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Mom refuses to change her pull up, she will go hours without changing and when you remind her she will lie and say she did. Lately she has been going poop and still doesn't change until me practically make her. Mom has always been a very lazy person, never had to do much of anything but sit and read and my husband and I both believe that a lot of what she is doing now is because of her laziness. I am going crazy, I am tired of telling her to change, the house smells bad. She is resenting anything I tell her and lately she told me that she got the feeling I never wanted her to live with us. She threatened to move out and all because she not wanting to change. Any advice on this would be greatly needed and appreciated Thank you. B. Schachter

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Frustrating, isn't it?

I assume that your mother has some cognitive impairment, such a beginning dementia. Even lazy people don't behave like this in their right minds. Give her the benefit of the doubt. She can't manage this on her own.

I wonder if it would help to set up a bathroom schedule. You take her into the bathroom every two hours, and she tries to go then, and she changes her pull-ups if needed at that time. She'll probably resist, but not changing frequently enough can cause a urinary tract infection and/or skin problems. Stay firm, for the sake of her health (and your sanity).

She is threatening to move out? Take her seriously and treat her as if she means it. "I'm sorry you feel that way, Mom. I would like you stay here where I can help you. But if that is what you want, I'll start collecting information for you. Should I start with Assisted Living Facilities?" She needs to know that you are not kicking her out but that that particular threat has no power over you.
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Thank you very much, i will try that.
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My husband has later stage Alzheimer's. I have a baby monitor with two cameras - one facing the bed where he sleeps or sits to watch TV and one facing the area where the toilet is located. I keep the monitor with me in the house when I'm not in the bedroom with him to ensure he's O.K. He's urine incontinent so even though he's already gone in his depends, sometimes he still gets up and goes through the motions in the bathroom. When I see him going to the toilet and once his pants are down and he's seated, I literally swoop in, distract him with conversation and quickly slip off his soiled depends and put on fresh ones (that I keep handy near the toilet) and quickly put his underwear back on as well. I do this same thing when he has a bowel movement because he doesn't remember to wipe. I distract him with conversation, questions, whatever and quickly wipe him with a wet wipe. I move fast, so he hardly knows what happened. Not sure if this will work for you, but it works like a charm for me.
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My Mother did that for the last three months of her life. There was nothing that worked with the exception of a good carpet cleaner.
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Welcome to the wonderful world of WON'T -- won't take pills, won't take fluids, won't wash, won't wipe, won't change Depends, won't exercise, won't visit with people, won't, won't, won't. No amount of effort can turn it to WILL. We just have to deal with each won't as it comes up. Blessings to all in the won't boat.
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From what I experienced with my Mom, saying "won't" had a deeper meaning. When someone won't take meds, won't go to doctors, won't wear diaper, won't go to dialysis, what they are trying to say is DON'T. I DON'T want to continue to live like this. I want the suffering to end.
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Until healthy folks start having open discussions about death, dying and why each individual should have the right to choose his or her own time to depart, once a person is impaired, we will really never know what they want or what they would have wanted.

If I make a conscious and informed decision to "step out" I am competent, I would like the law and the society to allow someone to be able to that out for me should I be unable to follow through on that myself. If this is based on my personal belief system, I should have that choice. YOU don't have to take that path if you don't want to, and no one should be allowed to choose it for you if you haven't already made your wish is clear in writing.

As our society ages, and more people advance into the throes of incompetency and impairment through various diseases and conditions, we must have the choice of what I term "stepping out". We have to stop calling it suicide, assisted suicide or euthanasia for it should truly be none of those things. We have to remove the so sorry a toll and religious stigmas of wanting to depart.
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I have the same problem. Hygiene is a HUGE issue. When she smells (she can't smell it) I make her go to the bathroom or I follow her in when she goes in herself and I make her change. She yells at me a lot. If she won't change the Depends voluntarily or allow me to change them I have been know to tear one side and then she can't pull them up. Occasionally I have had to tear both sides. She yells at me and "hates" me but five minutes later she forgets it and is looking for me all over the house. It works for us. It is very stressful at the time but for her health and ours it has to be done and it is the only way I have found successful.
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The final few months of my Mother's life went from absurd to insane. By the time we got hospice involved, they were perplexed as to why we were still attempting to shlep this poor woman to a dialysis clinic. She was exhausted and ready to go. She was hanging on for my Dad. A person should die with dignity.
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"A person should die with dignity." - Dreyfuss

Do YOU think? YES, INDEED ...

