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Hello.
First, I would like to express my gratitude for this forum. It is a place I can safely ask questions/vent/type out my thoughts.
Well, mom is in a steady decline. She's safe and cared for - but time continues to march on. Supplemental in home oxygen has been ordered by her doctor, and she is deeply unhappy about the process of aging.
I live around 300 miles away, but visit frequently and phone her twice per day. She often states that she feels lonely, but rebuffs all of my suggestions to help alleviate the loneliness.
"How about visiting the common room, Mom?" No." How about sitting outside under the gazebo/outdoor commons?" No. "Would you like your PSW to stop by more frequently?" No.
I wish she would accept that she has agency in her life and can still make an effort to engage - even at 74 years old. I feel very bad for her, but she is also a grown adult who is capable of making her own decisions.
Thanks for listening.

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She wants you there 24/7. Your Moms life is what she makes it. You are 300 mls away and can't be there to entertain her and you are not moving nor should you. Have Mom checked out for depression. I hear the meds do wonders. Does the staff try to get her out and about?
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SoTiredHelp Aug 10, 2024
Sadly, you are right - she would prefer that I be her 24/7 caregiver, but that wouldn't be healthy for either of us. (She has problems recognizing good boundaries.). Also, my career and husband are here, so moving will not happen.

The complex staff do engage with her, but she prefers to do little to help her engagement level (ie. refusing to wear her hearing aids).

I will see if her doctor will re-evaluate her depression medication. It has been quite awhile since they have been evaluated.

Thank you.
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Do you know for a fact she doesn’t go to any activities ? Have you asked the facility ?
Some don’t admit to going to activities and say they are lonely so you visit more .
I had two family members do this that were going infrequently to activities . When they got caught at an activity when I changed up the time I visited, they stopped going anymore.
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Reply to waytomisery
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Another slant on Alva’s comment “It may not be loneliness, but the sad process of losing it all”. It might also be an attempt at manipulation – ‘I’ll only go and join in, if you come and go with me’. Even ‘This isn’t working, you need to come and get me to live with you’.

It might be worth hiring a ‘companion’ to go with her once a week, and organise the ‘joining in’.
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Anxietynacy Aug 9, 2024
I was thinking the same thing.
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My mom complains a lot and also rejects 99.99% of my suggestions. So I have backed way off on offering options. Now when she complains I just listen politely and nod and then change the subject whenever I can. It saves ME a lot of suffering.
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Reply to Suzy23
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This is not your problem to solve. Next time she tells you she is lonely ask her what she has done to change that. Of course she is going to be lonely if she sits in her room alone all day. My father was a very outgoing person so I figured AL would be a good fit. Nope, he stayed in his room and expected others to seek him out. Did I make his entertainment my problem? no.
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I learned a valuable lesson early in my 18 months of counseling due to our 6 year walk in dementia. I am NOT responsible for my mother’s happiness. My job is to provide a safe living environment, good food and good medical care. She has opportunities for entertainment and company. I provide word games and books. A TV is available. She has family visits 5 days a week for an hour or so. She wants only my attention and is on an antidepressant. It is up to her to engage in these other activities. I stopped worrying myself over her loneliness. I feel so much better!
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Daughterof1930 Aug 9, 2024
Wise words
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My grandmother was very active socially and the kind of person everyone loved to be with because she always made you feel special without any apparent effort. And yet she still felt lonely. I think her loneliness was the kind that can't be assuaged by being surrounded by people or being more active, it was about that quiet time at the end of the day when there was nobody there, having lost her spouse, her siblings, the peers of her generation, her place in the world.
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She may need medical attention for depression.
I will say that unless she is introduced and welcomed by new people it can be very difficult to socialize and make new friends. I am in touch with a lot of seniors and have seen people exclude others because they are not part of the friend group. It reminds me of High School. Sometimes attending events at senior centers can be helpful. If your mom is widowed or divorced there are support groups in the community. A lot of senior people make friends through attending support groups. Many Assisted living facilities provide rides to local community events. Also there are home health aides that can be hired as companions. I wish you and your Mom the best.
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Reply to liz1906
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You are in touch with her a lot. Does she not want to socialize with anyone? Or does she not want to socialize with anyone but you?

My formerly social mother isolated herself for years but demanded my company 24/7. Impossible. That angered her but I cannot fix all the problems she created for herself.

The good news: Just recently she (99, dementia) has FINALLY started socializing with someone at the care home. They’re both bedridden and the staff has moved their beds into the same room to see if they will continue to uplift each other. I am thrilled.
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SoTiredHelp Aug 9, 2024
Yes, she prefers my company over others - and I often have to explain to her that I have responsibilities toward my husband and my job.

Your post gives me hope that she will be more willing to reach out to others one day.

