My mother was always a kind, loving person and we had a close relationship. All of that changed when she got ill almost 10 years ago, CHF and now Alz for several, 3 years, approximately.
Now she is coming up with false memories and they are negative ones abut me. Things I never did or said to her. She is convinced that I tried to hurt her many times (emotionally). The problem is that she does not accuse my siblings, so it makes me wonder, why me? What do I do? Do I agree with this, also? Thank you
With my dad, it took a while for us to realize and accept that his life was happening entirely in the moment. So ultimately, the question of correcting his memories wasn't relevant to his life. The question became "How do we help him be the most comfortable in this moment?" Because the moment is really all he had.
For my mom (and me as well), the hardest part was letting go of the idea that he could "re-learn" if she just corrected him the right way. It was a slow mourning process to realize that the "learning" ship had sailed. But once we accepted that, it became easier to stay in the moment with him.
One of the techniques was from improv comedy - the "yes and" technique. No matter what he said, he was right and we'd go with it. I don't know if it made anything better for him, but there was a lot less conflict and his mood seemed to improve.
Good luck!
For whatever reason, your mom entrusted your brother with POA. Visit your mom, love her and bring a treat you think she may like. I'm told that if an elder with dementia gets verbally abusive, leaving is the right thing to do if you can't redirect them. I haven't been down this road much; if my mom gets testy, I go walk around the facility for a bit.
If I contact CPS, and they come in and she is put in a nursing home, I will never forgive myself. This is not what she wanted. Given her lack of money, the nursing home would be a very bad place to be. Have done alot of reading about that. I personally believe that I have very little control over it all. I tell my brother what I have seen ... like her hallucinating. She has seen things that are not there. It does not scare her. What does he do? Nothing. Between a rock and a hard place. I cannot do her POA for a multitude of reasons, and cannot take her to doctors as I am not strong enough; in any case she will only go with him and refuses to go most of the time. He is tired. It is 10 years of illness ... congestive heart failure and "suspected demnetia" but no one confirms it. I have read that in the USA doctors often dont want to diagnose it and it is diagnosed after death. Her safety: Yes, that bothers me. I worry alot. Ten years of illness, hospitalizations, falls, surgeries and for the first five I was more active than now. Now my health is not good. I am doing the best I can but she rejects everything. I wish I could do more.
Have you heard of Teepa Snow? Watching some of her videos might be a good place to start to learn some techniques.
How can you misremember things and be so offensive about it? He didn't have CHD at the time, so what's going on there?? I'm completely baffled at his volte-face.
Sometimes, I can't tell if she actually remembers it wrong or if she is choosing to remember it wrong to justify her actions (hence, rewriting history). I believe it to be a combination of both.
It leads to all kinds of nasties, including loss of inhibition and depression. Your mother feels angry and upset (as well as just really *ill*), and she attaches these emotions to you. She's trying to make sense of what she feels so bad about, and you - or the carers or the cleaners - are right there. That's why it's you, instead of the absentees.
Don't falsely agree with her, but don't either waste your breath or agitate her by trying to correct her memories. It's perfectly okay to say "do you really think I would have done that?" and when she snaps or wails "yes!" right back at you, look sorrowful and give her a hug or say "well I love you very much, and here I am."
We found that an SSRI took the edge off my mother's overwhelming depression, but it wasn't a miracle cure. Is that something your mother's doctor might look at?
Dementia is a long tiring journey for all
Have you tried something along these lines, "Oh Mother! How awful it must be to think I did those things. I don't know what you are mixing it up with, but I assure you I never deliberately hurt you. I am so, so sorry you are feeling this way!" Don't admit you did what she claims but sympathize with her feelings.
Does she know she has dementia? Memory problems? Depending on how much she understands and accepts, could you explain to her that sometimes her memory isn't working and she forgets things, and sometimes is isn't working and she remembers things very incorrectly?
This must be very painful for both of you! I am so sorry.