Mom refuses to use a walker but insists on having someone help her walk in public. Advice?

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Mom refuses to use a walker but insists on having someone help her walk in public. Advice?

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She lives with my brother and sister-in-law out of state, and I try to visit often. She has almost pulled us down several times, and our arms & shoulders get very sore after helping her walk, as she's a large/heavy woman. She refuses to use a walker, saying she doesn't need one. I'm afraid we're both going to fall, and be seriously injured. How can we convince her to use her walker? Her knees are not strong enough to support her anymore; it's not a balance problem. She's almost 82.

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Stop helping her, if she doesn't need a walker she doesn't need an arm.

When she asks for assistance push her the walker, if she says no then she figures it out. Sorry mom, it is to hard on me physically to help support you, if you need any support it needs to be the walker. Repeat, repeat, repeat, repeat and repeat again until she uses the walker.

My mom helped her MIL that didn't need a walker and ended up tearing her rotator cuff and had to have 2 surgeries. She still has problems after 20 years.

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Does your mom have dementia?

Have her doctor order a physical therapy evaluation to determine her need for a walker. And to show her how to use it.

Then just say "no".

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No, no dementia, just stubborn as a mule! (And in denial) Thanks for your response!

(8)

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My DW will take my hand or arm when walking. She really doesn't need a walker and doesn't use it. She does wander and will get tired easily. I have solved our problem by putting her into a wheel chair and even a special shopping cart at the grocery store. She really likes them and can even take a nap while I try to shop.
Other shoppers have admired this arrangement. It even helps us with most of the employees helping us when needed. This even helps me relax while shopping, which I need.
I no longer have fear of her falling, wearing me out, getting lost, or causing me to have to hurry or miss thing we really need.
Try talking to her into riding in a chair or a motorized shopping cart. Heck she has earned the privilege of riding and the respect of some others by doing this.

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You have the right to protect your own safety. If she falls and takes you with her, you risk broken bones and injured back. So what you do is tell her (short, declarative sentence) that in the future, she must use a walker if you take her out or there's no going out. You let her know that you will not allow her imprudent choices to put you at risk of injury. She won't like it but you have to stick with it. You should also really assess whether it's time to bring in a transport wheelchair instead of a walker for longer distances. Again, you don't take her out without the chair.

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Transport chair? She weighs 350 pounds!

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What kind of walker does she have? The basic metal walker covered by Medicare? We got my MIL a rollator (maybe spelled wrong) walker on amazon for $200. It’s red and has a seat and a basket. She wouldn’t use it, too much pride I guess, she chose to stop leaving the house rather than use the walker. Anyway I gave it to my mom who has COPD and fibromyalgia both of which are seriously affecting her mobility and she loves it! She uses it everywhere. She said she’s gotten a lot of compliments on it haha! Maybe she would be more inclined to use a walker if it was one she picked out? I agree, you’ve got to stop helping mom. She’s going to end up seriously hurting whoever she is holding on to, as well as herself.

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I think Medicare may pay for rollerator now with a doctors note saying its needed. Sometimes a rollerator is not suggested because it can get out of hand. You have to be able to use the brakes.

I agree, no more going out if she won't use the walker. If she starts to fall so will you.

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Tell her no walker than she will need to use a wide wheelchair. Wheelchair or walker.

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That's what I think - stop helping her; but my brother caves in. He needs to just get the walker out of the trunk and bring it to her side of the car. Period. Thanks for responding!

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That will be his problem. Don't you help her. You can't control your brother, the only one you can control is you.

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My MIL did the same thing to me recently. She said she won't use the walker in public. I simply stood while she wobbled past me and then said I wasn't going anywhere if she didn't have her walker.
She wanted groceries? She wanted to go to appts?
Walker.
She got to her door and told me to come.
I said I wasn't going anywhere with her unless she had the walker.
And yes, she is a fall risk and has been told over and over to use a walker.
She also has dementia and is sure that the doctors are all wrong.

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That's what I had to do with my 92 year old dad. It was tough for him at first and now he's used to it. I just stood there and wouldn't leave the house until he used his walker. He has one of those 4 wheel walkers with the seat and basket. He has found he likes to have a place to sit anytime he wants to stop and rest. It took awhile but we finally got there.

(6)

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It is OK to tell your mom NO. If she doesn’t need a walker, she doesn’t need your arm.

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Let her walk herself.

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I have the same problem. However, my brother is in a wheel chair. He doesn't think he needs that either. Can't walk 5 steps without having to sit down. He has to walk to go to the bathroom because his bathroom at the nursing home is NOT handicap assessable. I demanded they put in hand rails. I wanted to get him the walker with wheels because he has to walk a little, but the physical therapists thought he might get hurt by it rolling away when he tried to turn and sit. He is a big man in weight. I also helped him when he was supposed to use a walker, but he refused and used 2 canes like ski poles. Not a good thing. I am finding that the tone of my voice has a lot to do with him not getting in an uproar. When he snarls I tell him we do these things out of love and his safety concern and if you doesn't want to use it - it is OK - he can just stay home. He will then comply. It is hard hard hard. Hang in.

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Either make the nursing home he's in put hand rails on the bathroom or get him out of there; you will take him someplace else

(3)

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I would never use my body to walk an unsteady obese person. You would have to live with the injuries -- the person who refuses the walker would care less they are in their own world. just tell her NO..and if she still refuses a walker and tell her when she falls, you will call 911. if hospitalized she will most likely be in bed most of the time, get weaker and end up in a nursing home. all because she refused the walker. Be mindful of your OWN safety. YOU have to live with the injuries. the rest of your life.

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Exactly,, and it’s not worth living in pain every day for the rest of your life!!!! Use the walker, or it’s a NO GO,,,,

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Buy a sturdy walker for her -- one that can hold her and allow her to be mobile. Since you don't live with her, your brother should do this and he should be honest with her about the difficulty holding her up while she walks. Isn't that the only way to proceed?

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You will fall. It's only a matter of when.

Call her doctor (follow up with a letter) and explain that she's no longer able to ambulate without support. S/he will order the walker and some PT/OT to teach her how to safely use it (if that's not offered, insist on it - it should be a home visit so she can get comfortable using it in the house).

When she wants to use YOU as a walker, tell her she can't. If that seems too harsh, tell her you pulled a muscle in your neck and can't support her (on either side!).

This is vanity and denial. It deserves compassion and empathy, but not indulgence.

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your last line is perfect! Another to go in my file of helpful comments from here!

(6)

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Well, I suppose as long as one of you is standing there and taking it then she doesn't need a walker, as she sees it...

But the equipment she is relying on - namely, you - is unreliable and unsafe. If you fall, so does she.

At its most extreme, you can convince her by simply staying out of reach! - which can't be impossible, after all, because you must be considerably nimbler on your feet than she is. Research walkers best adapted for her purposes, environment, height, shape and so on, and get her one. There may follow some undignified moments with you placing the walker ready for her then dodging about to avoid being used instead, but with patience and persistence you'll get there.

Is this a pride issue, a comfort issue, a false start issue (she was given one to try and it didn't suit her, perhaps)? If you can identify what she's most got against them it'll make it easier to overcome her reservations.

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What you said about getting out of the way is true. I did this with my mother, because of childhood mental abuse, I couldn't stand for her to touch me. With therapy I eventually could stand to touch her, but I still couldn't stand for her to touch me.

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My mother in law has been refusing to use her walker and has been having falls for a while. Says she don't need one. She could manage for a good while to hide it from her Dr, but she fell in his office a few weeks ago. He set up for home health to send a nurse and a physical therapist a few times a week. She'll use her walker now when they are here, but once they leave, she's back to not using it. We're at a loss on it as we can't make her use it. We've told her that if she takes a bad fall, she could end up in a nursing home, but as usual, she's the adult, we're the kids and she doesn't believe it.

But she does blame us for Home Health coming in "harassing" her.

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As Dave Ramsey said, "it is the powdered butt syndrome, once they have powdered your butt, they don't take you seriously".

(1)

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My Mom is now 97 1/2 years old. She can hardly walk but not in need of a wheelchair yet. She has fallen many times in the last 3 years and ended up in ER with lacerations and has received stiches and staples in the head, in the arm, in the face too. She still refuses to use a walker!....matter of pride as she thinks she is still young and vital.

SO, repeat and repeat some more. Nothing else you can do but make them use it no matter how much they refuse. No walker, no walking, no outing, no nothing.

And, because it is a matter of pride in public for them, I have found it wise to offer a choice, "Okay Mom, you choose: you can go out with the walker or stay home." "You can see people and places with us, with your walker, or no outings at all. What do you choose?"

Let's give them a choice, as there are not many things they now have the power to decide.

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Agree 100%!!

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Dear WannaDANCE2018,

Is there any way that you can take your mom and her walker to the PT or have home health PT come to the house and train her on using her walker? My mom had one and I had no idea that the height needed adjusting, and the correct way to walk behind it. When we did those things, I realized that my mom looked even more relaxed using it and of course, it was more beneficial to her in the long run.

Additionally, a good PT can show her the correct way to stand up from her chair, good easy exercises to strengthen her legs, etc.,... which would help her greatly, along with your brother and sister in law.

It is probable that when she used it first, she found it uncomfortable or it seemed off.. & made her feel unsteady. I understand stubbornness does come into play, but if she’s trained on it, she might be more open. Be firm with her and encourage her to use her walker. Blessings to your family for reaching out and helping mom!

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At 90 my Mom was too embarrassed to use a rolator. At 93, she wouldn't make a move without it. She is a big fall risk and has fallen in the past, but not since she started to use the rolator. To tell you the truth, she really needs a wheelchair, but she refuses to use that. The rolator with the seat also allows us to push her in it at doctor's offices if there is too much walking. I would never get one of those cheap aluminium ones. The rolator is the way to go.

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My moms dr wouldn’t recommend rollator for her but I did get a much better two wheel. The reason he said a 4 wheel will get away from her and Teepa Snows video said the same, Bc of dementia. The OP sounds like she actually needs a wheelchair or will soon.

(5)

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Same here! Kyroplasty (cement disc) procedure in June, two months later broken hip and hip replacement because of pride. She wouldn’t use walker, now she’s in a wheelchair and sometimes walker. This isn’t about her choosing, y’all are. It’s only a matter of time. Oh mention rehab and it might make a difference these falls change your life.

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Mom may feel that “everybody is watching me” shlump along on her walker when nothing could be further from the truth. You may have to go preschool on her and tell her if she doesn’t use her walker, she doesn’t go out. The parts of your body you would injure if you fell would not heal well and could cause you problems for the rest of your life.

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My mom was the same way. I over did my walking limp to show her how painful it was for me. I have RA and bone rubbing bone in my knee. I'm an only child so it was all on me. I simply told her the doctor said I should not put extra weight on my knee. So if she didn't use it we wouldn't be able to go. Its difficult but you have to tell her and stick to it.

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Have you tried to have a sincere conversation with her explaining exactly what you have told us?
‘Mom, I completely understand a walker is not what you, me or anyone else would dream of, but we all have to be realistic and adjust to the situations that life presents us with. I truly feel I’m going to fall with you one day soon and we both will get injured. I cannot hold you nor protect you as I wish I could. If you fall the consequences may be much more negative and even lifelong lasting than to use a walker. Let’s make an effort and try the walker, it may give you the independence that you don’t have! ‘

Having said that, my mom for the longest time used an umbrella instead of a cane! :) She has always been a very elegant lady, and this aging process has been very hard for her. Yet, when she realized herself that the umbrella didn’t provide the stability she needed, she went for the cane without me having to say anything. I already had at least three canes in the house, from a nice antique one, to a modern light-included more common looking one, just waiting for her to make the decision. Once your mom tries the walker and feels the stability it provides she may give up and not live or leave without it! I’d just get one and kindly invite her to try it at home!

