Mom is starting to die and my husband is being awful.
Mom is declining faster than expected. I've switched her room in the house to one more accessible and put my son in her room. I've been waiting all day for hospice to deliver a hospital bed so she could come home tomorrow, and they haven't showed up and the transition coordinator says it may now be tomorrow. The neighbors had a party, husband wants to go, doesn't have any sense of propriety or compassion. I'm trying to think ahead of whether to keep my son in mom's old room, cuz I don't know if he wants to sleep in the room she died in. He says I shouldn't be giving him a choice (husband wants to put a pool table in her old room. Just now he calls me away from my frantic efforts to wrap up a few loose ends before she becomes unconscious and can sign things (POA for DMV, etc..she wanted husband to have her car, but if she doesn't sign it has to be probated) to look at a neighbor's truck he's coveting. All he thinks about is THINGS. I could just throttle him right now. I can't imagine how anything could be so cruel. He won't hardly hug me, won't try to comfort me, can't say a kind word, not even, I'm sorry I know it's hard and I'm here for you... he is irritable and angry that I'm bringing her home to die, and I'm a mess with no one to turn to.
You are a mess and have "no one to turn to." Since you are a married woman, that is sad. It is a shame you can't turn to your husband. But for whatever reason, you can't. So ... what would you do if you were single? Arrange to get what you need in spite of your husband's lack of support.
1. Bring in a cousin, sibling, the friend you've had since girl scouts, a religious leader -- someone you can be yourself with and who will support you.
2. Since your husband is not supportive right now, be glad when he is out of the picture, looking at trucks or at a neighbor's party.
3. Don't make any long-term decisions right now. You are in a state of emotional turmoil. Decisions you make hastily you may regret when your emotions and your life is more stable.
4. Don't worry about "propriety" or about how your husband's actions might look to others. We mourn in our own ways, and react to life changes in individual ways. You are only responsible for your own actions. Too bad he can't be more compassionate right now, but give him a pass on the "propriety" issues.
5. Focus your energy on preparing to care for your mother and also giving attention to your son and (to the extent he welcomes it) your husband. This is not the time to be deciding whether to buy a pool table or how to use various rooms in your house in the future. The present needs your attention. Defer as much as you reasonably can to deal with in due time.
He wants to look at a truck. You want to arrange what is going to happen to Mother's car. It seems to me that you both are concerned with things. That is perfectly OK -- things make up a large part of our lives and acquiring them, maintaining them, enjoying them, passing them on, etc. is part of our living. Again, you are understandably emotional now and I'm just trying to advice you not to make permanent or hasty judgments about your husband's behavior. If he is, in fact, overly-focused on things that will still be true, presumably, next month or next year. You can decide how to deal with that then.
Right now get the support you are missing from your husband from some other source. Focus on what needs to be done now. Deal with the future as it arrives, not sooner.
If, seriously, you are concerned that you will not be able to forgive him for his thoughtlessness verging on callousness right now, you need to tell him so. Straight out: "you are being a complete [insert choice word] to me about this, and if you don't snap out of it and start supporting me I will never forgive you."
If you're downhearted but not surprised, and you are confident you will get over it in time, then do just as Jeanne says, and treat your husband as though he were an eight year old. Which is pretty much how he's behaving.
I'm sorry, this is the last thing you need. Hope you get her home without more obstacles.
I can understand that frustration builds up, but it sounds as though his actions are part of an adult life-long pattern. I think I would try to find ways to either accept or ignore his behavior, or try to focus on the better aspects.
For reasons I've never understood, we women (me included) often try to effect changes that just aren't going to occur. I try to put these into a geometric problem: given x, y and z aren't going to change, what other solutions are there?
I guess one of the issues would be how sensitive and supportive he is or has been in times other than when death is just around the corner.
Try not to be ashamed of your efforts to make a comfortable space for your Mom.
It is all part of the whole picture a woman experiences in trying to bring order out of chaos, making a comfortable nest out of what is mostly out of your control.
This is not the same, but when there is an earthquake, an aftershock, or a threat of one, you will find me changing the funiture or rooms around, by myself. It brings me comfort to put a physical action to my fear.
I understand that you're rushing about trying to get things done, but take a moment to explain, as calmly as you can, that you need support, not more demands or distractions. His response will be telling.
Certainly don't make any long term decisions right now, wait at least a year after Mom's death to do anything life changing. In the meantime don't expect anything from him. For whatever reason he may not be able to give it. For whatever reason he feels the need to focus solely on himself. As far as Mom's car is concerned, the proceeds from that will probably be needed to cover funeral expenses so make sure the titles is in your name so you make the decisions.
Let your son have a say in whether or not he eventually wants grandmas room. He may well prefer to stay where he is, after all it is "his" room. I always say there is never an excuse for bad behavior but sometimes there is a reason for it.
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