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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
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III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
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V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Mostly Independent
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Has a doctor suggested she shouldn't drive? Would a doctor be willing to contact the DMV? My husband's doctor did that and he got a letter in the mail revoking his license. This did not make the non-driving issue easy, but at least I didn't have to be the bad guy.
If this isn't at a doctor's suggestion, I wonder if your area has a rehabilitation center that does driving assessments? If Mom goes through their testing and they say she can continue to drive, then you can relax for a while. If they say she is not safe behind a wheel, then again you don't have to be the bad guy.
If Mom really isn't safe driving, then you need to do everything in your power to stop her from endangering others, including being the bad guy if necessary. But if you can arrange for the orders to come from a more objective source that MIGHT help your relationship a bit.
California requires doctors to report medical conditions that may impair driving abilities. Apparently her MD does not see a problem. What if you let her drive you somewhere so you can observe her driving skills?
Driving while impaired by prescription meds in most states is the same as Driving while impaired by alcohol. Similar punishment and penalties. Both kill people, both impaired driver and innocent people on the roadways
I would treat them both the same with regard to preventing a family member from doing it. I would take keys, call Dr., etc. If someone gets angry because you prevent them from driving while impaired, then, you did the right thing. Hurt feelings on my part or my impaired family member is worth getting them off the road.
If your mom's meds say "Do not operate heavy machinery while taking this medication" then that's the liability warning! Check with the DMV in the state where mom lives to see if you can report her as a potentially dangerous driver. They'll send her a letter about testing, and, if she fails, they'll take your place being the bad guy.
Mom is not going to accept this quickly or easily. It took my FIL a year. Now he uses the transportation offered at independent living, Uber (someone in his building helps him use the Uber app), or a family member will drive him. What options are there once your mom's car is gone?
I'm sorry you are in this spot. We lived through it, but it was hard. Stand your ground and don't give in. I had to think of my MIL as a cross between a toddler and a raccoon: she would try like a toddler, to get her way (whining, blaming, tantrums, etc). But like a raccoon, she would remember what she had tried, what had not worked and she would start there and try new antics! (Not wasting time on things that we were growing immune to.)
I'm pretty sure my nephew finally disabled the vehicle - a non-confrontational way to solve the problem. Not really honest, but it got the job done :)
I think if you ask my MIL even today, she will say that "I can still drive if I want to" - even though she has her left shoulder mostly out of socket, preventing her from lifting her arm much past 10 % elevation. Even though her legs are weak and reflexes are slow, & reaction time is not safe for driving. Even though 2 of her doctors have said she isn't to drive anymore -- all that, and she thinks she can drive!
The worst part for me was when we tried the guilt route - "you would feel terrible if you caused a wreck and someone was injured or even killed" And she said she wouldn't care (and she truly meant it too.) It was in that moment that I finally knew how selfish she was. No one matters but her, the rest of us can be collateral damage as long as she gets what she wants.
I would point out that there is a difference in just suspecting that someone is declining in health and shouldn't be driving and KNOWING that they are under the influence of a narcotic and are driving anyway. I would prevent a family member from driving while impaired regardless of how they may dislike me. I actually called the police to report that my grandfather was driving while impaired once. He pulled over and stopped before the police spotted him, but, I would do it again if I had to. ( God rest his soul, he passed away years ago from something totally unrelated.) I don't tolerate impaired drivers. If you knowingly allow it, you could be subject to liability if someone is hurt.
WOW! I am overwhelmed by all these quick and great responses. This is my first time using this, so thank you so much. I did bring it up with the doctor at her last appointment and he confirmed she shouldn't be driving but he wasn't authoritative towards her at all. I think I'll call him and see if there is a letter he can send the DMV.
To answer someones question, yes there is transportation available for her. ME. I have quit my career and put my life on hold to care for both of my parents. I moved back into the house I grew up in. Dad (who just passed) asked me to and was very grateful I did. Mom has been fighting me and denying reality all this time. I totally get that it's hard to lose your independence but my patience is thinning.
