pretty much where you are. THEY know best and question, belittle, demand but have no clue.

If sister knows everything, let HER take mom in and give it a whirl! It shouldn't take very long for her to realize it isn't her cup of tea (probably already knows that, since she demands mom move home and YOU care for her!)

As for your brother, it might just be that he can't handle the situation. On hearing how much MC would cost, BOTH brothers immediately said for that kind of money they would take her in. Note it hasn't happened! I told them I wouldn't object, but suggested they understand what they are taking on first!

OB isn't local, so during one of his trips here to help clear out condo, I sent him to visit mom while I got ready. When I suggested it again, he refused saying he 'didn't know what to do with her.' Even if he lived locally, I seriously doubt he would visit again. YB doesn't get it either. When I mention it is too much managing it all myself (there IS a lot to do even when they live in a facility!) his response was that 'they take care of her.' Sure. Who manages all the money, juggling to get just the right amount in the account to pay for the place and necessities not provided? Who picks those necessities up and delivers them? Who manages her medication orders? Who arranges doctor/dentist/haircut appointments? Who transports her? Who has to respond/take care of issues that crop up? Clueless that one.

Sounds like maybe your brother is like my OB. Can't handle the situation and doesn't know how to "get along" with mom as she is now. This isn't the mom he knew.

But, back to the real problem - sister. Convincing mom she needs to go home and you won't allow it? With dementia, does this stick with her after sister is gone? Is sister the one planting the ideas about you stealing from her? Can you have a meeting with staff to find out what is going on when sister is there? If she is doing this, it might be possible to stop her visits (or at least require supervision.)

Like you, I feel it is a huge responsibility to manage everything, but fortunately for me, at least for now, the brothers don't ask and I don't offer. The best you can do is stop providing updates, both medical and financial and just keep good records of everything. As others have posted, some siblings are nasty enough to drag it all to court. So long as you have good records and they can't prove anything, it might end up costing her/them all the court/attorney fees. If any questions arise about not getting updates, just say that when you provided them before, no one believed you anyway, so why bother having those extra tasks for nothing?

Do not buckle to sister and brother's demands. You're doing the right thing with mom being in the AL. Tell sis in no uncertain terms to stop the nonsense. You do not need acrimony, lest it drive you crazy.

Valdan——if you have POA and HCP, and your sister does no care of/for your mom, you dont owe her any explanation for taking care of your/her mom!!! I say its a good thing she has cut ties with you. You should not have any guilt feelings or be stressed out! You know you are doing what is right, for both your mom and you. I would tell your sister if she wants to handle everything, she can move mom in with her!

You are doing the right thing. Mom is well-cared for. Paranoia can be part of the dementia. Your sister is trying desperately to control a situation she has no control over.

Ask sister (and brother) and any other concerned family to meet with you and a counsellor about mom's care. Make copies of those financials for your sister and give them to her at the meeting. Have the counsellor explain what POA and HCP covers. Explain how you are managing mom's situation. Ask the siblings for their help. Decide what is the "best" way to communicate mom's needs and health care changes.

Sadly, I have a brother-in-law who is managing his mom's affairs without POA or HCP and keeps us in the dark. Mom has dementia and is cared for at home by a live-in caretaker in Hawaii - paid for by Dad's life insurance (he passed a couple of years ago). You don't want to be the "secretive sister" but you also shouldn't be the "doormat sister."

Valdan, I feel for you. I think you have made the right choice by having her live in an AL situation. There is always someone there to help her and you don’t have to worry about what she would be doing if she lived alone. As for your siblings what I would do is send them once a month an invoice as to what has been spent and if they aren’t satisfied tell them they are welcome to take over all the responsibilities. They aren’t chipping in to help so they have no reason to complain. You are the POA and HCP your mother must have trusted you to make the right decisions or she would not have asked you to do it. Your mother is very vulnerable since she has dementia. She can’t really make the proper decisions for herself. Don’t doubt yourself. If your sister doesn't talk to you so what that’s on her not you. As for your brother you will never be able to count on him. He won’t help. Its sad but that is usually how it goes with family when it comes to taking care of an elder parent. The siblings think they no better than you and will always have something to say about how you are handling things but your doing your best and like I said if they can do better and know better than by all means let them take over and see how it really is. Your a wonderful person for stepping in to help your mom!! Don’t doubt yourself and don’t forget you only need to worry about how your mom is going and the care she is receiving not that your sister needs a detailed run down of all the expenses and that she’s not talking to you. Try not to stress. Easier said than done. Best of luck to you!! 🤗

Have Sis take care of Mom, but YOU remain POA. Let her see how difficult Mom can be, but you will still be in charge of the purse strings. You can give Sis an operating budget each month.

