After 18 months with mom living with us, my husband is unhappy and won’t talk about it. Advice?
My husband was very supportive of our moving to a new state, changing our jobs and living arrangements and having Mom move in with us. For about 15 months, I worked at home and had more free time. Now I have a real job outside the home and less free time. My husband is upset and says I'm not talking to him. We are all at home in the evenings when I am cooking for Mom and myself and he doesn't join us. If I ask him to go somewhere out of the house with me, he won't. Says he is too tired, which he probably is, since his job is so stressful.
I'm not sure what to do. I'm having trouble meeting everyone's social, physical, and emotional needs, as well as my own. My husband is so grumpy I don't want to be around him. And when his job takes him away from me, I don't complain. But it seems when my responsibilities take me away from him, he is unhappy.
I don't really have anyone here who can take Mom out at night. All family live about 2 hours away. We are able to go away and leave Mom alone for hours at a time, but he doesn't want to do that. Help!
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On one hand, he's convinced that we've done the right thing. On the other hand, it's hard that we have had to make so many changes to our lives. It's sometimes hard having her around, all the time. He probably feels the stress of her illness even more than I do, as he sometimes feels a bit of an outsider in his own house.
Sometimes, I will ask him if he feels left-out. I ask him if he regrets our choice. He basically just grumps back. However, I think I see that it makes a difference that I ask. Meanwhile, he does sometimes admit that he feels like an outsider in his own house and isn't sure what to do about it.
Sometimes, I will tell him I feel stuck in the middle - that I want to make sure that all three of us can live a decent life in this one house and not always sure how to go about it.
Things are better. We grump and grouse, but I think the fact that we do sometimes spill our guts or sometimes just ask if the other one is having a hard time, while it doesn't solve it all, just helps the other one know that we haven't forgotten about them.
The other night, we had concert tickets. Unfortunately, Mom had just been admitted to the hospital and he and I agreed that, while she was probably fine, that I should be at the hospital to talk to the doctors and get her settled. Instead of having dinner and a show, together, I couldn't go. I told him that I felt bad - that I know part of the fun is to go, together. I begged him to go and enjoy it for both of us and not to feel bad for me that I'd missed it. He couldn't find a friend to go (it was the very last minute) but he did go and gave the extra ticket to a stranger waiting in the ticket line. He did enjoy it. He hates doing things, alone, but he went and it seemed to be good for him to get out of the house. I told him it would be better than his plan of sitting at home and worrying about how Mom was doing, which wasn't going to help either of them.
But it's hard. It doesn't always work out that well here, either, so I know some of what you're going through.
We have discussed it and she seems to be fine with it right now so we will see what happens.
to be away even if only for a few hours each day to get a well needed break and come back to the caregiving with a new perspective.
Again you are not a bad person don't be hard on yourself. Do the best you can with what you have. Get some home health aides in for regular visits, you will
feel much better.
Does that make me a bad person?
Check with a Tax Adviser for the exact rules.
General rules are: you can claim your elder as a deduction if: they live with you for 6 months or longer of the year filed for, as long as you provide half or more of their support during that time.
Just avoid pulling the fast one my brother did: He started filing papers as if Mom lived under his roof instead of ours, by using one of her former married names. When I asked Mom about it, she just laughed maniacally, as if it was hilarious....she clearly knew of it.
I only discovered it while looking for something else for her online.
Goodness only knows how long they'd been pulling that off---not even we were qualified to claim her as a dependent--even though she lived under our roof for 6 years! While she lived with us the qualified time, she supplied her own support, so we didn't qualify.
My brother, OTH, supplied NO housing, NO financial and NO medical for her--he barely ever even gave her a ride anywhere. If he'd been caught at it [& the time limit has yet to run out on IRS coming after him], he'd be in real deep kimchee!
There are various rules for when adults Caretake for children, adult children with special needs, or elders, that could allow them to be claimed as dependents for tax purposes.
States that have income tax, may also allow some variations on same idea.
Knowing what those points are, makes things start being a bit easier.
Are you aware, that when you provide over half an elder's support, you get to use them as a deduction from your IRS taxes?
Sometimes, that means making comparisons to how much it would cost the elder to stay in a facility. Count every expense, and keep records.
OR, simply keep her finances separate from yours, and still keep records.
Thank you for keeping us posted!
Hope your DH is sometime able to get some help with PTSD...sometimes it takes a lifetime, and lots never do get help. These days, there are methods that help cope with it better. Techniques like EMDR, help desensitize the troublesome memories.
At least now I know where to focus my own problem solving skills and may post a new question related to financial issues and caregiving. Thank you all for the insight and especially the support. Knowing I can just spill it out to you all is such a relief!
the situation speaks for itself.
Lets not make husbands the villans here if they are not happy or cant manage with the additional stresses of care giving of an ill inlaw. Lord knows the stresses of caregiving are huge and often take a toll on the caregivers health....so lets have a little compassion for him.
If the situation is too much for him, his needs really do come first.
I have just heard many positive experiences of assisted living centers.
If your Mom can live alone there are elderly apartments.
