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Mom is seeing and says talking with dead relatives and is very upset because they don't answer her. What do I say?

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Suggest to your mom that the dead relatives are there to bring her comfort and peace with just their presence, that they don't speak, but if your mom would like to talk to them she may as long as she knows they can't respond.
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That's a great response Eyerish!!
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I have tried that but still upset they don't respond. Told her they were there to comfort her.
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This may be a dumb question but please bear with me. Does your mom realize they are dead? Or does she think they are really there? The reason I'm asking is that if you know you are receiving a "visitation" from the other side, you would also know that you can't control that visitation (I.E. they may not answer/speak, may just emanate a peaceful aura). If you don't know it's a visitation...and you think the people are really there....then of course you would be mad that they aren't answering...how rude of them! She probably thinks they are really there...she probably doesn't realize they are dead and gone?? Maybe she believes she is much younger than she is, and that these people are still alive?

Incidentally, I am a believer...and have heard hundreds upon thousands of stories of the dead visiting when the time to pass for the receiver of the visit is near...

Angel
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Yes she does not remember they have died many years ago. I too thought they may appear to her because they are waiting for her. Her favorite her husband, mom and sister. I told her they are keeping close watch because they love her.
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From what you've written, Ggii, your mom is not "seeing dead people."

She is having hallucinations and/or delusions about relatives, some or all of whom are deceased but without her acknowledging that they are dead. That is quite a different matter.

The most common advice for dealing with people who are hallucinating or are delusional is not to argue about the experience. If they see Harry, they see Harry. Try to reassure them about any aspects of the experience that are distressing.

(My Mom recently asked me if I knew when Dad was getting back from his fishing trip. I did not point out that he died 18 years ago. I merely said I didn't know but I sure hoped he'd caught a lot of fish ... and then turned the discussion topic to fish fries!)

It seems that the disturbing part of these experiences for you mother is that these hallucinations don't speak to her. Reassure her about that. "Oh Mom, you know that Bill is too vain to get glasses. He probably didn't recognize you!" You don't need to know or explain anything about "Bill" being there at all. Accept your mother's version, but give her some comfort about why they aren't talking to her.
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You can try guided imagery. Can she give them a hug? Can she talk to them and just let them listen?

BTW, if she's close to the end, she may start to be able to interact.
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I absolutely loved jeannegibbs idea about saying something like "you know how he is - won't wear his glasses and didn't know it was you," or "he/she is just so delighted to see you that nothing more is needed."

The main thing is not to deny that she see them (she does - how or why isn't the issue). So the issue is to try to explain the reason that they don't respond since that seems to be what upsets her.

Validation is one of the most challenging and creative things a caregiver must do in order to help the loved one. Sometimes it's not possible to provide enough comfort, but do what you can and then try distraction.

Good luck to you. You sound like a wonderful caregiver.
Carol
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How about medications? Could a med be causing this? Or be the cure?
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As a bible believer, I understand Luke 16:26, where Jesus tells us there is a "great gulf fixed" between the dead and the living. I gently tell my mother, when she insists frantically that dad needs her help (he's been dead since 2003), or when she sees people who are not there, that God is taking care of them and/or that her mind is playing tricks. If she's extremely upset and walking the floor at night with this kind of hallucination/delusion, that's when it's time for some medication. As a bible believer, I know we are to communicate the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15 and comfort the feebleminded (I Thessalonians 5:14). Of course, the truth doesn't always comfort people, well or sick. So I pray aloud with her or for her, which does help most times.
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Great thoughts already shared. I'm wanting another perspective.i wonder what your feelings when she shares that she is seeing people who have died?. When I/we feel comfortable, we are more able to be curious about the other person's different sesense of time and reality. I'm not always able to feel comfortable. That's when self compassion is important, One thing I've become aware of on this dementia journey is there is much I don't and probably won't ever understand. It's truly a mystery, Living in that mystery is not always living in my comfort zone, When I am able to recognize/admit my discomfort...at leastt to myself...I am more authentic in my response. My husband picks up on that energy, non verbal part far more than what words I say. In other words, your love and caring is coming through.
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All the above are excellent input. I can only add that if the behavior is a change from previous behavior. It could be due to a UTI.
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Angel, I agree with you. I had a near death experience when I was a young child and I saw dead relatives at that time so I am a believer. I also believe that the dead sometimes appear to the dying to ease the path for the dying and to "call" them away, especially if they are having a hard time leaving. It might not be what's happening in this particular case but it is a possibility that death is near. During my father's last few weeks, there was an instance where he was gracefully winding down and starting to accept that he was coming to an end. I am fairly sure, (for several reasons that I won't discuss here) that there was a moment when he saw a dead relative while I was sitting with him.) I didn't say anything to him but there were certain signs that I'd read about and felt for myself. I know that it sounds weird but those are blessed visitations that should be embraced.
Tell your mother that her dead relatives are visiting her because they miss her.
Tell her not to be afraid. They are there to comfort her and send her love.