You are the POA.  You have the control.  If you have no help from the siblings, then YOU are decision maker.  Forget the bullying or the abandonment from your siblings if they are of no help  to you.  Your parent signed the POA at the time you got it, so they put their trust in YOU to do for them what they can no longer do for themselves.  Give your sister a dose of what it is like taking care of your mom by putting your mom with her to take care of.  Reality in doing is a great teacher!

Stop keeping them in the loop - if they want copies then it is 10 cents a page just like lawyers charge & give them an estimate of price which they must pay up front - they are arm chair quarterbacking you & are interfering with your performance of your duties -

So your mom doesn't like it in AL - you know she is safe & well taken care of every minute of every day so ignore her saying that people are stealing from her - she is hiding things then forgets the they are 'stolen' - it goes with the territory of dementia - nobody ever said 'when I get old I want to live in a NH/AL' - you may have to stop her calls from sis if mom is being bother by sis

Keep every receipt & medical report as the money hungry vultures that are your siblings will ask for an accounting at some time - good luck

You have the delegated responsibility via POA etc and as such really owe them nothing - especially since they don't care to be involved any OTHER, more meaningful way. Your mom was trustful enough of you to manage things that she gave you this designation, not them.

I suspect their concern is that you are spending mom's money on her care (as you rightly should) and so there's less left for them at the end. You can't worry about that. Keep doing what you are doing and ignore the noise and drama they are bringing to you. If they don't like how you did things they can sue you after she dies, at which point they MIGHT be entitled to see receipts etc. Don't let them distract you with this nonsense now.

Also it doesn't matter what they tell your mom about where to live...or what she wants at this point. If she's not in a mental state to know what's best for her you have to override her and not feel guilty about it. It's hard switching roles with a parent (from child to 'parental figure') but it can and often must be done.

Good luck! I feel for you, but you are hardly alone in this dynamic.

Try harder to get your brother involved. Will he visit mom once a week/once a month? He doesn't know how to "help" so ask for something specific like taking her to one appointment or one store a month.

It might be calm the waters if you give both your brother and your sister a brief written (or email) summary each month. You don't owe her every receipt & check. You are the POA. She may have "cut ties" with you but a little note or an email once a month is reasonable.

IF they can't come around you owe them NOTHING - NO EXPLANATION! I have now reached that point. I get no help - just judgment, criticism, and from now on will not request assistance as I'm met with opposition. My friends have offered to help me much more than my family - or some family. Good luck - stay strong and don't be a scapegoat to anyone!

To sister: Sure she can come home. I'll be dropping her off at your home next Wednesday.

Stand your ground! Tell your sister that Mom can move to her house if she’s unhappy with the current arrangement. If your sister has convinced Mom to leave AL and return home, refuse to take part in the move. Let your sister take over and take your mom home and find care for her. It’s so easy for the “armchair caregivers” to be dissatisfied and critical, yet they don’t want to provide any help!

Stop telling them. If they ask tell them a generalized summary. I was making the same mistake and had nothing but grief. My sister actually changed dr appointments I had scheduled so she could take over my mother’s medical and drop her perscriptions. ( she told me it’s cutting into our inheritance, really her exact words, unfortunately she’s financial POA, I’m Medical so that may need to change, presently I’m monitoring my mother’s bank accounts ) .
Taking care of parents, especially with questionable siblings, isn’t for sissies.
I also had the hospital system limit who can make and change appointments for her. It’s in her chart so hopefully, they will notice if she tries to do that again.
People lose their minds when money is involved.
lol about your brother. Mine is a 63 yr old bachelor living locally but can’t handle so much as taking my mother anywhere but lunch on a weekend every few weeks , that she pays for btw. My husband meanwhile has to take time off work to help her out , no pay, rarely even a thank you

No Fear Here, Dear...You are in Charge of it All. If Sis is Miffed, She Should have Opted for all of these Titles when they were being Made Out, Let Her Cry Her No Loving Cry Heart OUT.xx

Many good answers here. Decide what you can reasonably do and stick to it. I told my two brothers that, if they couldn’t help, I expected moral support and NO interference!! And, my mother did not come to live with me. That’s an individual decision that works sometimes - but rarely. Emphasis on my first point: know your limits and don’t waver!