And JeanneGibbs, I worked outside the home all of our marriage. Working at home when we moved here was the first time we took such a "scary" step. So I'm a little confused about why this came up when I once again got a job outside the house and got the security, again, of a steady income.
Also, he works longer day hours than I do so he is rarely at home with my Mom without me being there, too. When I worked at home, if he happened to have a mid-week day off, I could spend time with him. (He works in food service - no weekends off). Now when he has a day off, I still have to work.
I think you all are right, Mom isn't the real issue here. Thank you all for your input and support.
We were living with his mother and I had been taking care of her for years but I guess my mother was different. I had given up a fantastic job and moved away from friends and family so we could be with his mother and help take care of.
Four months after my mother moved in with us, he got very angry one night and told me to "GET OUT." I packed up my mother and the children and we moved into our own little house. As difficult as this has been on me, I finally saw my husband for who he really was.....a very selfish, self-centered man. Life is hard for me but we are all much happier now.
Please be careful. You must talk with him. He may be feeling left out or that you have no time for him. Communication is the key.
Between you and your husband, tell him you two need to see a marriage councilor for a marriage tune-up. There may be a big problem, it may just be jealousy over the time you now spend with your mother. My husband use to say that I would "change" when I was around my parents, change meaning I did not pay as much attention to him. Maybe your husband thinks something along those lines. He does not want to talk to you and your mother, he wants to talk to you, like he used to?? Just make the appointment, and tell him you (as both of you) are going because you are not happy and you want to fix that.
Good Luck and I hope it works out
Let me guess...hubby is approximately mid-life crisis age, and looking for any excuse to act out.
Being passive/aggressive keeps you fretting and guessing, which keeps you off-balance and in a great position to gradually be guilted into doing as he wishes one way or another, UNLESS you already recognize it as what it is, and make sure you let him keep his ownership of his emotions, and somehow get him to talk or at least listen to you talking as an adult willing to resolve whatever issues are at hand.
==SOME guys DO feel threatened when their wife suddenly brings home the bacon, EVEN when they say they support you in your choices verbally.
==Guys who are passive/aggressive will tell you they are FINE with Mom moving in, the 2 of you moving far away, etc.; will agree to just about anything, or not make any decisions....yet, underneath it all, they HATE what is being proposed--totally torn because they cannot tell others what they really want/need!
==Guys can also feel vulnerable and act out when they start having issues with ANY level of impotency.
IF your marriage relationship has had a hard row to hoe during it, this can be another manifestation of that, meaning there are unresolved issues you both need to work on more productively.
But yeah....no, I do not think Mom is the problem here, since your description does not sound as if she is causing problems.
It really sounds like DH has issues he has failed to deal with, and issues with choices he allowed and never spoke out in time on, and whatever else.
Is DH a veteran? MIGHT he have issues with PTSD?
OFTEN, guys who have been in service, been in war, have PTSD; part of that might manifest as unwillingness to tell others their preferences on choices given them, letting others do it instead, inability to discuss things, hide feelings, not want to go out, avoid crowds...any of those ring a bell?
IF so, you might want to explore getting help via the V.A. medical system. Many locations have great counseling and support groups, not only for the service members, but also the spouses. This is on a sliding scale per income, and partly covered more, if there is a % service related.
REALLY need some adult conversation.
It might look sorta like this, and keeping it as rational and logically in a quiet, even voice, as possible:
1. identify his behavior to him, short, sweet, to the point-only facts.
2. let him know how his behaviors cause you to feel.
3. let him know if and how his behaviors are damaging to your family unit.
4. ask him to either confirm or deny what you are observing, and have him explain how/why as appropriate.
5. if appropriate, ask him if he is doing anything that could threaten your marriage.
Be prepared to hear the worst, and maintain your cool.
Be prepared to have backup solutions for yourself.
Be prepared to think outside your usual comfort zones to help resolve the issues.
Keep in mind why you married him in the first place.
Be prepared to weigh the risk/benefit ratio for this family arrangement.
I sincerely hope things go well for you!
He is "too tired" for the practical solutions you suggest, such as going out together for a few hours. He says you don't talk to him and you say he is so grumpy you don't like being around him. Is this a vicious cycle?
Moving Mom to a care center or day-time care might be a solution, but only if Mom's presence is really the problem.
Somehow, it seems to me, that you have to discover, preferably together, what is the real nature of the problem. Only then can you work on suitable solutions -- again, hopefully together.
He seems to be looking for something to complain about and that is a red flag for what is the "real" problem. He needs to talk to you as an adult. You have your hands full and he owes that to you.If mom is a problem, then you will have to look at what is more important to you. Your marriage or your mother. Hard times bring out the best or worst in people.
Many assisted living places offer what they call respite care which is a very short term stay to give caregivers an opportunity to take a vacation or just get some temporary relief from the pressure.
Finding new arrangements for mom will probably not resolve this problem. He may have a depression or something which he could take care of with treatment. But I would not feel guilty about the job, the move or your mother's presence.
Good luck and I hope your mother continues to be as healthy as she is.
Elizabeth