Thanks.
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You’ve done exactly what you can and should do, as you said, mom is safe and cared for. She might benefit from a daily dose of medication to brighten her mood. My dad was greatly helped by Zoloft his last years, he often called it his “attitude medicine” as he knew it helped him not be so pessimistic. Your job now is to guard your own health and positive attitude in the face of mom’s unhappiness. I wish you both peace
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SoTiredHelp Aug 9, 2024
Thank you.
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Has your mother evaluated for depression, preferably by a geriatric psychiatrist?

I would not make suggestions.i would ask "what is your plan for dealing with that mom?"

"Have you talked to anyone about that?"

"Is there something I can do to help?"
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PeggySue2020 Aug 9, 2024
Agree with all but the last suggestion. Mom only accepts this daughter to assuage her loneliness, and daughter can’t do that 24/7.
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Gosh...your mom is so young to be so disengaged from life. What a shame, when she could live another 20+ years.
But you are correct....you are NOT responsible for your mom happiness, only she is.
So if she wants to sit around all day and complain that she's lonely, that is on her.
So next time she wants to complain to you, tell her that you're done listening to that complaint as she has more than enough options if she really wanted them.
And then either change the subject or hang up the phone.
Hopefully she'll get the message sooner than later.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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My father-in-law is similar to your mother. If I had $1 for every time either me or my husband suggested the same things you do and FIL said "No", I would be rich. We finally stopped because his constant "No" was frustrating and bringing us down. And with his cognitive decline, "No" was his knee-jerk reaction, which we found out when we sought counseling on how to deal with him.
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My mom is 91 and lives in a senior adult complex. She has constant visitors she plays cards twice a week for 4-5 hour. Her and a friend go the public library once every two weeks. She goes to church on a regular basis and her friends keep her updated on the latest gossip and rumors at her complex. She gets her hair done once a week on Friday, for church functions. Guess what, she's lonely. I call her twice a week and go visit as much as possible, I still work full time. Do what you can from a distance. My mom lives 15 minutes away, it might as well be on the other side of the world. You won't win this. My mom continues to ask why I don't retire. I'm six years from retirement. Some elderly people like to just sit and be miserable. When they can't do that then they want to make others miserable.
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Reply to Jhalldenton
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Some people aren't looking for a cure.....they just want to complain. Your mother, at 74, has nothing to feel sorry for herself about! The cure for old age is death....would she prefer that? Because 74 is not very old and needing oxygen is not the end of the world! I see people going everywhere these days with portable oxygen!

My next door neighbor is 94. She owns her own home, drives her own car, plays cards, belongs to ladies groups, cooks, flies to see her grandkids and great grandkids......I assure you she's not feeling sorry for herself even after 2 hip replacements! She chooses to LIVE and enjoy each day on earth and consider it a gift. If your mother wants to cocoon herself away and complain of "loneliness", that's her prerogative, but I wouldn't encourage that kind of self pity myself (not that you are). She should go volunteer in the children's cancer ward at a local hospital and then acknowledge how fortunate she is! Best way to avoid self pity is to give back to society, imo.

I hope mom steps out of her own way and decides to appreciate life.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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Has she ever been a whole lot different?
It may not be loneliness, but the sad process of losing it all. And I at 82 can advise you that it IS sad, and it hurts. You not only lose all you love one at a time, but they are much changed if they are not gone, and you MISS YOURSELF. You miss the vital person you once were who was not afraid, who was not weak and achy, who had things to look forward to, not back on. Who was self- sufficient and without needs.

I think your mom is basically telling you that aging sucks. She is correct. It does. And while we are independent, in our own homes, and can get around and do for ourselves it is somewhat tolerable. Somewhat. But it doesn't have an upside. That whole thing about wisdom? Just a whole lot of silliness. By the time we have anything at all to say no one wants to listen to us, and why should they. Their world is not ours. Their lives are entirely a different set of circumstances.

Just don't take this on. It isn't yours. You didn't cause it. You can't fix it. It's a simple fact of life. I would simply say that you are sorry it isn't a good day. What can you do to help, if anything. And tell her that you yourself are perhaps getting an ache here and a pain there, and understand that what she's dealing with isn't a whole lot of pain. Tell her you wish you had an answer, and you're so sorry. That's about the best you can do.

Meanwhile, stay healthy and vital and never stop moving. Treat your body as though it's GOLD, because it is!
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Evamar Aug 9, 2024
O
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You are correct . Mom is choosing not to seek interaction with others that would alleviate some loneliness . You can’t do anything about it .
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Reply to waytomisery
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Hi SoTired - is your mom a "pet person"? Maybe she needs a visit to the animal shelter and adopt an adult cat! That would keep her company!
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SoTiredHelp Aug 9, 2024
She's not a pet person (too weak), but your suggestion is inspiring me to ask the complex when the service dogs are visiting. At least she can spend a little time with them and then go back to her room.

Here's hoping.
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With any kind of cognitive decline, or even depression, initiative declines, as well.

It stinks. 😞
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