It could be her meds. it could be an altered state of mind due to her illness. Or, it could be a visit from relatives sending waves of love to ease her path out of this world. Don't deny it. Embrace it.
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My mother sees dead relatives in dreams, they do not speak. She says they are so real she opens her eyes expecting to see them in the room. The presentation is always peaceful and she speaks to them, of course they don't answer. I listen and acknowledge what she saw. She is also troubled because the visions never speak because they look so real to her. I take this as normal because at 91 she misses her sisters and mother dearly. I certainly can't say that what she is seeing is only a dream, it is real to her.
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Embrace it, indeed! This definitely happens ... my FIL saw his mother about a week before he passed. She died tragically when he was 14! Imagine the joy of seeing her again! When I validated what he was seeing, he smiled and was at peace. That's a good place to be! I think what can be difficult for us as caregivers is we first need to be comfortable with our own mortality before we can effectively assist with our loved ones. I'm glad this topic came up as i think my MIL is having visits now. Thx for this dialogue!
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As my mother lay dying in a hospital bed in her living room, she was on morphine. She went in and out of consciousness for many days and was under the care of hospice. When awake, she kept asking why there were so many people there. I explained the grandchildren came to visit her. She said no, the others, the ones around her bed. Then she began to name them. They were relatives who were long gone, grandmother and aunts, etc, people I had never met but had heard of them. She also said there was lots of food everywhere. If I had not see it with my own eyes, I would not have believed it. It raises the hair on your arms. Real? Hallucinations? When her end time came closer, we encouraged her to go with those people to the 'bright light' that she had also mentioned. My mother was a very strong believer in Christ.
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A day doesn't go by that mom isn't seeing or talking to somebody she thinks she's actually seeing, dead or still alive. If she's sitting quietly in the living room or in the car, grinning from ear to ear, I've learned to leave her be and let her enjoy herself since it makes for peace for both of us in this situation. (The conversations mostly seem to be with old dead or still living grade school friends or fellow workers from the past). I used to try to get involved in these "conversations" out of curiosity, asking questions but found she just gets mad and ignores me to get back to her imaginary friends. I'm okay with the harmless behaviors, which can be hilarious, and we can laugh together. I'm glad she can still smile about what probably is some good memory she's having, and I can have 5 minutes to myself mentally. I'm never comfortable with the negative delusions/hallucinations but am relieved I don't need to be as a bible believer because I understand we are not in reality going to be "feeling" good all the time nor is it required. I'm still working on learning patience, among all those other virtues, and quietly handling the situation, whatever it is, and that's been hard to learn for me. Mom knows I love her, and I know she loves me, and uncomfortable moments do pass sooner or later. My personal strength truly comes from reading and studying my bible rightly divided (II Timothy 2:15) . I know I don't pray enough, so I work on that also. I've got a good backup system in my sister and niece, and we can have mom placed at any point when necessary. This disease is so nasty at times and for us could continue another few years at least. One of mom's aunts with Alzheimer's lived to her 90s. Mom is 81 and has not been "right" since before dad died, some 13 years now.
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Ggjj 11 My own Mother is 87 years and is the mild stage of Alzheimer's. Mother dreams a lot and She always dreams of Relatives and Friends Who had been very cloce to Her but had passed on some years ago. This is My opinion the Spirits of the dead are able to connect with Mother in Her sleep. I have been asked countless times is X y or z alive ? and the answer is always the same NO MOTHER SHE PASSED AWAY A GOOD NUMBER OF YEARS AGO.
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Mom saw both deceased husbands regularly. Even though we reminded her they were in the cemetary, she would argue. She even thought the resident across the hall at her nursing home was after husband #2 for his money. The amusing thing is that the lady across the hall was very keen on men and ran out of her room whenever men were visiting nearby so she could be near them. My mom was very religious and did not believe that the dead come back. So we all agreed to stop arguing with her and I would tell her not to worry about the money as I was guarding it. That gave her some comfort. Its very difficult and best to just reassure them. They are seeing these people whether in dreams or daytime hallucinations and it feels very real to them.
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My mother has Lewy Body Dementia, and two years ago when she was mostly 'with it' said her grandson came to visit and then 'took off' without saying a word. I thought it was odd he hadn't called me, but he continued to visit her quite frequently, so we knew something was up. My father, her parents, people she used to work with came in and out of the house. People on tv were sleeping in her back room. Mom was very worried about my grandmother sitting outside on the front step. Mom was irritated that my father was coming into the house at night and she left him sandwiches. She wrote notes to my brothers who came in and out of the house. All this was, of course, totally in her head. I would get calls midnight, 2, 3, 4 a.m. asking if I could go pick these people up 'after work'. An alarming and creepy phase of dementia! All you can do is smile and nod, and change the subject. Arguing doesn't do any good.
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When I was hospitalized so ill that death was a possibility I had what I will call an
experience. maybe it was a dream maybe an hallucination who knows. but I went to a place where my dead mother was. i did not see her but i distinctly heard her say "Don't think you are coming in here" from that I assumed she meant her current abode. As I said I never saw her but I did see her sister and knew they were all really there but the one aunt was the only one I recognized.
