Need help, mom wants copies.
My Mom just got out of assisted living, I have been running around like a chicken trying to pay all her bills, do banking, go to post office, while she was in the facility, some of her bills like Comcast for example I just tossed the top part, now she is calling me asking me for this and that bill part, when some of the stuff I just do not have. She is really getting to me. I work full time and have two children, her mail comes to us to the post office, she is scrutinizing everything, I just do not have the time for it, for a year and I half I have done everything she has asked. My days off are not my own, they are to take care of her needs, she is in Ca and I am in Seattle. Just a question do I need to show her every little bit I pay for her, and why do you think she is doing this? I know she trusts me so why is she doing this. I am ready to tear my hair out, I want to give up this job but I cannot. My Mom doesn't like any of my brothers or sisters, I am the only one she likes. If I give up she might put her trust in her caregivers which probably wouldn't be such a good idea. Thank you in advance for any responses.
6 Answers
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I have had this conversation so many times I cringe at the thought of it coming up again, but it does. This last time I was walking out the door to go to an appointment when she yelled at me that she wanted me to sit down with her right now and go over "this check book!" I told her in no uncertain terms that I had about ten thousand things to do, I did not have time to sit down with her and go over the check book, nor was I going to waste my time in trying to explain something to her that she was not going to understand anyway. I do realize that sounds rude, but that is how I felt then and still do. I have wasted countless hours on this only to have her finally toss it across the table and walk away.... I am sorry I am not putting myself through hell like that anymore.
I do make sure that I hold on to the "stubs" of the bills and file them away for my own benefit. You know that "just in case I need them" thing. What does your Mom do with all of that stuff anyway? Does she have the mental ability to handle her finances like that? Does she keep a file folder? If I were you I would be honest at this point and say, "Mom I am sorry but I have taken care of paying all your bills, I do not have the stubs as I personally toss mine out after I pay the bills. If you want, from now on I will keep them, but I do not have the past ones so please stop asking me for them, they no longer exist." Or I guess you could lie and tell her you mailed them in a large envelope and if she did not receive them, then they must have been lost.
This is a crazy making situation and I know they are trying to retain control of their lives and caring for these matters makes them feel "in control" of at least a part of their lives, but when you have as much to handle as you do and I do, there is just no time for playing games back and forth with this stuff. I have told my Mom that I have been handling her finances for over 10 years, I write all the checks and pay all the bills and if she wants me to send a check to someone, then she just needs to tell me and I will do it.
I had to take away her finances/checkbook because she was giving money to everyone and one day I left our house only to return to find a young man at our door taking money from her and Mom signing a document which would have allowed them to make withdrawals from her checking account each month!!!! I decided right then that the game playing and beating around the bush with her was over, she no longer had the ability to make rational decisions regarding her finances and that is when I invoked my POA.
Stand strong I know it is hard but you will have to draw the line at what you will and will not do. You should keep a record of what you are paying in a ledger or something so you can show Mom or siblings where the money is going.
I would think you can do this with other bills as well. Maybe all she wants is a stack of bills that she can mark as paid?
Sorry but it is her money and she really should get some kind of monthly accounting as to where that money was spent....no matter her state of mind. There are several easy online accounting programs that will make the process a real time saver for you. Shouldn't take more than an hour a month.