Mom fell and fractured her hip. She was already under hospice care and due to her condition, I made the decision to not go to the hospital or have any surgery (this was my mom's wish). She is now on pain meds and is sleeping all the time. She has had nothing to eat or drink in several days. What can I expect? This is so difficult to watch and I am already second-guessing my decision for no surgery. Any insight into this process will be greatly appreciated?
I wish I would have known to allow her body and spirit to go through the necessary processes (that we all will go through in one way or another) without wasting valuable time on regret or second-guessing.
Let your heart be filled with love and peace, the best you can. It sounds like you're very much on the right track with all of this, it IS hard for us, isn't it?
Its almost as if we don't know HOW to "care" unless we "do"... But the time for "doing" is over, so just caring now is enough. It's enough.
I would have made the same choice you did regarding the surgery. Surgery and especially the anesthesia is brutal on elderly people and unless your mom was vital and active prior to the broken hip nothing can be gained from having her go through a surgery that will result in keeping her down the rest of her days in the exact same shape she's in now. You made the right choice.
If she's not eating or drinking don't try to force her to eat. Many people make this mistake thinking their loved one has to eat. She doesn't. Some ice chips between her lips might feel good to her or a cold, wet wash cloth in her mouth.
I went through this with my dad last month. We didn't hold a bedside vigil although we knew he had little time left. I took a little time off work then went back to work and worked until I got the call that my dad had died. Life has to go on and you can't stop living yours but do what you need to do to make yourself feel better.
Your mom will stop voiding because nothing's going in. This is normal. You may notice a raspy, phlegmy rattle in the back of her throat. This too is normal. When my dad first went into that state, where he wasn't eating or drinking and not really conscious he muttered occasionally, his arms would move but this didn't last long. From the time my dad first closed his eyes to the time he died was 4 days. We thought we'd have a few more days but we didn't. I held his hand, I put cool cloths on his forehead, and I talked to him. Told him I loved him and like the others were saying, I told him it was ok to move on. When our loved ones get into this state it's only a matter of time. I work in healthcare and I've seen people stay in this state for 2 weeks before they die. It took my dad only 4 days so it varies. I wasn't with my dad the moment he died but I'm ok with that. I had been with him for days prior to that and had to go back to work. The day I went back to work after taking off to be with my dad, he died. It worked out the way it was supposed to.
Blessings to you, this is a very difficult time. Don't exhaust yourself and take care of yourself. There is wonderful information online about the last days/weeks of someone's life and what to expect. My dad showed some of the signs, some he didn't. Someone mentioned hospice. Hospice is wonderful, we had them but we didn't get hospice until it was pretty much too late for my dad to appreciate their services (his Dr. wouldn't sign off on it) but they were great with us, the family. But because of our situation they didn't have a whole lot to do. But again, they were very supportive of us and that was nice. We had them not quite 2 weeks.
I'll be thinking of you, abby.
As vw9729 points out, she could linger a while in this stage. Don't guilt yourself into sitting right by her bedside for days on end. Many times, people (who seem to be completely out of it) seem to wait until they are alone to pass. Our relative, who had a family members taking shifts to stay at his bedside, died when there was just one person there who had fallen asleep. Some people need personal space to die. Hospice nurses say it's commonplace for people to die even where their loved ones have just stepped out of the room for a short time.
I'm assuming hospice is still involved? They should be making sure she's comfortable, with or without morphine.
I am not sure why you are not sitting by her where she sounds like her decline is apparent. Do go see her and make sure you make peace with her and that you are able to comfort her by holding her hand, playing her favorite music, reading Psalms to her, and if you believe in prayer, praying over her.
Bless you and your mom.
Relax into your decision
Accept your inner knowing that you did the right thing
Decreased respiration
Comfort care
Hold her hand
TELL HER IT'S OK TO MOVE ON
Say good-bye to her current physical body
There is not death