Best of luck!!

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The problem with that is you really need to be fitted for a walker or it is just another hazard.

It is lovely that you have a reasonable mom. Wish it were so for everyone.

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Many seniors see walkers as something that "old" people use and it is a "dependent" tool. If you position it that it is an "independent tool", meaning that a walker will allow you to do things you want when, you want and do it safely. For example, many people stop going across the street to shop because it exhausts them. If they take the walker, they have something to rest on, something to carry their items around the store and back to their home. It makes life so much more enjoyable. Hope that helps!

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My aunt was helping an older woman by walking beside her, holding on, arms linked, and the other woman misjudged the height of a step and went down, taking my aunt with her. Fortunately my aunt was only bruised, but the other woman was seriously injured as she hit her head. It could easily have turned out worse for my aunt. So it's not only your mom's decision - she is putting other people at risk and you don't have to agree to that.

Also, can you get her doctor or NP or PT to write a "prescription" for walker use? My M-I-L is on instruction: aluminum walker within the assisted living facility, rolator any time we take her out. Much easier for us to say, "Sorry mom, doctor's orders."

Third: my own mother was vain about using a walker and used a cane, improperly, which led to more pain because she leaned to one side. When the doctor told her she had to use walker everywhere, wouldn't you know her pain got better because she was standing straighter? (Duh - no amount of our telling her that made any difference, but to some of our loved ones, doctors are gods.)

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My husband started using a quad cane but was a big risk for falls when alive. He needed to walk for exercise but even with a two wheel walker, he tired easily and needed to sit and rest a bit. We checked with his VA doctor and end results, he was tested using a four wheel walker but it was too easy to get away from him. So they got him a four wheel walker with seat, BUT it has larger wheels, hand brakes and the back two wheels have adjustable brakes. So the VA folks adjusted those brakes to where he could walk easily but it couldn't get away from him. Worked like a charm! The walker is a Dolomite Legacy 600 and it also has a detachable basket. At times he asked for his cane but I explained that it was too easy for him to trip over the legs and he would fall more than he already was. He also had Alzheimer's and Parkinson's Disease, so at times I had to remind him to use his walker, around the house as well as when out and about. He is now with our Lord, as he passed away June 29th. I am keeping that walker because I have a bad back and may very well need it down the road. Pride won't prevent me from using it, as it's much better than having to be in a wheelchair.

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Very dangerous for all. Does she have to go out?

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My mom would never use one either. So I would take her to a store and she would walk with a cart. Kept her moving! They don't want to think that they are old!

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Far better to injure your caregiver than look at the facts. Sheesh!

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I haven't taken the time to read through all the responses so my apologies if I'm repeating. I might try a two pronged approach, the first being one of those walkers with wheels and a seat that can be presented as being specifically for the knee problem and not because of balance or need for real assistance walking. You and or a doctor or PT can say while she can certainly use it around the house if she wants it's really for when she's out shopping or walking further distances that become too much for her knees. She knows the times and with this "unit" it just rolls in front of her until she needs a rest or some assistance and then she just sets the break and can take a seat. So she can be looking a labels for instance in the grocery store while siting on the seat and giving her knees a rest. My grandmother simply didn't use the walker she needed (for balance but we don't have to dwell on that) until she got one of these on wheels with the seat, she loved it!

The other angle I would also use is the simple truth, you are all too old yourselves and are afraid one of you (you, your SIL...) are going to get hurt assisting her so much, hopefully she will use assistance to help/protect you if she wont do it for herself. Maybe a doctor should be the one to suggest, express this even. Whatever you think might help her hear that it's not about her it's about the people she loves and depends on. It's amazing the things we are willing to do for others but not ourselves, though I would also submit that doing these things for others is doing something for ourselves, like giving gifts.

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Mom refuses to use a walker but insists on having someone help her walk in public. Advice?

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