Mom refuses to use a walker but insists on having someone help her walk in public. Advice?

I'm the 61yr old caregiver of my 90yr old dad, a retired farmer who used to be strong and active. He has no cartilage left in his shoulders from years of physically demanding farming activities, so a cane was awkward and not an option. Two yrs ago, he finally gave in to using a rollator fulltime after nearly pulling us both down walking together. At first he would want to just leave the thing in the car and hold on to me because he saw how awkward it was for me to get it in and out of the vehicles. But I insisted that the challenge for me was worth the freedom it gave both him AND me. Pride was a bit of an issue at first, but when we began humorously coining his condition as "oldness," he seemed more able to accept the fact that this was the new normal. Now he says his oldness is getting older. Funny but sad for me.

1 year ago, we were begging my father to please use his walker, cane, anything as he has neuropathy and his legs were continually weakening. He refused to listen and defied us and doctors.... he finally fell one times too many, cracked his back, and went to rehab/hospital. He has never been back home since then as other ailments started piling up. He is now bedridden in a LTC.... we wish that he would have listened. I’m not saying that the fall caused all the follow on problems, but we will never know. Be forceful with your mother. You can’t be the walker, as you can easily be hurt too.

Have same problem with my mom would love an answer she keeps insisting she plans to throw away cane soon and refuses her walker totally needing assistance walking with cane.

Good answers here. My mom is ashamed of her walker and also thinks it is in everyone's way once she arrives at her destination. So she tries to ditch it everywhere she goes. I bought her a very pretty walker and show her how she can sit on it when tired, store tissues, snacks, and a sweater under the seat, I show her how the brakes work, and tell her stories about how teenagers think walkers are cool. They actually do.

my dad who died just 2 months ago was difficult on this one too. I would appeal to his need to help you stay safe as a previous poster said. Failing that, honestly, I would refuse to take him out. I get that they need to have some independence in decision making, but not when it is dangerous to either of you.

My mom was using the walker, but she sometimes feels like the walker was in her way. Most of the time, she kept forgetting to use the walker. I had to keep reminding her. In the other hand, my dad assisted using the walker because he knew that he would lose his balance. At the end of his life, he would sometimes forget to use his walker.

If I were you, I would tell your mom that her walker is a tool to keep her safe when she has to walk so she won’t get broken bones if she falls. Be safe than sorry!

My Aunt uses a wheelchair as if she was pushing the person. This gives her control and mobility.

You know how people say elders are like toddlers...sometimes we need to use the same techniques as with kids.  We want children to think it is their choice, when it really is smoke and mirrors...like "Do you want the blue shirt or the red shirt?"  Well, you could use "Do you want the walker or the wheelchair?" and you take yourself out of the options, but still giving her some room to make a decision.

My mother is in her mid 60's with a degenerative neuro muscular condition...she is in a wheelchair, she can transfer, but not walk.  And we have several assistive devices to help her hold herself up...we don't use ourselves, we only guide her.

Oh yes, the “I don’t need a walker” situation! My mom did this for years, until I finally got her into physical therapy, and her therapist told her she needed to use a walker. From that moment on, she has used a walker! It just took someone else that was working to help her, to tell her, and it worked! Good luck!

You know how people say elders are like toddlers...sometimes we need to use the same techniques as with kids.  We want children to think it is their choice, when it really is smoke and mirrors...like "Do you want the blue shirt or the red shirt?"  Well, you could use "Do you want the walker or the wheelchair?" and you take yourself out of the options, but still giving her some room to make a decision.

My mother is in her mid 60's with a degenerative neuro muscular condition...she is in a wheelchair, she can transfer, but not walk.  And we have several assistive devices to help her hold herself up...we don't use ourselves, we only guide her.

I would simply tell her that she is causing you pain and putting you in danger. Be honest and stick to that. Do not continue to enable her refusal of her walker . Then tell her that if she does not use the walker that she will have to sit and not walk at all. I hate to say this but as a mother, when my child refused things that she needed or threw tantrums, i did not give into them, and i stuck to my guns.

I had the same problem with my mom. She had balance problems as well as weakness, but insisted that if I just held her hand she'd be fine. I tried it once, as soon as we entered the store she exclaimed that she needed to sit down. Of course there was no place to sit, so she insisted that she was going " to the ground". I held her up using a wall for support and told her that if she fell, I could not pick her up and would have to call an ambulance. She immediately found the strength to return to the car! She, too, refused a walker even after PT instructed her in it's use. She would push it in front of her like a wheelbarrow and refused to use it correctly. PT finally discharged her as non- compliant because she fought them every step. She now cannot stand alone and has to be transferred from chair to bed, bathed in bed and wear diapers because she refused to learn to use either a walker or a rollinator. She now complains constantly that she is "stuck" and can't do anything. Try explaining to your mom the consequences of not learning to remain mobile. The walker will help her to maintain her independence.

