Should Mom stay in her home or move closer to me?
I don't know what would be best. My mom is sharp in many ways, but struggling with short term memory loss. She's not leaving her house very often, barely drives, and complains about being lonely. Mom will not make an effort to see her friends, and does not want a caregiver in her home. She is not ready for assisted living, and has said she wants to relocate and move closer to me and my family, two hours away. Moving her closer would allow me to see her almost daily and help her with shopping and getting around. I also know that she may still be unhappy, change her mind and want to move back home, and will be in unfamiliar surroundings. I will have to coordinate all moving, etc, and am an only child. I feel horrible and stressed over what to do.
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I bet that your mom is lonely at home. She is probably afraid to leave home because she may feel lost and not recognize her town and be afraid she won't be able to find her way back home if she goes out. The great danger to this is that if she is only driving one or two familiar routes and someday there is a problem where she cannot drive on the street she is used to, she may drive off and wind up in another state or something. This situation is why there are so many silver alerts. The thing is, you cannot discuss your mom's situation in front of her because it will make her angry and defensive. So write up your concerns and give a note to the doctor's receptionist. That way the doctor can read it prior to seeing your mom and then speak with your privately in regards to what is best for your mother. Most dementia patients thrive in assisted living with the structured environment, activities, music, crafts, games and lots of nice people to talk to.
I agree also with ps. My mom is 91, and has resisted all attempts to relocate or make different living arrangements, refused companioncare, outside help, social activities, participation in her own local senior center activities, etc. She complains about being lonely, but won't make changes to alleviate loneliness or try new things in her own community. I live long distance, and she will go out with me but depends on me for any social activity or interaction.
I thought having her near me would be better at one time for similar reasons you give (visiting more often, ablility to take her places, help her with shopping etc), but as time has gone on, I can see that she will depend on me totally and will have no desire to interact with others or develop new friends/activities on her own. I also think that she would have difficulty adjusting to a new place, learning her way around, having to learn new stores, new routines, etc, new doctors, etc.
I agree with you, that it could backfire and she will be unhappy (at least in the short term) and be anxious and want to go back home or tell you that she wishes she hadn't moved. This can be emotionally draining and traumatic for both of you.
I would suggest that you bring her down with you possibly for an extended visit and together visit some places nearby and gauge her input. Take her to your local senior center and encourage her to attend frequently during her visit -- see if she readily makes new friends, is enthusiastic, etc. Return her home and without prompting, see if she frequently brings up the visit, has fond memories, and wants to come back or seriously consider a permenant move. Some AL have respite care -- so if there is an AL in your area that she liked or had interest in, see if she'd be willing to stay for a couple weeks on trial. Its best if she has buy in for the process in order for it to be positive and successful.
Its a difficult decision and a big decision for both her and you and your family; wishing you a good outcome.
Mom is unhappy where she is. She might also be unhappy if she moves. But will it be easier for YOU to have her unhappy 2 hours away, or unhappy nearby? That is a completely valid way to look at it. We don't know if anything will work for her, so you might as well give strong consideration to your own preferences.
If she has dementia, she is going to decline no matter where she is. Take that into consideration, too.
If she is going to make a significant change, sooner is better than later, in my opinion, while she still has coping skills.
Yes, she might tell you she wishes that she hadn't moved. If she doesn't move, she may continue to tell you that she wishes she could move. I don't see any way to avoid some unpleasantness over this issue. You'll have to do what you consider best (after a trial run, please) and brace yourself for the inevitable fallout, whatever the decision is.
If she has beginning dementia, she should no be driving no matter where she lives. Therefore living in a place that has frequent transportation to places like shopping centers, senior centers, and even casinos can be a plus ... or living where meals are provided, there is a beauty center on site, etc.
You are so wise to be looking at this closely before acting on impulse! I hope things work out well for the two of you.
What might help you with your stress and also to wrangle this situation would be to hire a Geriatric Care Manager to come in and evaluate your mom at home and tell you what she thinks. This costs around $250, but it is well worth it. The GCM can tell you how safe your mother is at home and whether she can be alone or needs someone to stay with her 24x7 or what. The GCM will also have resources in your mother's city and can be your eyes and ears on the ground in an emergency situation until you can get there. There is a website if you will google Geriatric Care Manager called the National Association of Professional Geriatric Care Managers. This is a great resource where you can go to find one in your mom's area. If you decide to (and can afford it) the GCM can take a great deal of your stress away because you can hire him/her to manage the care of your mother including wrangling caregivers and your mother, taking her to doctors appointments, making sure she is eating, bathed and has all her needs taken care of and report back to you on what is going on and what you need to do. If there is an emergency, she will get to your mother and decide how it needs to be handled. IMO, the best GCM's are RN's. It costs around $100 - $125 per hour, but a good GCM is worth her weight in gold. Also, a good GCM will minimize costs so that it is around $1,000 - $1,200 per month. Well worth it when you are stressed out and need someone who knows what to do and has contacts who can help with every aspect of the situation.
If your mom is willing to move to where you are, by all means move her! The change will be difficult for her at first, but she'll become accustomed to it if you spend a lot of time with her and help ease her through the transition. Just make sure your frequently find ways to remind her the move will be permanent, no going back and forth.
You don't say how close or far away you live from your mom. But if moving her closer to you makes it easier and less stressful for you, that's a good thing for you and your mom. You said she's talked about being lonely and she doesn't go out much or see her friends. It sounds like she isn't really connected to anything where she's living right now.
After several years of failing health, my dad died last summer. My mom took care of him for years and wore herself out physically and emotionally. She often did things physically she shouldn't have done because my father could no longer do them, like lifting heavy objects. At the age of 83 she actually tore her rotator cuff from over exertion. Anyway, my mom is 85 and pretty healthy, but my sibs and I didn't want her living alone. I lived in Denver and drove back and forth between Denver and my parents' home two hours south of Denver every weekend for years. It was really taking a toll on me. Ideally we would have insisted mom move closer to me and my sister in the Denver area, but this was not a practical option for us for a wide variety of reasons, the least of which was not mom's desire to stay where she's lived her entire life. So I quit my job and moved in with her. For me, for our family, for my mom it was the right thing to do.
If you have the means and your mom is willing and able, move her closer to you. Just don't forget to take care of yourself and make sure you have your own life and time to yourself.
Get her in a place where there are social programs and encourage her to participate even if you have to go with her to some of the activities. Take her out and do things with her, certainly, but don't ever let yourself be the one source of entertainment for her.
She might be unhappy in her relocation, but she could be please just as easily. It's all about attitude, YOURS as well as hers. As an only child, you won't have the drama of interference from siblings. Thank goodness. You are very fortunate.
But you should look to the future, as you are doing, and realize that there is absolutely no reason for you to need to be care taking from a distance in a few years. personally, I am NOT in favor of the temporary visitation idea. Suppose you have her visit and she decides she doesn't want to move. Then you will be forced to either leave her where she is and take care of her long distance or move her under duress without her cooperation.
Just move her now while she's willing and while it will have the least impact on her. if she doesn't like it later, you can apologize, but she'll still be near you. Better to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission.