My mom (92) in AL, is once again telling me that staff have stolen things from her & it's stuff long gone. Any suggestions?
Yesterday she complained that her iron is gone (she hasn't had it in 2 years), and all her pots & pans are missing (I have them, but she hasn't had them for 2 yrs.) I understand about "therapeutic fibbing" which I've tried and am not very good at doing it because it goes against my reasoning. It doesn't matter, she just repeats it. She wants to complain to management...again. I really don't know what to say to her or how to accept her accusations against staff. She is in a wonderful place with very sincere staff, and it disturbs me very much that she would accuse them of stealing from her. She has no stove or cooking abilities so of course she wouldn't have pots and pans, but there is no logic in her mind. Should I just tell her I have these missing things? I need help knowing how to deal with fabricated stories.
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Welcome to dealing with the aged, no matter what their problem. When my 95 year old mother started complaining about people stealing her things and/or eating her goodies, I would ask her how she knows this. She would answer that, well they were there and now they're gone. I would ask....did you see who took it? No, she would say, but I know they did. How do you know, I would ask. And, again, because it was there etc. I would tell her that I can't do anything about it for her, like inform the facility, until she actually SEES who is doing it and, especially, if she could get a name. It still goes on in my mother's world, but I still have the same pat answer. Mom has been in AL and now is in memory care....and they still steal. Go figure. She is suspicious of everyone and everything. Don't know if it's because of their age that they do this, or, as in my mother's case, it's something like the apple and the tree. She did it and so suspects that everyone else does it. That goes for lying too. It does seem to subside somewhat as time goes on, but don't count on it. Good luck.
I understand. My Father has been accusing first carers at home and now care home staff of stealing.
It has taken me a long time to accept this. I don't react at all now .I would possibly say the pots were handed in to be used to make her meals then change subject. Very hard to deal with. The staff are very used to this and will be trained how to deal with it. The staff where my Dad is are always willing to discuss any concerns and work out how to deal with issues and support me.
Maybe that would help. They will reassure you too.
Therapeutic fibs are best kept as close to the truth as possible whenever you can - tell your mom that she asked you to hold on to them for her until she has space or that she gave them to you
I told my mom that they were stored at my house for her & when I told her how I built a box spring for a bed in the basement [I couldn't get one down the stair & turn the corner at bottom] - I gave her a blow by blow description of building it with my husband - then I explained how I upholstered it to match the curtains - she actually got quite into it & remembered it for quite some time
Thereafter I would tell her I was storing 'it' for her & often would bring the storage box up so she was happy - there is a good amount of storage but not as much as would hold all she couldn't find but she was happy knowing that items precious to her were respected by the family & that they were safe & sound
Treating her items with respect ~ is being respectful to her in her mind - try writing her a flowery thank you note & rough it up a bit to make it look old & sneak it into her drawer so when she says something about things being stolen you can say you have them & you were so pleased to have them that you wrote out a thank you note - OR even now just send her the note now if you are more comfortable with this then you can show it to her when things come up - it can't hurt
the iron is another problem though as it could be dangerous. however, you could cut the cord and bring her a cordless iron. since mom won't be using the iron anyway, cutting off the cord won't hurt her.
As you know by now it is very common for those with dimentia to become paranoid, to think people are stealing from them.
Have you tried to re-direct your mother when she gets on a rant about items being stolen? With my m-i-l's dementia and no short term memory that usually works well. She often asks us to help her find her car or find a better place to park it and we will remind her that it was sold two years ago then quickly change the subject.
Don't leave too much of value at the home and get used to it
hils, I think I’m going to leverage your inventory idea somehow, thanks.
Try to teach yourself to use those "therapeutic fibs" as that can make the story teller feel better, thus you feel better. Such as someone stealing your Mom's pots and pans.... I would have said, wish someone would steal my pots and pans so I wouldn't need to cook dinner tonight :P
And when you think about it, life in a nursing home can be boring for some residents, so story telling gets attention, thus one gets into a routine of trying to out beat someone else's story. Keeps the gossip mill busy.
Supposedly that is why seniors often blurt out comments and often seem hurtful and nasty. Maybe it is dementia, but maybe also less executive control in our brain.
It seems to me that being paranoid could be a natural consequence of fear and uncertainty.
I hope that as I age and begin to lose it little by little people will understand that I have no intentions of being horrible and mean.
Moral of the story? Let it all go in one ear & out the other. Allow the staff at the facility to handle your mother, that's what they're paid to do. And, as far as 'therapeutic fibbing' goes, at some point you'll need to do it, period. As the dementia progresses, it's a lot kinder to agree with whatever they're saying, or to lie to diffuse the situation, than to allow them to go on with their delusion of the moment. Dementia has nothing whatsoever to do with 'logic'.
Best of luck!