Mom has no reasoning skills and is so angry all the time that no one can talk to her about serious issues. Any advice?

Sorry, you have to stop rescuing her. When she either kills someone while driving or hurts someone very badly, do you have any idea what is going to happen? She will lose everything in the lawsuit that occurs--again do not rescue her just to let her do it again. The Court will either place her in prison or she will be sent to a Nursing Home as Incompetent. It would be better if someone takes control now rather than wait until this happens. I know a 85 year old woman who insisted she could drive from the middle of Indiana to Florida. She made it to Kentucky before she totaled her car in a ditch--luckily the 3 cars that she hit on the way into the ditch did not kill the occupants but her insurance company paid out the nose and cancelled her insurance. The family who were ignoring her problems suddenly had to face reality and place her in a nursing home, no matter how much, often, and loudly she screamed.

All of the posted advise is very useful. Thanks for the input and support. It is very difficult. I don't think people realize how hard it is for widows/widowers. They struggle with loneliness and have a lot of time to sit and think. This evidently causes them to make bad decisions. It doesn't help when their health (and mind) start to deteriorate. As much as we love her, we know we have to do something about it soon. Again, thank you all.

This is a bad situation. I am the daughter in law that has experienced such treatment. She has been that way since before her illnesses, and it has gotten worse since her husband died. She doesn't forget a THING about who has said what but can't remember to turn the oven off. I sympathize with you all that have lost a mother and might think this is a terrible thing that we are talking about. Unfortunately, she is judgmental, rude, controlling and racist. It is hard to talk and to reason with her.

Boy, you guys are tough. I guess I expected as much.

I do agree that the car needs to go. I've stated it over & over again to my brother that *I* wouldn't be able to live with myself if she hurt someone.

We just never thought we would have to do this because all of our lives, she has always told us "When I get old, please put me in a nursing home. I don't want to be a burden on anyone." Little did we know that she wouldn't go willingly...... ---broken hearted that she's not the same sweet lady---

Guess it's time for the "big girl panties"......for all of us.

It is time for you to get tough and make the decisions that need to be made. No matter how your Mom reacts that car has to be taken away from her and proper care provided for her. Do you understand the responsibility and costs should she injure someone or worse?

It is not pretty and will be difficult but your Mom is no longer able to care for herself. It is what it is and has to be dealt with for her safety and wellbeing.

Contact an elder lawyer for assistance and talk to her credit card companies/banks. Good luck!

Arrange to have the car "stolen" Let her local police know what you are doing so they can tell her they are searching diligently. Disable the car. Enlist the help of the repair shop she usually uses so they can play along. tell her it will cost X hundred to fix and they have to have the money up front to buy the parts. Take her car key and replace it with an identical one that won't work and don't forget the spare set too. She is going to be angry whatever you do, she has to take her frustration out on someone so do the best you can. Unfortunately the DMV, Drs and police seem to be able to do very little. In our area the DMV says if they can read the eye chart they can drive

Mom has become practically, though not formally declared legally, incompetent. It is as if you know of a secret atrocity and can't get anyone to believe you. Her current primary care physician has failed you because in vascular and fronto-temporal dementias, orientation and recent memoty are relatively spared and that is the main thing on an MMSE (mini mental status exam) which is probably all he or she did. I agree with PandaRosa that "I don't blame you for not wanting to drive with a narcissist" but I also agree that it is time for her to stop driving. Another option in addition to the ones already mentioned is a specialized OT driving evaluation. Most people post-stroke should have this before driving again. You could round up ALL the keys, disable the car in some other way, and tell Mom that if she goes for an evaluation and everything checks out just fine, you will return the keys and fix the car. The reality is that driving 50-55 mph in a 60-70 mph zone is a reasonable compensation for the deficits of old age, and may annoy others but is not wildly unsafe, but driving at half speed and missing all the turns is not. My son's car was hit by someone driving like your mother, and she did not even realize she had hit him and did not even stop. I just watched a near miss accident on our freeway with an older gentleman behind the wheel, solo, going about 45 mph and slowing down even more to change lanes and take an exit, swinging wide, and forcing a panic braking of the cars behind him, and absolutely oblivious to the whole situation he created. Ideally you could get this done as part of a comprehensive geriatric evaluation, which might confirm more deficits that will help in the next phase or Mom's life, which involves others taking over for her in the areas she can no longer manage for herself. There are resources for this at Baylor and UT that I found by Googling "houston tx geriatric evaluation". I found a Strowmatt Rehabilitation with a description of the driver evaluation that you need, at driverrehabservices.com/seniors.html.

