Mother in law with dementia has been living with us for almost 3 years. We took her in after she became a widow and it was apparent she could not live on her own. The situation worked for a little while but recently became about unbearable as she was diagnosed with dementia and her health issues became nearly unmanageable. I am currently a stay at home mom taking care of our kids. It has been unbearably stressful for my husband and I as she was an angry woman before dementia, and has become irritationally angry and verbally abusive now. Some of it is the dementia but she was also spiteful and co dependent before. The anger keeps us on pins and needles and we have both developed anxiety because of it. Hubby has talked to her about a home but she refuses and says she’ll “call a lawyer and adult protective services” ’if we do, saying that we “abuse her.” It’s completely ridiculous and manipulative. He’s also put up barriers to me going back to work, which I so desperately want to do, because “mom has to be cared for.” Well guess what, I never wanted to care for his mom in the first place and this was largely thrown onto me and assumed I would do because I’m a stay at home mom. We’re still a young couple who has a lot of time and things we want to do. Add on zero family help and we both feel completely trapped. I never wanted to have her in the home in the first place and now I feel like we are stuck. It was not discussed with me as much as it was TOLD to me that we were taking her in, and then TOLD to me that we were going to take care of her. Hubs does help when he’s not working but I’m the one stuck with the brunt of the work. I think multi generational living CAN work under the right circumstances, but this isn’t that as much as it is us caretaking someone who has told us she hates us. this has developed into something we cannot manage and no one seems to want to take the necessary steps. Any advice or kind words would be appreciated.
You are going to get lots of great responses here, I'm sure (you've already gotten one). Please keep us up to date. We want to help you change your situation. We'll be with you every step of the way, if you'd like. The posters on this forum are great cheerleaders when someone actually takes steps to change their situation. (Not many of the posters in bad situations actually do go through the necessary steps to improve things, though...hope you are not in that group!)
Does she have a say in the matter of where she lives? Yes, of course she does, dementia or no dementia. She can express a preference, and whoever supports her in making decisions should make every effort to accommodate her preference.
But no-one, demented or otherwise, is free to decide to live in somebody else's house without that person's (or those people's) consent. MIL can choose from whatever options are actually available to her, but she can't choose to live in your and DH's house if you don't make it one of the options.
What "homes" did DH talk to her about when she rejected the idea angrily? Have you got as far as selecting any to choose from, or was this just about the principle of the thing?
You have a marriage issue. Your husband is exploiting you.
1. Move to a nice home where she'll receive good care, or
2. Be evicted to figure it out on her own.
Point out to her that APS will do #1 whether she likes it not, will take over every facet of her life, prevent her son and family (her "abusers") from seeing her, and well, if that's what she wants, you won't stand in her way.
In the meantime, have a facility already picked out and be ready to move her. You could even tell her APS has ordered it, and much as you *don't* like it, you're complying.
Its not what MIL wants, its what she needs. Was she diagnosed by a Neurologist? If not she should see one. He can give her meds that may calm her down. If she has money, an AL would be a nice start. If no money, then LTC with Medicaid paying. She will need to be deemed 24/7 care for Medicaid to pay.
If she winds up in a hospital and Rehab is suggested, let her go. Ask for an evaluation for 24/7 care at the Rehab. If found she needs it, this is the time to transfer her from Rehab to LTC. Where I live they are in the same building. Easy transfer. You tell the SW you no longer will care for her.
In my opinion, she has no choice if her own son tells her "this is not working". When she says she will call APS and cry abuse, let her. Because this is what may happen. APS will take her out of your home and place her where they can find room. It may not be near by and it may not be the best place. Then the State will apply for guardianship. Now they have control over her and her money. You nor she will be able to pick where she goes and how the guardian handles things. You may be able to visit. I would tell her this the next time she threatens to call APS. Throw it back at her. It now becomes an empty threat because you show her you don't care. You really won't be effected because your problem is solved she will be the one paying the consequences for her actions. Call her bluff.
This will be hard if there is dementia involved but if she can threaten, she is not too far gone. DO NOT take her stuff. Tell her she is very lucky that her son took her in because no one else stepped up to the plate. That you will no longer take her abuse. She is in your home. If she does not like it there, she can always find herself another place to live and you can help her do that. This can be done in a firm manner and get ur point across. Remember, at this point she needs you more than you need her. When she gets abusive, walk away. Or try the "gray rock method", ignore her. Don't fight, just walk away. Do not disable her, if she can do something, have her do it. She should be doing her own wash, folding her own clothes and putting them away. Cleaning her own room. Cleaning up after herself. You should not be waiting on her hand and foot if she can do,
When she complains to your DH, you tell him that if she is going to live with you then there are going to be boundries set. You are not going to allow her abuse any longer in your house. And, when she becomes incontinent and needs help bathing and other ADLs, you will not be changing diapers and bathing her. When she can no longer do for herself, she will need to go to LTC. He needs to remember, she is not your Mom.
Mom needs to be put in her place. She needs to know that if her abuse goes on, you and DH are not going to continue to take it. This can be done with any screaming and fighting on your part. When she starts, say nothing, just walk away. Respect goes both ways.
Tell EMTs she is a danger to herself and your minor children.
Tell the social workers at the hospital that she is no longer able to be cared for in your home. That you need a "social admit".
They will find placement.
Video or document her behaviour and get her assessed for placement, by calling 911 if she is threatening. Get her Dr involved. I stressed so much trying to care for my mother (before I realized her happiness was impossible) and it was at the expense of my kids, my husband and my sanity. I know it’s your MIL, not your mother, but as prime caregiver, the first move will likely land on you.
BTW, my mother is 97. Seems dementia + demanding personality = longevity. Good luck to you.
You get blunt and be honest with her. Or have your Hubs when you and the Kids are gone. Figure out the Plan B first or a Plan B & a Plan C. He tells her "not working for us all to be under one roof...time for a change up in residence."
She is NOT allowed to destroy your lives. Reminds me of my Mom & how she would be under one roof.
NOT OK...B.S.
Long before I talked to DH about a 'divorce', I'd lay down the law about getting his mother OUT of the house and into managed care where she belongs.
Assuming DH holds POAs for his mother, he can use them to place her in Memory Care Assisted Living even if she doesn't want to move. If he doesn't want to take that route, call 911 next time she has a meltdown, and have her carted off to the ER for a psych evaluation, as BarbBrooklyn explained.
There ARE ways to get the woman placed and out of your home, if you both are on the same page (you and DH) that she needs to move out NOW. Your first priority needs to be one another and your children, not an elderly mother with dementia who's wreaking havoc in YOUR home. 3 years is enough of time you've put in caring for her already! If she has no funds, apply for Medicaid on her behalf and get her into Skilled Nursing instead of Memory Care AL.
Best of luck!!
‘She says she’ll “call a lawyer and adult protective services” ’, saying that we “abuse her”’. Just say ‘go ahead’. APS will come pre-warned about the situation. The lawyer won’t come at all. (And Gee this punctuation is difficult!)