Was I dreaming or hallucinating who knows but just thought i would share that.
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Ggjj,
I am a Christian, Believer in Christ. In His word, the Bible, Philippians 4:6-7 says: "Be anxious (fearful, nervous) for nothing, but in everything by prayer & supplication with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, shall guard your hearts & minds in Christ Jesus." I've discovered with my 92 yr old mom, the Word of Christ will stand & minister to her deepest heart needs, regardless of her mental or physical state. Could you read this aloud to her & pray with her? Christ will comfort her in this & He will give you & her His peace as in His Word, that surpasses all comprehension. I pray that He will bless & guide you in all of this & you will feel His peace. No fear. Praying for you as I write this. His Blessings to you!!
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My Dad also experienced this. It's a little unsettling when you're put on the spot to answer their questions when they ask you about them! A good friend of mine's mother (who by the way did NOT have dementia) while laying in bed asked him who were all those beautiful GYPSIES sitting behind him!! From having talked with the hospice nurses, and social workers, they told me about so many experiences of patients seeing their deceased loved ones, and around them. I think it's a very normal and beautiful phenomenon. Also, as Thomas0611 has mentioned in his post, a UTI can REALLY cause very strange behavior as I have experienced with my Dad. My Dad's gone now, and I empathize with all of you and what you're going through.
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How do you know she isn't seeing them...God provides a way to transition from this world into the next...eternity with Him...my gram did this before her passing...it comforted and reassured me..it's a blessing to witness this!
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My Mom sometimes asks about dead people as if they were still alive, such as "where are Mom and Dad" or "when is (name of her husband) coming back?" These remarks usually come just after she's been napping or wakes up from sleeping. Her principal caregive and I came to the conclusion that she's having very vivid dreams, and when she awakes suddenly, she is confused about where she is because the dream seemed so real. When we point this out to her, she remembers she was dreaming and the people she was dreaming about are deceased. She has had frequent bouts with UTI, and that really increases the odd behavior. However, if she said these people had appeared to her, I wouldn't be surprised because of her religious beliefs.
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My mom say dead relatives a week before she past. We also told that they were there for comfort. My uncle also saw them & when my aunt came home from church the kitchen was in chaos. She asked him what was going on & he told her that there were all this people that showed up for breakfast & there was only the two of them. A week later he also passed. It's like they come to comfort them before they pass. Good luck & god bless you.
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My mother did that. We were on the phone and mom said 'say hello to your aunt'....... except my aunt died many years ago. Fortunately my family told me ahead of time mom might do that. She had a urinary tract infection. First time I had heard of UTI doing that. After medication, mom didn't see dead people anymore.
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When elderly people see or hear from dead relatives, it's not 'hallucinations' but real contact! Right before my Uncle passed, he sat bolt upright in bed, smiled broadly, and yelled MOM! I have no doubt he was seeing his deceased mother who was bringing him comfort and helping him with the transition to the Other Side. This is a very common occurrence and should be celebrated. My Mom sees and hears my deceased Dad on a daily basis, and the last thing I'd do is pooh-pooh it away. It's a wonderful reminder that death is not the end, but a brand new beginning.
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When my Ma was still having 'lucid' times she begged of me to always tell her the truth, and help her sort things out.
so I do tell the truth.
I listen to what the 'dream' is about and who was there and what they said. then I go all clinical and discuss with her that she has lost her memory in little bits n pieces. and that either a word or what someone is wearing here at the rest home has triggered off that bit and reminded her of her Uncle Jack or her mother or whom ever. that yes her memory is making up their responses, in the dream.
I had to do that for the biggest anxiety for her is that her dead husband hasnt been to visit cos he is having an affair...... its far better to know he is dead, than cheating on her.
She cant remember having had children and these days is about the age of 15-25 from what I can work out, for the memory bit.
It calms her down, and we clinically discuss that she is 93 etc etc and what has happened in the past 75yrs.
Now that works best for her, and my hardest is getting the rest home staff NOT to lie to her. Yes its so much easier to say.. " Your mother has gone to town" or "Your husband has gone to work" but that becomes so much of a confusion for her. She can still have lucid moments, and then tells me how and what the staff have said. I have made the RN sit in on my visit to Ma, and how to calm her down from a bad 'dream state' and things improved.
Everyone has their theories and yes I originally had thought Id go along with the 'hallucinations' but realised that for my Ma that dont work.
Look to see what your own Mother can accept, and work from there
Ive also been in the deathly zone, and had those for real hallucinations due to medications and sickness....... they are/were awful. and 18 yrs later I still remember them vividly
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I just wanted to add....that at first I didn't know what my dad was talking about when he'd ask about people he was seeing standing behind me, etc. I learned that it's best not to be negative or tell them there's no one there. That would stress my Dad out more, because he was definitely seeing them. I would just go with the flow, and ask him who they look like, or they are there because they love him. I can only imagine how scary it must be to feel like you're the only one seeing things with no one understanding around you. I would try to be as patient, loving and kind, understanding as possible. I know it isn't easy when you're a tired worn-out caregiver like I was!! But you can do it. Much love
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