You may get through the current issue but the greater issue is going to be unavoidable...this is not about her stealing your precious time with your family, this is about saving Mom from herself and averting any more tragedy than has already happened. This can be considered a crisis, an emergency...and time to have the family meeting, pool resources, gather documentation, and get an eldercare attorney involved. I am guessing from what you have written so far that there is no POA in place. The expense of getting that, getting it activated and/or guardianship proceedings may be substantial but the expense of not doing it could be catastrophic. Yes, she will be angry, but so is a toddler who is restrained from doing something they want to do but can't. You are on the right track even though so far the people who are supposed to help have let you down. It is unfortunately possible, because the system errs on the side of preserving peole's rights to choose, that you will not have relief until something worse happens but please don't hesitate to go further just because Mom will be upset. Her upset and anger and grief are unavoidable. They are not your fault. She will either adjust to new realities well or badly, but they are the realities. I wish this was easier to deal with, let alone easier to recognize and accept in your own parent...

You have to report her to the DMV for being an unfit driver. She could kill someone. You know that happens all the time.

She will probably not get the treatment/assistance she needs until she hurts herself or someone else, and is hospitalized. She will probably never "agree" to get help because she "doesn't need any help."

Try again with her doctor. Send him a long letter listing her behavior as calmly and matter-of-factly as possible. Give every example you can. Explain to him that he might be liable if she hurts someone and he chose to do nothing to prevent it.

Good luck!

You are correct, you cannot reason with someone who cannot reason.
Is it feasible for her to fly? Can someone drop her off and pick her up at the airport?
I respect you have your holiday plans, but can she be driven to SILhouse the prior week and be picked up later? Can this be worked around your or another volunteer drivers schedule.

Have you reached out to the doctors to have her license revoked?

Honestly, you may not be able to stop her.

I see now what FTD is. She may have this, as she has shown disinhibition. She was on her front porch a few months ago screaming "Someone help me. Someone help me! I'm in pain and can't get my mail." She had broken her tailbone and SCREAMED BLOODY MURDER at every move she made (I know she was hurting, but the screaming was not fitting an adult--she sounded like the crazies in the nursing home where I worked in my early 20's). She has also lost all "mouth filters" but thinks it's okay because she's old.

Although she has always been very articulate with words, she requires help with simple terms these days (but then again...maybe **I** have this LOL).

To say the least, I'm in a pickle because I don't know where to go from here. I've already lost my mother...damned if I do, damned if I don't. Either way, I lose....and she will be angry.

Not sure what FTD dementia is...will look that up.

No, she does not have a caregiver. I'm not in the position to pay for that, as I have 2 kids in college and I've been unemployed for 5 months. With her QVC spending, SHE doesn't have the money for that either. She is NOT welcome to stay in my house after her hissy (my husband has put his foot down). My sister-in-law has been tortured by Mom for *years* and won't allow her in her & my brother's house either. We tried 6 years ago to get her to sell her house so we could split the money from the house to build a mother-in-law suite in the back of our houses...to which she agreed, but very quickly back out. I, too, believe her living alone days are quickly coming to a close, but I shutter to think of the poor soul who would have to watch/help her (I don't hate anyone that much!). That being said, IF someone would agree to "sit" her, does medicare/Medicaid help with those costs???

You have not yet answered whether or not your Mom has a caregiver? I venture to say she does not - yet. Well, honey, she needs one. You have to come up with a plan to hire a caregiver/companion who can spend time with her, care for her, and drive her here, there and everywhere. The next step after this will be the most demanding... where will she move? Into your home? Assisted living? It's beyond time for this planning. Hold on tight as you think it has been rather wild up to this point. It will get crazier before it gets better. That said, her days of living alone are closing in. Quickly.

I forgot to add that I suspect your mom has FTD dementia as her behavior sounds a lot like my moms.

It's so incredibly difficult at this stage (mid). We went through years of this and unfortunately it just gets worst (my mom is violent too) and we were exhausted trying to get help. Finally we cut back on rescuing her every time she got herself into a situation because we knew eventually we would need evidence of her declining mental abilities. Wish we would of done it sooner.

