I must have read hundreds of posts these last 10 months, many of which helped me through the most difficult time of my life. This forum gave me the space to share, to vent and to anticipate the grief I would feel at Mom’s passing. Your wisdom and support made my journey easier.
Never in a million years did I anticipate a grief so profound and painful. How will I survive the loss of a relationship— often trying and frustrating— of an unconditional love that was the bedrock of my childhood and adulthood? How will I survive the loss of a person who shared each and every joy and hardship with happiness, advice and comfort? How will I survive the loss of the last person who held memories of my growing up and into the person I became?
Today is the first day I am alone in my house. Mom isn’t here to give me a smile upon entering her room to say good morning. Why didn’t I maximize every moment she was here? I did the best I could and I take some comfort in knowing how utterly happy she was to see me everyday.
This hole is so huge and I don’t know how to move forward. I am numb.
from many in the group experiencing loss.
It is a nationwide nondenominational organization. It is faith based.
Helped me so much when I lost my brother early in his life shortly
after our dear mom passed.
God Bless you with the Sweet Memories.
Adding to the situation, I was forced to look for paid employment at a time when most my age are starting to retire. Through a miracle, I found a job. The pay is not the greatest, but at this point, who am I to complain.
What get's me through each day is that I can see and hear Mom on my cell phone. I made it a point to make sure she went to get her hair done each month. Last summer, I started making a short cell phone video after each visit. I would then save the video to the computer so she could see it on a bigger screen. I have the last one, made two weeks before her death, still on my cell phone. Each day before I go to work, I watch it. Seeing her smile and hearing her say "Absolutely" when I asked her if she enjoyed getting her hair done, makes me very happy. I also have her photo on my office desk.
May the memories of your Mom sustain you in the weeks ahead. Never forget her. Never stop speaking to her. Never stop speaking of her.
You will get through this. It may not seem like it right now but you are stronger than you think. I used to always think before my mom died that her death would kill me too, but here I am seven years later. Give yourself as much time as you need. There are resources out there too if you feel you can't do it on your own.
Keep posting on here. This forum has been invaluable to me before my mom died and even now. So many on here have been where you are now and have yet to get there.
Take care!
My mother passed away nearly a year ago. She was 85. Unexpected. I couldn't even be by her side in her final hours. She passed away around midnight.
Reading your post made me emotional. I know exactly how you feel. I feel the same way. I too wish I had maximized every moment...
Religion helped me cope with it. I've had visions of mother. Even communicated with her spirit. I know she's in a much better place. But I still miss her. The sweet smile on her face. All the hugs I used to give her... I still get emotional.
It takes time.
You and your mother are in my heart and prayers...
❤️😇🕊🌹
My mom died 6 months ago. I go up and down with my emotions. My tears just fall all of a sudden. So I let my tears fall and acknowledge to myself that I’m sad and miss my mom. But, I’m Catholic and my personal belief is that I’ll see her in heaven when I pass away. So we will be apart just for a while. I feel her presence and I talk to her.
My mom told me to be strong a week before she passed. So I’m passing this advice to you my dear.
I know the heart feels one thing and the mind says another. It will take time to accept and adjust, but we all must go on and keep on going, because we were born to live! Until we don’t live.
Lastly, make a routine. I walk my little dogs and they bring me comfort and love.
My motto now is: get up (very difficult when I’m sad), groom myself, clean my house, make an effort to go out of my house and enjoy little things I like, and tell myself “I’ll be ok. I am strong!”
God bless .. I hope this helps you :)
You did your very best and I am sure your mom was very happy. Remember that grief has no timeline- we all grieve in our own way and as long as it takes. Reflect on all of the happy memories when you are ready. She will always be in your heart.
I am crying as I read your post. I cry every day. It's been a little over a year and a half for me since I lost Mommy. In many ways it feels like it was yesterday and other times it feels like its been forever because I want to see her so badly. I think I have finally heard of someone who is as close to their Mother as I am to mine.....You. For me it doesnt get any easier with each passing day. I am lost and broken without her. She was and is my everything. There has never been and never will be anyone in my life who loved me and cared about me like she does. And my feelings towards her as exactly the same. It's so very hard being in the house alone......I know.
I miss her smile and her laughter and her voice and her cute funny ways. I miss everything about her. Mommy and I were always so very happy being together. It's like the best thing that ever happened to me has been torn away.....never to return.
I wish I could give you some words of wisdom but there are no words at a time like this.
I can however recomend a book that held my interest when nothing else could.
I think you should get it. It is not the normal "you will go over this" book. It is written by a woman who has also lost her mother. You can get it on amazon. It is called.....Healing after the loss of your Mother. by Elaine Mallon. I have another one to recommend too if you want.
Please feel free to contact me if you need to talk. I am a good listener.
All I can say is "I am so very sorry.....I truly know what you are going through.
Gloria
You'll be able to move on enduring some rough patches but you'll find more and more peace as day pass because, if your mom did her job right, for quite a while you'll hear her quiet voice in your mind as you do your daily living and you'll find pleasure in this.