There are lots of good suggestions in this post. The only thing you do have control over is whether or not you allow her to use you as an assistive device to help her walk. You could have her doctor "order" you not to be her crutch, or walker because it is not safe for her. "Sorry mom, we can't help you walk because your doctor has ordered us not to. We can't go against the doctor."

Rollators are great! Having someone else evaluate and explain the need is always helpful. My mom's hip doctor told her that her walker was her best friend and that she should take it with her everywhere. We never had a problem and I was so glad to keep her safe and save my back.

My mother-in-law refused to use a cane....until I found a beautiful, stylish one that redefined what she thought a cane looked like. The same can be done with rollators, walkers, and portable wheelchairs. Go for color and decorate! At the very least, use a gait belt with her; make sure that you have a physical therapist explain proper technique so that you don't get hurt.

Wife suffers from oste arthritis
she has rollator Best thing since sliced bread. 4000 mile auto trip with it. Easy in easy out of car.

My mother is the same, will not use a walker or a cane to save her life,, or my back! After our last trip overseas I told her that was it.. no more. She hung on me or my 84 YO aunt the entire time, and I had a terrible trip. She has since gone to visit a cousin in TX, and she hung on her the entire time..LOL. Nothing I or her Drs say will change her mind.. I swear I am going to put "I"ll be fine" on her tombstone! You can't reason with her.. and even the fact that my 50 YO best friend needs a cane will not change her mind

Your mom is placing you in a dangerous situation the only way it will stop is if you “man up” and refuse to walk with her. You tell her I will take you out , but only if you use your walker. Eleanor Roosevelt said it best “ you can only stop being a doormat when you refuse to lay down “.
You just enable her, you don’t try to convince her to use her walker, you tell her use your walker or we don’t go.,Then walk away don’t get into a discussion stand up for yourself. She is bullying you and quilt tripping you into putting yourself in harm’s way

Oh, how commonplace this is! An elder will resist the walker because it makes them look "old." Instead, they would rather use the VERY unsafe practice of balancing on someone's arm~oftentimes hurting the one assisting them!

Husband refused to use walker too. Finally he realized nobody could support him to keep him from becoming unbalanced and then he began to use the walker. You need to tell mom "no" - we can't go to the store, we can't go to the movie, we can't go where you want to go UNLESS you are willing to use the walker. It's a matter of pride - they just don't want to realize they're getting older and need the special help. If you stand firm and don't give in to her, it will work. Otherwise, you're going to have nothing but frustration.

WannaDance the reason Your Mom refuses to use a walker is She would feel embarrassed if She was seen by some Person She knows but feels an arm assist is far less noticible. My Mom refused to use a walking stick in public for the same reason as She felt it would draw attension to Her but asked for arm assistance. I then contacted the Occupational Therapist Who gave me a order to get the mobile walker which Mom loved. It was the dinkiest thing with one front and two back wheels, also had hand brakes front and back and a carrier bag fixed on the frame. Your Mom would love it.

We don't need to convince them of anything, except perhaps that we are prepared to stand behind what we say to them.
It's tough to stop deferring to our elders, but it's a natural part of the life cycle of families. And in the majority white culture in the U.S. (my experience is limited to that!) it seems the natural order of things. Parents grow old, we their children must step up. It's all uncharted territory. But we aren't doing them any favors by continuing to act as though they are always in charge and we owe them obedience. I think dignity is very important, but so is love, and judgment, and safety. How dignified is it for an elderly person to fall- especially in public? It's awful for people to have to admit that they fractured a hip or got a concussion *because they fell?* If protecting their dignity is your concern, consider the indignity of them needing to wait- on the floor- for emergency personnel to arrive even just to get them back on their feet? I speak from experience. It's painful to witness. So is the guilt, even shame. My mother fell a few times on my watch, and it was hell. Sometimes at home! One time I was helping her get to the toilet on time...she was screaming at me to hurry, and I Iet go of her for one moment, she lost her balance, and went crashing into the acrylic sliding shower door- knocked it right out of its track, and somehow landed safely with no broken bones, no head injury...

One a.m. I took her to urgent care after her home health aide noticed a big purple bruise on her torso...I learned she had fallen the previous night, my sister had somehow gotten her up, and my mother reportedly refused medical attention. My sister hoped no one would know it had happened- I'm quite certain she was ashamed she'd been unable to prevent a fall. There I was with this diligent doctor, trying to explain injuries I had not witnessed and that my mother didn't even remember getting...The doctor admitted she had a dilemma... serious bruises, failure to get checked out the previous evening... This whole thing caught me completely off guard- I had never even considered that scenario before then.

People frequently develop impaired judgment as they age- it's physiological, they can't help it. And they need us to step in when their or others' safety is at risk. It might be that they re-use paper plates & plastic utensils they have "washed" and cannot tell are not clean, or skipping breakfast as a diabetic, or deciding not to drink fluids for many hours until dehydration causes lightheadedness and weakness and they fall. In my Mom's case, those were the tipping points at which we and her doctor insisted she allow a home health aide for one hour every morning- period. Until she knew we were serious, she would send them away. They'd knock on her door and she'd refuse to let them in.

There were many doctor visits and shopping trips when my mother would get out of the passenger seat, close the door and head for our destination. And I would have to say "Mom, hold on, you need your walker." She'd insist she didn't need it for a quick stop. Sometimes she would agree to use it, other times I'd have to say "Mom I'm not going in there with you if you don't use your walker." The rules- and roles- change as our parents age, and if we really love them I think we have to accept the natural order of things and deal with their reactions; what's the alternative?

By the way, I kind of miss those days. Vascular dementia has taken nearly everything from her; today's struggles are about whether she'll allow us to brush her teeth.

Just visited my mother's 95 year old aunt. She fell several weeks ago, had serious concussion & a hematoma...and has had chronic and nearly debilitating arthritis in her hip, and spinal stenosis. She began to use a walker after a few years of misery and severely limited mobility, but to her this was independence, so it was worth it.

So she had a PT eval. She said to me plaintively, "I can't understand why no one considers it a goal for me to walk on my own again...I am so frustrated by that." How's that for denial!

I would get a walker myself! Tell her that "one of us has to use the walker - I need it in order to be able to help YOU!". Then you may actually have to use it a couple of times. Make it a nice one that looks good, not so clinical, and the one I got mom to use had a padded seat. That won her over while standing in line at Penney's.
Best Wishes ~ Jill
#itainteasy

My mother does the same thing, but everywhere. To go to the bathroom, to see her tons of plants, to everywhere... and everytime we bring the walker subject, she closes the talk, enters in denial, starts to cry, complain, scream. I try and give her only my left arm, the one it's already *bleeeeep* up, and preserve my right one. But it's troublesome. We have to stop everything we are doing to take her here and there, if in the bathroom, we need to wait untill she opens the door to take her back... i love her more than everything, but feel her wet hand from the bathroom sink. on my arm... disgusts me. Thanks for all the tips here, will try some

Usually, when patients develop dementia, they don’t realize they need walker & either walk without it & fall or lose it....misplace it, etc. There was a man in SNF when my mother was there...that always left his walker and walked without it. The CNAs used to always have to remind him or ask him where is his walker?!? Well, you get the idea!

Wannadance2018; HI so mom is too weak in the knees and refuses to use a walker hmmm......Same thing with my aunt! But shes tiny and I allowed her to get a wheelchair to go around in,,but she thinks she does not have to use a Walker in her room grrrrrr it makes me crazy she keeps falling so Im hopeing this time I got through to her I said "Auntie if you do not use your walker to walk with you will fall and sooner or later you'll break a hip or worse then you'll have to be in a Nursing home and you'll be bedridden " I must of said this to her a thousand times!!! I do see her useing her walker more often now mom wanted yo to use a cain all the time I got the whole Family to talk to mom and we put her on Physical therapy the seniors HATE physical therapy!!! the therapist also told mom use walker its much more safe than anyone helping her to walk or a cain we all REALLY PUT OUR FOOT DOWN we said we CAN NOT help her if she can not walk there is no way , she has to be able to walk ,if you dont use it you lose it!!! We said if you fall youll have to go to a Nurseing home! we all ganged up on the issue andeverybody refused to help mom walk ever unless she used the walker!! IT IS A TYPE OF GREIF THATthe seniors go through loseing another form of independence!! So they tend to get stubborn useing a new tool or eliminateing a old tool its really. SAD but sometimes you have to use TOUGH LOVE so they'll do what is safest for all involved Good luck!!!

My late Grandmother refused to use a walker. However she did accept the use of a sturdy shopping cart! This was great because she would be on a “shopping trip” and her vanity about using a walker was assuaged. It was an “accessory” for her outing (like an oversized handbag) not a “walker” for an old person.
Buy a heavy duty cart and weight the bottom down if you can. This proved to be an excellent solution for my late Grandmother. She most definitely was too heavy to lean on me and I would have gone “down with the ship”.
By the way, just give it to her and insist that she use it. If she has a favorite color, get that. Throw your stuff in there if you have to. If you or she falls you will have a MUCH bigger problem on your hands.
Hope this is of some help. Good luck.

You have many good responses here. Be firm. Use a walker or wheelchair or no go. My mother was the same. She yanked on me. Eventually, I injured my own back so severely, I spent two years in physical therapy. I use a cane now.

My dad was the same way. He refused to take his walker to the grocery store on our weekly trips. He would use the cart until one day, there were more groceries than normal and he couldn't push the cart. He fell in the parking lot. That was the end of that. From that point on, whenever we go out, the walker goes with us or we don't go.