You have your mother’s financial and healthcare POA. You are in charge. You don’t have to answer to your brother or your sister. So don’t do it anymore. Tell your sister you will no longer provide information to her regarding expenditures (but definitely continue to keep track of them), nor will you engage in discussion about having your mom move in with you. Explain that you will definitely keep her informed about health issues.

Do not let your mom move in with your sister. If you think it’s bad now, it would get worse. Even if you have both POAs, you would lose control. Your mom chose you for a reason. I would suggest consulting with an Elder Law attorney to better understand your role and rights.

You might even consider blocking your sister from talking with your mom to see if this improves your mom’s state of mind regarding AL. If you haven’t already, meet with the AL staff to determine if your mom is really in the right environment. If not, you can investigate other communities.

Sad as it is, this often happens in families. For you, it’s time to establish some serious boundaries with your sister and seek counseling for yourself to be able to deal with your situation.

Anonymous1256: "The brother (whether he likes it or not) should be involved, too-It's his mother, too."

Absolutely. Why is his grief so special? It's probably just an excuse so that he doesn't have to do anything for his mother.

As usual, wonderful advice here from true experts with grit and heart.

When I read about situations like yours, I grateful to be an only child.

"I totally understand where your coming from, I would love to think Mom could be home too (sister) but having been as involved in all of the details as I have been for X years I know in my heart that me caring for her full time at home would not be the best situation for her, As much as it pains me to admit I know I'm simply not capable of providing the physical and medical care she needs at home. She's better off where she is than she would be with me and so is my relationship with Mom but if you feel you can handle the responsibility and meet all of her needs I am happy to have you move home with Mom and take over her primary care. I will help by doing all the official things I am now, her business and legal medical affairs and I am more than happy to take your lead on things if your the one that's doing the day to day hands on, I would welcome the help and support of us being able to share some of the work and responsibilities, all 3 of us if (brother) is up for it after recovering from Dad's passing. But this move was and is difficult enough for Mom and me so if there isn't a real plan in place that makes sense and is approved by her medical team I can't go back to winging it. Mom needs stability and while I know she says shes unhappy I don't have a better solution and it would really help Mom if you could try to support her current living situation unless or until we have a better one in place."

Escalating things with your sister just doesn't accomplish anything other than to make your life harder, maybe putting the ball back in her court will put a muzzle on her and who knows maybe it will get her to step up and actually be productive and help. I wouldn't turn over any legal responsibility or power to her but you could certainly give her the approval to have medical info shared and ability to "see the books" without doing the work yourself, let her contact doctors , the facility etc and let her look through the financial records if she is that interested you don't need to create more work for yourself as long as you are keeping records. I do think that these tensions can happen easily when a sibling lives further away and another is knee deep in all the day to day hands on work. The sibling who lives far away may feel some guilt for not being more involved and the sibling in the trenches day to day is just trying to hold their head above water, the one who lives far away doesn't offer any practical help because they have no clue what might be helpful and the hands on caretaker doesn't ask for specific help because it doesn't occur to them or because it seems like it's more time consuming to explain what you need that just doing it yourself. In the meantime the sibling who isn't doing anything and only chat's with Mom on the phone weekly (when she's prepared and at her best) visits for the first time in 6-8 mos and is shocked by the change in Mom. Maybe the onsite caregiver minimized the decline not wanting to admit themselves or answering for that moment in time when Mom was doing well comparatively, maybe if they are like me they don't want to put that worry and guilt on a sibling who can't do anything anyway. Whatever the various event's the distant sibling who hasn't been up to date with day to day stuff and has no real understanding of the factors that made you decide it was time for professional care hears Mom complaining and is picturing the mom she knew 2 years ago and it's easier to think sibling jumped the gun than face that Mom needs to be institutionalized. If she had been more a part of the progression and the decisions maybe she wouldn't be fighting it so much but maybe she still would, no right or wrong answer here, just what you've got. It helps though to try and put yourself in her shoes and it would help if she could try to put herself in yours which brings me back to my opening, maybe it will get her to that a little. You may be better off including not fighting them both and not expecting much return.

