She's also quite verbally abusive. She is way worse with my dad, who is still very viable, but to an extent does this to us all. She never was an easy person to like or get along with but its getting so much worse. She is in a significant amount of pain due to a back problem. But she acts like a petulant child that was never taught any manners in addition to getting outrageously angry if she thinks she has told us things that we know she hasn't. If anyone tries to help her, i.e. attempt to reason with her or encourage medical intervention, she thinks we are ganging up on her, telling lies about her and generally wanting others to think she is 'crazy'. She complains all the time and is never happy; although when gently confronted she is shocked- says she NEVER complains and is the happiest person around and how dare us try to make her look like she isn't?! Its driving us crazy. Are there any books or material to help? I am oldest daughter and primary caregiver, outside her home. Any help is so much appreciated.
It's tough. Hang in there!
I would try to get her a complete physical exam and see what the doctor says. They can do a test in the doctor office that can give them some idea of what is going on. But, you need to provide the doctor info on what is happening so they know what to look for.
It would be great if she has already signed healthcare power of attorney and durable power of attorney so that if she needs you or your dad to help act on her behalf, you are able to do so. Without those documents and it will be difficult.
The advice to not argue, do not remind, don't say "But you said you wanted/needed/liked _________________", or anything else along that line is good. If she tell you that she wanted you to get something from the store and you didn't and why didn't you and why does she need to ask you over and over to do something, just smile and say "well, are you ready? we can go to the store right now". No she won't be ready, and she won't want to go, so you can say, "let's put it on the shopping list". Then keep a shopping/to do list in a visible place. Of course you will be responsible for not writing things down, but it is some place where you can go and write it down when she says something. The next day she may ask you why that item is on the list and you can cross it out.
You are playing a game and she makes the rules as she goes along. You will not win if you try to compete, but you will get frustrated, angry, and overwhelmed. Find a good friend, or a therapist, you can unload on on a regular basis. If you don't mind writing, buy a spiral notebook and write it all down in a journal. Just let the emotions go and "tell it like it is". It does help.
He was very difficult at first when he came to live and passive in his demands, but he is now in a NH and coping better it appears. He is on Alzam, an anti-anxiety tablet, as well as Zoxadon. Perhaps you could ask your doctor for advice on meds that would calm your mom.