Mom is living alone in her home of 48 years and seems fine. But I'm wondering if she's brushing her teeth or bathing and she resents concern.

tonipoindexter, I think that is a great idea of having a home health person come in to help Mom with certain things. It's amazing how an older parent will take the suggestions of someone in uniform, compared to taking suggestions from their own children. Then again, we are just the "kids" and what do we know? :)

Now, will your Mom allow "strangers" into the house? That seems to be a common battle. My Mom would refused. Dad, on the other hand, would be holding the door open for the caregivers to come in to help him. Hope your Mom is the latter.

As for your Mom bushing her teeth, that's tough. Sometimes we need to pick our battles, and teeth bushing is usually down the list. Can Mom eat apples? That's nature's tooth brush.

If you think you are likely to get resistance from mom on someone coming in once a week maybe you could try giving it to her as a "gift" or having someone else give it to her, kind of like giving someone maid services. It might even be better received if it were an older relative gifting this, someone who knows what a luxury it is to have help with these things. I do think it's hard for many of our parents as they age to have their children bathing them and it's easier to accept from a "professional" like one would in the hospital plus they have the added benefit of experience with the best way to accomplish bathing while maintaining the patients dignity. But I also think having someone to come in to help and take the burden off of mom, "pamper" her because she deserves it is a great idea if you can swing it.

I have concerns that brushing teeth (or lack thereof) is the tip of the iceberg here. Loss of short term memory and beginning to neglect daily activities such as brushing are HUGE signs something is amiss. If she'll let you, it may be time to partner with her on some issues. For one, start making sure finances are in order, look into legal paperwork (health care proxy, living will, power of attorney) before there is further degradation. If she doesn't allow you to help, it may be time to exert covert actions on her behalf. How you approach it depends on her reactions to the initial discussions. Read, read, read - starting with all subjects on this forum. Note the "tags" that applied to your original post. Each is a link that will bring you to more information on each topic.

I fear for you and your mom that significant changes are coming, sooner rather than later. As much as possible, plan now to get ahead of them. Because when the time comes, you may be in a state of panic to be able to be helpful. Good luck to you.

I hate to say it, but this sounds just like my mother at the beginning stage of dementia. My mother would get angry if I mention that she needed a shower, cleaning out the fridge, and I notice that she wasn't doing the dishes (she has a dishwasher), then she started letting in stray cats in the house. Ugh!


Sounds like dementia:(
Just my 2 cents!

This sounds like my mother. And I live with her.
She would not let me help her with bath, personal care.
I have hired an agency to send an aide in four hours a day weekdays. The side cleans her up in the morning, gives her a shower, gets her dressed, walks her, talks to her, etc.
I can handle the house. I can't be hit and punched while caring for her. So while my siblings balk at the cost, this is a Godsend.
And I get a few hours out of the house, which helps me.

Seems fine... has NO short term memory.

Um. What do you mean by "fine," then? And how long is it since you noticed this falling off in her ability to care for herself?

You don't say how old Mom is, but I'm guessing she is eligible for free HomeHealthCare and they will check on her weekly (I believe her physician must request the HomeHealth) and you will get a better idea of how she is doing.

We had it for my Dad and later for my DH and I was always thankful to have an extra pair of eyes on them.

This happened with my MIL and she was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s shortly afterward. Get her legal paperwork in order immediately and start looking for care in a facility. I’m sorry to say...someone who bristles when you tell her she needs to bathe will not get better with this. My MIL is in a memory care assisted living facility and she very much resents being told she needs to bathe or brush her teeth. I think she is embarrassed by her lack of competence and does not want to be called out on it. My MIL would not accept help from anyone in her home.

I agree her personal hygiene isn’t the biggest problem. What if she forgets a pot on the stove and starts a fire? Or like in my mother’s case , eating 3 week old meatloaf(🤢) .
My stepfather forgot how to brush his teeth about midway thru Alzheimer’s. My mother has vascular dementia and refused to shower at home pretty early on. I think she was afraid of falling but now at the ALF (with more advanced dementia) claims she can do it and has never needed help( not true lol)
I didn’t notice your location but 24/7 in home health care in my area is double cost of a very nice ALF .
Truthfully, there comes a time when their judgement is so faulty you can’t allow them to make the decision. Imo safety is much more important than pride.

tonipoindexter;

As ShenaD pointed out, if you don't live there, you really have no idea what she does or doesn't do! I discovered after we took mom's car away and had to provide food or trips to grocery that she wasn't cooking anymore. She was eating mainly frozen dinners and packaged foods like graham crackers and fruit cups! Even her beloved muffins, which she would cut in half and freeze for later were not being eaten, as she'd forget she had them. Worse, she resorted to cutting up grocery bags to wrap them up although she had more than enough plastic wrap, tin foil and freezer baggies!!! If I didn't leave enough trash bags in the bottom of the trash can, she'd use grocery bags there too (much too small!) She would ask for more paper towels, TP, plastic wrap, etc and stash them away and forget she had any!!

Our mom lived alone and wasn't close enough to visit daily (more like every other week.) She also had short-term memory issues, mainly repetitive questions or statements (the first inkling I had, but in retrospect there were some other minor subtle "clues".) However, once you really get involved you realize it is worse than suspected (see above!)

We also tried the home aides, with plans to let her stay in her own place as long as possible. It can't hurt to try, but be aware that all too often they will reject this "help." We started with 3 days/week, 1 hour (the minimum offered) and all they had to do was check she took her meds and ensure she was okay. One was definitely more "industrious" and would sweep the kitchen and/or clean up the bathroom. Mom would get embarrassed or something and either try to get her to stop or would contribute. I didn't really care what they did for the hour, so long as the meds were checked (used a timed locked dispenser) and she was okay. We upped this to 5 days/week, but in about 2 months or less she refused to let them in! That ended that plan.

Time for plan B. It took us time to find a place we liked, and the one we chose was still in the rebuild phase, so we had to limp along and wait. Moving her was another challenge!

Is it possible for one of you to stay there for a week, maybe alternate you and your daughter so it covers 2 weeks? Then you will have a much better idea what her real needs are. Use an excuse, maybe like you're having work done and need a place to stay for a week. Don't offer to help or do things she doesn't seem to be able to right away, just monitor (of course you can work together on making meals, cleaning or whatever, just don't take over - you need to see what she can and can't do.)

Once you have a better idea of what all her needs are, you can look into hiring someone, but be prepared for refusal. If you are lucky, she will be okay with help. As others noted, neither you nor the aides can force her to do anything, but if the aides are any good, they can coax some people to accept some help. If she is like some and refuses help/aides, you will have to start planning for another solution (AL or MC.) Mom's self-image/perception was certainly out of whack - she and your mom might THINK they had bathed, brushed, cooked or what have you, but in reality it was weeks ago! Mom considered herself fine, independent, etc. and would tell you or anyone else she was, but she wasn't. Even now I had to resort to cutting the size tag out of new clothes, because she wouldn't consider like/dislike, she would look at the size tag (Oh, that is too big, I usually wear a medium!)

Towards the latter part of her living alone, we had some cameras installed, to monitor the door and downstairs area - observing to be sure no one gets in, she didn't wander and could see now and then she was okay - while watching the video clips, I noted she started wearing the same clothes over and over, even up to 6 days one week! This was NOT her norm...