90 year old Mom lives with her maltese puppy. Any advice on her "care" of the dog?

Nikki.
First thing stop and take a deep breath. You are like a runaway freight train.
Check with your or Mom's lawyer and make sure you do have the power to do everything you think you can.
The next thing is make a list mentally or written of all the things you can change and then those you can't.
Top of the can't list is her treatment of the dog so ignore it unless she is being neglected or abused.
Top of the can list is financial control. Remove her credit card if that is the way she is buying junk. Give her a set amount each week so she has money in her purse but anything over that you have to supervise and pay the bill. if she is asking others to buy stuff and she or you will pay tell them this can no longer happen. I think you said all mail now comes to your house so that is something good you have already done.
Talk to your cousin in Florida so she knows what Mom is proposing and that you are not going to allow it. That way you are both on the same page no matter what arrangements the twins think they are making. chances are high her sister is as demented as Mom is.
Now about the respite. Do not allow Mom to prevent you from doing things for yourself alone. Just hiring some one and telling them where to go is not going to work you know that. You have to find a caregiver who is very experienced in care of dementia and you may have to interview a number. It can be an older Aide because there is no actual care at this point. Tell don't ask you mother what is going to happen and go with the caregiver to your Mom's home. You must be prepared to stay for the whole visit. go in and introduce them and when Mom tells her to leave tell her firmly this is not going to happen and would she like the Aide to do any cleaning, laundry etc and when mother becomes pouty tell her you have brought over two games you know she likes playing and which one would she enjoy. If she refuses choose one and set everything up for the three of you. If she won't play include her hand and play it for her. let her win most of the time. " Oh mom you just brought the White House" Have the Aide make a drink of choice for all of you and produce favorite cookies. After the visit see the Aide out and tell Mom you are going home but will look in later. Do not comment unless she does. If you are not comfortable with the Aide try another one till you are satisfied. If you can run home during a visit just go across the street for a few minutes then go back. Don't tell mom you are going to leave her alone with the Aide but when you plan to have some time off go over with the Aide and tell Mum you will be home before the aide leave and make sure the Aide has your cell number.
Try not to let the threats get to you, stay calm and non committal. you have got the control, if she contacts a realtor which she might she can sign all the papers she likes but they won't be legal and you can call the realtor off.
Don't worry about her never speaking to you again that's not going to happen.
You certainly need a break and time to collect your self to be able to continue with this madness. As others have found you have to wait for something to happen before changes can be made. Learn what you can about the disease and really step up into the drivers seat. Reversing roles is never easy but it has to be part of caring for a parent with . Blessings and come back often it never hurts to vent and everyone understands

Your mother sounds very much like my mother who is 92 with dementia. She has always been a beautiful and talented woman but could never figure out basic stuff. Her stock answer for anything she couldn't fix or work out was always, "I'm not good at electronic stuff". Now, she can barely write a letter. She has to ask me what to say on a birthday card. She was never like this before. And she gets certain things (never the things you want!!) stuck in her head and will keep bringing them up.

At first, I really tried hard to get her to STOP feeding her dogs from the table. Now, I realize that that is never going to happen. So instead of making myself even more nuts, I try to find something for them that won't hurt them and that will make her happy. I just do the best I can. She also moves their food bowls into the middle of the room and I worry about her tripping over them too, so I always move them back without saying anything as it doesn't do any good.
Have you tried calling the Alzheimer's Association? They are very helpful and knowledgeable and can give you some good advice on how to deal with her. Best of luck!

CM, you know what I have been to this doctor for a decade for myself, and i know his patterns but today I am going to say, hey there bucko, wait a darned minute (lol) and tell him in the friendliest way I can that I need 5 minutes of undivided attention and stop shaking your leg like a go-kart ready to take off at the flag. :)

I would bring someone who could be objective, like a geriatric social worker. My aunt did this for her older brother because his place was really a mess also. Tell her that her doctor wants this person to come and check on her living arrangements - at least you will have someone else on your side.

Clearly her dementia is catching up to her. Unfortunately your POA cannot be used to put her in a nursing home or ALF. You would need to have a judge declare her incompetent and appoint you as her Guardian. Some ALF's allow pets, some don't. Maltese has a breed rescue organization, but the owner has to willingly give up the dog, and chances are she won't. So you, like many of us, have to sit and wait for her to fall and break a hip and be totally immobilized. Good luck.

I doubt there's anything you can do but wait for the inevitable - a fall that incapacitates her requiring care 24/7 - which sounds like it may not be far away. My mother was a shopaholic as well and put her dogs on a pedestal while she treated family like dirt. Eventually needing 24/7 care my mother went into a NH in October 2012 and her dog and cat now live with me. It's taken a long time but her little dog is now pretty much house clean, going to the door and following my big lab outside to potty.