Again, thank you all and I pray one day I can be here for you. Blessings
Since a doctor has indicated she shouldn't be driving, I would work from that principle and find a tactful way to address the issue. You could tell her that you've taken significant steps to care for her, quit your job and plan to care for her as you don't want her to be alone after your father's death (or other good reason). These are significant changes in both your lives.
You did that b/c you love her, and would be emotionally devastated if anything happened to her because of the meds (not b/c of her or her driving, but b/c of the meds). Switch the emphasis to the meds as being dangerous, but also emphasize that she (apparently needs them).
Then start planning trips, places either she or the both of you enjoy. Short trips would work well to start, perhaps ending with a meal out or special meal when you return home. Try to create a patterning process so that she associates your driving her with good, happy, memorable occasions.
I'm planning some short fall tours for my father and I; he and my mother (long deceased) used to go for color tours each fall, so I'm resurrecting that, but they will primarily around our area.
Just because she is prescribed a narcotic does not mean she is going to be impaired while driving. The warning labels on medications are not designed nor intended to revoke someone's driving privileges, and millions of people use these medications daily and once they become used to them have no problems driving or performing any other activities. If her doctor does not want her driving then that would be a different story, and he should fill out the appropriate paper work or have a discussion with her about giving up her driving privileges. You mother is not gong to respond well to you being a caregiver and police officer, and you need to get the proper people involved who have the ability to make these decisions and take appropriate action.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
If this isn't at a doctor's suggestion, I wonder if your area has a rehabilitation center that does driving assessments? If Mom goes through their testing and they say she can continue to drive, then you can relax for a while. If they say she is not safe behind a wheel, then again you don't have to be the bad guy.
If Mom really isn't safe driving, then you need to do everything in your power to stop her from endangering others, including being the bad guy if necessary. But if you can arrange for the orders to come from a more objective source that MIGHT help your relationship a bit.
I would treat them both the same with regard to preventing a family member from doing it. I would take keys, call Dr., etc. If someone gets angry because you prevent them from driving while impaired, then, you did the right thing. Hurt feelings on my part or my impaired family member is worth getting them off the road.
Mom is not going to accept this quickly or easily. It took my FIL a year. Now he uses the transportation offered at independent living, Uber (someone in his building helps him use the Uber app), or a family member will drive him. What options are there once your mom's car is gone?
I'm pretty sure my nephew finally disabled the vehicle - a non-confrontational way to solve the problem. Not really honest, but it got the job done :)
I think if you ask my MIL even today, she will say that "I can still drive if I want to" - even though she has her left shoulder mostly out of socket, preventing her from lifting her arm much past 10 % elevation. Even though her legs are weak and reflexes are slow, & reaction time is not safe for driving. Even though 2 of her doctors have said she isn't to drive anymore -- all that, and she thinks she can drive!
The worst part for me was when we tried the guilt route - "you would feel terrible if you caused a wreck and someone was injured or even killed" And she said she wouldn't care (and she truly meant it too.) It was in that moment that I finally knew how selfish she was. No one matters but her, the rest of us can be collateral damage as long as she gets what she wants.
To answer someones question, yes there is transportation available for her. ME. I have quit my career and put my life on hold to care for both of my parents. I moved back into the house I grew up in. Dad (who just passed) asked me to and was very grateful I did. Mom has been fighting me and denying reality all this time. I totally get that it's hard to lose your independence but my patience is thinning.
Again, thank you all and I pray one day I can be here for you. Blessings
You did that b/c you love her, and would be emotionally devastated if anything happened to her because of the meds (not b/c of her or her driving, but b/c of the meds). Switch the emphasis to the meds as being dangerous, but also emphasize that she (apparently needs them).
Then start planning trips, places either she or the both of you enjoy. Short trips would work well to start, perhaps ending with a meal out or special meal when you return home. Try to create a patterning process so that she associates your driving her with good, happy, memorable occasions.
I'm planning some short fall tours for my father and I; he and my mother (long deceased) used to go for color tours each fall, so I'm resurrecting that, but they will primarily around our area.