BUT, why are there so many who don't: religious organizations, right to life folks, many pious people, and a good amount of hospices (altho they were created to preserve the dignity of life and dying, they have become a business unto themselves and many of them are more interested in keeping people alive - and being paid for it - then letting people go quickly). Yeesh!!
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Well, I read the comments on this board. The complaints of the caregivers often have the same theme. About two months before my Mom died, we were bringing here in the house from dialysis. He pants were filled with waste and the smell was horrible. I couldn't get her to the bathroom so I layed her on the floor until I could catch my breath. I looked down and saw her laying there in her own @rap. It was so absurd. We were pushing her like a farm animal, forcing her to keep going. I will never forget the hell of it all.
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I'm with NotHisFault. My dad can be very stubborn at times and then if you wait 5 minutes and try something new he will agree to whatever the need is. I have tried bribery (he loves popcorn), threats (you can't stay here if you won't bathe), speed (swoop in and distract), joking (hold my nose and talk), etc. Everything that might work with a stubborn 2 year old is used in this project. I'm sorry but this is also a learn-as-you-go type problem. She may not object to anything after awhile. It's a challenge every day and always something new. Everyone is different so you have to keep trying things until you find what works for you. Good luck and God bless.
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Mrs. Schachter, My suggestion is this : Purchase the paper panties that are the wrap-around type with side tapes rather than the pull-ups. Walk into the bathroom with her ( she won't like this), and cut the pull-up on both sides. Place the old diaper in a super-market thin plastic bag. Toss. Then put the wrap-around pantie on her and tape it on both sides. No talking. just do it.
Of course, you'll meet with resistance, but it's easier than removing all her slacks and maybe shoes in order to keep her clean. Good Luck!
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Would she change them if she could? Many people cant get the old ones off or the new ones over their feet. Do you have one of those long handled grabbers so she could be independent. I had one old lady who had a straightened out wire coat hanger and hooked the depends up over her feet with that. She had to use her power scooter to get from bed to toilet but she was extremely independent and lived alone to the end God bless her.
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Teepa Snow is an awesome trainer for those who care for people with dementia. Allow me to suggest that you look into her material. She has videos (DVS and online on-demand) which you may find very helpful. She addresses the issue of "won't" and gives a lot of practical suggestions about how to overcome that situation. Typically the harder we push the person with dementia, the harder they push back. If we can move from "do to" to "do with" the outcome may be better. This is not to say it is easy.
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We having the same problem with my mother-in-law not wanting to change her Depend or when she does, squeezing it a ball and getting urine all over the carpeting. The bowel movements are a whole other story. Sometimes takes an hour to clean up the bathroom after one of those messes. She has moderate stage Alzheimer's and was confusing how to put underwear and Depends on so we finally had to take all of her underwear away since she would wear it UNDER her Depend and were constantly cleaning up messes. We now have a sign in her drawer that says "Depend only - no underwear" that helps some. We also put vinyl flooring over her carpeting as I was exhausted from steam cleaning the carpeting. We keep Depends in every room, but as others have mentioned, if they don't change, it can lead to urinary tract infections which we deal with frequently. We are lucky that we don't have too much resistance to daily showers which does help, but I have to get into her room and take out the clothes and pjs from that day before or she will wear the same thing. My heart goes out to all dealing with this on a daily basis as there are no easy answers. Some days I just want to sit down and cry because you do your best but it seems it is never good enough.
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Mother lived alone as long as she could and we saw a lot of what you guys are talking about. Once she got settled in the NH and saw the other women, dressed, bathed, hair done, jewelry on, etc. she followed suit.

A schedule seems to help. The aids are there to change her and they do.

There was resistance, from her, at first and some big messes, but she has complied for months now.
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My mom as dementia from normal pressure hydrocephalus and she is 91 years old. She just doesn't remember to change her pull ups, especially the one she has worn overnight which is soaked with urine. I can remind her every day but she can't remember and then yells at me for not telling her. I have found that what works best for us is for me to huge signs in her bedroom about what she needs to do but is not remembering. Right now, that sign says "Change your pullup in the morning before you come out of your room to eat breakfast". Of course, each night before she goes to bed, I also remind her to read the sign in the morning. So far, it works for us. I also did the same thing when she had inhome PT because she was refusing it and they were leaving. Now, she has a large sign telling her not to refuse PT or they will call me and she no longer refuses. Whatever works...........
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It's not easy....I just dealt with another mess, spraying down my MIL in the shower, her screaming Go to H*ll at me. She is 94 with dementia and has been with us 12 years. I just went through breast cancer surgery and am still dealing with the emotional upheaval and effects of all that so I am not in the best mood these days. I feel bad she is going through the indignity of incontinence and I feel guilty I don't handle it very well sometimes. I know there are no easy answers...just have to deal with it. Just needed to vent today...thanks.
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I saw it all with my 95 yo mother, who was living alone. Once she was in the NH, all of these problems disappeared. There are only 9 people in the NH who are older than her and all of them are clean and well cared for. I don't know what they do differently there, but "can't" and "won't" isn't an option.
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