This is just what is going on now. Lots of history.
We drove to Pgh from Colorado to attend a funeral. After, we went to mom's. I hadn't seen her in over a year as I was finishing my last year of work and had no time. Then COVID happened and we waited to travel.
When I was at mom's, we got into three arguments. Twice about politics, and once when I calmly tried to explain to mom that she can't treat us like children. That, as a parent, words matter and that they can hurt very badly.
Other than that, I did my level best to be good and help out: complimented her, her home, how organized she was. Took down sensors for a disabled security system, changed the bed all guests had been sleeping in for 10 years. .....After having not seen my OWN ortho doctor since surgery in February (due to Covid), I went to the hospital with her for a blood draw, to the foot doctor, and to the ortho. I went to the grocery store twice. That's twice more than I've gone at home. Went to Walgreens (haven't set foot in a drugstore).
We stayed a week longer than planned, because mom had a baker's cyst and was having falling episodes. I went with her to get a shot in her knee. After we felt she was safe and would not fall....we left. We communicated all across the country. Amicably.
...and for that...
I got flat out accused of stealing 20 of her pain pills (which she needs and has a limited supply). She guarantees me that nobody other than me, my husband, and my niece had access to the pills. I know that my husband or I didn't take her meds, so that leaves her and my niece (who has a history of stealing pills). I called her immediately when accused, and emailed her at length trying to help her figure out the pill thing, but she wants to blame me, so she is. I think I'm safe to blame.
Everything I read about this behavior says...change the subject, don't fight with them, you can't change them....etc. etc. That's HARD for me.
The bottom line is that she can get me nearly suicidal with her words and actions. I realize that I need to control how she affects me....I'm in therapy and I'm working on it.
But for now, I must detach from her for my own well being. I get angry hurtful emails from her in the morning and it wrecks my whole day. Can't live like that. I've blocked her emails and restricted her from my facebook posts. I've also reduced the amount of money I've been sending her each week for 20 years. The original amount was fine when we were working, but we're now retired. I haven't told her yet.
Mom's crap is wrecking one of my MOST IMPORTANT relationships. My relationship with my brother. Tired of having screaming matches with my brother on the phone.
I'm also disgusted by mom and my niece having political lovefests together (especially when there's a chance that my niece took her pills).
I'm losing my empathy for her and I'm tired of being one of the bad guys.
I've seriously considered cutting all ties, for self preservation. We need help!
She's been verbally abusive, ungrateful, and a victim her whole life. She stayed with us through 6 months of chemo, and the only thing she recalls of that is that we left her and went to the beach for a week. We needed a break!!!!!!
But there's that vulnerable part of her that needs help, attention, and love. I would be willing to move her to Colorado and care for her the rest of her life.....if she treated us well. But I won't and can't live with this abuse.
As to politics, particularly at this time in our history, when we are SO divided, I think it is very unwise to "go there" with family. I quite honestly would not have a lot of respect for any family member just how who was on the opposite side politically, so much do I lack any respect whatsoever for that side. Blood for me may be thicker than water, but also easier to leave behind when I must.
It is very much a no win situation. You tell us you did all these things for your Mom and that there was no appreciation, but rather accusation. Unless Mom has sunk into dementia, this cannot be a new thing for her.
The point now is to build a NEW life for you. Understand that your mother is another person, that you cannot change her, and in fact may not even like or admire her overmuch. She isn't responsible for your mental health. Nor is your bro. You are responsible for it. I know that sounds easy and I know it is NOT easy, so I am glad you are seeing a therapist.
We have two times when we can make a good family. The one we are born to and the one that we make of our friends and our immediate family going forward. Go to work on your new family. Shower the love and attention on those who appreciate it. Anything else is an utter waste of time and trouble.
Allow Mom the dignity of seeing to her own needs.
As to the pills. It is basically, "Hey, I didn't take them. Can't speak for anyone else. You're free to think whatever you like. But learn the lesson of locking them up would be my suggestion. Opioids kill."
I've pretty much built my own amazing / successful life and my mom hates me for it. I thank you and the others here for the good words. I intuitively knew this, but, being raised by a woman who believes she is ENTITLED to my full attention and support, and who is jealous of me....has kinda messed me up.
I've told my mom many times to lock up her pills. She never listens to me.
Again....Thank you very much.
You need to stay in therapy to figure out why on God's green earth you would consider moving your mother close to where you live. Do you think that's going to make her happy? No, it will be all the more YOUR fault for moving her to an unfamiliar place.
Her actions have consequences. I would take a couple of weeks off from communicating with her at all.
Google "grey rock" and see if it's a technique you could use when you do start back.
What does your brother think is the right course of action?
My brother and I have decided to leave her be. To each check in once a week and to keep it light.
But like you recommended, I'm taking a break. I sent her an email telling her so, and I told her I love her. Time is amazing and I'm feeling better day by day. But I need to remember the great advice I'm getting here and not throw myself under the bus with her again.
Thanks again!
Are the screaming matches related to the missing pills allegation? - or to what?
For the love of Mike, drop even the idea of moving your mother to Colorado.
I wouldn't do anything. Or, rather, I'd try your level best to avoid doing anything. Let water flow under the bridge. When did you get back home this last visit?
If you've already reduced - this is a bigger subject, but it can wait - the financial support you're giving your mother you had better tell her, and tell her why. Otherwise it's going to look punitive. Spiteful, in fact. You must know perfectly well that your years of kindness in giving her this support at all (?????!) will be as nothing beside your withdrawing it without warning, and the result will hurt both of you.
I agree to let it flow. Rudder don't stear. I emailed her about the money. Reduced it. Told her it is due to us retiring (which it is). We were in Pgh with mom from July 1 - 8.
You are so right about everything. Thank you so much!
You are completely right to back off and let her live her life. DO NOT move her near you. Lots of history and we all know that history repeats itself.
She is decided that you took her pills, don't argue, just tell her that you didn't take them, you have no clue what happened to them and you don't want to hear anymore about it and then you hang up if she persists in the accusations.
Learning to acknowledge that you heard her without agreeing or disagreeing will save you the frustration of arguing. We all have our own opinions and that is okay, nobody needs to agree with us.
People tend to side with and defend the individuals that they see most, so your niece will always be the golden child because she is present, don't take it personally. I know that is not always the case with off spring, in that case it is the caregiver that is the bad guy when dealing with personality disorders in our parents.
Go enjoy your retirement.