Oh, I'm so sorry. Your mother is far more a fighter than mine, but they can both be equally stubborn. I wish I knew someone in Houston, but I'm over here in Georgia, and in the same situation as you.
Your mother's also the same as mine regarding money, only mine has far more expensive tastes (long story). If there's any way you could be put in charge of her finances, letting her have some pin money, that might help. but that is just one more responsibility for you that you probably don't need.
I'm just sad and startled that your mother would attack you like that; and there probably isn't much authorities can do in family disputes. I hope you've kept your brothers and uncle up to date on this, they should help too.

You're right...she doesn't need to drive. We've already had a run-in with trying to take her keys about 3 months ago (just to keep her from driving one night). Long story....hang in there....

My uncle (younger than me) from another state came to my house and Mom was to meet him here, but he was running later than planned. Mom lives 30 minutes away (regular people driving) and she drove over even though it was getting late (7:30pm-ish). After dinner, her brother offered to take her home, have his wife follow him with their truck, then return here. She refused to let him help....said she had done it lots of times. She has NOT driven in the dark for at least 2 years.

She sat in her car for an hour, with him and me trying to convince her to let him drive home. She couldn't understand that she was being unreasonable and unsafe. When she started up her car, I reached in & removed her keys. She then LAID on the horn. I went inside to get my husband's help and when I returned, she was backing out of the driveway---she had gotten her spare keys!! I used the key fob to unlock the doors & I reached in to remove the spare key. She then honked and laid on the horn again and then started screaming at me, bringing up things from the past that were LIES (UGLY things about my dead father that I KNOW are NOT TRUE). She reached across and slapped me and said "you B*TCH!!" Instinctively, I slapped her back.

I got my brother on the phone to talk to her then realized I needed to get out of the situation because I seemed to be the agitator in this situation. My uncle evidently got her in the passenger side and drove her home. TO THIS DAY Mom insists that we kidnapped her and locked her in her car and she couldn't get out. She also insists that I "doubled up" my FISTS and "punched" her in the face. She doesn't remember hitting me. These are not the only delusions we have witnessed....almost all of them are hateful, hurtful things against people she used to care about.

Right after this happened, she kept calling me with threatening calls..."I'm going to file charges," "Give me back your key to my house because I don't trust you to come in my house," "I can't ever go back to your house because I'm afraid of what you'll do to me." So I got on the phone and called every lead that was given to me....her doctor, the sheriff's dept, elderly protective services, a senior mental hospital, an ambulance service. NOBODY HELPED ME. Her doctor's *office* finally called me back 2 1/2 months later!!! They made her an appointment and then did that ridiculously easy test which doesn't really detect any problems. Doc won't talk to me because of the HIPPA laws.

EPS is a JOKE. You have to understand....my mother has been through all of this for my oldest brother.....SHE KNOWS THE ROPES....what to say and what not to say to keep her from being accused of not being able to take care of herself. Touchy situation and I was disappointed that EPS didn't listen when I told them how to approach her (I feel like every person they sent to Mom's was the greenest rookie they could find!!!).

I like the idea of her taking a bus/plane to see her sis-in-law AND the idea of selling her car for cab fares. The only problem with letting HER get the money is that QVC and PCS (coins) will be the recipients of that money. We've talked to her about QVC for the past 2 years with no avail. She has spent her retirement funds on WORTHLESS crap from QVC. (I wish QVC would be cut off from retired customers--it should be against the law!) And to think she used to be so savvy with money!!

I hope we can get Mom to take a bus at Thanksgiving. If not, I'm afraid I'll have to seek legal counsel before she leaves. I'm currently unemployed so legal representation at this point is not possible. If you know of someone hiring in the Houston area, let me know!! :-)

It's just a stop-gap, but is there any way your mother could take a train/bus/plane to visit her friends? Would they be willing to help you with this?
I fear in general you may need to talk to the DMV about this, if your mother's driving is that hazardous. How willing is she to taking a driving test?
I heard on Dear Abby an unusual solution: the mother sold her car and used the money to hire a taxi for so many hours each month. The money that would have gone to gas, insurance, etc, went to taxi fares, and actually worked out fairly well.Don't know if this would work in your case, but it's a thought.
I don't blame you for wanting to avoid a trip with a narcissist.

Is her doctor open to talking with you about her at all? I know you mentioned the test he performed shows no problems, but maybe if you wrote him a letter listing all your concerns including the driving he might do something? Are there any other doctors involved you could appeal to? Also it probably depends on the state laws where you are but you could call anonymously to the DMV to report an unsafe elderly driver and maybe they might do something.

Your Mom has NO business driving - not just for her own safety but everyone else on the road. Take her car and keys away.

Who is caring for your Mother? She needs a caregiver.