You ARE having a nervous breakdown so have your sister take her in and answer to you on expenditures if she’s so damn critical. Omgersh that’s so mean of someone to do!!!

Our situations sound similar - I'm sure it's the plight of many a daughter (or son). My brother and sister help very little. In fact, I just got a call from my sister yesterday - first one in months - telling me she had gone to see mom and was surprised by her decline. I could've said "if you visited more often, you wouldn't have been so surprised." But I didn't. I'm just too tired and discouraged to keep fighting that battle. I heard some nasty comments and accusations about my handling of my mother's finances long ago. Those comments stopped when I asked mom if she wanted someone else to handle them - she said she didn't trust anyone but me - and when I offered to turn everything over to them and let them deal with it, they declined.

We used to have a good relationship, but I resent being the one stuck with all of mom's issues while they get to do whatever they please. I resent being the one who has to deal with the doctors, lawyers, trustee, bank, insurance company, and facility staff. I have no special background or knowledge that qualifies me more than them and I don't have POA. I just try to listen, take advice from people who have that kind of knowledge, and make the best decisions I can. I'm sure I've made mistakes, and I know I'll hear about them some day, but at least I tried and was honest in doing so. Best thing to do is just do your best, follow your instincts, make sure there are records of everything, and ignore the snotty remarks and neglect of your mom from the siblings. Yes, it will mean more work for you, but failing to engage with them over things like doc appointments or paying the hairdresser, whose turn it is to bring her home from the ER, and who never takes her shopping takes a certain amount of stress away. Grit your teeth, do what needs to be done and know in your heart that you did what's right even if it was difficult or inconvenient. You know you're going to get stuck with it anyways, might as well not have the stress of dealing with the siblings on top of it.

I know my answer doesn’t address the finances or sister problem but it’s about your mom not liking AL. My mom didn’t like AL either; always crying and threatening to leave. The staff kept urging me to place her in their memory care area. They felt she would do better in a smaller more personalized living situation. She was being bullied by some of the AL residents because of her dementia and crying. Boy was the staff right. It took a very short adjustment period but she really likes it there. Feels safe and loved by the staff. She’s at s Brookdale Senior living facility in Ohio. Thought I’d mention it as a possibility for your mom’s happiness level. My mom told me she wants to stay there til the end.

Unless your mom specifically requested that you share her private financial information with your siblings you are violating your fudiciary responsibility to handle things as mom would have when she was of sound mind and able to make sound decisions by giving them this information.

If she did not request this I would send a certified letter to both siblings explaining that you have recently learned that you can not just share moms private information and you will no longer be doing so. Maybe get a certified elder law attorney (www.nelf.org) to help you understand what your responsibilities are as moms POA. There is a reason mom assigned you when she was in her right mind. You can use mom's money to do this, you are ensuring that she is protected from everyone, including yourself by having a disinterested trained professional take a look and guide you. This also helps you if your sister decides to go to law with her asinine requests and meddling. Hard to say the attorney was breaking the law. Most attorneys will give you a free consultation, schedule with every attorney in your area that is certified for elder law and have all your documents and questions written down, you are interviewing them to be your paid assistant, so if they don't offer a free consultation don't bother with them and choose one that is a fit for your needs, displays competence and understanding of your situation, you will know.

As POA you are able to limit or cut off contact for anyone that is harming your mom. If your sister doesn't stop keeping mom agitated and discontented because of her nonsense you are within your rights to stop her from having contact. This is extreme and last resort, but she is hurting your mom by sowing seeds that are dead on arrival and giving her false hope and keeping her stirred up all the time. It is something to discuss with the attorney.

As others have said, she can go live with your sister, however, if she is demented you have POAs and that can not be changed because mom is not able to make that decision. So you would have to resign and that would leave mom with no representative, not a good idea.

You are doing right by your mom and yourself, don't let your sister make it any harder than it already is. Hopefully, she will come around and see that mom is in the best place possible. It is challenging when you are not there to see what is going on and only hearing about it from the person that doesn't want all this change life is shoving down her world.