My mother has been experiencing depression and anxiety last 2 years. She was calling from Florida that she can't handle my father. We ( brother and sister) had trust set up for parents money. Have taken over banking ( bills). We made 4 trips in 5 months to evaluate and hire home health aids. Mother fired them X 2 after we left. Moved parents from Florida to PA to be able to help. Parents chose and bought in Independent living situation. Moved parents to new independent arrangement. encouraged participation in many activities Had 5 hours daily care for father, so mother could have time to participate i Bridge , Church , Shopping. We visited frequently. Had them every weekend. Dad died 3/14. Mom was depressed and anxious. We requested she seek help. We took a family trip without mother 7 months after dad's death, Mom 87 with walker not capable of trip and tour Mother bought airline ticket and had a cousin drive her car to Florida. House there taken care of by caretakers. She left the day we were to return from trip. We agreed if that is where she wanted to be Fine. We flew down to make sure all was well. She did not bring key to house could not put heat on in house when it got cold . Didn't know how to work the TV remote. We were frightened to leave her but she was belligerent and saying hateful things about her being independent and we were trying to take away her independence . She wants to " die in Florida". So we left. She is forgetful , repeats herself constantly. I suggested again she seek Phycological help. She has given away money, lots of money. She is physically capable of taking care of herself but questionable mentally. She started hateful statements and argumentative behavior in December. We begged her to come home for Christmas. She at times is delightful and happy but for the most part can't remember thing we told her. She told us she saw a doctor and he said she has the mind of a 25 year old . There is always some neighbor or friend who has a drama going on with their children. We hear it every call. She called both my daughters in tears that My brother and I are stealing her money. My one daughter does all her bills electronically and is on her checking account . She looks over my mothers spending and bills and tries to keep her in check. We all looked over her accounts and saw nothing out of place. Mother insisted she go to a lawyer and seek help with the matter. We agreed . Mother went to lawyer who conference us on a call. Lawyer suspects dementia . But gave no direction on how we can help.
She calls me and everyone at least once a week crying that we are greedy and can't wait until she dies to steal from her. From what she tells me is still going to church daily and having dinner with friend. She told me she would call the police if we came. She is not going back to PA . We are lost . We don't know how to help her and she is very good at being normal at times. I cry every day I can't help her or comfort her. We have suggested everything you can imagine. A care person to check up on her anything she wants. She wants to sell property in PA and not come up for settlement . We have set that up. She wants me to get rid of all the furniture and clean up the place for sale. We have begun to do this. She called today and want to change her will and give money to church. My parents had already given over $100,000 to church. my mother gave church another $20,000 in the last 3 months. We don't care what she wants to do with her money after she is gone but she needs to keep it for her care now, and considering genetics, that may be a long time. My mother had an Aunt who acted the same way. Paranoia and aggressive behavior. My mom took her to Florida and had her placed in a nursing facility . Aunt was there for 12 years. My mom's aunt caught the kitchen on fire trying to cook. So there was no question about taking over her
care. Her Aunt exhibited all the strange behavior my mom is doing now. But we were told we had to wait until she was a danger to herself or others. Is this the same case now? My Aunt burned herself in the kitchen fire before she called 911.
Screamed in the ER at the top of her lungs to get the police when my mothers brother came to help. Screamed that he was stealing her money. So it was quite easy to have her declared incompetent and have her placed in guardianship .
What do we do ? We are at a loss. HELP!!!
Good Luck
driving is dangerous and why kill someone before stopping her from driving
When she is in ER do not let her be sent home, let ER place her someplace
Second, here is some advice:
Take charge. Don't ASK your mom how she feels about this or that doctor make the appointments and tell her It is time to go.
Get your mom to a geriatric psychologist. What she is experiencing is straight out of a text book and there are great medications to help her/you. She can be seen in Senior Behavioral Clinic where they will observe her (for about ten days) and get her meds fine-tuned. You won't believe the difference. My mom went from calling the police (to report that I had stolen her car, etc) to being a happy, gracious, grateful human being.
See an elder lawyer a.s.a.p. This is a very dangerous situation. If you mom hurts someone else, you will never hear the end of it.
I, too, am sorry about your dad. Your mom can still live an acceptable life with a degree of serenity.
As a result, I spent a few years 'going along' with things - as long as she was basically functioning. She could be delusional and paranoid (especially with me), but other times she seemed okay. She didn't drive, so that was a godsend.
Then one day, she had a medical emergency and after treatment, she was over the 'dementia cliff' and in a state of constant paranoia. My last visit with my mom (at a rehab center) was awful - it ended with her accusing me of all sorts of horrible things and then her threatening me. The contempt was unmistakable and quite frankly, I don't think it's reversible. I told her I loved her and left. I call the nurses every day and we're placing her in memory care tomorrow, but I haven't seen her since. Apparently, my visit agitated her so that she became combative and intimidating with the nurses. So that was it.
Now I'm trying to come to grips that after nearly 50 years, this is where the relationship will end. I'm not sure what I could have done to avoid this, but I do think acting earlier and being more aggressive in changing her doctor, doing a psych evaluation, etc. could have been a better approach.
Best of luck. In some ways, you get one chance with this. I don't criticize anyone for what they do. It's a fine line to walk. You try to honor your parents, but you want their safety and a chance at recovery even though it may mean confronting some pretty horrible demons.
You are not doing her an injustice by seeking help. A mental health check where they test for compentency will bring home the cold fact. Your mother is not coping and needs 24/7 care. My Ma couldn't even do the clock face one. Abused the psychiatrist that came to the house to do the test, and only answered one of the questions, without first asking me, what the answer was. She suddenly couldn't understand what the doctor was saying and blamed his accent [he didn't have one] it was her way of denying she didn't understand the question. the abuse of you regarding the money is she doesn't know how to control her funds anymore its become difficult ..... so being human she is blaming someone else.
BTW don't worry that she will hold your trying to help her, against you, its one of the few things they remember !!!!! The rest they will forget within a week
So tuck away a few tissues, put some cardboard shoulder pads on, and take 3 ounces of humour with you, I promise that in 5yrs time, nah, actually 5wks time you will realise you did the right thing, the only thing, for her
You mentioned that your mom had depression and anxiety..is she on tranquilizers....ativan, xanax etc?? My mom was on ativan a very mild dose, but accidentally took too much and it became impossible to get off. What I did not know was it increased her risk of Alzheimer's by 85 %!! She went down hill rapidly and the paranoia got really bad.........I got her to a geriatric psychiatrist and eventually when the paranoia got to the point that she was not sleeping, was afraid people were trying to murder her etcetc.....the doctor suggested I put her on Seraquoel. I read the black box and was very scared. But once again the folks on this board said if my goal was to keep my mom at home, I should try it. The drug eliminated her paranoia. Which was wonderful. She was much more peaceful. She was going down pretty rapidly though. I had hospice evaluate her and she was put under their care at home. And yes get an elder care attorney and make sure that all of the paper work you and she will need are in order. Hugs. It will be stressful, but you will get through it. Once more help comes in you will start to relax a little bit.
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