Mom had a stroke the day she got the moderna covid booster! Now she uses a cane and does Ok physically but it has limited her. Her personality changed too. My dad said once it was like sitting next to a stranger after the stroke. I think she might be having TIAs too but the neurologist doesn’t agree. Then almost a year later dads health declines and he died somewhat unexpectedly. It’s been a year since dad died (2 years post stroke) and mom is so lonely and claims she isn’t grieving she just wants someone to be around her all the time. She constantly texts to see if I can come over. I do go over several times each week as does my sibling but she is unrealistic. She wants me to sleep over etc. She sleeps at my house 1-2 times a week because she hates being alone. She asks people to come do favors for her even if they don’t really need done so she isn’t alone I believe. She actually unplugged her TV and told a family member her TV was broken and I think it was to have someone come over. She had another friend come trim her hedges (they didn’t even need trimmed). I hate that she is so lonely but it’s gotten to the point that she is sometimes selfish. This issue with being alone has not gotten better over the last year and perhaps it’s gotten worse. It’s complicated because I’m not sure what’s from the stroke and what is grief related. Has anyone dealt with this with their parent?
Start looking for one!
Depression and cognitive impairment can present similarly. As you note, there could also be a bit of cognitive impairment (or vascular dementia too?) since your dad noted changes already (I'm very sorry for your loss).
The stroke could have affected her ability to process information and emotions. It could be that she may not remember or be able to assess that the TV is unplugged or that the hedges aren't trimmed, or that family is visiting frequently. The changes in her brain may make it so all she can remember and focus on is that she's lonely, or that she thinks a task is undone, and she can't figure out how to fix, or initiate doing, something.
Often part of cognitive impairment/dementia is that the person doesn't see their changes, and so will not agree with you that they need help and structure (anosognosia). They may lose their ability to have empathy with others. You might need to coax her rather than approach things head on by confronting her with the changes you see or the challenges it presents--she may not see them, and she may dig in her heels.
It sounds like some things are slipping without someone there to help her navigate. Managing a home is bit much for her now. Reasonable solutions to care need to meet the caregiver's needs and time constraints as well. Some people feel that making a move while the person has more capacity to handle change and settling in may be a better option than waiting if there's a concern that there will be a further decline,. You may want to have a frank discussion with your mom's neurologist (without mom) about what they think her future looks like.
If people can afford it, they sometimes start with having an aide in for a bit each day. Or, having more structure and a like-aged community in assisted living or a care home might be a good fit. If there's a concern for decline due to changes caused by the stroke, then memory care may be needed down the line, in which case a facility with memory care attached would be good. Many states have online inspection reports available for their licensed facilities.
If she hasn't already, have her do her POA and healthcare advanced directives now. A certified eldercare law attorney (CELA) can assist with this and financial planning. Given her history of the stroke, she's more vulnerable to scammers and mismanaging finances. If you haven't already, think about setting up safeguards and keeping an eye on her accounts and bills, and cross-checking that she's taking her meds correctly.
So start the search now for the perfect one for your mom, as what you're dealing with now will only get worse.
I wish you well in finding the right facility for your mom.
Once I suggested that mom and friend move in together. They could each have had their own bedroom and bathroom, cut their living expenses in half, and shared household duties. My mom was practically horrified that I would suggest such a thing. Why is our society so fiercely independent that most elders live alone, lonely, with funds running out? Why can’t we build more community and share our sometimes oversized living spaces?
Sorry, OP, that this isn’t helpful. Just something on my mind. I used to think the same things when my kids were little. I tried to enlist two neighbors with small kids to join a supper club, where we would each make supper x3 and we would each only have to cook every 3rd night. They didn’t go for it.
Elders do not thrive on isolation.
My mother is 98 has been in one for almost 4 years, she loves it.
To make a very long story short, we all had jobs and families and lived between 1 and 5 hours away.
We said "mom we can't keep rushing here. You need to be someplace where there are other people around."
We created a fictional scenario where she would move to an Independent Living place "just for the bad winter weather".
By spring, she loved living there and she had no desire to go back to her isolated suburban home.
But it doesn't have to be you or your sib. If she lived in AL, she could have people around all the time. Is she social? Does she have friends?
What is her financial situation? Could she sell her house and go to AL? You cannot continue to be her primary means of socialization. You are already sleeping over 1-2 times a week. Is your sib also sleeping over? In no time, there will be mission creep, and before long you or your sib will be staying over just about every night.
Loneliness is a real concern. Recent studies being discussed on the radio put the negatives to health of loneliness equal with the negatives from smoking.
But in saying that, it is not your role or within your power to actually solve Mom's loneliness for her. It lives within her.
You can, however, keep suggesting to help her set up social events, attend a senior centre day group etc.
If you suspect MORE than lonliness - suspect some cognitive decline, inability to perform ADLs without someone to assist or do them, this is a bit different.
I'd tune in to what your Mother is saying "She hates being alone".
She may be telling you her social needs are no longer being met in her home. That she is ready to move into some type of group living, AL or similar.
PS My Mother says she wants to stay home & does not want to go "into care". But her behaviour shows she actually does want to be in care, to have people around all day. She hates being alone in a room. Wants a person within sight, distractions. Has what is called 'shadowing behaviour'.
It's OK for your Mom to want someone with her everyday. It just obviously cannot be you all day everyday.