You may be reminded or recognize her style in the way you fold the towels or perhaps that she folded the towels first before other laundry items.
You'll set the table for one less person, that'll be a little stab but then you'll think about how perhaps she was quirky about something to do with the table setting or her way of serving a meal, and you may even think how annoying it was that she did things in reverse order than you would've but you'll smile because she was so wonderfully unique and authentic.
You'll hear a piece of music and you will feel nostalgic, happy and sad. So lucky are you to have known her, and how rich she made you.
What did she teach you to cook? Who of your relatives did she giggle about? What was her favorite show, actor or singer. These memorable and useful gifts will be reliable tonics for those rainy days in your heart. She gave you memories. What a great mom. What a great inheritance.
Forward - In time, in years to come, unexpectedly you may be surprised by one of her until then forgotten gifts of a loving heart swelling memory, and then a second sweet surpise, you won't cry but instead be warmly uplifted. This is how we honor our beloved. This is what they must have from you.
Warmest regards.
To help heal and memorialize Mom’s life, I’m putting a photo/ scrapbook of her life so I have something tangible to go to. I also plan on making a patchwork quilt from her colorful tops. My daughter’s bought an electronic picture frame (Aura frame) and we load pictures via the APP. Every time i go into the room another photo is on the screen and I find myself saying “Hi Mom”…..it’s a huge void for us.
There’s a lovely quote from Oscar Hammerstein’s show Carousel….
.”as long as there’s one person on Earth that remembers you, it isn’t over.”
Actor Mandy Patinkin referenced this in an interview…. it resonated with me.
This community is great and I see many have good suggestions.
Just know grief is real it grabs ahold of us even as we try to shake free but, it is a given in life and acceptance is the cure. So grieve my friend however long your mind, body and emotions need too. Just stand there in every happy, sad, joyful, heartbreaking, uplifting, even nerve wracking event… those are the memories we will “never” forget until our last breath. We must endure every moment of them because they once existed and now not so much( not in the same way now that she’s crossed over)
Your emotions will flow in ways hard to imagine and yes it’s tough ( to me this is the “ letting go” process). Does it get easier? The answer is yes! But only in time, no matter how long or short only time allows us to “make room” for the loss of your mother whom was once present.
Sending prayers for comfort❤️❤️❤️ Be well and find your peace!
I understand your grief and sense of being un-moored. My 91 year old husband died in Sept. 2021 after over 5 years of ill health and Alzheimer's. I am 90 and was his 24/7 caretaker with some help from our son. Even tho' I knew he was deteriorating and that I would eventually lose him, the end was sort of sudden, and I was not prepared for the enormous wave of grief I felt. I was grateful that I managed to care for him at home until just 4 days before he died in a wonderful hospice facility. Then, just two weeks later, our son, who had been my constant companion, helper and security blanket died suddenly in his sleep.
I was flattened with grief, and nine months later, I am still struggling while on two parallel but additive grief paths. Relief doesn't come quickly.
Those of us who have been consumed with care-giving for years, suddenly find our reason for being is yanked away. Your daily routines, so carefully built over the years based on the needs of our loved ones, are suddenly not needed.
Friends and relatives all want to help and will say unbelievable things to you, some of which are helpful and many which are actually pain-inducing. Just try to remember the spirit of love in which their comments are offered, and accept them as such.
I found it helpful to just let my grief out when needed, and the slightest thing will trigger it. Don't suppress it, and try to outrun it. We just have to go through it.
I prayed when I had to go out that I would not see someone I knew who would seek to comfort me, because my control was so fragile at first. The awful pain does subside into a sort of chronic ache in your heart, and you will eventually be able to remember you mom with love, and not so much pain.
I found it helpful to force myself out of bed, to get dressed, comb my hair, and go about some sort of daily routine even tho' it was mostly rote. The first few days after a death you are drug along with funeral preparations, etc., and tending to all the details involved. Then comes the task of settling the LO estate etc. Actually, this is sort of a blessing because it demands that you have something to focus on and to get you out of bed.
The intense grief and pain you are experiencing now will abate a little in time (not quickly) and hopefully you can move on to more acceptance. Be comforted that you had such a wonderful relationship with you mom, and that you were able to provide her such good care in her journey. Let your faith whatever it is, comfort you.
Finally, I hope you will eventually find a new focus for your life to honor our mom.
You are not alone
Blessings
Please don't accept false guilt about anything that you may not have done perfectly. Doing so will only ruin your present and future.
None of us maximize every moment of being with a loved one. We are all frail human beings.
However, you've done what most people cannot or will not do - you gave your mother loving care all the way until the end. For that, she was blessed and you will be blessed.
Sending heartfelt sympathies in the loss of your mother.
I cry everyday. I protected and loved and cared for her here in the home and she died in the care of others who truly didn’t care.
I know exactly how you feel, I’m trying to accept her not being here and it is very difficult. I look at her picture and cry.
Stay strong think of all the good times and her smile as you said. In time I do hope that it will get easier.
Take Care