Threatening you with things is just manipulation. Before I sold my home, quit my career and moved to care for her my mother's favourite was "you just want my money". Sometimes threats are all they have left and they are increasingly fearful of what may lay ahead. Of course, unbeknown to me at the time, she'd had increasing dementia for some years. I can only speak of my own experiences but there are many wonderful people here who I'm sure will chip in and make some suggestions. Hang in there!

Hm. I don't know how this would go down with your mother, or whether there's money to spend on it, but the other line of attack could be on the dog - in the shape of a local Barbara Woodhouse type figure. There's also a sexy lady who dresses like a stormtrooper but is fabulous with dogs - can't remember her name.

The thing is, it would be a bit like getting a canine SuperNanny in to read your mother and the dog the riot act together. These people CARE ONLY ABOUT THE DOG'S welfare, and would turn blue in the face if they found out how the dog was living. Not for your mother's sake, oh no, but because regular appropriate meals, proper exercise, proper discipline and a proper sense of their place in the 'pack' is crucial (we're told) to a dog's wellbeing.

So. Enlist a canine behavioural specialist? Any around in your area?

Nikki dementia is the most awful thing to deal with and it only gets worse. I had no idea until I cared for my mother. I know only too well " I can't talk to her; #1 she wouldn't care; it would be about her, and #2, she would not understand. Plus, this isn't her fault. She can't help it."

200 flower arrangements plus, plus, plus other stuff? OMG! That's hoarding. Out in the middle of nowhere I don't have cable but I used to watch the show "Hoarders" and it can quickly become dangerous for whoever hoards.

My mother called me from the NH this afternoon wanting to know how much her house sold for, who was the realtor and where is all her furniture. The house was sold a year ago, the furniture went to auction and she was kept well informed. Come spring "when I can walk again" - she'll never walk again, had a stroke a few months ago, can't sit up or stand alone, been in a wheelchair since breaking a hip 9 months ago - she plans to buy another house (got to be big and fancy) and new (expensive) furniture in the city where she lived and find someone to live with her to care for her. Resisting the urge to scream and bang my head on the wall, I just said something about we're all looking forward to good weather and doing things. This utter nonsense ruins my day and probably the next day as well. She can't help it but I feel I'll never be free until she dies.

By the time I visit again she will likely have forgotten all about it or she'll do nothing but keep harping on about it, in which case I'll walk out. Things will only get worse. As her speech is so slurred she decided she didn't want her phone any more and I had it cut off. Now she calls me every day from a hallway phone. I may get her phone put back on so she can drive anyone else she can think of batty and change my phone number. No wonder my hair is falling out!

I feel so badly for all of you in this situation but all you can likely do is wait it out. As far as the dog is concerned at least it's getting groomer and vet care. The elderly tend to allow their furkids to do whatever they please and my mother's little dog, Sue, bit her to the very end. Older with physical issues, I've always had big rescue dogs and in my house I'm the pack leader, the Head Wolf. Sue bit me once and immediately figured out it was a bad idea. It's taken over a year to get her house clean and she's turned into the sweetest little thing.

You've obviously done everything and anything you can do for your mother and kudos to you! Mine destroyed my life and, close to 65, I have to start rebuilding it but I will! Need to talk or vent, we're here for you.

Ashlynne I am so sorry. I can not say that I have been there and done that. My mother found me a nuisance but I did not endure the abuse you and others suffered. I could never have taken care of her and I was saved from having to care for her. I dread to think what she would have been like with dementia.
I can totally say that I fully support you in no longer wanting to be around her.
Your original post simply concerned the care of the dog and as so often the first question is just the tip of the iceberg. Very understandably a first post often does not tell the whole story - a kind of trying the water with one toe. As you will find this is the most caring group of people you can ever meet. there is no law that says you have to take care of a family member so supervise from across the street and wait for the inevitable. She made poor choices when she was in her "right mind" and as the saying goes her chickens are comming home to roost. her little dog is quite happy being spoiled rotten and a rescue will have no problem placing her when the time comes. There is a good demand for these little purebred dogs. Blessings

My apologies to all, I just lost it yesterday. Unfortunately this obsession with buying another house and having nurses 24/7 (which we can't afford anyway) has to be stamped on immediately otherwise my mother will be trying to find a realtor. She's always causing some chaos which I then have to undo.

Nikki my mother also wants to go see her old doctor who at her last visit 2 years ago said he could do nothing more for her. He's an hour drive away now, she can't get in my truck and I can't lift her. She always referred to him as "the idiot" anyway.

She recently asked for my full address, with a little sort of manic smile, but I'd only give her the name of the nearest village. Many years ago she called the cops on me when I didn't answer the phone. If I'm to rebuild my life I must distance myself as much as possible.

Nikki I hope this resolves itself sooner rather than later for the sake of your health. Driving locally last week I got a sort of hot flash and for a few seconds my eyesight went blurry. It really scared me and I take it as a warning sign.